[jagette12]

Sorry for the long message… I’m new here so if my message is better in another forum, please let me know!



I’m in my late 30s, divorced, and have no children and started dating a single dad for the first time about six months ago. He’s very kind, mature, and a great communicator. He and his ex-wife are amicably divorced and worked hard at deconstructing their marriage in a way that hurt the children (5 year old daughter and 8 year old son) as little as possible. It’s both of our first times dating someone post-divorce. I was happy to learn from the beginning that he and his ex-wife were amicable and working towards a modern family approach to their relationship moving forward. He made it clear that he’s not looking for a stepmom since his ex-wife is very much in the picture but understands my desire to be a mentor on some level. As a woman who got divorced in her early 30s, I knew that trying to time finding a partner *and* having children might be tricky, so I became open to the idea of being involved with children even if they aren’t my own. I’ve met my boyfriend’s children several times and they like me (and my dog) a lot.

The struggle I’m having is that the more involved I get, the more I am trying to figure out how I fit into the equation. I’ve spent a significant amount of time with his family, including joining him, his ex-wife, and their children while they were on vacation together. His ex-wife and I get along well and the the kids have been told that I’m my boyfriend's “Valentine” so they understand who I am.

I have main two concerns about my relationship with him and with his children:

1. I’m not much of a drinker, but my boyfriend is. I’ve had concerns about how much he drinks, and even though I’ve never seen him drunk, he’s one of those people that can drink a lot and not have it affect his behavior or make him drunk. He claims to have “a strong liver” (is there really such a thing?!). I just worry about the long term health effects it might have on him. We’ve talked about it and he’s aware of my concern, but he also made it clear that he’s comfortable with his alcohol consumption. Do other people have experiences with dating someone who drinks considerably more than you do and how to tell if there’s really a problem? The people I’ve dated in the past were either non-drinkers (not that I sought them out) or drank the same as I do, so this is new for me. Have any of you found this is dealbreaker and you just weren't a good fit even if the person didn't have a serious problem?

2. I’ve also had concerns about how lenient he is with his kids and at times how they don’t seem to respect him. He allows his children to choose what they want to eat and when he has them they frequently go out to eat. Their diet is a lot of carbs, fats, and sugars. I know that’s typical of a lot of children, but his daughter is very overweight, probably considered obese, and I really worry about the effects this will have on her. After being with her on vacation, she seems obsessed with food and feels the need to have it whenever someone else is. My boyfriend’s son has ADHD, OCD and anxiety issues and I know their diet doesn’t help.



I wondered if it was just my boyfriend acting this way, but seeing he and his ex-wife co-parent made it clear that they both let the kids eat whatever they want. When they do make the effort to tell the kids they can’t eat anymore and attempt to take something away, the kids will grab it back or take more—something that would have infuriated my parents if I had done that when I was a kid. They also sneak food behind their backs and lie about what they have or haven't eaten. A typical day includes chicken tenders and fries, pizza, hot dogs as snacks, sugary bubble gum, sugary cereals and snacks—all things that are fine in moderation, but this is literally their diet. I don’t understand how my boyfriend and his ex-wife don’t seem to see how bad this is for their children, especially their daughter. My boyfriend has lost some weight over the years and makes an effect to exercise and eat healthily on his own, so this makes it even more confusing especially since he was called "fat" a lot as a kid by bullies.



I came from a VERY different family where my parents were hyper-focused on weight and dieting, but I never did because I saw this as an unhealthy extreme. I always had to eat a vegetable/salad with my meal—it was always a rule we followed and I didn’t question it. Is this no longer normal for children?



I know I’m not a parent, but I want to have some positive impact on these kids and healthy eating is very important to me and I know it can be fun. I’m very into farmers’ markets and farm-to-table cooking. I don’t want to be pushy and I know the end-goal isn’t for me to become a stepmom, but I’d like to be a mentor to these kids and see them be healthy and happy. I'm not someone who can watch from the sideline forever and not say anything, but I don’t know how to approach this with my boyfriend without potentially upsetting him, especially about his daughter. Do people have suggestions on how to talk about this with him or ways that I can help help the kids eat more healthily? 



Thanks for your help!

[hvert]

Yes, it's possible for the drinking to be a deal breaker even though it may not be a serious problem (although people can be alcoholics without getting drunk). I don't know how you can tell if he has a problem or not - the bigger issue is that *you* are concerned with the alcohol intake and he is not. You can both be 'right' about this.

At six months, it seems too early to me to get involved with his parenting decisions. What do you think his reaction would be if you brought up your concerns and observations?

