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#1
Jun 19, 2018, 01:35 PM
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I had an affair with a married man. We have not seen each other in 6 months. it was very intense and I unexpectedly fell for him. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning but never expected it to be like this.
After my behavior of wanting to end the affair, not wanting to end it, to getting jealous and possessive he finally said his wife found out something and he had to lay low for awhile. I know he made up the story to end it with me. Even though he never officially ended it. He texted me daily when we were together, but as soon as he told me his wife found something, he started texting every two day, then down to three, then it just completely stopped. I tried contacting him after that and really didn't get much other than his wife was watching him. Recently I tried again by wishing him a happily holiday and all I got was thank you (no how are you? or anything) That right there is proof he NEVER wants to see me again and it hurts. I feel sad all over again, not as bad, but now I do KNOW it is over. It is sad to know that someone you thought felt something towards you no longer wants nothing to do with you. I KNOW he will never leave wife and never asked or expected him to. I just don't usually feel this way about guys and that's what hurts. Someone who told you that cared about you, someone who gave you attention, and someone you had amazing chemistry with and it just goes to nothing! He has no idea I felt like this, i always tried to hide it so I could keep seeing him. I would give anything to be with him just one more time. My life sucks on top of this, I am extremely lonely and my life is in complete shambles. I am extremely depressed today, I can't even believe how awful I feel. Last edited by DanceEngine7; Jun 19, 2018 at 02:27 PM. Reason: paragraphs |
 Anonymous55879, Anonymous57363, AspiringAuthor, earthlove, LeeeLeee, MickeyCheeky, Mopey
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#2
Jun 19, 2018, 02:18 PM
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I am sorry you are hurting. Have you looked for a therapist? It could really help you.
Also joining gym go to meetups take classes join groups and holding a busy job should be helpful too. Sometimes we feel lonely because we have too much free time so we try to fill it up with partners, even if they are bad . |
| CF17
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 DanceEngine7, earthlove
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#3
Jun 19, 2018, 04:03 PM
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hi DanceEngine,
You've written a lot about this man and have gotten some excellent feedback from many members of this site. I am curious though --- what were you expecting when you contacted him again? To pick things up again? For him to tell you he misses you and loves you? I don't think you have fully grasped the fact that this man is a liar and a cheater. He cheated on his wife with you, he discarded you after the affair needed to end and you had indicated as much, he moved on and went online to find others....... others to sneak around with. This man is NOT a good man, but I think you still hold him on some sort of pedestal, despite his cheating ways and behavior. How can a person be a good person if they are sleeping with one person, and telling another that they love them? His wife? This is not a genuine person. Loneliness can do that to a person...... make them miss someone, despite them being bad for them, and I think it's just loneliness on your part. Please do pursue therapy and other interests and fill your life up with things you enjoy. If you do, you will forget that this man ever existed. |
| AspiringAuthor, CF17, earthlove, LeeeLeee, ShadowGX
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#4
Jun 19, 2018, 05:15 PM
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That sounded harsh and cold, but you are absolutely right. Once in a while, the truth hurts. This is really important because hearing what we want to hear sometimes is not what will really help us to understand certain situations. Thank you |
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#5
Jun 19, 2018, 05:22 PM
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It is not meant to be harsh or cold at all. Just honesty.. perhaps I was a little blunt with my delivery, but I think the OP needs to hear this. The OP has been talking about this affair for many months and has circled back around to a similar place. I just personally would like to see her progress onward from the experience, learn from it and not be hurting over it anymore. |
| CF17
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#6
Jun 19, 2018, 10:45 PM
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Yes, by contacting him, I was looking to get back together. And I do think I placed him on a pedestal. I have a hard time with relationships and the way my life is at the moment I would have taken crumbs. I am extremely depressed at the moment. I was doing better with this whole thing a month or so ago. I was hardly thinking about him. then, not sure what happened, but I started up again.
