First year of marriage- im about to call it quits

I’m 35. In april i married for the first time, to a man i have known for 17 years. We had dated once before in 2012 for about 6 months but i broke things off because we were partying and being unhealthy and i couldn't put trust into him to not hurt me so i dumped him rather than work through it. We parted ways and didnt speak until about 2 years ago. I went to rehab and got my life back on track. Back to college, working, etc. I love my husband so much, before i would have considered him one of my best friends. Now, all we share is sex. I cant depend on him to be home on time. I never expect him to be home for dinner and i cant remember the last time he was. Most nights of the week he doesnt even come home until after im in bed. We dont go anywhere together or do anything together. I just feel like i cant depend on him for anything. This is not the marriage that i wanted. I thought we were best friends and would be able to have a rad relationship and life together but its just empty and lonely. I know that im difficult to be in a relationship with, I recently was able to put a name to my biggest issue, that i grew up with childhood emotional neglect so i am not in touch with my emotions and have a hard time connecting. Communication is very difficult for me. I think we’re both narcissistic and i think he has borderline personality. I feel like we’re just incompatible as husband and wife and i dont know whether to just call it quits or what to do. But im just at the end of my rope. I believe in til death do us part which is why im 35 and just married for the first time, but maybe we just made a mistake? Im clueless and looking for any help I can. Thank you

Try to go to marriage counseling and support groups, if you have not already. I don't think you made a mistake. Unlike some people who jump into marriage, you a). Waited until your mid-30's; and 2). Made an well-informed decision about someone you knew for 17 years. Sometimes it takes a major triggering event for someone's true color to come out, and this could happen years into the marriage. I wouldn't give up right away. But as it takes two to work things out, he needs to cooperate with your effort.

Where is he if he's not coming home until after you're in bed? It sounds like he's just as unhappy and is just as unable to communicate as you, so don't feel this is all on you to fix. Has he changed in his ability or willingness to communicate since you got married?

Why does he come home late? Does he work a lot? I agree that perhaps couple counselling would be good, if you can afford it and have the time to do so. Does he know how you feel?

If he doesn't have a reasonable excuse why he is not able to come home for dinner every night, maybe he simply doesn't want to? Maybe it's almost more comfortable for him to not be at home? Is home a safe and fun place for both of you guys? Do you welcome him with affection when he returns? If he has nothing to look forward to coming home, why would be rush to be there?
(I'm not accusing anything - just some questions to ask yourself)

Your cold shouldering and lack of communication can make him feel like he isn't valued or cared for... Relationships are always a Give & Take. If you are thinking these thoughts, I'm sure he is too. From what I have seen in couples, they last longer when they talk and fight and make up than people who avoid each other.

Don't wait til it's late - I think you should take the higher road and initiation. If you aren't the type of person to make the first move like that, it'll be a pleasant surprise for him. I know it's difficult to be vulnerable and let your emotions out but loving someone means putting your everything on the line, not just enough so you won't get hurt. When you have nothing to lose, there will be no fear. & If your husband does not reciprocate, then at least you tried your best, you can move on. Give it your all for less regrets.

Like Ennie said - you two have a higher chance of making this work.
Relationships just take a lot of time, effort, energy and resources.
I know you guys will get through this rough patch

In my opinion I wouldn’t invest anymore time into this. It’s only been a year and it’s already like this.

You can find someone who truly enjoys being with you, for your whole life. I had a similar predicament with my ex, he and I wasted 6 months together trying to repair something that should’ve never been attempted. You still got plenty of time to find the love of your life, don’t settle!! You’ll find your fish. But don’t invest time in someone when he doesn’t invest it in you !

Sounds like you've good reason to feel frustrated and disappointed. Is he aware of how all of this leaves you feeling? I wouldn't start such a conversation in an accusatory tone, but one in which you state how lonely and empty you are feeling. How you have hopes and dreams for a future together that includes dinners together even if not every single night and going out and enjoying couple time to reconnect and maintain your bond. Remind him how you love him and see him as your best friend. Ask him to help you figure out how to fix this rut of a routine your relationship is in.


^^^This. The burden need not rest on your shoulders alone.

Where is he at when he isn’t coming home? Was he like this when you dated? Personally
If I don’t know where my husband is I’d worry sick that he got in a car accident or simethin. This wouldn’t work for me

I can tell you the first year of marriage is the easiest and the hardest. First you need to take cAre of you because your life has been off the tracks and I am And sure you don't want to go back to that.

You need to get him to talk to you about this. My bet is he will not be willing to do counseling. If you could it might be very beneficial for you to therapy to get it clear in your
in your mind the finer points of the discussion.

You said you both partied when you first dated. You said you went to rehsb & changed but you didn't say anythibg about him soing anything similsr with his life. So my questiln is whether he is still living that lifestyle as to ehy he is never home for dinner or before you are in bed?

I did that with my H but I used my career to escape from him. No amount of marriage counseling fixed our marriage because I just couldn't deal with him though I tolerated his crap for way too many years.

If he is willing to go to counselling great. If not & yiu can't rven kbow why he is staying away from you then it is best to end the marriage before you really get financially entrenched with each other.

I honestly wasn't in touch with why I worked & stayed away from my H until after I left him & finally had gpod therspy to understand ehat I had been living with with my H & with my parents growing up. But I got married at 21, not at 35 & the issues I was dealing with in my H & had dealt with all my life with my dad wasn't even diagnosed at that point in time.

You say you are 'difficult' and suffered emotional neglect in childhood. I suffered emotional neglect too, unfortunately it can leave you expecting very little from a relationship, neglect is our 'normal'
I suspect your husband is a narcissist he is treating you sooo badly now without any consideration for your feelings. My husband did the same once married ignored me pretty much completely. I do not think you are narcissistic, NPDs rarely if ever are aware of what they are.
Take control. Tell him how you feel and that unless he values you, you want a divorce.
You are used to neglect, to blaming yourself for everything, to accepting the unacceptable. Like I was. You deserve a good life not this s##t

Communication is key. You need to discuss this with him. Counseling would help.

Is he doing drugs or drinking? Is that why he doesn’t come home?

I wouldn’t throw in the towel before trying to work this out.

If you stop having sex with him, something’s gonna give. That’s what I’d do, if I were in your situation. Stop the sex and communicate. No sex until you get to the bottom of what’s going on and repair the relationship or else it’s over.

Some may say that’s using sex as a weapon. But, if all you have is sex, why should he be using you?