[Abyssanctum]

Hej,

I don't know where to post (I'm a little lost here) but think that here is the best place for my questions. I need help for my relationship, especially because of me. For several months I've been afraid that my boyfriend will abandon me: it's recurrent. Every day in my head I think to myself « He will abandon you if you're empty » or « He hates you » ; « He is talking to someone else » ; « I don't deserve him » etc. I love him and he loves me, I know! He is very adorable with me and he helps me a lot, but I'm constantly scared. Sometimes I get bad at him, in this way he doesn't go anywhere: I scream, I tell him he doesn't think about me, that I hurt myself... Sometimes he doesn't sleep because of me, I feel like a monster! Every day I am empty and I feel very bad: during these moments of emptiness I get cold, untouchable. An empty shell that feels nothing, n o t h i n g. I need a lot of time (sometimes several hours) to get out of this emptiness. And I don't know how my boyfriend can help me? That's ”new” and surprising for the two of us. We need help, I'll do everything for us!

And now « the others »...
I honestly don't know where to start. Several years ago, I had many friend. When I was thirteen years old everyone liked me lol, it makes me shiver. I played on many platforms, everything was fine. A year later my former ”best friend” blamed me for a lot of things. A. Lot. Of. Things. I was going through some hard time in my life: I saw a psychologist because in middle school I was bullied. I was out of school for a year, by the way. Very difficult time. And this girl destroyed me. « If you don't talk about your problems you don't have problems » ; « you're lying » ; « you don't see a psychologist you're a liar » ; « (she) I don't lie, you don't even care about my problems! / I'm not well, you're very well » etc. She lied a lot, put me down too much... I did some bad things with boys and she never stopped me. I had problems with my ”father”, I hoped to die. She came back a few months later to continue to blame me haha. Now she's not here, fortunately! And now? Now I'm alone with my boyfriend and maybe a friend. This situation suits me, but sometimes I am sad because everyone hates me. I've changed. When I talk to someone, it's either: to crisis and ask for help or to manipulate and get informations from others. Strangers trust me, even if I yelled at them a few weeks before. I don't want friends, I just want information about them and use them one day – not in a good way.
On the other way people scare me. I'm afraid to post on the forums if my boyfriend isn't there, afraid of people in general: « They hate me » ; « They want to hurt me » ; « I disgust them »...

Anyway. I'm really tired. It feels good to write. Thanks.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Abyssanctum

Hej,
, but sometimes I am sad because everyone hates me. I've changed. When I talk to someone, it's either: to crisis and ask for help or to manipulate and get informations from others. Strangers trust me, even if I yelled at them a few weeks before. I don't want friends, I just want information about them and use them one day – not in a good way.
On the other way people scare me. I'm afraid to post on the forums if my boyfriend isn't there, afraid of people in general: « They hate me » ; « They want to hurt me » ; « I disgust them »...

Anyway. I'm really tired. It feels good to write. Thanks.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Abyssanctum

Hej,

I don't know where to post (I'm a little lost here) but think that here is the best place for my questions. I need help for my relationship, especially because of me. For several months I've been afraid that my boyfriend will abandon me: it's recurrent. Every day in my head I think to myself « He will abandon you if you're empty » or « He hates you » ; « He is talking to someone else » ; « I don't deserve him » etc. I love him and he loves me, I know! He is very adorable with me and he helps me a lot, but I'm constantly scared. Sometimes I get bad at him, in this way he doesn't go anywhere: I scream, I tell him he doesn't think about me, that I hurt myself... Sometimes he doesn't sleep because of me, I feel like a monster! Every day I am empty and I feel very bad: during these moments of emptiness I get cold, untouchable. An empty shell that feels nothing, n o t h i n g. I need a lot of time (sometimes several hours) to get out of this emptiness. And I don't know how my boyfriend can help me? That's ”new” and surprising for the two of us. We need help, I'll do everything for us!

Are you seeing a doctor or therapist now? Are you on any medication? I cant armchair diagnose you but it sounds like you have some abandonment issues. I do not know what growing up for you was like but I used to have this issue although it was a short lived period of time because I got right into counseling. Like a textbook case it had to do with my father, divorce, inconsistent behavior, him standing me up for visitation, abuse (physical, emotional and *other). My mom went back and forth with him twice so it was a guessing game in my house whether they were going to be getting along an together or my dad was going to be in one of his moods and split. (he had undiagnosed Bipolar {old school manic depression} and abused drugs and alcohol) So I was constantly testing boyfriends. The saving grace was most of the testing was when I was in high school and I met my wonderful husband when I was 18 and we got married when I was 20. It was love at first sight; the kind that makes you want to puke its so sweet and I am very lucky to have been with him for 25 years. But in the very beginning with him even I tested the limits. "what crazy ***** can I do to see if he will leave me?" Short lived but not easy for this man. Then I got into therapy and learned to like myself.

You need therapy and possibly medication and you need to work hard and "do some homework" to gain some personal insight. Your BF probably needs therapy too because you have an unhealthy relationship that he tolerates.

[Abyssanctum]

Thanks healingme4me.

And sarahsweets thank you for your answer! Sorry for your family, by the way, but I'm glad you're better now.
I never thought our relationship was unhealthy, I admit it upsets my heart. My boyfriend also has « some abandonment issues » so he doesn't blame me for my behavior that he may have too. I don't see a doctor or therapist because I don't know if I need one: I have other problems (emotional problems, roller coaster motivation, I hurt myself a lot...) so I've been thinking about a psychologist recently. Nevertheless I am still dependent on my parents so it's a little complicated.

[Blogwriter]

Hi Abyss,

I hope both you and your boyfriend are going through therapy or going to a couple's support group. You sound like you have abandonment and therapy issues. I hope the psychologist can give you some ideas on working through your issues.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Abyssanctum It sounds like you're going through a lot. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. I feel like it's important for you to work on these issues. Maybe you could even try coulpe counselling if your boyfriend wants to; hopefully that will help you with your relationship. Please don't give up. You can do this! Sending many hugs to you

[Abyssanctum]

Why are you so cute here, you cheer me up a lot. I've been thinking about seeing a psychologist and I think I'll talk to my mother about it tomorrow. I wrote a letter because I can't say all this to her orally, I'm afraid she will abandon me or hate me. I am not the perfect son for her, am I? But my boyfriend says I have to think about my health and I think like him, I don't think I'm making the wrong choice. We talk a lot with my boyfriend and improve to reassure ourselves, it's still complicated, but we understand each other now!
I think my biggest problem is the contact with others because they hate me and I provoke them sometimes or I want information from them haha. I don't blame myself for that, I feel superior and it's great – except my love, he is so much better than me.

Edit : I said a lot of « I think » I'm really sorry.

[Abyssanctum]

I talked to a girl and I know her life, what she did to her friends, her lies... I was blaming her and I know everything about her in a few minutes. I scared her and I have no regrets. Am I a bad person? I have no empathy for that girl. Scaring her, hurting her, that was my goal. But she writes lies, I have the right to get angry at her!... (A lot of "her" lol)