[divine1966]

I am really taken aback that you join him and his ex wife on vacations. So he and his ex wife vacation together? I’d certainly stayed home if my husband took his ex to join us on vacations.

Now i don’t think it’s your place to advice re diet or mentor his children. I can’t imagine dating someone and boyfriend criticize what my kid eats. Yes it sounds like they eat unhealthy but this is recent relationship for you and kids have parents. I am also confused on a concept of being their “mentor”. Why?

So the goal is NOT for you to be ever a stepmom? So you two never plan on commiting and you always plan to join him and his ex wife when they do things?

Both my husband and I have kids from first marriages and I know many others who have kids from previous marriages but I have never heard of someone assuming a role of a “mentor” to kids of a significant other. I’d not plan to mentor them if I was you.

Yes your place in this picture is confusing. Nothing wrong with being amicable with exes. I and my ex are friendly but your boyfriend and his ex might not be over each other. I don’t know any divorced people who are vacationing together. Why? If I still wanted to vacation with my ex, I’d stay married to him. And it confuses kids. They might think mom and dad are in open marriage as dad brings his girlfriend along to family events.

As about drinking. I don’t drink and neither does my husband. I had drinking partner before and drinking or drugs are total deal breakers for me. It depends what you think and feel about it. We can’t tell you if it’s bad.

[healingme4me]

If the amount of alcohol consumption is an issue for you, then why deny your intuition? I, personally, would not get myself involved with another heavy drinker regardless of how mellow their personality could be. Everything "seemed" ok at the beginning with how I thought about drinking and consumption when I first married. But it was an eye opener. So that's truly up to you to decide what's tolerable or not.

As far as the kids. Hmmm. Tough call. Being critical of parenting decisions probably won't go over very well. It could drive wedges or be the straw that breaks the camel's back. In stating leniency, are you suggesting that their approach to consequence or discipline is disagreeable to you? Are the children utterly misbehaved and out of control? Are they troublemakers outside the home?

I don't know about the vacation set ups? It's one thing to be amicable in coparenting. Certainly there will be events and ceremonies etc that call for presence of both parents and respective plus ones. At the same time, vacations? Like Disney? Ugh...exes in small doses are one thing...

[unaluna]

I dont think this is the family for you.

[SparkySmart]

I'm inclined to agree with unaluna. Too many red flags.

As far as "mentoring," I think that all adults have a role in influencing young people, for good or for bad; no harm in wanting that influence to be a positive one.

[IceCreamKid]

I hope this helps you and others. I am providing a resource for information about drinking. The fact that your boyfriend appears to have a high tolerance for alcohol is actually a worry.

https://www.rethinkingdrinking.niaaa...v/Default.aspx

This family has multiple problems and your healthy approach to life is not the bandaid to fix them. I have seen this before, where a man or woman with significant problems will attract a healthy mate with a compassionate heart -- but unless the person with the problems wants to make changes the relationship is going to be heavy going.

I would cut my losses and not pursue a romantic relationship with this man. If you think you could create a friendship with him (and his ex-wife) you might still be able to be a positive influence in the children's lives. Also if you are looking for positive influence on children; please consider being a Big Sister or adopting an older child who would be so grateful for a home.

[lizardlady]

I responded to your other thread about his parenting of the kids.

Reading this post with your concerns about his drinking, I agree there are too many red flags in this relationship.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

I responded to your other thread about his parenting of the kids.

Reading this post with your concerns about his drinking, I agree there are too many red flags in this relationship.

Now that I am realizing there's more than just a 9 year old boy driving a rationale for considering leaving, it makes more sense.

There are indeed lots of red flags.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, jagette12. I agree it doesn't sound like an healthy lifestyle. Your concerns are valid. I think you need to seriously discuss this with him and see how it goes from there. If this lifestyle doesn't suit you, and your boyfriend isn't interested in change, then you may want to seriously reconsider this relationship. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[sarahsweets]

Not getting drunk does not mean you do not have an alcohol problem. If anything it makes it worse.

[jagette12]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

I responded to your other thread about his parenting of the kids.

Reading this post with your concerns about his drinking, I agree there are too many red flags in this relationship.

Thanks lizardlady for reading both posts. The drinking is actually something I've learned that I'm overly sensitive about. Friends and family have been around him when he's drinking and said his drinking is totally normal. I went from an ex-husband who never drank to someone who appreciates craft beer, so it's still a big change but something I'm now sensing is not a problem.

My concern now is really the parenting. He admitted that if he had had two of his daughters then he probably would have never gotten divorced. Given that his son was essentially at the root of ruining their marriage, I don't understand how he doesn't think it will have the same effect on his new relationship.