I have no money, no support and no one to count on. I suffer from depression, anxiey, and at this point severe loneliness. |
| Anonymous40643, Mopey
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| Borderline69
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#7
Jun 20, 2018, 02:29 AM
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I’d try to focus on improving your mental health and financial situation. Being with this man isn’t going to fix your life. In fact being with any men isn’t goimg to fix it. If you don’t see a therapist, do you talk to your doctor re depression and anxiety? Taking meds? Perhaps need meds? I see you took yourself off meds. Not sure why. It clearly isn’t working |
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#8
Jun 20, 2018, 06:45 AM
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I am very sorry you are in a deeply depressed state again and slid backwards.  Perhaps it would help if you could identify for yourself the fact that you are very lonely and depressed, there's nothing wrong with that, but that these are the drivers motivating you to want to be with him again? Thing is, you need to see that going back to him is not going to solve the issues you face. Going to a therapist & getting on meds instead are two great steps that would help. Depression needs to be treated by (ideally) seeing a therapist and taking meds. To Divine's question, did you stop taking your meds? The other thing is, I don't know if you have taken any steps towards trying to improve your life situation? I think you could use some help with this. Many people here have made suggestions to help, but I don't know if you have pursued any of them? Can you try to take steps towards improving your life instead? |
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#9
Jun 20, 2018, 07:30 AM
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I'm sorry for what happened. I think it's better it ended this way - things could have become worse for you if it continued.
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#10
Jun 20, 2018, 07:31 AM
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Would it help you get over him if I posed the thought to you that because he’s a cheater, he simply broke up with you, and may be now cheating with someone new? I know how bad the hurt of rejection feels. I’m sorry you are hurting.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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#11
Jun 20, 2018, 07:44 AM
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Well, I also dated a couple of married men and did not know think I was too wise about it. I imagined how it would be to be their wife and thought it would be smarter to end such relationships ASAP. I did not know they were married until I figured them out. I felt bad about the situation. I fell for one of them too. I really thought he was single until he would disappear then reappear then disappear. I am not too bright but figured him out. All he wanted was sex. I cut him off and the last time he sent me a message saying that he was unhappy I was not interested in seeing him for sex anymore. What?!!!! I was disgusted with him and with myself. I started seeing other men until I was able to forget about him totally. He is still a contact on social media but I ignore him. I had other men who wanted affairs but I blocked them on social media before anything happened. I am happier now meeting men who are single and available. I believe married men who have affairs are liars. They never tell the truth as you have found out. Why would you be with such men who you can't trust? Having affairs with married men is not worth it. I don't know what you are seeking from men. However, married men are just that married and taken. If you are a mistress who is being supported by a married man, then, well, I can understand your dilemma about letting go. Besides this, what is the point of getting used as a piece of meat then thrown away like trash?
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#12
Jun 20, 2018, 09:48 AM
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I know you can't control who you fall for, but you can control who you invest your time and effort in and a married person is never the answer...it will never end well....sure in the end there is always the possibility that he will choose you over his wife, but that won't come easy to him and the wife may not let go and if they have kids....well then she will always be apart of the picture. I think this is for the best...feel the pain, learn from it and find someone who isnt married and who can give you the attention you desire without restrictions. |
| DanceEngine7, s4ndm4n2006
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#13
Jun 20, 2018, 10:33 AM
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Talking to therapists makes me feel worse and puts me even deeper into depression. |
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#14
Jun 20, 2018, 10:51 AM
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Would you look for a better paid job or perhaps take a second job? Having no money does make it difficult to have things in life you might enjoy. I understand that.
But there is more to life than secret sex with married men. It’s not like you had verity of experiences with him like traveling or attending events or spending time with families. What you had with him couldn’t be emotionally satisfying long term. If you feel lonely, there are many things you can get done in life that would keep you less lonely and doesn’t cost you much or any money. Why don’t you join book club? It’s free. Meetup? Free groups like walking? Why not volunteer? There are many things to make you less lonely |
| s4ndm4n2006
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#15
Jun 20, 2018, 02:37 PM
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Sorry you got hurt in this relationship where you fell for this married man. Please know that rejection doesn't equate to "worthiness" on your part, especially with a man who cheats on his wife or girlfriend. More often than not the "cheating" is more about the cheater's ego and is often selfish on their part and they don't respect the wife, nor the woman they cheat with either. It's usually something "empty" within the cheater they just can't seem to fill and they end up USING others and then discarding them.
