Feeling REALLY BLAH tonight. I need to talk it out, and I'm choosing relationship forum, because it has to do some with dating, and also I feel my blahness is affecting my motivation to keep commitments. I REALLY don't want to go to church tomorrow. It's a cloud over my head like "Noooooo." I do want to go to meditation before church. But I'm so not into church lately. I signed up to do coffee hour cleanup with someone else, after church, and I feel like SUCH an asshole because I may not do it. Just the thought of it is really hard. I know it sounds weird. I wanted to get more involved there, but...UGH. I did message the woman I'm supposed to be helping out alongside how I'm feeling. So I'll see. I wish I could just push myself. I'm not like that though.

So thats one issue. The next issue, is I have been talking to a guy I haven't met yet, from a dating site, and he is just looking for sex. He is separated from his wife since over the summer. He is a college professor. He is real. I looked him up. He is nice. He is not going to push me to have sex. We are just going to meet sometime next week. I have been really really hot and cold about that though. I told him I wouldn't. then I said I changed my mind. But I feel icky about it. Because he's intelligent like me. And I may like him. And I don't want to get attached. And if we have sex and I like him, and the sex, then I will get attached. And then hurt. And I am really sensitive about changes in my environment. Even new people. And something about this feels wrong and icky. Even though I'm super curious about the situation, and flattered that he likes me.

Please, no sex / slut shaming, ok. I see NOTHING wrong with a woman having sex and hooking up. The problem I have is, I don't want to. And I'm kind of scared to say that to him. Like, I changed my mind again. I don't even know if I changed my mind. I want to meet him. But I am not enjoying the way I'm feeling tonight, thinking about it. We may not even have sex. Just meet for coffee, and talk. He's fine with that. Also, please don't talk down about this guy that you do not know because I don't know him either and don't have a fully formed opinion. I'm just looking for advice and support, and an answer of some sort.

If somebody asked me "What do you want to do, KnitChick?" I'd say "I want to meet this guy maybe. But I don't like the way I feel right now. And I don't think I'm going to go to church tomorrow. I'm not going to go. And depending what that woman says, I may not help out after coffee either." I still want / need advice and someone to talk to about this though!!!

My advice: go ahead with the plan and meet the guy for coffee/lunch, but don't have sex. You seem uncertain about sex, so don't do it. But meet for coffee or what have you because you're interested enough to meet him and it's just the first meeting. You can always have sex later on with him, IF you choose to do so, but ONLY do it if you really want to and that's what you feel like doing. For now, I would just meet the guy, check him out, have conversation and see how you like him. See how you like him as someone you could have sex with.

IF you sense after the meeting that you could possibly really like this guy down the road, and IF you sense a real connection with him, then I would say be very very careful when proceeding because all he wants is sex, and you may want more. That's the tricky part of sex only relations... when one person may really like the other and wants more.

But you're not there yet, and haven't met him yet. He could be a total *** you never know. Even abusers seem nice in the beginning. Why is he separated? Do you know the backstory?

Anyways, for now meeting for coffee/lunch is innocent enough.

As for church, I really don't know what to advise. This is not a criticism whatsoever, but simply an observation. You seem to over commit or commit yourself, then not want to do whatever that commitment entails. Perhaps no commitments is better for you at this time, or very few and limited commitments? I don't really know. Please don't take that the wrong way. You know I always hope and want the very best for you, whatever that is, and I am always rooting for you. Just do what you feel is best for yourself. Always.

((((Hugs))))

Thanks Eve. In terms of guy, the way you put it, I feel a lot better about that. He said his wife didn't want to have sex with him. He said it was sexless, the last few years. It sounds like he is starved for sex. We did not talk in depth. However, I'd like to find more out. Maybe not on the date. Or...maybe. But yeah. I feel better about this. I agree with what you said about me and the sex. He seems cool and like he wouldn't push me.

Yes, about commitments, that is an accurate observation I guess. This may sound weird, I don't know, but I think I need to do more of what I want to do, and less of what I'd like to do / sounds good, but ultimately when the time comes, I don't want to do it. I do think less commitments is a good idea. And thank you for putting this the way you did. I know it's a delicate subject for me. And I know that you know that too. Lol. I think just the way I developed, and the way I'm made, I have to want to do it. If that makes sense. I can see myself having like...ONE commitment. Lol. Is anyone else like that I wonder? I have thought before that maybe I'm a selfish person because of that. I'd like to hope not. Because I definitely care about others. I just have my own needs and makeup.