[saidso]

If you come across as criticising him and ex-wife parenting skills, it could be a deal breaker. You do come across that way - and I don't mean that negatively.

On the other hand he just might be willing to see that the habits he and ex-wife built up over the years are only habits, and that his relationship with you is worth more than that.

I think a lot depends upon his attitude to his relationship with you and his ability to work at adapting to being with you. He does seem set in his ways, and his parenting is only one part of that.

If he's not willing to work on his relationship with you, and to give that equal value, then>>>

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by jagette12

Sorry for the long message… I’m new here so if my message is better in another forum, please let me know!



I’m in my late 30s, divorced, and have no children and started dating a single dad for the first time about six months ago. He’s very kind, mature, and a great communicator. He and his ex-wife are amicably divorced and worked hard at deconstructing their marriage in a way that hurt the children (5 year old daughter and 8 year old son) as little as possible. It’s both of our first times dating someone post-divorce. I was happy to learn from the beginning that he and his ex-wife were amicable and working towards a modern family approach to their relationship moving forward. He made it clear that he’s not looking for a stepmom since his ex-wife is very much in the picture but understands my desire to be a mentor on some level. As a woman who got divorced in her early 30s, I knew that trying to time finding a partner *and* having children might be tricky, so I became open to the idea of being involved with children even if they aren’t my own. I’ve met my boyfriend’s children several times and they like me (and my dog) a lot.

The struggle I’m having is that the more involved I get, the more I am trying to figure out how I fit into the equation. I’ve spent a significant amount of time with his family, including joining him, his ex-wife, and their children while they were on vacation together. His ex-wife and I get along well and the the kids have been told that I’m my boyfriend's “Valentine” so they understand who I am.

I have main two concerns about my relationship with him and with his children:

1. I’m not much of a drinker, but my boyfriend is. I’ve had concerns about how much he drinks, and even though I’ve never seen him drunk, he’s one of those people that can drink a lot and not have it affect his behavior or make him drunk. He claims to have “a strong liver” (is there really such a thing?!). I just worry about the long term health effects it might have on him. We’ve talked about it and he’s aware of my concern, but he also made it clear that he’s comfortable with his alcohol consumption. Do other people have experiences with dating someone who drinks considerably more than you do and how to tell if there’s really a problem? The people I’ve dated in the past were either non-drinkers (not that I sought them out) or drank the same as I do, so this is new for me. Have any of you found this is dealbreaker and you just weren't a good fit even if the person didn't have a serious problem?

2. I’ve also had concerns about how lenient he is with his kids and at times how they don’t seem to respect him. He allows his children to choose what they want to eat and when he has them they frequently go out to eat. Their diet is a lot of carbs, fats, and sugars. I know that’s typical of a lot of children, but his daughter is very overweight, probably considered obese, and I really worry about the effects this will have on her. After being with her on vacation, she seems obsessed with food and feels the need to have it whenever someone else is. My boyfriend’s son has ADHD, OCD and anxiety issues and I know their diet doesn’t help.



I wondered if it was just my boyfriend acting this way, but seeing he and his ex-wife co-parent made it clear that they both let the kids eat whatever they want. When they do make the effort to tell the kids they can’t eat anymore and attempt to take something away, the kids will grab it back or take more—something that would have infuriated my parents if I had done that when I was a kid. They also sneak food behind their backs and lie about what they have or haven't eaten. A typical day includes chicken tenders and fries, pizza, hot dogs as snacks, sugary bubble gum, sugary cereals and snacks—all things that are fine in moderation, but this is literally their diet. I don’t understand how my boyfriend and his ex-wife don’t seem to see how bad this is for their children, especially their daughter. My boyfriend has lost some weight over the years and makes an effect to exercise and eat healthily on his own, so this makes it even more confusing especially since he was called "fat" a lot as a kid by bullies.



I came from a VERY different family where my parents were hyper-focused on weight and dieting, but I never did because I saw this as an unhealthy extreme. I always had to eat a vegetable/salad with my meal—it was always a rule we followed and I didn’t question it. Is this no longer normal for children?



I know I’m not a parent, but I want to have some positive impact on these kids and healthy eating is very important to me and I know it can be fun. I’m very into farmers’ markets and farm-to-table cooking. I don’t want to be pushy and I know the end-goal isn’t for me to become a stepmom, but I’d like to be a mentor to these kids and see them be healthy and happy. I'm not someone who can watch from the sideline forever and not say anything, but I don’t know how to approach this with my boyfriend without potentially upsetting him, especially about his daughter. Do people have suggestions on how to talk about this with him or ways that I can help help the kids eat more healthily? 



