[Icedgem]

I post recently that my partner needed space.

He has now said I feels he's depressed and he can't have a relationship with me.

I'm so confused. He says he loves me more than anything but needs to be on his own for many reasons.

Says he's truly sorry from the bottom of his heart and just wants me to be happy.

I've suffered with depression and I pushed all the important people out of my life at such a crucial point when I needed them the most. I regret how I acted.

I'm so lost. I want him to know that I know exactly what he's going through as I've been there too.

Any advice how to reach out

[divine1966]

I am so sorry. But I wouldn’t reach out. Most of the time “I need space”” I need to figure things out” “I am too depressed””I need to be on my own for now” are code words for “I am breaking up with you in a subtle sneaky way”.

Also many relationship don’t need to continue even if the person or both people have love in their hearts. So it’s not unusual to end a relationship that still has feelings for each other

Grieve and move on with your life. Don’t attempt to reach out. Do you have support system to deal with break up? Therapist?

[Icedgem]

Thanks for the reply. What do you mean a sneaky way?

Hello IcedGem, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this painful transition in your life. The end of a relationship can be very tough with feelings of loss, confusion, and sadness. I think it would be beneficial for you to take your former partner's words at face value. He said he needed to end the relationship and be alone for several reasons. I recommend that you take that comment as is, without questioning it or trying to change it. Whether he is depressed or not is for him to deal with in his own way as a single person now that he has decided to move on. I do not perceive anything "sneaky" about his statement as was suggested by someone else.

I recommend that you bring your thoughts and attention back to yourself. What do you need for yourself now? Are you dedicating time to self-care as you go through this painful transition? I think you need time to grieve the loss of this relationship and the loss of the future hopes and dreams you had with your partner. I do not think that trying to change your former partner's mind about the relationship would be the path to peace or happiness for you.

I am not negating your pain and confusion. It is a very painful situation when a relationship ends and I think you need to find a way to accept your partner's decision. Does that make sense? If you find the acceptance to be really difficult, I recommend talking with an experienced therapist. He/she could listen to your pain and confusion and help you to develop coping strategies while also being a source of comfort and support. I found therapy really valuable and comforting after an important relationship in my life ended.

You have my support. Try to remember that all feelings are temporary. You will not feel lost forever. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. You deserve unconditional love and a happy relationship...the fact that this one has ended only means that this is not the long-term relationship for you...it does not mean that you won't find lasting love in the future.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

Thanks for the reply. What do you mean a sneaky way?

Instead of directly saying it, person tries to soften the blow by giving round about reason, which unnecessary gives other person hope. Instead of saying “I am sorry but our relationship is over” they say other things that are just too confusing and open ended like “I am too depressed” could mean we will get back together when I get right meds etc. it gives false hopes.

First and foremost, I'm very sorry for your pain and confusion.

What doesn't make sense is when he says he loves you from the bottom of his heart, but cannot be with you. If someone loves you with all their heart, why would they want to break up then?

Now it is possible that he's pushing you away because he doesn't want to bring you down with him through his depression, or it's like Divine suggests and it may be his way of letting you down easy.

I tend to think along the lines of Divine's thoughts that perhaps he's trying to let you down easy. Then again, I cannot fully say because I am not in his head nor do I know him or your relationship.

I wouldn't reach out, either way. He's broken up with you, he has his reasons, whatever they may be, and it's better to try and accept that and work through it rather than push him or try to hold onto the relationship.

Again, I'm very sorry. I hope you have a support system around you that can help you through this, and perhaps a therapist as well. My own therapist has been a huge help through breakups, along with friends and PC. ((((((Hugs)))))

[divine1966]

There could be ton of reasons to break up with someone you love/or even somebody who might be the best person out there. Long list of reasons. Doesn’t even have to be anything bad about other person.

Long distance (work obligations and family situations like kids or elderly parents doesn’t allow much opportunity for seeing each other, visitation time with kids doesn’t match)

Neither person can move to be with the other (custody arrangements for example do not allow for a move at all)

Current life situation simply doesn’t allow time for a relationship at the moment as other things take priority (young kids, elderly parents who require 24/7 care, working full time and attending graduate school full time while being a care giver to dying parent and young children)

The person is great and you love them deerly but they have an addiction that they have hard time beating and you plan on having kids, obviously won’t with an addict

I can keep going. None of those situations might apply to OP but I am just saying just because you love someone it doesn’t mean you need to stay together

[Iloivar]

Since reaching out is still a possibility you might be considering, I would do it only as an offering to help in anyway you can, and that you'll be here for him if he needs, friend or otherwise.. that's what i'd say anyways

Obviously tweak it to suit how you most accurately feel.

