[Hayhayhay1986]

If you've read and replied my previous posts, you're going to say "we told you so".
I've moved to the USA from the UK to live with my husband and it's just bad.
It's affecting my mental health massively. I get depression and anxiety, which i am usually able to manage.
But I've got here and my husband still isn't working, sleeps all day, is awake all night. I've barely been here that long and we haven't spent much awake time together, as I sleep at night. He moved back home with his parents after selling his property so we could travel last year, so I have moved into his parents also. They completely turn a blind eye to how he lives, despite them being incredibly hard working.
I .unable to work yet as I haven't received my social security number and green card in the post yet. It should be here within the next three weeks. I have applied for jobs so I'm ready to go. I go insane without work.
I'm really struggling. He hasn't prepared anything for me to move here. He emptied out a drawer for me to put my stuff in a few days after I got here after I constantly nagged him too. I'm sat holed up in his room, in the dark on a sunny day.
I've mentioned to him that I have had replies to jobs I have applied for and he has made a hundred excuses why I can't and shouldn't do each one.
I feel like I'm going to snap, back my stuff and catch the next flight home. Part of me wanted to make the most of the opportunity for a new life. And it's just not happened.
I know if he had decided to move to England, I would have got everything in order before I moved. It makes me sad.
When I met him he had a huge house, a good paying job, he was motivated, excited about life. We used to go out on adventures all the time, we barely stayed in. This isn't what I signed up for. I'm broken hearted. I've been in denial for so long. Waiting for the first impression him to come back.

[CTECH]

What was your relationship like before? You're married so it must have been nice!
Its a bad situation for your both and for him. He's probably not feeling too good having his spouse come over to live in that situation, living with his parents and no job... is he depressed maybe? Indeed, what happened with him? It sounds like he went from being someone you fell in love with (sounds like you like adventure) to someone who's a little depressed for sure. Was he fired? Something happened? Maybe he needs some support?

Moving abroad also is a big thing, you made a big change in your life, so its natural to be disappointed with just an empty drawer. Of course you're broken hearted, this big change was meant to be for the better and now you're at home with someone you barely see who sleeps all day, that's not what you hop the pond for! But, his life is nothing at the moment, it seems, what else would he do? I think if he was busier he'd probably do more, but it sounds like he's pretty down right now. Someone who does nothing... does nothing! But don't judge him. Curiosity not judgement is key! He's different but maybe he's the same person grappling with something negative, bad etc.

Also, if you're not working, are you sat thinking about it all day? That's probably titling you quite off balance, in terms of your situation with him, and your mental health. When you can work, you can get some perspective and it might chill you out. In the meantime go for a walk, or, in the US, a drive, or something. Read a book, do something else. Go see a movie, remember who you are, you came there to live your life right, not just to be with him? Start building up your life there! Go make friends etc. Keep going as planned. He seems to be in a bad place, don't let that destroy everything, it might be temporary. But, if he's depressed, or down, or a bit sad, seeing it affect you will make it worse on him, keep him in bed maybe or whatever. Remember yourself, don't let it turn into resentment, otherwise it'll die.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, it sounds horribly depressing and disappointing. Why isn't your husband working?

I would say put down your foot with him and give him the business. You up and moved for him, and he's not doing anything to help you two financially. I assume you wish to move out of his parents home and live independently together on your own. Why isn't he working towards that? I would give him an ultimatum and tell him that things MUST change or else you will consider leaving.

[eskielover]

I would probably buy a plane ticket back to the UK & tell him as you are leaving that IF he chooses to ever get his life back together he can contact you then.....I would just get divorced as my final statement & see what happens from there. I stayed way too long with the guy I married & all his crap.....I would never recommend it. What you see is what you got.....it has to be on him to prove any change before considering to ever come back.

After the bad experience I had.....I have no tolerance for things like that because they are just all the red flags I saw & brushed off before & right after I got married......would not ever do a repeat of that.

[divine1966]

I’d go home. And file for divorce. If he was this way when you lived apart, it was obvious he’d be this way when you move together.

Keep in mind that typically/usually in the US if you work and he doesn’t, after 10 years of marriage you’d pay him spousal support. A lot. And for many years. So end it now.

My daughter recently moved in with the guy who seemed good when they dated, as soon as they moved in he turned out to be a terrible evil jerk. She immediately packed her cat and herself and ended it and moved out (maybe lived with him two months maximum). She was out like a light. Within few weeks she had new place, new great job and now is dating. So glad she didn’t marry that awful guy.