Thanks for your help!

I think you need to leave this guy. I think you are doing more harm than you intend for the children. It sound like you are trying to be parent when you are not the parent.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I dont think this is the family for you.

I agree!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by jagette12

Sorry for the long message… I’m new here so if my message is better in another forum, please let me know!



I’m in my late 30s, divorced, and have no children and started dating a single dad for the first time about six months ago. He’s very kind, mature, and a great communicator. He and his ex-wife are amicably divorced and worked hard at deconstructing their marriage in a way that hurt the children (5 year old daughter and 8 year old son) as little as possible. It’s both of our first times dating someone post-divorce. I was happy to learn from the beginning that he and his ex-wife were amicable and working towards a modern family approach to their relationship moving forward. He made it clear that he’s not looking for a stepmom since his ex-wife is very much in the picture but understands my desire to be a mentor on some level. As a woman who got divorced in her early 30s, I knew that trying to time finding a partner *and* having children might be tricky, so I became open to the idea of being involved with children even if they aren’t my own. I’ve met my boyfriend’s children several times and they like me (and my dog) a lot.

The struggle I’m having is that the more involved I get, the more I am trying to figure out how I fit into the equation. I’ve spent a significant amount of time with his family, including joining him, his ex-wife, and their children while they were on vacation together. His ex-wife and I get along well and the the kids have been told that I’m my boyfriend's “Valentine” so they understand who I am.

I have main two concerns about my relationship with him and with his children:

1. I’m not much of a drinker, but my boyfriend is. I’ve had concerns about how much he drinks, and even though I’ve never seen him drunk, he’s one of those people that can drink a lot and not have it affect his behavior or make him drunk. He claims to have “a strong liver” (is there really such a thing?!). I just worry about the long term health effects it might have on him. We’ve talked about it and he’s aware of my concern, but he also made it clear that he’s comfortable with his alcohol consumption. Do other people have experiences with dating someone who drinks considerably more than you do and how to tell if there’s really a problem? The people I’ve dated in the past were either non-drinkers (not that I sought them out) or drank the same as I do, so this is new for me. Have any of you found this is dealbreaker and you just weren't a good fit even if the person didn't have a serious problem?

2. I’ve also had concerns about how lenient he is with his kids and at times how they don’t seem to respect him. He allows his children to choose what they want to eat and when he has them they frequently go out to eat. Their diet is a lot of carbs, fats, and sugars. I know that’s typical of a lot of children, but his daughter is very overweight, probably considered obese, and I really worry about the effects this will have on her. After being with her on vacation, she seems obsessed with food and feels the need to have it whenever someone else is. My boyfriend’s son has ADHD, OCD and anxiety issues and I know their diet doesn’t help.



I wondered if it was just my boyfriend acting this way, but seeing he and his ex-wife co-parent made it clear that they both let the kids eat whatever they want. When they do make the effort to tell the kids they can’t eat anymore and attempt to take something away, the kids will grab it back or take more—something that would have infuriated my parents if I had done that when I was a kid. They also sneak food behind their backs and lie about what they have or haven't eaten. A typical day includes chicken tenders and fries, pizza, hot dogs as snacks, sugary bubble gum, sugary cereals and snacks—all things that are fine in moderation, but this is literally their diet. I don’t understand how my boyfriend and his ex-wife don’t seem to see how bad this is for their children, especially their daughter. My boyfriend has lost some weight over the years and makes an effect to exercise and eat healthily on his own, so this makes it even more confusing especially since he was called "fat" a lot as a kid by bullies.



I came from a VERY different family where my parents were hyper-focused on weight and dieting, but I never did because I saw this as an unhealthy extreme. I always had to eat a vegetable/salad with my meal—it was always a rule we followed and I didn’t question it. Is this no longer normal for children?



I know I’m not a parent, but I want to have some positive impact on these kids and healthy eating is very important to me and I know it can be fun. I’m very into farmers’ markets and farm-to-table cooking. I don’t want to be pushy and I know the end-goal isn’t for me to become a stepmom, but I’d like to be a mentor to these kids and see them be healthy and happy. I'm not someone who can watch from the sideline forever and not say anything, but I don’t know how to approach this with my boyfriend without potentially upsetting him, especially about his daughter. Do people have suggestions on how to talk about this with him or ways that I can help help the kids eat more healthily? 



Thanks for your help!

The ex -wife should be filing a restraining order against you for trying take over her place in her children life.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I hope this helps you and others. I am providing a resource for information about drinking. The fact that your boyfriend appears to have a high tolerance for alcohol is actually a worry.