But then leave it be. The point is to not use persuasive language and just let him know you're available . At least then he'll know has a support system in you. I'd assume he already knows, but personally I think it means more that you've shown him that, and said it.

Or.. you could ask for an explanation. Tell him you're confused and just want to know whats going on in an attempt that his explanation will provide clarification for your confusement and some relief for your pain.

However, this could backfire. First of all, he might not even want to. If he did, he would have told you from the start. Yet even an explanation does not gaurentee a better result for you. Especially if he's dead set in his ways while you're thinking you can change his mind. Of course, you could. But it's definitely a risk taking this route.

Also, if you do decide to do either of these things. I wouldn't suggest saying you know how he feels. While on the outside it may seem like he's taking the same course of actions as you did when you were depressed, it's likely he doesn't process the pain in the exact same way you did, and perhaps has different reasons for doing what he did.

[Icedgem]

Thanks everyone.

The way I see it is if he's got flu I'll be there, if he broke his leg I'd be there so I'm damn straight going to be there through his depression.

I have offered support and said he can speak to me whenever he feels ready.

I'm going to leave it as that

[Bill3]

How long are you willing to wait?

[Icedgem]

Originally Posted by Bill3

How long are you willing to wait?

Sorry I should have given more details when originally posting.

In the last week he was saying how he wants us to be happy together and we need to work through any of our issues. We've made a lot of plans, holidays living together children and marriage.

He comes over and we talk about his operation he's having soon, about getting there and after care etc.
He very very stressed with work. It's an enormous strain. He's got a very important meeting next week with directors etc, they have it every 6 months and he's had to do load of preparation and it's a hard time for him.

He's having issues with his dad, they don't have a relationship and I know that breaks his heart.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I can feel his love for me, I know he does.

He's in a very bad place and I can't do much if he doesn't want me to.

I'm willing to wait for as long as I feel I need to. Obviously if I don't hear from him in a few weeks then I'll know that's it. But I guess I'm half expecting he to contact me after his meeting as that would have lifted

I don't know, I think I'm rambling

[divine1966]

Is this the same man your mom was apprehensive about? Could it be that as a parent she senses that there is no future with this man as he isn’t a good choice for you?

If a person doesn’t want a relationship with you it doesn’t matter why: is it a broken leg or depression or busy at work. You can’t force them be with you no matter how much you are there for them. You can keep in touch of course but I’d not waste time waiting. I think you can do better.

[sarahsweets]

It is not your job to pull him out of depression or wait for him..I mean you can but for how long?

[Icedgem]

I'm sorry, I'm just finding this so hard to accept

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

I'm sorry, I'm just finding this so hard to accept

I understand. It does take time

Originally Posted by Icedgem

I'm sorry, I'm just finding this so hard to accept

Of course. That's understandable Icedgem. What a tough thing to be going through! You have our support here on PC

If he let you go rather than go to counseling with you to work things out, that shows he is not willing to work on the relationship anymore. Reaching out would only make it more difficult for you to let go, when that is probably what is best for you.

[Alpha03]

I'm very sorry to hear this, hugs from me.

You should seek a doctor with your depression, which they may refer you to therapy etc.

Just move on, there is plenty of fish in the see and seek support of positive people.

[Icedgem]

Thanks so much for all the replies.

Depression is not a one size fits all and it impacts so many lives all in different ways.

We will need to see each other at some point as we have lots of things are each others houses and keys and all sorts.

I'm willing to wait until he reaches out, go and meet him and see how things are then. If he still says he needs his own time then I will know I've done all I can to try and at the point I will really have to walk away

Icedgem,

I had a partner who got depressed through his divorce. I was dating him while he was separated. He did a 180 on me just after the divorce finalized, and just after talking about my moving to where he lived so we could have more of a relationship. He wasn't ready and he bailed on me suddenly. Just like that. I know it's not the same situation, and we weren't talking marriage or children, but I was devastated because we were making plans and I thought everything was going great.

I cannot possibly interpret where your boyfriend is at, but it is possible he feels completely overwhelmed by everything he's going through and facing.

I think it's good to give him the space he asked for.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

I post recently that my partner needed space.

He has now said I feels he's depressed and he can't have a relationship with me.

I'm so confused. He says he loves me more than anything but needs to be on his own for many reasons.

Says he's truly sorry from the bottom of his heart and just wants me to be happy.

I've suffered with depression and I pushed all the important people out of my life at such a crucial point when I needed them the most. I regret how I acted.

I'm so lost. I want him to know that I know exactly what he's going through as I've been there too.

Any advice how to reach out

Best thing to do is let him go. Be his friend when he decided to reach out to you again.