abandonment issues

I’m having real problems with what I think are abandonment issues.
I get panicky, anxious, catastrophise at the thought of someone I care and love will stop loving me, leave me, prefer someone else, I constant fear that my wife will go off me, get fed up of living with me, leave me because of my snoring - if she goes away without me she'll realise she is happier without me and not come back, will decided that life is too stressful being married to me and want to leave to keep her own sanity - will go out with her girlfriends and realise she has more fun without me and resent being married to me. She'll realise that I'm not the man she fell in love with and "want the old John back" or any John, just not me anymore. That life hasn't turned out as she thought being married to me would be like, not as good, not as loving, and decide enough is enough and leave me. Or she will realise I'm boring and no fun to live with and she is much better being around people and that I'm stifling her, so will resent being married to me and want to leave. Generally she will realise she is better off without me and leave me.
If ever we argue or I upset her, even over the smallest thing, I go into panic mode and say or do anything to resolve the issue and prevent her from leaving me. I convince myself she will leave, even over the tiniest thing. Then I start imagining my life without her and it's always just me in a blank, empty room - whitewashed – with overwhelming feeling of isolation, then thoughts of suicide, if she goes there is no point, just confirms I'm not worth anything to anyone, can't make people happy, I ruin every relationship, everyone is better off without me.

Some history on what has brought this issue to the fore again :
I adore my sister in law. My wife and I looked after her and her younger brother from about when she was 11 through to 17 – not every day, probably 3-4 days a week including every weekend, from about 6 months after we got married. There were big problems in the family and they were being neglected and unsafe, so between us and other family we cared for them. I had always wanted a younger sister and I instantly took to the role of protective big brother. Over the years I kind of grew to see her almost as my own daughter/sister hybrid, and I suppose a part of me hoped she would reciprocate that. I’ll come back to this.
It’s now many years on, she’s grown into a lovely young woman who is loved by everyone.
The issue comes when she starts dating.
I’m convinced she will fall in love with some boy and stop caring about me, she'll have the male figure she wants in her life - the one she always wanted but never got - the whole package - and won't want or need me in her life anymore. I'll become redundant to her.
I get angry, resentful, why does she need some boy in her life to be happy? Why can’t she see that no one will ever love her or care for her as much, or have spent so many years looking out for her and trying to protect her from hurt. So I sabotage our relationship – I ignore her, be "off" with her, avoid talking to or being around her, I want her to feel the pain and upset that I do. I avoid hearing about what she's doing as I don't want to hear her expressing excitement at finding love outside the family. Any time I do it literally makes me have an anxiety attack. It makes me angry and hurt.
I tried explaining how I felt to my wife a little while back. She is very protective of her family, especially her little sister, so she doesn’t like there to be any issue. Her and her siblings are very close. Here I feel is part of the issue. I explained it like this: Imagine we adopted or fostered a child for many years. We loved her and treated her like she was our own, doted on her. Then when she was an adult, she turned to me and my wife and said, with a big excited look on her face “I want to find a new dad. I love you mum, I’ll never replace you, but I want to build a relationship with someone else that can be the man in my life. I’ve found someone I think will be great and I’d like you to meet him. What do you both think?”

Why do I do this?
Introversion - I've never liked being around people, I work better in quiet, calm scenarios - crave them almost - just want to be on my own to concentrate and achieve things. I like people, but in little chunks - I don't need company.
Upbringing - Do my parents have issues? Yes. I've probably inherited some of these, certainly been influenced by them. My mum brought me home every lunch from school until the age of 11 - yes, I'm shy, introverted, so this would have suited me. But maybe this made it worse, maybe I was already exhibiting abandonment issues (I remember getting lost in a shop when I guess I was 3 or 4 and getting extremely upset that my mum had walked off and left me) maybe I felt I needed that contact with my mother to reassure me. Has this compounded my introversion and shyness? Is that why I'm so clingy to people I love? In high school I made some friends who then ended up bullying me. I couldn’t face going back, so after a long process seeing psychiatrists and doctors I got home schooled, so I never associated with anyone my own age, barely anyone at all really. My family was also very emotionally closed off. We never talked about anything personal – I never had “the talk” until the day of my wedding when my dad told me “not to be selfish” – anything remotely intimate was made to seem dirty or wrong, but was never discussed further. I was also the youngest of 3 by 7 years, so I was too young to be interesting to my sister and brother, so I was left mostly on my own to play by myself. My dad was always at work or busy with other things, until me and my brother would get in a fight at which point he got involved and smacked me (despite my brother being 10 years older and him not getting any discipline.)
My ex-girlfriend - She was the girl I grew up with a huge crush on that I became a "knight in shining armour to" - a real movie 'nerd gets the girl story' - and then she just dropped me. Before this, during the 8 weeks we actually were going out, I think there were instances where I would almost pick an argument with her on a regular basis - was this me testing the relationship? Seeing if she would leave me - if I could fix any argument I could think up? Why did she drop me? She said because I didn't talk to her enough, I couldn't comfort her after her operation. (about 4 weeks into going out she was diagnosed with cancer) That's who I am, who I have always been. Is that why I panic so much when my wife complains I don't talk enough and she feels lonely when she's with me? My ex-girlfriend left me because of that, does that mean my wife will one day too?
But then my ex-girlfriend had already started talking to her next boyfriend while we were going out and she married him only 6-8 months later. Was the lack of my talking an excuse? If it was, what was the real reason? Was she just testing me, and I failed? Will my wife do the same? Am I constantly doubting and questioning everything because I think one thing I say or do, or don't, will cause my wife to leave me? I get so scared of upsetting her and her leaving me. Is that why I like to talk to my wife every day when I’m at work? So she won't get comfortable without regular contact with me?

