Flashback/trigger about wives' affair

My wife and I remarried after her affair. I am now going through flashbacks about the affair (13 years ago) -- finding a card about their relationship, a condom when I had a vasectomy, hotel receipt, denial about the affair (just friends). While separated and not yet divorced she had an emergency situation that needed hopital attention. I went to the hospital and after some pushing a nurse for her condition, she said ectopic pregnancy. Hurtful because I've had a vasectomy and the father must be her affair partner. She told the medical staff not to talk abou the situation and she denied the pregnacy. My mind is renumerating about the situlations. We're in couples therapy now but have not brought up these items that are causing me anxiety. Should all of those situlations be brought up in couples therapy or should I just deal with my own therapist and learn to move on?

What if you discuss with your individual therapist the pluses and minuses of bringing these items up in a couples session?

Why did you remarry?

All of those things sound horrendously hurtful. How they could not be an issue to be shared and resolved between you and your wife, I cannot imagine.

Hello RMStuckey,

I cannot imagine how a relationship can last with all these secrets. I am sorry you are going through this situation.

That is great advice!

Hello rmstuckeysr: I see this was your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. I hope you've found being here on PC to be of benefit.

It's been a few days since you posted this. Perhaps the situation has changed since then. I don't know as I have any particularly astute insight into how best to handle this situation in couples therapy. However, reading your post reminded me of this article, from Psych Central's archives:

Marriage Myth: Communication will Solve All Your Problems

You asked if all of the situations you mentioned should be brought up in couples therapy or if you should deal with them with your own therapist & learn to move on. From my perspective, these are not mutually exclusive options. You & your wife may or may not be able to, or want to, deal with all of these issues in couples therapy (as the article above discusses.) However, either way, it would be my perspecitve that you also will need to deal with what occurred individually with your own therapist & you will also need to learn to move on. I don't find it at all unusual that you're experiencing flashbacks regarding things that happened 13 years ago. These are memories that will likely be with you permanently. (I'm 70 years old. And I still grapple with things that occurred 40 or 50 years ago.) The key is to learn ways to allow those difficult memories to arise & fade at their own pace. Here are links to 3 articles that talk about how to let go of past hurts, let go of stuck thoughts, & how to sit with painful emotions:

Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On

9 Ways to Let Go of Stuck Thoughts

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

My best wishes to both you & your wife.

You’re an extremely forgiving person if you remarried her after all of that. What’s your self esteem like in general? You just sound like you deserve so much more!

Did your wife give permission to the hospital nurse to share this info with you? If not, I’d say that nurse could and should be in major trouble. You were separated, nurse had no business to be telling you all this. Oh wait a minute your wife did ask staff not to tell others, and they still did. That nurse needs to face consequences.

You are finding cards and condoms 13 years later??? 13 years? Could it be new cards and new condoms? Who keeps the kind of stuff for years?

I’d say talk to your therapist first and see what she/he might suggest.

Good question. After four years of divorce she showed interest in me and understood what she had done. My faith led me to forgiveness and it has worked out. A few days ago I mentioned my flashbacks and was very direct about the ectopic pregnancy. She did admit to it. Became very sick but got through it after a couple of hours. I have other questions about the affair but don't think they would be helpful. I think about the actual acts that went on during the affair--pisses me off. What is most hurtful is that another person impregnated my wife. That should have only been me. A lot of work is ahead of me.

The nurse was the first person to come out of the ER, knew that I was her husband at the time and was not aware of the separation and the request to withhold information. Found cards, condoms, hotel receipts 13 years ago while married living in the same home. Were not separated at the time.

My self esteem has always been strong and do feel at times that I deserve more. People make mistakes in their lives and deserve forgiveness and understanding. Are in couples therapy and will see where things go. I do appreciate people responding to this.