[Zararose]

I'm thinking about telling my boyfriend "I'm sorry I have trust issues but I'm working on them"... Just to see what he says. He probably won't even say anything.

I really just want to get angry at him about something that happened several months ago that made me feel very uncomfortable. I've sort of confronted him about it already but he didnt give me the answer i wanted.

Maybe I should just move on.

[MickeyCheeky]

Do you want to share what made you uncomfortable? Regardless, I think telling him about your trust issues is a good idea. From what you wrote, he doesn't seem very supportive.

Clearly the issue is still bothering you and hasn’t been resolved. Open communication is always best.

[Zararose]

Well.. I'm going to feel stupid saying this. He had a 'moment' with a close friend where she untied and took off his shoes. It sounds so silly saying it out loud. I guess it's one of those things where you have to have been there.
Well... He was on the receiving end. it's not like he was taking off her shoes all seductively. It woudl have seemed rude to kick her away haha. Plus he walked straight over to me afterward as if to comfort me.
So I guess in the situation he acted appropriately?

[eskielover]

From your other post about him gaslighting you.....there is a lot more behind this than "just untying shoes"

You do seriously need to learn how to communicate. DBT therapy section on Interpersonal Effectiveness was a great help for me. Maybe you should look into getting into some helpful therapy. The issue doesn't seem to be about you bring controlling but it does sound from your other post that you do have issues with your own self confidence & communication both can be helped by therapy.

[Zararose]

Originally Posted by eskielover

From your other post about him gaslighting you.....there is a lot more behind this than "just untying shoes"

You do seriously need to learn how to communicate. DBT therapy section on Interpersonal Effectiveness was a great help for me. Maybe you should look into getting into some helpful therapy. The issue doesn't seem to be about you bring controlling but it does sound from your other post that you do have issues with your own self confidence & communication both can be helped by therapy.

The previous post was about my ex boyfriend - thank god I'm not still with him!. This post is about my current bf and me learning to trust again. Sorry I should've made that more clearer 😁

[MickeyCheeky]

You probably just need to work on your trust issues. I think it's ok to tell your BF if you haven't already.

[Keinta15]

You should look into getting interpersonal therapy, it always helps to learn how to interact with others.

In the issue at hand, you should try and communicate more with your current SO. Communication is key in a relationship, but you should also see the situation on the other person perspective. This is all good and dandy in words, but harder in application, that's why I'm recommending to seek help, it always helps to have someone that can analyze the situation further and help you grow as a person for you.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Zararose

The previous post was about my ex boyfriend - thank god I'm not still with him!. This post is about my current bf and me learning to trust again. Sorry I should've made that more clearer 😁

Oh good to know you are no longer with him

Yes, learning to trust is something you can learn but it will take time for them to make you see that you can trust them. When we have been burned we need to see proof to train our mind all over again that it is ok to trust again. The mind just doesn't have a reset button

Communication might be good or maybe just silently observe & learn from your own observations & experiences. That way you are not bring your past relationship to your new BF'S attention.....not always a good thing to do depending on the new BF.

[healingme4me]

Close friends? How close? And how did you come to learn of this shoes untying? Did you watch as it happened? Or did he just tell you all about it on a whim? Why would he say something like that, if so?

[Bill3]

What did you say to him about the untying and what did he say in reply?

[Albatross2008]

Your insecure feelings, whether valid or not, are the result of your past experience.

On the shoe incident, I don't have enough of the big picture to know what the intentions were. Probably you don't know him or his friend well enough yet either. It could have been innocent. Or, it could have been designed to provoke you and make you feel jealous so that if confronted, he can call you clingy and insecure. No way to know.

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't tell him that because of your past experiences, the situation made you uncomfortable. I don't advise getting angry with him, but instead speak to him gently and let him know that you're aware of your issues.

He'll likely respond one of two ways. One, he'll reassure you that it was well-intentioned and be more careful in the future about doing things that don't look right to you. In that case, good. Bonus points if he apologizes too. He might not feel he did anything wrong, and maybe he didn't, but it would be nice if he apologizes for making you uncomfortable. Or two, he'll get mad at you for bringing it up, accuse you of being jealous, and even question your love for him if you can't trust him. That second reaction would be a big red flag.

[s4ndm4n2006]

On the one hand if you're bring up a past offense or event to someone in order to get them to react differently, yes that can be something that is an attempt at control.

Seems to me that communicating to the other person as to why you're not satisfied with their reaction or behavior and having a conversation about the differences of your views would be more productive. I'm not at all saying that you should simply move on from the issue but confronting someone again about the event itself is probably not going to give you the outcome you want. What may, is looking at the situation and figuring out why it was so disturbing to you and talking about the deeper issues that clearly are there would be better.

[divine1966]

Is this the same boyfriend who never wants to get married to you and is terribly selfish in bed? Or is it a new one?

I can’t imagine under what circumstances any woman would take my husbands shoes off unless maybe medical professional if he was in a hospital. I think there is maybe more to all of this. And no unless he is sick in the hospital this isn’t appropriate at all

[astoldbyginger]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Is this the same boyfriend who never wants to get married to you and is terribly selfish in bed? Or is it a new one?

I can’t imagine under what circumstances any woman would take my husbands shoes off unless maybe medical professional if he was in a hospital. I think there is maybe more to all of this. And no unless he is sick in the hospital this isn’t appropriate at all

These were also my thoughts while reading this.

Zararose I hope you know that your feelings about things are valid. I know how that is, coming across something seemingly small—like someone removing your partner's shoes— but it alarms you. I too cannot imagine a scenario where I would remove any of my male friends' shoes (unless it were a weird joke of some sort). The fact that you said your boyfriend came over to you immediately after does come across as a good sign though. He too probably thought it was out of place. There might be other things that have happened to make it difficult to get passed it since then so I think you should definitely talk to him about it if you haven't already.

Originally Posted by Zararose

Well.. I'm going to feel stupid saying this. He had a 'moment' with a close friend where she untied and took off his shoes. It sounds so silly saying it out loud. I guess it's one of those things where you have to have been there.
Well... He was on the receiving end. it's not like he was taking off her shoes all seductively. It woudl have seemed rude to kick her away haha. Plus he walked straight over to me afterward as if to comfort me.
So I guess in the situation he acted appropriately?

It seems this friend was out of line, not him. I had a friend touch my fiance's hair and run her hands through his hair once right in front of me! I confronted her about it and told her to never do anything like that again, that it was rude and disrespectful of me and out of line. We haven't spoken since then.

I think telling your boyfriend you have trust issues is perfectly reasonable and probably a good thing to do. In this instance, he behaved appropriately, so I wouldn't harp on the issue with him since he wasn't the one out of line and it happened months ago. Try to let it go, but talk to him about your issues.