What do I think will happen?
Ultimately I think my wife will leave me. I will do, or not do, something that will make her leave me. I will mess up somehow, and she will hate me and resent me and I will have wasted her life spending it with me.
All this stuff with her younger sister causes her loads of stress, plus I have said things to her sister and other family in the past that have really upset them. This creates loads of stress for my wife and she has said it can’t happen again. I take that to mean she will leave me.
The obvious answer is to do something intentional to make her leave me. That way I limit the damage to her as I'm in control of it, and can ensure things are as easy for her in advance. Also, I won't be left with personal hate and regret and doing something unintentional to hurt her as that would kill me. Then, both these scenarios ultimately lead to suicide. I've already made all the plans necessary, so it sort of comes down to game of Russian roulette - will it be intentional or a mistake?
I always fear one day my wife will realise she made a terrible mistake marrying me and just leave, that it will just be me being me that will prove too much for her to live with anymore. Conversely, there is an element of commitment that gives me some security. She chose to be with me, she has stayed with me all this time regardless of me being me. She chose to love me. But there is always the worry that all my crap will pile up so much that she just won't be able to cope with it anymore. Similarly, that is what I always told myself (and others told me) was the reason my ex-girlfriend left me. She couldn't cope with the changes she had in her life, turning it around, me and then cancer, so something had to go. Do I fear that because she did that my wife will too?

With my sister in law, other than my wife, she's the only person that I have really hoped has grown to love me. I like my friends, I care for my family, but friends come and go and family you are stuck with and somewhat obliged to care about. My sister in law, I always hoped to be a big brother to her, the kind she would be proud of and feel safe knowing I'd always fight her corner or beat up someone for her. Because she doesn't have a dad and her mum had a breakdown and didn't bother with her for so many years, I felt my wife and I sort of took all those roles on. Obviously I knew she loved my wife - she was her protective big sister, but I wanted to be the big brother equivalent of that. My wife chose to spend her life with me, my sister in law didn't get a choice, I was just there, so I had to earn her love based solely on my being me. Now my mother in law is making more effort they spend more time with them and it feels like we've served our purpose as a filler but now the real parent is back we've been discarded. My wife will always have a very strong relationship with her, so I feel I have been rejected more than she has, she serves more purpose still. And then when a boy is brought into the scene too that man figure she can be proud of and feel safe around is taken by him too. I think it reminds me of the feeling I had when my ex-girlfriend said she didn't need me anymore, she had her family and her friends and didn't need me. Then she got her new boyfriend and she had everything she needed. Same with my sister in law, she's got her family, she's got her mum back and now she's got a boyfriend, she doesn't want or need me anymore.

I think between my wife and my sister in law I'm covering the extents of my behaviour. With my wife, I'm clingy, needy and paranoid that she'll go off me and leave me, or I'll do something to make her leave me, so I'll do what I can to suit her so she'll stay with me. My world would fall apart without her.
With my sister in law, I'm sabotaging our relationship to make her not like me, so I'll not like her anymore so I won't feel hurt by her wanting relationships with her mum, friends and a boyfriend.
With my wife, I'm being passive, with my sister in law I'm being destructive.

The question is though – what do I do?

