[gloria]

Those who are going to repply, please read the whole post:

When my h and I had been married for approx 7 years, I did a flex drill in the military reserves, that means you go away from home for 6 days and you don't have to drill for 3 months.
Back then my marriage was as bad as it is now. Many of you know my story, but for those that don't my marriage is loaded with loneliness, verbal abuse, fear of him, sadness and a very small support system. Anyway, I was eating at the restaurant where military reservist had to eat and the Mgr kept on flirting with me. It made me uncomfortable, so I asked a friend of my h who was also drilling if he would come with me so the Mgr would quit. He said "sure". From that point on we ate together, like good friends do, and I felt ok because he was also a friend of my h.
By Friday, after dinner a group of military reservist were going to go out, so I went along. It had been years since the last time I had fun. As it got late, my h's friend and I found ourselves by ourselves so I figure it was time to go. He gave me a ride to the hotel all of us were staying and during the ride he started talking about his personal life. He was happy sharing about his daughter, etc. Out of the blue we kissed (yes, we, me too). Then I realized what I have done and tried to get out of the car as we had just parked at the hotel. He didn't let me out. I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to scream for help, but was embarazed to do it, because after all, what the heck was I, a married woman, doing in his car late at night, even he was just giving me a ride, it was unapropriate. I tried to scape but couldn't, and saddly, once I realized there was no escaping, I just let things happen without fighting any more.
The next day was very bad, didn't talk to each other, didn't exchange eye contact, etc. even we were stuck in the same room. I drove home that evening and was the longest drive ever. When I came home I felt like I had cheated my husband and I told myself I was going to make love to him like I never had, and was going to forget what had happened.
When I came home, I put on the cutest lingere and make up and started flirting with him, as it turned out, a re-run of the Brady Bunch was more appealing to him, and well, my marriage continued to be my marriaged. Sad, lonely, depressing, self-steam killing, etc.
Until one day, loneliness got the best of me and I called the military kid, and that turned into another one night stand except that it was during the day, and this time around I was not trapped. I did it voluntarily.
I couldn't stand the thought of having an affair so I left my husband and filed for divorce. But no support system, no family on my side, and everybody paying attention to the affair more than the true terrible issues in my marriage, I ended up loosing the battle and came back to him.
It's been quite a few years now, I feel as lonely as I ever did, still sad, still afraid, now carying the heavy load on my shoulders of the sinfull mistake I made, with everybody thinking he is a great man because he took me back, and now with three children that I adore and are the reason of my life.
I want out, I just want to be me and my children. I am tired of carying the load of the affair, and I am tired of being so down on myself.
Anyway, I just needed to get this off my shoulders.

gab

[betty_3]

Hi Gloria, It's time to forgive yourself for your mistakes. You can't change what happened then and have never done it again. You have children now and you need to address the problems you still have with your marriage and your hubby. Talk to a therapist to see what would help pull you out of this.

After I left my abusive marriage, I had to go to counseling to put my life and my children's lives back together. In fact while married, I was held like a prisoner in my own home. After leaving, I enrolled in school and completed degrees, which I would was prevented to do while married and worked a job.. I had to learn to forgive myself for not getting us out sooner. Things were financially difficult for us, but we are all (my kids and I) are so much happier...and there is love and peace in our home.

I'm not suggesting that you break up your home, by any means, but do mean that you need to forgive yourself first for not being perfect. Good luck!

[lalo53]

Did you tell your husband about it? Anyhow, it's over with and if you get the urge why stop yourself? It's part of life and if your husband can't provide it well....
I still hope you can resolve your issues with your husband if you want to.

[Sesquix]

Hi Gab,

You have so much to gain and can only get better if you leave this man. I could use a dose of strength too. I think that with the affair, he had you right where he wanted and now to him you justified every bad thing he has ever said to you. Is it worse this time around than the first time? I hope you can get yourself in a good position to get out. Life is too short to be miserable. I didn't sleep at all last night thinking about how I will get rid of my toxic girlfriend. I am making a plan of action, so you do the same and maybe we can share strategy.
good luck,
Sesquix

[gloria]

Thanks for your repplies, this is hard to share.

gab

Hugssssssssss Gloria. You know there is an ocean of acceptance here with us. You are more than your past to us. We love ya!!!!!!

[shakes]

(((((Gloria)))))
It took a tremendous amount of strength and courage to share your story with us. I agree with what has been already said by others. I totally agree that you have so much to offer the world and you do not need the crap that your husband gives to you. You are worth so much more then to deal with the pain and loneliness that your marriage brings you.
Bottom line is you deserve to be happy and if you believe leaving your husband would bring you that happiness then do it. From what I have read in past posts you have tried very very hard to save your marriage. A lot harder then most people would ever try. Please do not let past mistakes interfere with what you want for the future of you and your children. We are all human and do things that we are not proud of. The good thing is we can change the way our future will turn out.

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gloria}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sharing this had to be very difficult for you. It isn't right for something that happened so long ago (and you were not the only one at fault either) to keep being brought up and used against you as ammunition. Getting this off your chest, and having a therapist to support you through it, will surely make it easier than it was carrying the memory and guilt around by yourself. You can count on my support too. I hope that now you can move on and create the kind of life you deserve for yourself and your children.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>