[paintedturtle]

I am really struggling with communication with my husband. We have been married for 14 years in December, and I know he loves me. He is a good man, very loving, gentle natured and affectionate. He has never been abusive to me in any way at all. He is also, though human, very patient, tolerant and understanding. To illustrate my point, I have been sick and basically too exhausted to participate in our marriage, pysically, emotionally or intimatly for 11 of the 14 years that we have been married, yet he has stuck by me the whole time, never complained and , most importantly, he didn't leave!!! Now that I have had my surgery and I am slowly starting feeling better, my desire to participate in or marriage in all of those ways is returning. I want us to enjoy each other the way we did when we first got married. However, a problem has surfaced and I don't have a clue how to "fix" it. I was raised in an abusive household, as I imagine many of us were. I won't detail the abuse becuase, once again, I never want to trigger anyone if I can avoid it. But, there were a lot of normal, everyday things that other people did that were not tolerated in our household. There were punishments for things that occur normally for other people. You never showed emotion. You never showed fear and you never showed or talked about your feelings. You didn't make noise or rough-house like normal kids. You know, stuff like that, and the punishments could be harsh, both physically and psychologically. Now that I am awake and aware, I realize that I react to every little thing my husband says or does with fear, as if he's going to berate me or hit me or otherwise punish me. And it hurts his feelings because I won't talk to him about it, but I get so scared. I've started to try to tlk to him and work through the fear, but I sit there and cry and tremble like a child. He doesn't even know what to do any more. I get terrified that he will get frustrated and leave, yet he continues to stay. Like I said, he truly is one of the few genuinely good men on this earth. It was so easy not to feel any of this when I was asleep for most of our marriage, but I can't live like that anymore. My PCP suggested therapy for a while to hellp me through that and I do think it's a good idea. The problem is that My husband already does so much for me, as it is, because I can't get around on my own and I don't drive either. I worry about the inconvenience to his life. The man hasn't been able to do anything recreational, for himself - just because he wanted to - in years. I want him to be able to take our son fishing or to the park to feed the ducks or to the zoo, without having to worry about me. This could go on forever. I feel like I'm "complaining" a lot, but really, I'm just trying to work through all this stuff. I'm almost 50 years old. I'm so ready to let it go. Unfortunately, I think it's going to take some work. If anyone has any input, I am certainly open to it. Thanks.

[Bill3]

I strongly encourage you to undertake the proposed therapy.

Its might inconvenience your husband, but therapy has the potential to help you overcome the fear, and to get back to being the way that you want to be in the marriage.

If you have concerns about imposing on him, you could discuss the idea of therapy with him.

Dear PaintedTurtle,
I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Your story sounds romantic. I am not sure what to say about your family history or, involving interactions with your husband, how emotional challenges paints a picture of a hurdle at every mogul. I will say this, if what he does or says hurts you in any way, do not ignore what is happening. Find someone you are comfortable with to explore your relationship. But, from how you portray your story here, your relationship sounds romantic and your husband made a decision to not find other recreational activities because he finds that enjoyment spending time with you. Remember, he is your husband and it may be difficult for him to play more than one role.

[mote.of.soul]

Yes, I think therapy is a good idea as well, paintedturtle. You'll be surprised how much they can help you manage fears and improve on communication skills. And there's a good chance you'll feel better about yourself too.

[paintedturtle]

Thank you all for responding nad reminding me that there is light at the end of the tunnel if i will just walk through the fear and go toward it... odds are, it's not a train And you are all right, my husband is a wonderful, understanding and romantic man. He will stand by me no matter what. He's already proved that 100 times over. Thanks again. BTW, am I aloud to sign these with my real first name?? Still learning the rules.

[paintedturtle]

I wanted to let you guys know that I did finally see my pdoc today, or should I say "a" pdoc. Mine retired and they haven't permanently replaced him yet. It was not the greatest experience in the world. The bottom line is that they can't prescribe anything for me until my entire medical team (basically) meets and does some research (because of my many other prescriptions and my numerous medical conditions). They are not sure yet what they can do for me. It scares the hell out of me that I don't know how much longer I will have to live like this...how much longer I can live like this. Anyway, they are supposed to start working on it Monday. I'm off the point. The point was that she's is gonna try to get me refered to a therapist that can help me with the relationship and communication issues that I have that stem from my childhood. I just thought you guys might want an update. Thanks for all your input.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're on the right path! Don't give up now! I'm sure your husband is proud of the progress you're making.

[paintedturtle]

BTW, everyone. My name is Mary. PaintedTurtle is my "indian" name. My mother's people are American Osage. My ancestors walked the Trail of Tears (if you know what that is.) It''s a very interesting (and spiritual) heritage to have. Anyway, you may refer to me as Mary or PaintedTurtle. I answer to both. I hope everyone has a good day. Thanks. - Mary /PaintedTurtle

[mote.of.soul]

Thanks Mary, thanks for updating us.

Hang in there some more, I think the therapy will help in the long run. You're among a lot of kindred spirits here.