[lonelynotalone]

Sorry this is long. Thank you to anyone who reads through.

I’m 25 years old and have never had sex. I am in my first relationship; we “dated” online for 2-3 years, until we met each other and ultimately my partner ended up moving to my country. We have now been in a physical relationship for almost a year. He lives with me, but we have not had sex.

I have never felt any sexual urge towards anything or anyone, whether it’s in attraction to a person, reading about sex, or seeing sex on TV — essentially, I have never been turned on. Most times than not, I view sex in disgust, and if anything I am reading or watching involves it, I find myself either tuning out or simply turning the TV off or skipping the page.

Before my partner came along, I just saw this “quirk” as something that obviously wasn’t very normal to society, but it was normal to me and I had no reason to try to figure out why I felt this way. Now that I am in a relationship, I have more than just myself to think about. Not only does my partner want sex for satisfaction, but he does want kids in the future and he wants them with me. I’ve never wanted kids in the past, but again that thought has slightly changed now that I am in a relationship; it’s not just my future that I have to consider anymore, it’s his as well. In the very least, I feel I have to figure out what’s behind my disgust in sex and lack of libido and general interest so that I can one day have kids if that’s where my life takes me.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had this slightly skewed and negative mindset towards sex. I used to try to tell my parents that they weren’t allowed to have sex. Of course they didn’t listen and as an adult now I didn’t expect they would. I ended up leaving school right before my sexual education began, and at the time I was glad, but as I have matured I’ve realised that I’ve missed out on a somewhat integral part of growing into a teenager and then adult.

This year, after discussing my sexual “issues” with my partner and my Doctor, I was recommended to a counsellor who specialised in sex and relationships. I saw them roughly 3 times on my own and 2 times with my partner. They recommended I learn about my own body, sexually, because it is not something I have ever done before. I refused and never bothered to do it, as I find the act repulsive. They suggested to me that I view the act from a scientific standpoint and consider that if I were to have kids someday, I need to know what’s going on down below and I need to be able to teach my daughter if I were to have one. Although I did try to see it this way, it didn’t work and ultimately I didn’t end up following through.

Another exercise was to try to be more affectionate towards my partner, as it is meant to create endorphins. I did manage to do this, but it never made me feel sexually aroused or even remotely like I wanted to try to jump my partners bones. I went on holiday not long after this exercise, and when I came back I decided that counselling wasn’t offering me much of anything and I was still as confused about sex and my sexuality as I was when I first went, so I stopped going.

I will mention that my partner and I have done some "foreplay", but I am always obviously very disgusted by it and my partner has mentioned that I act as if it is more of a chore to placate him and that I clearly don't enjoy it. I refuse to do most things, and with the few things I do I do them with a complete lack of interest and effort.

I know that I am attracted to men; I can feel attracted to them, find them handsome, cute, etc. I’ve never felt any kind of attraction towards women; I only look at women in envy most of the time. So, I know I am heterosexual. I don’t think I can be asexual and heterosexual at the same time, but what else can I be? Demi-sexual? Grey-asexual? I’ve done a lot of research and feel that the latter two could be a possibility, but I just don’t know for sure.

I could just simply not have much of a libido and may never do. I might simply be so petrified of sex that my brain has shut off any sort of sexual arousal that tries to come to the surface. I have been a sufferer of anxiety and depression since I was 15, and I sometimes wonder if this has played a part in how I feel about sex.

Basically, I suppose I’m just confused and don’t understand this part of myself.

My partner has been understanding to a point, but I can feel his frustration. He wants me to at least try things, he wants to see progress, but I suppose I’ve been quite stubborn and fearful at the same time, and I’m at a point where I either figure out what is happening to me and how I can fix it or lose someone I love because I cannot provide him with sexual satisfaction or the hope of children.

Please, if anyone has any advice I’d be really appreciative.

Originally Posted by lonelynotalone

I refused and never bothered to do it, as I find the act repulsive. They suggested to me that I view the act from a scientific standpoint and consider that if I were to have kids someday, I need to know what’s going on down below and I need to be able to teach my daughter if I were to have one. Although I did try to see it this way, it didn’t work and ultimately I didn’t end up following through.

I realize I probably am not going to be better than professional help but...

I think there might be a lot of pressure on you at this point that might not be helping.

