[LiteraryLark]

I've been dating this guy and things are going downhill fast. We had an amazing first date and even first week, but ten days after the first date he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes even though I told him I felt we were rushing things. Then for an entire week he asked me every day over and over "Am I doing good as a boyfriend? Am I a good boyfriend? Am I doing good as a boyfriend?" I felt a lot of pressure and a weight on my shoulders because he was outwardly "fanboying" me...literally...he'll tell me I'm his dream girl and telling all his friends how amazing I am...and I felt it was too soon, so I called off the boyfriend/girlfriend and he said "it's just a label, I still want to be long term" and would never acknowledge why he needed to be in a relationship so badly. Then the next week, he told me that if we want to be long term I'll need to accept that he needs constant reassurance, so whenever his mom's death or cancer or PTSD or him having a bad day is mentioned, I'll sympathize with "I'm sorry" and he'll reply with "Meh. It's cool. Whatever." So now I'm getting really irritated. So now all week this week he'll text me "How are you doing?" and I'll reply with "I'm fine. I'm okay" or if he says something and I reply with "Ok" he'll reply with "You don't sound okay, you don't sound fine" So this morning we do this again and he says "Your clear lack of communication says otherwise."

Now I'm the bad guy for hurting his feelings every time I feel overwhlemed. I'm concerned about his actions and how it's making me feel. He's a good guy otherwise when we're together in person, my parents approved of him when he came over for dinner and they don't say that about anyone and has even begged me to "go steady" with him, and even my brother approved and he's seen all my friends and dates and he was very impressed. But 99% of the time the problems are over text, but I'm just beyond overwhelmed looking back and feeling awful. I like him a lot, but I know I'm doing something wrong and I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do.

[downandlonely]

I think the problem might be in the texting medium. You can't get any non-verbal cues (body language, tone of voice, etc.) from text, so it is easy to misunderstand each other. I don't like that medium myself and refused to do it for quite a while before I finally gave in. It seems like no one will call me anymore. They only text.

It might help for you to talk about this with him face to face. Say that you don't think communicating via text is working that well. Maybe you can also agree to limit the amount of texting you do and try to talk on the phone now and then instead. Just a thought.

[nels13245]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

I've been dating this guy and things are going downhill fast. We had an amazing first date and even first week, but ten days after the first date he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes even though I told him I felt we were rushing things. Then for an entire week he asked me every day over and over "Am I doing good as a boyfriend? Am I a good boyfriend? Am I doing good as a boyfriend?" I felt a lot of pressure and a weight on my shoulders because he was outwardly "fanboying" me...literally...he'll tell me I'm his dream girl and telling all his friends how amazing I am...and I felt it was too soon, so I called off the boyfriend/girlfriend and he said "it's just a label, I still want to be long term" and would never acknowledge why he needed to be in a relationship so badly. Then the next week, he told me that if we want to be long term I'll need to accept that he needs constant reassurance, so whenever his mom's death or cancer or PTSD or him having a bad day is mentioned, I'll sympathize with "I'm sorry" and he'll reply with "Meh. It's cool. Whatever." So now I'm getting really irritated. So now all week this week he'll text me "How are you doing?" and I'll reply with "I'm fine. I'm okay" or if he says something and I reply with "Ok" he'll reply with "You don't sound okay, you don't sound fine" So this morning we do this again and he says "Your clear lack of communication says otherwise."

Now I'm the bad guy for hurting his feelings every time I feel overwhlemed. I'm concerned about his actions and how it's making me feel. He's a good guy otherwise when we're together in person, my parents approved of him when he came over for dinner and they don't say that about anyone and has even begged me to "go steady" with him, and even my brother approved and he's seen all my friends and dates and he was very impressed. But 99% of the time the problems are over text, but I'm just beyond overwhelmed looking back and feeling awful. I like him a lot, but I know I'm doing something wrong and I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do.

You are too mature for him by the looks of it

[Chyialee]

Oh no, LL. I'm sorry.
It's so bloody difficult to feel pressured ALL the time, to have to come up with the "correct" reassurances that someone who is that needy of it, will even accept.
If I may offer an opinion: It doesn't sound to me like he is asking for objective reassurance -- he's all in his FEEEELINGS, and wants to be assured until he feels reassured. Which isn't wrong -- but when it's constant, it surely is exhausting!

It would seem a little invalidating, imo, to be asked for assurances -- and then to have him immediately announce that, in effect, you aren't telling the truth ("You aren't fine"; "your silence says...." etc.) That is what would make my head explode.

Granted that relationships are hard work and a lot of it -- you'll need to evaluate how much heavy going this one is worth. Wishing you all the luck!

Best,
Chia, really smdh

Yikes, that's a LOT of insecurity to deal with... you sure you want to deal with that?? How long have you been with him? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be able to tolerate someone needing SO much reassurance... and then having to worry about their feelings all the time. Sounds like way too much work, early on. Yes, relationships can be work, but they don't need to be THAT much work so soon, or exhausting like that.

[Medusax]

You are not the "bad" guy. I think most of us have had a "great guy/girl but" in our lives...I did....

[Bill3]

I expect that a good therapist would want him to experience doing without reassurance so as to wean himself from it.

You yourself could tell him that you are not going to be his reassurance device.

His comments along the lines of “your silence speaks otherwise” strike me as offensive. He is suggesting that you are not being truthful with him.

