How to talk to your parents about their failing partnership.

I love both my parents dearly, and they have both been very positive influences in my life.This year they have been together ~30 years and are both in their late 50's. They are not married but have been in a domestic partnership for about 28 years since my sister was born.

Today my Mum told me that she doesn't think she loves my Dad anymore 'I think I'm beginning to hate him' were her exact words. She also said that she doesn't think he ever cared for her and that he's never told her he loves her.

This was not exactly easy for me to hear but I had broached the subject because Dad mentioned to me that she was talking about leaving- something she has spoke about in the past. My Dad is not an emotional or particularly vocal man so I knew if he were mentioning it then he was concerned.

I didn't really know what to do or say and I don't want to make things worse between them. It's a weird thing to have your parents turn to you for support. I'm 23 but I still don't like the idea of role reversal. Listening to Mum's side I can understand exactly why she thinks and feels the things she does. And I have observed some of the stuff she was mentioning myself.

Dad didn't really say anything besides mentioning it in passing but I don't think he particularly wants her to leave. The issue is that I'm not sure if this stems from him actually caring about her or because it will upset his life and finances too much if she does.

My dad is not a cruel man or a heartless man and he's been a great father, but he does make things hard for my Mum sometimes, but my Mum is hard work sometimes and I can see why Dad gets frustrated with her. Granted he does not express this well. Dad does not like spending money, and because Mum spent much of her life caring for me and my sisters she has little money for herself which I found out today was a sore point, this also makes the decision to leave a difficult one for her. I've also noticed that whenever they talk to each other they both use accusatory and nasty tones. And their communication styles are very different. Mum will yell and scream if something is wrong which makes Dad clam up and leave the area. Completely missing the message that she's angry because he doesn't talk to her or give her any attention. Even today when I asked her about it she got angry because he'd spoken to me and not her about it, but in his defense my angry mother is not someone you want to talk to.

I don't know what to say to my Dad to make him understand and also not get defensive about my critique. I also know that Mum will get defensive herself and not make it easy for him to talk to her if by some miracle I manage to get the message through to him. They definitely need to communicate more in an open and un-judgemental manner if anything is going to get better. I find it hard though because I've inherited their lack of communication skills myself and emotional topics make me very uncomfortable. So when they talk to me about things I also find it easier to clam up and avoid the topic which is the last thing either of them need.

I also don't know if it's worth getting involved at all because if Mum's right and Dad has never loved her then I think that it'd be almost a good thing for them to split (even though this idea makes me very upset). Also if Mum does really hate him then it may already be too far gone, I don't think I can rectify 30 years of feeling uncared for.

Anyway any advice, thoughts, theories, comments?

tldr: how to make my parents communicate openly and non-judgmentally with each other about a loss of feeling for each other? Also how to ask my Dad if he ever actually loved my Mum without him getting defensive and me getting uncomfortable?

I don’t believe it’s appropriate for parents to involve their kids in marital/relationship problems. And i don’t believe it’s appropriate for kids to meddle in parents’ marriage.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, lilouise I think they need to decide for themselves what it's right to do at this point. They're adults, they can make their own decisions. I don't feel like it's a good thing to turn up to you for support. It's clearly putting too much pressure on you. I'd suggest to back up from this situation and tell them that you don't feel like you should be involved in this. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Sorry to say, but I disagree. I think that a healthy, open and honest relationship with your parents is a fair goal. If they can't work out their differences on their own and that negativity effects your life and your relationship with each of them, seeking a way to reduce that stress is healthy. Talking to a professional is recommended, at least to show your disappointment in their marriage and communication and to learn how to tell them "hey, your hostility effects my life, and I need you to get along or agree to disagree"

They should NOT involve you in their relationship. You cannot make them do anything, and if either one tries to draw you into their problems, you should respectfully say that you do not want to discuss it.

Also, I am sorry that your parents are struggling and that those stresses are in your life now. I think that as a child, working to help them sort through martial difficulties is a caring thought and could be more effective with the help of a professional.

Thanks for your opinions and I understand your objections in them involving me in their problems but I would much prefer they tell me what's going on than for it to be sprung upon me. Also as the main issue is that they cannot communicate with one another I don't think leaving them to sort it out among themselves will be at all beneficial to either of them or to anyone in my family. So I would therefore prefer to try and encourage them to bridge the communication gap somehow. If they decide they don't want to be together that's their choice but this in between limbo and repressed emotion is helping no one and affecting both their happiness.

My question pertains to where and why you are in this familial relationship? My gut is to ask why are you in the home to begin with? You should not be part of this and, quite frankly, you should not be a part of their relationship to begin with. You should be on your own and their business ought to be their business alone. I think this is a terribly unfair position to put you in. A parent ought not to be using a child as a confidant. Were you to be on your own the relationship(s) you have with your parents I am sure would be healthier.

I'm afraid you are going to have to draw the line with your mom and firmly inform her you will not be brought into the problem in such manner. You need to put your foot down and tell her you won't be a part of this.

Personally I would not turn to your father. You need to refuse to get into the middle of this no matter how strongly you feel the urge to do so. This is between them. This is also their problem to resolve and choice to make. As I have said you should not take sides. But equally as important is you should not be involved in trying to prevent it. What happens happens and you need to be supportive of them once all is said and done.

Excellent post wishful thinker

Hi lilouise, welcome to Psych Central and the forums. This site can be very helpful when people have challenges and simply don't know what to do.

I quoted what you wrote above because the way your parents have put you in the middle of THEIR relationship problems means they need professional help. You are right, you do not have the knowledge or training or life skills to act as a marriage counselor. The things your mother is saying to you are things she should be discussing with a therapist.

You are the child here, you want to just love both your parents and you are still very young. What you need to do is get "both" your parents together and sit them down and tell them that you can see they are struggling with their relationship right now and they tend to come to you to vent their frustrations and you love them both but you are NOT qualified to counsel them with THEIR relationship problems. That is the TRUE answer to all your questions about this challenge you are having with your parents.

Your parents go to a dentist when they have dental problems, they go to a doctor when they do not feel well, it's not your job to know how to fix their teeth or be their doctor because you are not trained to perform those skills, so the same is true for helping them with their relationship problems.

If you had two friends that were turning to you to ****** about each other and ask your advice what would you do? I look at this similarly. You are incapable of being objective-no matter what you say. You are not expected to be. Your life doesnt need to be thrown into chaos just because they are having problems. And its a little more unfair than having two friends drag you in the middle. These people helped form the kind of human you are. They have profoundly influenced the person you are today. its like pulling the rug out from under you and its totally inappropriate. You cant pick sides and shouldnt have to. Tell them both to talk to each other and not to you. Repeat yourself everytime one of them tries to talk to you about the other. Walk into another room. Go out, or go home if you live somewhere else. Sound like a broken record if you have to. its not your job to give this thing a patch job. As much as you love and know your parents you only know them as parents. You have no idea how they are romantically and behind closed doors.

I was about to reply in the same manner but came across yours first. I agree completely.

I don't think it's appropriate but appealing to the OP, I would say for your own sake it's a giant can of worms to get involved and try to take on the role of counselor to your parents. It's not only already a complicated situation to have to counsel married people even as a third party but add to that that they are your parents therefore you will have a bias of some sort or many on both sides and it won't be effective, your emotional stake here is too much to be an objective adviser. The other thing is even if you were capable of being objective and entirely unbiased in the situation it won't seem that way to the party that seems to be more criticized than the other and mind you one parent/side WILL appear to be more criticized. it's inevitable. You risk alienating yourself from one or even both parents by getting involved tbh.