Rethinking Drinking Homepage - NIAAA

This family has multiple problems and your healthy approach to life is not the bandaid to fix them. I have seen this before, where a man or woman with significant problems will attract a healthy mate with a compassionate heart -- but unless the person with the problems wants to make changes the relationship is going to be heavy going.

I would cut my losses and not pursue a romantic relationship with this man. If you think you could create a friendship with him (and his ex-wife) you might still be able to be a positive influence in the children's lives. Also if you are looking for positive influence on children; please consider being a Big Sister or adopting an older child who would be so grateful for a home.

I agree. I think you should leave.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Not getting drunk does not mean you do not have an alcohol problem. If anything it makes it worse.

I agree and it is true.

[saidso]

Sarahsweet - I felt bad about posting so insensitively. My own life experiences were rocketing around in my head and after I posted I had to do something else and couldn't come back to edit.

If you've been with this guy for a year, and had fun with him, then you've invested yourself in the relationship. Perhaps the fact that you come from families with very different value systems has potential for both of your growth - if that's what you both choose to do.

I don't think that you can change his family - because those kids are still very young and kids and dependent upon known relationships. Kids and adults tend to hold on tight to what they know during times of transition. It may look bad from the outside, but for the kids it may be more important that their parents remain constant in their behaviours towards them than that their parents suddenly start "teaching them self-discipline".

What you can do is to examine how far you are willing to adapt your own value system and how far he wants to adapt to your values... If he wants to adapt, it may be a question of how patient you can be in the meantime.

Either you are both going to learn something, or the differences between you will split you apart but it was still worth trying!

From what you recount him sayiing it doesn't sound like he wants to question his alcohol consumption - so you have to ask yourself whether you want to live with this as a long-term situation. Some people do make successful partnerships with people who drink to make life more mellow. It's a question of whether he wants what you want going forward.

Seems like a lot of your relationship has been about being presented with his family, but how does he see your role in his future? Being a "valentine" is wonderful, but being partners in the long term is going to throw up questions and competing interests. Modern life is so freaking complicated!!!

Good luck to you in finding your way through the thicket!!!! I admire your courage! Hugs!

[Quarter life]

I can't ascertain whether it is you or your boyfriend who believes that the son was 'essentially at the root of ruining the marriage' either way it is NEVER a childs fault...not EVER. If your boyfriend believes this to be true, then I fear that he will continue to harbour resentment towards his son....That poor boy is in for a rough ride to adulthood imo.

[WishfulThinker66]

A few light bulbs and warning bells are going off for me here.

First of all, what on earth is he doing holidaying with his ex-wife? This just doesn't seem normal to me. It actually makes me uncomfortable reading this. He hasn't cut ties with her and most definitely has not prioritized your own relationship. Deal breaker.

If the drinking bothers you, deal breaker.

Sorry, but in any relationship with a single parent, the significant other is NOT a friend or mentor. They are a family. If you cannot parent these children, deal breaker. If you cannot agree on parenting style, deal breaker.

I recommend sorting out some expectations regarding this relationship before moving ahead with it. Someone is going to get hurt and trampled over and I think that someone is you.

Sit down together. It is a good opportunity to get closer anyway. Lay your expectations on the table. What kind of priority are you in the familial relationship? What is your relationship with the children to be? Under what circumstances are you considered a parent? Are you to be in the position to dictate rules, behavioural expectations, and hold the youngsters accountable and discipline them?

Ultimately what is your role with them?

Is your boyfriend a 'Disneyland' dad or does he lead a realistic life with the children? What I am getting at is does he treat the kids differently when he has them than he would if he had them full-time? This is really a key point here.

What ought to be happening is that the children be treated no differently than if they were with dad full time - this means no slacking of the rules and expectations, no showering with gifts and events. Life with dad should be as normal as possible - AND it should reflect his own life he has rebuilt for himself. This includes you. If you are a big part in his life that shouldn't stop when the kids arrive at the door. This is entirely disrespectful to you. Nope.

I apologise for making you feel bad but I honestly think these things need to be said and considered before things get too far.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by jagette12

My concern now is really the parenting. He admitted that if he had had two of his daughters then he probably would have never gotten divorced. Given that his son was essentially at the root of ruining their marriage, I don't understand how he doesn't think it will have the same effect on his new relationship.

So he's harbouring resentment towards his son for his marriage not working out?
Certainly there will be kids with personalities that make parenting the biggest challenge of a person's life, but I don't know if 1 child holds such power over a mother/father relationship.
Which flags to me a wonderment of your bf pining away for the marriage that he no longer has and placing that relationship on a pedestal that it doesn't deserve.