Buy a ticket and go home. Or if you’d like stay in the US, but don’t live with this man another day. No one needs husband like that

[Hayhayhay1986]

The reasons why he isn't working is because, he took a sebatical last year so that we could go travel for a couple of months. We were both finding long distance hard and we had to wait a year to get my visa for me to move. When he got back, his job said he had been gone longer than he had agreed so they wouldn't let him come back. He has promised to find employment elsewhere but he hasn't.
He is studying online school. But I mean, both my sisters are studying for degrees and they work over full time hours, I know tons of people who study and have kids, work, busy lives etc. He has said he will fully support me once he finishes his degree and gets a job, but that's a year to eighteen months away and the way things have been, it's hard to wait around and put trust into that promise.

[divine1966]

He will not support you. In fact he likely expects you and his parents to support him.

Online school? I got both undergraduate and graduate degrees (and not online) while working full time, raising a child as a single parent and most certainly not living with my parents. Last time I lived with my parents I was 18.

He tells you stories. Grown man lives with parents and can’t wotk because he is in-online school. I thought I heard it all.

Now, if that’s how he wants to live it’s fine. But why did he get married then? That doesn’t make sense. Normally grown people fix their lives first and then get married. Not the other way around. He wouldn’t even give you a drawer t put your stuff in. Does he even want you there?

[Hayhayhay1986]

Since first posting I have spoken to him. He asked me if I was bored and if I wished I was home. I said yes. He then apologised but said he can't do anything about it right now as school is so full on right now.
I said if I left now, that would be it, I would never come back and wouldn't give up my life at home twice. He got upset and he's now shut down.

[Hayhayhay1986]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He will not support you. In fact he likely expects you and his parents to support him.

Online school? I got both undergraduate and graduate degrees (and not online) while working full time, raising a child as a single parent and most certainly not living with my parents. Last time I lived with my parents I was 18.

He tells you stories. Grown man lives with parents and can’t wotk because he is in-online school. I thought I heard it all.

Now, if that’s how he wants to live it’s fine. But why did he get married then? That doesn’t make sense. Normally grown people fix their lives first and then get married. Not the other way around. He wouldn’t even give you a drawer t put your stuff in. Does he even want you there?

I know this deep down. I've just been in denial about it. I think he wants me here but only if I fit into this box of what he thinks a wife should be. Just by his side doing as he says 24/7 with no life of my own.

[Hayhayhay1986]

Originally Posted by CTECH

What was your relationship like before? You're married so it must have been nice!
Its a bad situation for your both and for him. He's probably not feeling too good having his spouse come over to live in that situation, living with his parents and no job... is he depressed maybe? Indeed, what happened with him? It sounds like he went from being someone you fell in love with (sounds like you like adventure) to someone who's a little depressed for sure. Was he fired? Something happened? Maybe he needs some support?

Moving abroad also is a big thing, you made a big change in your life, so its natural to be disappointed with just an empty drawer. Of course you're broken hearted, this big change was meant to be for the better and now you're at home with someone you barely see who sleeps all day, that's not what you hop the pond for! But, his life is nothing at the moment, it seems, what else would he do? I think if he was busier he'd probably do more, but it sounds like he's pretty down right now. Someone who does nothing... does nothing! But don't judge him. Curiosity not judgement is key! He's different but maybe he's the same person grappling with something negative, bad etc.

Also, if you're not working, are you sat thinking about it all day? That's probably titling you quite off balance, in terms of your situation with him, and your mental health. When you can work, you can get some perspective and it might chill you out. In the meantime go for a walk, or, in the US, a drive, or something. Read a book, do something else. Go see a movie, remember who you are, you came there to live your life right, not just to be with him? Start building up your life there! Go make friends etc. Keep going as planned. He seems to be in a bad place, don't let that destroy everything, it might be temporary. But, if he's depressed, or down, or a bit sad, seeing it affect you will make it worse on him, keep him in bed maybe or whatever. Remember yourself, don't let it turn into resentment, otherwise it'll die.

Our relationship before was great. It definitely was always a big adventure. That was a huge part of the draw to him.

[divine1966]

You said your relationship was great yet he physically assaulted you the first time you two met and overall acted off the wall. I am wondering if he was in some kind of manic state when he was adrventotous because he clearly isn’t now.

Also some people pretend in order to get someone hooked. He stopped pretending after he got you. He wasn’t working or showering or maintaining healthy life style for awhile, and you still moved in with him, so he stopped pretending awhile ago.

