i want a friend IRL but I keep being used

Title says it all. I really need a friend IRL outside of my sisters & family. Every single time I meet somebody, they will be in a crisis and use me for awhile then suddenly disappear from my life when their crisis is over. I provide support, then poof! They are gone. I am so stupid to keep gravitating toward people like that. I guess I think if I help them out, then they will be there for me, but they never are Oh, and, even worse, it recently even happened online. OMG, something is really wrong with me

Please tell me I am not the only one with this problem. I feel so dumb because I keep repeating the same pattern again & again.

People often take advantage of me too. One of them was someone I met in a support group. She is blind, mentally ill, and homeless. So of course I felt sorry for her. I paid over $500 to stay a week at an extended stay hotel. I bought her groceries. I drove her everywhere she wanted to go. One time she called me at night and said she needed to go to the psychiatric hospital. So I drove her there and we waited for hours before the doctor would see her. They admitted her, but i didn't get back home until 2 am (luckily this was a Friday).

I finally decided to start setting boundaries. She wanted me to drive her to the support group on Tuesday evening. But my city is huge, and she lived so far from where I live, that i probably wouldn't have got home until after 11. So I told her I couldn't do that.

A few days later, she sent a text telling me to kill myself and calling me the C word. As soon as I stopped doing everything for her, she turned on me. So I blocked her number. Sometimes you have to do that to protect yourself.

Just letting you know that you're not the only person who gets taken advantage of. I'm trying to learn to be better about it and say no.

It’s not just you. I don’t have good luck with friendships either. Recently I met someone I thought I had some common ground with and we went to lunch. It turned out she was mostly interested in asking me a bunch of questions related to my specialty in health care. Then she seemed to want to debate the information I shared with her. Then she went into very personal detail about her marital problems. I felt uncomfortable and I don’t want to talk to her again. She gave me a bad vibe. Another person recently wanted money due to problems her adult son has brought on himself. She was very needy and always having problems she wanted me to help with and I refused to do it... so the friendship did not last.... The list just goes on. I see people form friendships all the time and it hasn’t worked out for me. I feel sad about it. Maybe I bail at the first little sign of trouble... I don’t know. I have been taken advantage of too much and I can feel it coming a mile away now.

Its not just you. I don't know what is going on with people. I have managed to cut a lot of people out of my life and still, it happens at work.

Co worker A; as much as tells me I am only good for being used. I don't know why he bothers.

Co worker B: will literally come over to me and if I start talking she will hop up and go "Oh well I will let you go" but when I listen to her stories she is there forever.

Co worker C: just doesn't want to talk to me anymore -- at all. Unless I am doing something for her. Getting her lunch or going to an event with her. I mean she literally doesn't pick up the phone if I call and if I get her she says "I have to go."

And the list just goes on and on.

I think this is how friendships are now. If you have a use for me, then we are friends, if not go screw, I will find someone else to do it. I am not like this and have been longing for true friendship forever. I thought it was me. But it really isnt. The people I have been friends with over my lifetime have done the same thing in different ways. And now I am basically alone. But it is better than being used.

I'm glad it's not just me, but this really sucks!

Yup it sure does

I think over all there is a real despair out there about modern relationships. I think it is broken and people have either forgotten or fail to do basic manners. I often find myself drawn to younger people who I work around because for the most part they do have the manners and they are happy and joyous. But that doesn't really become a thing either because I am older. It does make me feel lonely in place. Meeting new people used to be a joy but now I get nothing from it... but usually made to feel bad.

I actually had to Google IRL...if that doesn’t scream how old I am, nothing will. The hubby and I were, oddly enough, discussing this very topic on the way home from our visit to my daughter this weekend. Even though I have raised two children now both in there mid to late thirties, I still don’t know how to read that generation well or the younger Millennials. I think I get a handle on it but it slips away like smoke. Maybe that’s part of the reason. It’s hard to fully invest in life when your head and so much of life occurs or centers around the virtual in some way. Please understand this is NOT an insult or negative aspect in any way at all.