First, is there a physical issue? I will just say I remember taking a hormone for an issue and I found my libido. Natural progesterone. It made me realize there could have been a slight hormone issue that wasn't really that noticeable until I took the natural progesterone. You can get that off amazon. Progesterone is what makes you horny.

Secondly, I think you have to make peace with this issue on your own. I am assuming you have never had an orgasm. I think once you do you might change your view. This is easily obtainable alone in the privacy of your bedroom. And typically might not involve penetration. But once you have it you will want another and see how a partner can make it even better.

Thirdly if it is an issue of being .... too tight or worrying about the pain... there are tools that you an easily buy on amazon to get used to the feeling. Vaginal dilators

All the things off amazon come in a plain brown package (not that I have ordered such things ) so there will be no embarrassment.

Is it your partner? I am sorry to say that even guys that I really liked were sometimes not great lovers and what should have been amazing was a chore.

Finally as recommended by people you do really have to master this. I say that because some common medical procedures will require some tinkering down there in very invasive ways. Such as a transvaginal ultrasound which IMHO is just horrible if you aren't... loose down there. As you get older there are more and more invasions down there on a near constant basis. Seriously.

I don't think you should despair or internalize this to you. When I was your age I think I felt much more concerned over the prospect than I do now. I have often wondered if there are changes to women's brains or hormones that change as you get older. One reason they talk about a woman's sexual prime being when they are older. Men's prime is when they are younger. There is no point rushing it. Just try a bit every day. If your partner can't handle it... maybe you need to let him go.

[scorpiosis37]

If you are asexual, that isn’t going to change. If the thought of sex grosses you out, that may not be something you can do anything about. If even touching yourself seems gross to you, you may have to decide whether it is something you just have to accept about yourself or whether you want to try pushing past it just once to see if you could learn to enjoy it. But if after giving it a shot, you don’t like it, then I wouldn’t force yourself again.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, lonelynotalone From what you worte, it sounds like you may be asexual. The only way to know fro sure is to talk to a doctor about this. There's nothing wrong with that; everyone is different and it's not like you can really do anything about it. I believe that even asexual people can still have romantic feelings - they just don't like sex. Unfortunately this may become a problem as far as your relationship is concerned. I think you need to seriously talk about this with your partner and see how it goes from there. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Blogwriter]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I realize I probably am not going to be better than professional help but...

I think there might be a lot of pressure on you at this point that might not be helping.

First, is there a physical issue? I will just say I remember taking a hormone for an issue and I found my libido. Natural progesterone. It made me realize there could have been a slight hormone issue that wasn't really that noticeable until I took the natural progesterone. You can get that off amazon. Progesterone is what makes you horny.

Secondly, I think you have to make peace with this issue on your own. I am assuming you have never had an orgasm. I think once you do you might change your view. This is easily obtainable alone in the privacy of your bedroom. And typically might not involve penetration. But once you have it you will want another and see how a partner can make it even better.

Thirdly if it is an issue of being .... too tight or worrying about the pain... there are tools that you an easily buy on amazon to get used to the feeling. Vaginal dilators

All the things off amazon come in a plain brown package (not that I have ordered such things ) so there will be no embarrassment.

Is it your partner? I am sorry to say that even guys that I really liked were sometimes not great lovers and what should have been amazing was a chore.

Finally as recommended by people you do really have to master this. I say that because some common medical procedures will require some tinkering down there in very invasive ways. Such as a transvaginal ultrasound which IMHO is just horrible if you aren't... loose down there. As you get older there are more and more invasions down there on a near constant basis. Seriously.

I don't think you should despair or internalize this to you. When I was your age I think I felt much more concerned over the prospect than I do now. I have often wondered if there are changes to women's brains or hormones that change as you get older. One reason they talk about a woman's sexual prime being when they are older. Men's prime is when they are younger. There is no point rushing it. Just try a bit every day. If your partner can't handle it... maybe you need to let him go.

Hi Lonelynotalone,

It is possible you are asexual. However, you might not have had the right kind of therapy. You might need psychotherapy because your problem has been around since childhood. You have tried different ways to overcome it, and I don't think faking it is going to work for you.

I agree with Emily Fox Seaton that you may have physical issues. However, I would address the emotional issues first. If you cannot overcome the disgust with sex, it does not bode well in your relationship with your partner. I wish you all the best.

[Open Eyes]

You mentioned you struggle with depression, are you on any medications for that? Often medications used to treat depression actually decrease one's interest or desires for sex.