Originally Posted by KnitChick

Yes, about commitments, that is an accurate observation I guess. This may sound weird, I don't know, but I think I need to do more of what I want to do, and less of what I'd like to do / sounds good, but ultimately when the time comes, I don't want to do it. I do think less commitments is a good idea. And thank you for putting this the way you did. I know it's a delicate subject for me. And I know that you know that too. Lol. I think just the way I developed, and the way I'm made, I have to want to do it. If that makes sense. I can see myself having like...ONE commitment. Lol. Is anyone else like that I wonder? I have thought before that maybe I'm a selfish person because of that. I'd like to hope not. Because I definitely care about others. I just have my own needs and makeup.

No, it's not selfish whatsoever to think this way. I think it's easy for many people to feel like we SHOULD be doing X,Y or Z. So we do X,Y or Z to feel like we're doing a good deed for ourselves, but in the end, we're doing ourselves no favors because it's not what we really want. So why bother, right?

Do only what you really want to do, not what you feel you should be doing, and you will be just fine.

As for the guy, glad you feel better & right on. A sex starved man who won't push you? GOOD. At least he's not needy about it.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

No, it's not selfish whatsoever to think this way. I think it's easy for many people to feel like we SHOULD be doing X,Y or Z. So we do X,Y or Z to feel like we're doing a good deed for ourselves, but in the end, we're doing ourselves no favors because it's not what we really want. So why bother, right?

Do only what you really want to do, not what you feel you should be doing, and you will be just fine.

As for the guy, glad you feel better & right on. A sex starved man who won't push you? GOOD. At least he's not needy about it.

Well, he seems like a good guy, and good guys don't push. He also is probably getting it from other places maybe lol.

And TY for the validation re: me doing what I want to do.

[Bill3]

I think when last church was talked about you said that you would go for X number of weeks, because consistent attendance helps with socializing, which was a goal of yours.

If you have not reached X number of weeks, then I would encourage you to go. Not because you "should" go to church, but because that was your commitment to yourself, to help with socializing.

I support you either way though.

With regard to the guy, I think I might be saying the same thing as golden_eve, but just to be sure: if you meet him for coffee and you like him and are attracted to him, then I would advise against sex with him. Sex can tend to make you like him even more, and then there will be a good chance that you'll be wanting emotional closeness from someone who isn't prepared to give it.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I think when last church was talked about you said that you would go for X number of weeks, because consistent attendance helps with socializing, which was a goal of yours.

If you have not reached X number of weeks, then I would encourage you to go. Not because you "should" go to church, but because that was your commitment to yourself, to help with socializing.

I support you either way though.

With regard to the guy, I think I might be saying the same thing as golden_eve, but just to be sure: if you meet him for coffee and you like him and are attracted to him, then I would advise against sex with him. Sex can tend to make you like him even more, and then there will be a good chance that you'll be wanting emotional closeness from someone who isn't prepared to give it.

Thanks Bill. I agree with you about the guy and if I like him, then not to have sex.

I know that socializing is a goal of mine. And that my plan was to go to church 5x in a row, after you suggested. But I think I'm good for tomorrow. I've been doing a lot with my time, and I'm honestly just wiped (I had 2 stressful interviews this week, I pushed myself to go to zumba, I've been keeping up with friends, I went to a knitting group the week before and liked it, and I'm keeping up with language class). I also am realizing, that while I wish I did, and feel I should, I don't actually care for church much. It's emotionally draining socially. Yes, there are some good things about it. I just think I need to do this my way. Thanks.

[Bill3]

I just think I need to do this my way. Thanks.

Like I said, I support you either way!

If you are discovering that you don't like church much, that is a useful discovery.

Since you wish that church was good, maybe there are other churches around that will suit you better?

Originally Posted by Bill3

Like I said, I support you either way!

If you are discovering that you don't like church much, that is a useful discovery.

Since you wish that church was good, maybe there are other churches around that will suit you better?

I'm glad!! And about other churches, it's worth a look-see at some point.

[eskielover]

Hmmmm his wife doesn't want sex with him.....do you know the reason why? Obviously not you haven't talked to her. It could very possibly that she knows he has been having sex with others long before they separated & no way does she want to risk being infected by anything he might have. She may not be financially able to divorce him or she would have filed for divorce already if she was financially able.

Sounds like all you see is the tip of the ice berg & you really don't want to see what is REALLY under it all.

Yes, you are going to do it your way no matter what. We all have free will & make our iwn choices. Some choices are better than others especially when we can't see the whole picture or only one side of it.