He expects his wife to be with him 24/7 but he likely expects to eat too. If neither of you would work or just stay home 24/7 then how does he expect to survive? Who is going to feed you two? He makes no sense

I am also concerned about your daughter. It can’t be good for her to see her mother living this way, regardless of her age.

[Hayhayhay1986]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You said your relationship was great yet he physically assaulted you the first time you two met and overall acted off the wall. I am wondering if he was in some kind of manic state when he was adrventotous because he clearly isn’t now.

Also some people pretend in order to get someone hooked. He stopped pretending after he got you. He wasn’t working or showering or maintaining healthy life style for awhile, and you still moved in with him, so he stopped pretending awhile ago.

He expects his wife to be with him 24/7 but he likely expects to eat too. If neither of you would work or just stay home 24/7 then how does he expect to survive? Who is going to feed you two? He makes no sense

I am also concerned about your daughter. It can’t be good for her to see her mother living this way, regardless of her age.

That's why I haven't walked away, because I was "catfished" so to speak. I was sold a dream of what life was going to be like and slowly as time went on, red flags and bad things have just kept on happening. And I'm forever waiting for that dream that I was sold and for him to be that person that he said he was. And I love him that much that I moved over here. So I can't comprehend why he doesnt love me enough to change and be a better person.
You're certainly right. After he got me he stopped trying.
His parents buy food right now. I have bought groceries since I have been here because I feel bad doing that and I wasn't raised to not contribute.
Yes my daughter is my main concern here.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Hayhayhay1986)))) I'm really sorry you're struggling so much. Please, leave as soon as you can. It seems pretty clear that he's not going to do anything to change... and that's not possible in a relationship. I'm sorry you and your daughter have to deal with this

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are in this situation now.

Id also expect him to eventually get violent when you two don’t live with parents. If he was violent once he’ll be again.

Honestly even though he did seem to pretend for awhile, he showed you who he was on the very first date. Throwing you around the room ad pushing you down and yelling in your face was him showing his true nature: very unstable. When you decided to dump him, he figured he needs to play nice.but he remained unstable even if he was not physically violent. Stable people don’t quit their jobs sold their houses in order to sleep all day and live with their parents, they don’t do it even for traveling around to have adventures with girlfriends. So even if he was adventitious or somehow great (?), he never really catfished. He showed his unstable nature all along. When people show you who they are, believe them.

But you aren’t obligated to stick around. As soon as green card comes in, get out and either get a job and rent a place in the us far away from him or go back to uk. ASAP

PS I dint think the issue is love or amount of it. It’s just who he is. You are seeing true him. Very unwell, unstable and simply not marriage material regardless how much he loves you

He has been violent before???? On the first date??? IF that's true, then I would dump him and get away as soon as possible. That is going to happen again. Abuse repeats itself.

And if he sold you on a big dream, well, that dream isn't the reality now. He sold you on a fantasy. My ex fiance did the same to me. Best to acknowledge what the real truth is, and leave now or as soon as you can. He's a bum.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

He has been violent before???? On the first date??? IF that's true, then I would dump him and get away as soon as possible. That is going to happen again. Abuse repeats itself.

And if he sold you on a big dream, well, that dream isn't the reality now. He sold you on a fantasy. My ex fiance did the same to me. Best to acknowledge what the real truth is, and leave now or as soon as you can. He's a bum.

It wasn’t first date technically but first time they met. I am pretty sure it’s the same man although I hope I might be wrong and hopefully it’s a different guy. Yes getting away from him and move out is a number one priority right now.

I also wonder... in order for people to bring foreign spouses in the US they have to show proof that they can support them until green card comes in and even after if things go wrong, they are obligated to support the spouse (not saying they have to support them forever but it’s pretty much promise to the US government that the new spouse won’t ask for state assistance”. People have to show their income. This guy couldn’t possibly obtain such proof if he does not work and has no place to live. How was he able to invite his wife for permanent residence in the US?

Yes, I agree, Divine, and most especially if he has been violent.

Hayhayhay1986, I am very sorry for the trouble you have found yourself in. Has he been violent towards you once before? IF so, please DO seriously consider leaving. If not, I would seriously consider leaving anyways.

This man led you down a path of roses, only to find that they're full of thorns.

He should have prepared much better for your move and to set you up financially. To move yourself to a completely different country for someone, only to live at their parents home, with no work, no money and no way to live on your own together? And now you're depressed... of course you are, I would be too!