You are a female correct? If so you may want to have your hormone levels checked. Often sexual desires come from our hormone levels. And even depression can come from hormonal imbalances too. I learned this by accident when I had to take a drug after having surgery for endometriosis that changed my hormones so I would not experience having my period. Well, unfortunately this drug decreased my estrogen levels so dramatically that I sunk into a completely debilitating depression. Then I had to get treatment to restore my hormone levels and that slowly brought me out of the severe depression.

So, my suggestion to you is to have blood work done to test your horomone levels. Also as I mentioned, some of the medications used to treat depression significantly reduce a person's sex drive.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You mentioned you struggle with depression, are you on any medications for that? Often medications used to treat depression actually decrease one's interest or desires for sex.

I didn't think of that but yes, definitely. I once took an SSRI type pill and I could definitely feel a difference.

[WishfulThinker66]

I agree with the points above - the first of my own thoughts being how medication may be affecting your libido.

But one thing I want to mention that comes to mind too is that of your level of self-esteem and self-worth. Could part of the problem be that you are not feeling deserving of such attention?

[Middlemarcher]

With respect to the posters above, I think that most people simply don’t understand what it’s like to feel that visceral sense of repulsion and disgust at sexual activity. It won’t be solved by increasing libido or self esteem or having an orgasm. (Frankly, in my experience, that only makes the issue worse / more complicated.)

You might try Googling Sexual Aversion Disorder and reading up on it. No judgment implied, that’s just how they classify / pathologize what you’re describing. They say it typically involves pretty intense cognitive therapy and exposure therapy to overcome, so you have to be willing to engage in sexual activities (within a structured, therapeutic framework). That’s up to you, of course.

You have my sympathy. I know what it’s like to want to make a relationship work, but be extremely averse to the idea and experience of sex.

[lonelynotalone]

Thank you @Emily Fox Seaton for responding. I believe that if the problem isn’t with my mind, then it must definitely be my hormones. I suppose they’re a little dormant and I will be looking into taking some tests in January to see if that’s correct or not. Maybe then, I can take steps to “find” my libido.

I don’t think I can know for sure if it’s my partner or not at the moment, until I know what’s happening with my mind/body. If it’s a hormone issue and I take Progesterone to essentially solve the issue and I still struggle to feel any sexual attraction, then I think I’d have to consider if it may be that my partner isn’t “doing it” for me. I hope that’s not the case, though.

You’ve given me a lot to think about, so thank you for your help!

Thank you @scorpiosis37 and @MickeyCheeky for your advice. I have thought that just going ahead and giving it one try will help me figure out if it’s something I want or don’t want, but the thought of even doing it once freaks me out so much. I’ve always had a bit of an avoidant personality, though I’ve worked hard to be less so recently. I just need to find it in me to possibly try it before I come to any conclusions.

I have spoken to my partner about how I feel, in fact he’s been aware of it before we even entered a relationship. He’s been very patient with me, though I think he’s at a point where he really wants me to try to make some progress. I hope I’m able to, but I can’t ever promise him or anyone else that it’ll happen.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Hi, @Open Eyes . I used to be on medication roughly 4-5 years ago and was only on it for a year. I don’t believe it’s had an affect on my lack of desire for sex, but I suppose I cannot rule it out either.

I am female, yes. I will definitely have some tests done to see if my hormone levels are abnormal or not. I’m a bit worried about it, but know that it could give me the answers I’ve been searching for and it needs to be done. Thank you for your advice!

Thanks @WishfulThinker66 for responding. I’ve not thought of it this way before. This could be a possibility. I’ve never been confident, and in the past I have often questioned my self-worth. But to be honest, ever since entering this relationship, I’ve felt much better about myself physically. My partner makes me feel like I matter and that I am beautiful. But there could be something lingering beneath the surface, and it’s definitely something I’ll think about!

Hello, @Middlemarcher . In a way, I’m glad someone is able to relate. It’s been hard to find people who can understand what I’m going through; I guess I sometimes expect to find people similar to myself, so that maybe they could help me understand all of this.

Thank you for the advice. I have never heard of Sexual Aversion Disorder, but I will be researching it. I think my councillor that I was seeing was trying to show me exposure therapy, but when I refused to engage in any sexual activity I guess that therapy became pointless. I’m not sure I can bring myself to try anything sexual, but logically I know that in doing so I could finally understand what’s happening.

I really appreciate the honesty and sympathy, thank you.