Just beware.

BTW....no church is going to see it as ok even dating a married man let alone having sex out of marriage. So it is not something I would share no matter what church you end up going to.....so beware of that also

Originally Posted by eskielover

Hmmmm his wife doesn't want sex with him.....do you know the reason why? Obviously not you haven't talked to her. It could very possibly that she knows he has been having sex with others long before they separated & no way does she want to risk being infected by anything he might have. She may not be financially able to divorce him or she would have filed for divorce already if she was financially able.

Sounds like all you see is the tip of the ice berg & you really don't want to see what is REALLY under it all.

Yes, you are going to do it your way no matter what. We all have free will & make our iwn choices. Some choices are better than others especially when we can't see the whole picture or only one side of it.

Just beware.

BTW....no church is going to see it as ok even dating a married man let alone having sex out of marriage. So it is not something I would share no matter what church you end up going to.....so beware of that also

I can see where you'd get that idea but I am not only seeing the tip of the iceberg. I'm saying I don't know. You don't know either. It's good to beware though. And it's good to gather more info.

Also, you may be making the assumption I go to a Christian church. I don't. I also don't air out my life to people at church.

[unaluna]

My feeling about meeting a guy just for sex - i would kinda feel like i was crossing a picket line! KWIM?

[MickeyCheeky]

((((KnitChick)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I'd say just go for it and see how it goes. If you like it you may go for more dates together and maybe have sex eventually. Just take your time and be careful, ok?

As for church, it's ok if you don't want to go. You're exploring your interests and figuring out along the way. I think that's good. At least you're trying.

[TishaBuv]

If a guy came out and said he ‘just wants sex’, I’d tell him to get a prostitute. The nerve of him. I find it so insulting! Why would anyone do it?

Sure, sometimes there’s a date, sex, and you never hear from them again. But to come right out and admit it really irks me.

My gut also tells me he is not even truly separated, but married.

I’m not judging you for whatever you think or do. Just throwing in my two cents. If you understand that a lot of women would tell a guy to get lost who said he just wants sex, it will give you more support to do the same.

Please ignore if I’ve offended you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If a guy came out and said he ‘just wants sex’, I’d tell him to get a prostitute. The nerve of him. I find it so insulting! Why would anyone do it?
Sure, sometimes there’s a date, sex, and you never hear from them again. But to come right out and admit it really irks me.
My gut also tells me he is not even truly separated, but married.

I agree. Thats why it would feel like i was crossing a picket line. It's not like scabs get BETTER pay and benefits, they work for less; they're desperate. It is to the employer's advantage; the scab gets crumbs. Sorry to say, i can so relate. It took soooo much therapy to bring me up and out of that.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If a guy came out and said he ‘just wants sex’, I’d tell him to get a prostitute. The nerve of him. I find it so insulting! Why would anyone do it?

Sure, sometimes there’s a date, sex, and you never hear from them again. But to come right out and admit it really irks me.

My gut also tells me he is not even truly separated, but married.

I’m not judging you for whatever you think or do. Just throwing in my two cents. If you understand that a lot of women would tell a guy to get lost who said he just wants sex, it will give you more support to do the same.

Please ignore if I’ve offended you.

Um, what the hell. Are you likening me to a prostitute? Seriously, I said no sex / slut shaming in this thread. I get that some people here like drama, but I'm not one of them so please. Go away with this response.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If a guy came out and said he ‘just wants sex’, I’d tell him to get a prostitute. The nerve of him. I find it so insulting! Why would anyone do it?

Sure, sometimes there’s a date, sex, and you never hear from them again. But to come right out and admit it really irks me.

My gut also tells me he is not even truly separated, but married.

I’m not judging you for whatever you think or do. Just throwing in my two cents. If you understand that a lot of women would tell a guy to get lost who said he just wants sex, it will give you more support to do the same.

Please ignore if I’ve offended you.

Hi Tisha, a LOT of men AND women for that matter just want sex. It is not insulting at all, especially when both are consenting adults. There is nothing wrong with this scenario.

She did say no slut shaming on here. I can understand why she is upset by your post. Normally, you are very supportive and understanding in all your posts.

Ps: Tisha, I get that you have your own thoughts and feelings on the subject. But your words did upset me, and just because you say "I'm not judging," doesn't mean your words are not judging and being hurtful. I think in this instance you are being very insensitive. Step off.

[FooZe]

This thread is being closed at the OP's request.