If I continue to push my sister in law away I stand the risk that it will stop her wanting to come over to see my wife, which will upset her, she’ll blame me, then what, will she leave me?
If I tell my sister in law how I feel, she might feel guilt over it, stop seeing her boyfriend, be miserable, my wife will blame me etc.
If I just suck it up and pretend everything is ok, I should make everyone happy. But it doesn’t fix my heart that feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest. What if I can’t pretend it’s ok? Why do I have to suffer so others can be happy?
There is of course a fourth option which I came very close to once before. This fixes pretty much everything, but I really feel guilt about the short term pain it would cause my wife. In the long run I know she’d be ok, but I do worry about the initial toll it may take on her.

Inyourhonor,

I can definitely tell you have severe abandonment issues. It has led you to destroy relationships. You are also caught between your wife and your sister-in-law. I don't think you should tell your sister-in-law how you feel about her. Please see a therapist ASAP. You may also need to see a psychiatrist in the near future for depression medication. You talked about pessimism and feeling hopeless. These indicate depression. You seem to need both medication and therapy.

Hello inyourhonor: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. I don't think there is much of anything specific I can offer with regard to what you are dealing with. As has already been suggested, I think the thing to do may be to work through all of this with the help of a skilled mental health therapist or psychologist. You have a lot going on here & it's going to take time & work to sort through all of it. Hopefully coming here of PC can be of help as well. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, I just came across that perhaps may be of interest:

3 Stress-Busting Tips to Free Your Mind

thanks for the comments.

So I had some therapy (CBT) a couple of years back and have also been on medication prescribed by a psychiatrist since.
The therapy started out well and I definitely saw some benefits. However, as we went into these 2 specific relationships the therapist started suggesting that I wasn't being caring enough for my wife's feelings and that maybe I wanted a physical relationship with my sister in law. I didn't go back after that session as it just proved that nobody gets what I feel. I spiralled downwards from there until I reached a day where I had everything planned and accounted for so that my wife would be cared for and notified in a safe and caring manner of my suicide and would be provided for in the future. Obviously I didn't go through with it in the end and I just carried on pretending things were ok. As so often happens day by day, little by little, things get a little better. But, the problems that are at the root don’t go away, so I’m back in the same situation not knowing what to do.
My health insurance deemed my depression as chronic and will therefore not cover any more therapy and my psychiatrist has retired, I can’t afford to pay for more therapy and the waiting list for public help is 8 months.

Hi InYourHonor,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation with getting therapy. Eight months is a long time when dealing with a situation like yours. Are you able to talk with your psychiatrist when you get medication management? Some psychologists will listen if you have something to discuss. I suggest you get on the waiting list if you haven't done so already. Another thing that may help is to find a free depression support group. Meanwhile, I suggest you set some firm boundaries in your relationship with your sister-in-law. For example, you may decide not to spend a lot of time alone with her or limit the amount of time you spend with her. You may also want to consider spending more time with your wife so you can be closer relationship-wise.

Great - someone else who thinks I want to have a romantic relationship with my sister in law
To be clear - I do not want a romantic relationship with my sister in law. I am not physically attracted to her. I love her as a daughter/sister. I only have and want a romantic relationship with my wife whom I adore and love above all others.
Why is it as soon as you say you love someone in your extended family it has to be automatically assumed you want to have sex with them?
As I clearly stated in my initial post:
"I had always wanted a younger sister and I instantly took to the role of protective big brother. Over the years I kind of grew to see her almost as my own daughter/sister hybrid, and I suppose a part of me hoped she would reciprocate that."
My wife and I can't have kids - I doubt you know what that is like - but I can tell you it hurts like hell. So if you have always wanted a daughter and are told you can never have one, you will look for a way to fill that hole, and as my sister in law was already somewhat in that role I think it is understandable that my heart latched onto that paternal love for her and made her a surrogate.
I can't tell you how many times my wife and I have cried together over the fact we will never have a family of our own. If things had been different with her family we might have been able to and I wouldn't be in this situation now. But as it was, we put our lives on hold to care for children that didn't have parents that cared for them. We did the decent thing and tried to give them a semblance of a family that loved and cared for them. And now, because I can't deal with the loss of my unborn children, the loss I feel from the person I loved as if she were my own daughter, the screwed up childhood and relationships I've experienced throughout my life, the screwed up brain I have and can't understand, I'm accused of not loving my wife enough and wanting a sexual relationship with my sister in law.
Thanks - really glad I came here for advice.

PS. my psychiatrist is retired, you evidently missed that as well.