It sounds like it would be exhausting to be jumping through his reassurance hoops indefinitely. But does he require reassurance in person or just by text? It sounds like he does better when with you in person.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you' re struggling, LiteraryLark It sounds like this guy is really needy. You're not in the wrong by being put off by all of this. I think you need to discuss this problem with him face to face, and see how it goes from there. Hopefully he'll recognize this behavior and will try to change for the best. If not, there isn't really much else you can do. You can't force him to change and he's the one that has to work through his issues, so at that point you may even decide to dump him. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[LiteraryLark]

Things got really ugly last night.

He's been guilt-tripping me ever since I decided to call off on the relationship status. Every day he'd bring it up that it "hurt him" even though at first he said he's willing to wait. Last night he said it "put him in a situation he didn't particularly like". He told me that "He's been put on a shelf to dust while I sort myself out" and "You want me to friendzone myself so I can exist in a vacuum for you. That's not how it works" "Nothing is static, and despite popular belief, I actually have someone who wants to go on a date with me." "I'm sorry to take away your opportunity to operate on your own timeline, but you made the call. And it isn't particularly fair for me having to wait because the timing is off."

It just got really ugly really fast, so I told him it's not fair to force myself into a relationship when I'm not ready for it, it's best to move on, go on that date and have fun.

I'm really concerned now, I don't want to end up hurt.

[Middlemarcher]

Relationships are not supposed to be this difficult in the beginning. It would probably be best for you to move on as well.

“That's not how it works” — He doesn’t get to tell you how anything works.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I think the problem might be in the texting medium. You can't get any non-verbal cues (body language, tone of voice, etc.) from text, so it is easy to misunderstand each other. I don't like that medium myself and refused to do it for quite a while before I finally gave in. It seems like no one will call me anymore. They only text.

It might help for you to talk about this with him face to face. Say that you don't think communicating via text is working that well. Maybe you can also agree to limit the amount of texting you do and try to talk on the phone now and then instead. Just a thought.

I brought that up to him because I agreed with what you said. He said "Chemistry and timing, we have chemistry but the timing is off" then he went south with his messages after that.

This guy is way too demanding and pushy, on top of being severely needy. This would have gone south anyways. Consider yourself lucky for learning this now rather than later when you're more deeply involved and having things get worse. Sounds like a huge headache. Too many issues!!! He's also now putting guilt on you. Good riddance. ARGH.

[Blogwriter]

Hi Literary Lark,

I am concerned for your involvement in this relationship. He sounds like a person with many psychological problems. It is not fair to you to always have to reassure him. I hope he sees a counselor or a psychologist to try to straighten it out. If he won't get help, I suggest you dump him.

[Open Eyes]

This guy sounds like he is pushing your buttons to play a codependent role with him where he can feel he has all the control. The fact that you told him you need more space and he responded to that with going downhill emotionally, that's a red flag that you need to pay attention to. I don't care for how he also used this "well someone else wants to date me" like if you don't allow him to control the relationship you will lose him. Just because other people around you liked him doesn't mean you should give in when he asks you to either. A lot of people that ended up being badly abused had family and friends that were shocked because they thought the guy was a nice guy. So paying attention to the red flags that come up is important.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

This guy sounds like he is pushing your buttons to play a codependent role with him where he can feel he has all the control. The fact that you told him you need more space and he responded to that with going downhill emotionally, that's a red flag that you need to pay attention to. I don't care for how he also used this "well someone else wants to date me" like if you don't allow him to control the relationship you will lose him. Just because other people around you liked him doesn't mean you should give in when he asks you to either. A lot of people that ended up being badly abused had family and friends that were shocked because they thought the guy was a nice guy. So paying attention to the red flags that come up is important.

Yes, I realized the red flags yesterday and it really scared me. I hope he doesn't do anything reckless like show up at my house uninvited.

[Open Eyes]

You have to make sure you tell him that you don't want to date him anymore and that he is right and should spend his time finding someone else that is ready and not wait for you because after thinking about it you genuinely are not ready for the kind of relationship he wants to have and you are definite about that.

It could be that he is a nice guy but has self esteem and control issues and might be more dependent on you than you can handle. I think that is what you are experiencing with him and that's not healthy for you, it's too much responsibility.

[LiteraryLark]

I'm working on screenshotting the messages, just in case. I'm wondering do I screen shot every message for the duration of our messaging or just the red flags? I can't explain why I may need them, but you never know.

[luvyrself]

My friend w ptsd (I was guessing that and he admitted it) is giving me problems too. I think he is a people pleaser and bends the truth to make people happy, give him no grief, whatever. This one may be a womanizer also. Men!

[Open Eyes]

If it makes you feel safer to screen shot his messages so you have a record of them then go ahead and do so. Hopefully he will let go and move on, just don't say things to him that encourage him to hang on and keep trying. You really need to be firm and keep things short and to the point with him. Stick to the he is right you are not ready AT ALL and you really don't want to give him false hopes AT ALL about you.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

If it makes you feel safer to screen shot his messages so you have a record of them then go ahead and do so. Hopefully he will let go and move on, just don't say things to him that encourage him to hang on and keep trying. You really need to be firm and keep things short and to the point with him. Stick to the he is right you are not ready AT ALL and you really don't want to give him false hopes AT ALL about you.

Thank you

[Open Eyes]

He may be a nice guy but from what you have described he sounds very needy and emotional. He might be too emotionally demanding for you and he was moving too fast with you too. The fact that he scares you at all is a red flag so it's better to cut things off before he gets too attached to you and pulls you in deeper. Him having a meltdown with you because you set boundaries is a red flag.