And his plans? To support you once he's done with school in a year plus? Was that the plan BEFORE you moved there, or did he switch directions on you and tell you this once you got there? And are YOU supposed to now support HIM financially for the entire time while he's in school and once you get a job? Were you aware of the fact before you moved that he planned on not working while you work and support the two of you?

Who the heck sells their home, leaves their job and then offers marriage to someone and offers for them to come live with their parents in another country while that person remains unemployed????? This is INSANE. This man is completely irresponsible.

And the fact that he deters you from one position after another? Something is very off here, and very wrong. If I were you, I would walk away from this situation... not walk but RUN. He is not doing you any favors, and there are many red flags. I would pack your bags immediately.

Originally Posted by Hayhayhay1986

That's why I haven't walked away, because I was "catfished" so to speak. I was sold a dream of what life was going to be like and slowly as time went on.

but you know now there is no dream

[eskielover]

That's why I haven't walked away, because I was "catfished" so to speak. I was sold a dream of what life was going to be like and slowly as time went on.

Just because you were sold a dream doesn't mean you have to keep holding onto it once it has been proven to not exist. Time to make plans for your own life that don't require the involvement of anyone else. That gives you way more control over your OWN life.

because you were catfished is a reason you should walk not a reason you shouldn't

[Hayhayhay1986]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It wasn’t first date technically but first time they met. I am pretty sure it’s the same man although I hope I might be wrong and hopefully it’s a different guy. Yes getting away from him and move out is a number one priority right now.

I also wonder... in order for people to bring foreign spouses in the US they have to show proof that they can support them until green card comes in and even after if things go wrong, they are obligated to support the spouse (not saying they have to support them forever but it’s pretty much promise to the US government that the new spouse won’t ask for state assistance”. People have to show their income. This guy couldn’t possibly obtain such proof if he does not work and has no place to live. How was he able to invite his wife for permanent residence in the US?

Yes, this is true. You do have to show proof of income, has to be $21k a year. But, you can sponsor with savings or get a family member to co sponsor of the USC doesn't earn enough money. It's really easy to get around if you aren't working.
Yes it is the same man.

Dear hayhayhay1986,

May I ask WHY you decided to move out of your own country for a man who threw you around a room and physically abused you? That is violence. It will happen again. Guaranteed. I am not sure what you're thinking here was, but PLEASE leave this man ASAP. He is BAD NEWS.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Hayhayhay1986

Yes, this is true. You do have to show proof of income, has to be $21k a year. But, you can sponsor with savings or get a family member to co sponsor of the USC doesn't earn enough money. It's really easy to get around if you aren't working.
Yes it is the same man.

21k is low income, I am surprised as I thought it changed to a higher amount. But it’s still it’s an income. So he pretty much asked his family to sponsor you?

There is something wrong with his parents. If my kid lived like this dude does and for wtavee reason I supported her , no way no how I’d allow her to bring over a man to live in my house too. No way. Why did they think it’s a good idea?

Strange. Their son can’t wotk or maintain normal sleep schedule or even maintain daily hygiene yet can have a romantic partner living with him in their home? No way. And they sponsor him to bring a woman from overseas???And they plan 300 people wedding even though you’ve been married for awhile.
Are they out of their minds?

They and their son live in la-la land. Get out as soon as you can

[Hayhayhay1986]

I'm not sure why his parents accept his lifestyle or let him get away with so much. They don't react to any of it. There's never even like, a jokey comment about him not paying rent or whatever. It's just literally off topic, always.
The only rational reason I can think of is because he is studying for his degree so they want him to finish that and will help him out until then other than that, I have no idea.
My parents would be on my case day and night if I wasn't working for more than a couple of weeks

[Hayhayhay1986]

Originally Posted by divine1966

21k is low income, I am surprised as I thought it changed to a higher amount. But it’s still it’s an income. So he pretty much asked his family to sponsor you?

There is something wrong with his parents. If my kid lived like this dude does and for wtavee reason I supported her , no way no how I’d allow her to bring over a man to live in my house too. No way. Why did they think it’s a good idea?

Strange. Their son can’t wotk or maintain normal sleep schedule or even maintain daily hygiene yet can have a romantic partner living with him in their home? No way. And they sponsor him to bring a woman from overseas???And they plan 300 people wedding even though you’ve been married for awhile.
Are they out of their minds?

They and their son live in la-la land. Get out as soon as you can

No, he sponsored me with savings. Sorry I posted above witht the response to his parents and didn't reply on your comment.