Whenever one generation is dominant when the world shifts in major ways such as the explosion of the internet or a turn of the Great astrological wheel from one age sign to another such as Pisces to Aquarius, it takes a period of adjustment. Those my age had no choice but to learn to create life long friend bonds unless we wanted to be hermits or outcasts. It was sometimes extremely painful but also much more fulfilling when it worked. If you think a close friend cannot break your heart, you’ve never had a close friend.

True, unconditional platonic friendship is a dying art...at least that’s how most might see it. In this disposable world, there is no real attachment to anything or anyone. I’m fine with the anything part ((except when my children say I should recycle more. I live in the middle of nowhere with zero options for recycling so I do the best I can to purchase quality over quantity and buy in bulk when possible, use leftovers, make my own beauty products and use natural cleaners as opposed to chemical ones...but, that’s another thread entirely.

It just seems that young folks have forgotten how to communicate with each other without a screen between them. Kids are fine with their social media friends but either over use or ignore the ones who are actually in the room with them. I get it. Adulting and mature friendship isn’t always easy. Neither is a solid marriage or a good parent child dynamic. It takes work. It requires commitment, balance and the ability to ebb and flow without breaking. Definitely not for the weak. Lol.

But...here’s the universal truth in this whole friendship thing. If you don’t at least like yourself enough to seriously believe you deserve fair, respected treatment, you will never receive it. People fall into the law of attraction just like any other form of energy. If you don’t believe, without a doubt, you ARE worthy of a real, unconditional love from anyone, platonic or deeper, it will not stay in your life. Now, here’s why I use the word “stay” and not a phrase like “show up”.

The Universe keeps trying to help by putting some amazing folks in our path, no matter how crappy we treat ourselves. It’s up to us to notice they are there and change our vibration to something positive enough to draw them in. If not, they will skip right off your perception like a marble off the atmosphere. I know it seems backwards but in order to be genuinely loved, we must first trust the one person to love us that we truly cannot exist without...ourselves.

It ain’t easy for those of us with chemical imbalances to do that. Trust me. But, it is a non negotiable part of it. I’m not saying you have to carry rose pedals in your pocket to throw in front of your path as you walk it...I’m just stating that you need to, at the very least, have enough inner fire to see yourself as worthy of respect and then follow through by respecting yourself...this means to monitor and watch yourself then check your ego every time it attempts to run you down. As we learn to care for ourselves, we find it easier to see and draw the good people to us.

I’ve had and lost a lot of good friends before I learned this. I’m not saying it’s their own fault if they don’t have good friends. That’s BS and don’t ever let anyone tell you different. I’m saying that without respect of self...getting respect from anyone else is damn hard to do.

The best friend we will ever have is ourselves and we are 100% in charge of that relationship AS LONG as we stay fully aware.

Find something amazing about yourself every day. Journal it. Only put positive things in your journal. Have upbeat dialogue with yourself every day. Before you go to sleep, remember only the positive things you did that day, pat yourself on the back. Just don’t high five yourself. Most people find that creepy.

It is possible to develop real friendships. It just takes two folks willing to invest in one another and that starts by investing in yourself first.

OK, end of Old Lady pep talk. You know you better than anyone else. Start there and work your way out.

That’s why I come here to talk about what’s on my heart and mind. I don’t meet people IRL that I trust.

I have this kind of thing with some of my coworkers. They constantly want me to listen to them or help them with something. One wanted me to donate my leave and I could feel her resentment when I didn’t. I feel isolated at work because I draw a clear boundary and I don’t spend my time socializing or getting enmeshed with personal stuff.

The world is full of users. Stop letting them use you and see how long they will want to be your friend

You’re right.

I’ve been blessed to have a couple of honest to goodness friends. I nurture these friendships by keeping in touch, making plans, caring about them, acknowledging their birthdays and such.

There’s a whole element of usery in people in general. Our business models literally promote it. I have a real aversion to this. I just hate phoniness. So I’m not doing very well in business as a result.

If you don’t let the users get something out of you, they’ll move on to the next patsy.

But don’t lose faith, there are genuine friends out there for you.

((((Everyone)))) I'm sorry you're all struggling with friendships IRL. Do they usually support you when they're your "friends"? Or is it just one-sided thing? That may be a pattern to recognize. I also agree that we need to love ourselves first before making any true friendships, although it isn't easy.