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| AspiringAuthor
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#16
Jun 28, 2018, 11:42 PM
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I think that is the hardest part for me, that I know it is because of how I acted. I have done plenty of things in my life I regret because I "blew up". I have broken things and people. So I feel guilty. I know it had to end sometime and would have ended sometime. I dreaded it. Sometimes I still can't believe it really happened. I was doing better and now I feel sad again. I am trying to keep busy |
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#17
Jun 29, 2018, 05:46 AM
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Endings are never easy or perfect. You knew it needed to end and said you couldn't do it anymore. Perhaps you regret the mean things you said? When we're hurt, we can say things we don't mean. Maybe instead you can try to learn from this experience so that next time you're in a relationship, you handle it differently? |
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#18
Jun 29, 2018, 06:44 AM
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I don’t see how ending it is your fault. He is a married man. You can’t expect it to go on forever. It’s not how it works. If you want someone who’d stick around you need to see single guys
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#19
Jan 02, 2019, 11:46 PM
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We recently started things up again. I won't go into how it happened.
But So far my head is on straight. We have only seen each other once. We talked. And I do feel better that I saw him. |
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#20
Jan 03, 2019, 12:32 AM
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I think what is bothering you the most is the humiliation - back when you wished him happy holidays and he only said "thank you", you probably felt humiliated. Your relationship with him is not genuine love, so it is not a safe place to expose vulnerabilities, to be sincere and "open-hearted". If you cannot deal with repairing your life AND calling it quits with him at once, and with depression too (no, antidepressants aren't addictive - benzo drugs are addictive, so you probably aren't reading authoritative sources online), make a plan to end it one day - later - on your own terms, and get your ducks in a row in the meantime, using the excellent advice about combatting loneliness you have received so far (and, I take it, on your other threads that I have not read). And until you have something else to fill the void, play it as a game with him - do not return his texts for a while, play hard to get, pretend to be much more independent than you really are, and the tables will turn. It is manipulative, but a fair game because he manipulates you. Hint at having other options in terms of men and it will be his jealousy triggered, not yours. All the while, though, prepare your exit and announce it as your decision - this way you won't feel humiliated. And after you announce it, delete his contact info altogether.
__________________
Bipolar I w/Psychotic features Zyprexa Zydis 5 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg Melatonin 10 mg Levoxyl 75 mcg (because I took Lithium in the past) past medications: Depakote, Lamictal, Lithium, Seroquel, Trazodone, Risperdal, Cogentin, Remerol, Prozac, Amitriptyline, Ambien, Lorazepam, Klonopin, Saphris, Trileptal, Clozapine and Clozapine+Wellbutrin, Topamax |
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#21
Jan 03, 2019, 06:44 AM
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You are going to face the same loneliness and depression that you had once it ends. You are treading on dangerous territory all over again.
Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jan 03, 2019 at 07:10 AM. |
| Molinit
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#22
Jan 03, 2019, 11:01 AM
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This will be harsh- and I do not mean it to be there is just no way around it. Op my apologies for your pain. I am always amazed when people in affairs are surprised when it ends, or the married person had lied about being single, or that they need to leave the other person or that they were caught. I am equally amazed when I hear " you cant control who you love" of " I fell for him/her, i didnt want to". Well, yes you did. Yes you do control who you love. You chose the affair. Even if its a situation where you didnt know they were married, once you find out you end it. Going into the situation as the other man or woman you know they are married and have no regard for the wife or husband. Even if you are told its a loveless marriage or they are planning divorce, you do not get involved. its quite selfish. People who get involved with married people are not horrible people, but they are selfish and they do have no regard for the family they are hurting. And if you do manage to get together who could you ever trust each other? If he would cheat on one wife he would cheat on another. If she would cheat with a married man at the very least the moral compass has been compromised to where you normalized cheating and infidelity. God forbid there are kids involved and that makes it worse. Because now you are not just taking the married person away from their spouse but their kids too. And if you do ever get together how will the kids ever look at you and forgive what you did to the married unsuspecting spouse? I just think it is too terrible of a thing. Now that is not to say there is no redemption. I'd be curious if this guys' wife really did find out of if that was an excuse to be fickle or he had another side piece. I mean how would you know. I hear storied where the other person is told they had been found out, resumed the relationship and felt so much guilt they couldnt stand it. Then out of the idea of making amends they talk to the spouse thinking they can make it right only to find out the spouse never knew to begin with. So, another pandoras box was opened. You do need therapy, both to get over your sadness but to examine these choices you have made. Examine them and eliminate them.
Again, I am not meaning to rail you and meant this more in a general way rather than some sort of direct attack on you.
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
| Buffy01, LeeeLeee
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| Buffy01, LeeeLeee
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#23
Jan 03, 2019, 02:15 PM
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What do you two do when you get together? Besides roll in a hay what else is there between you two? Common interests? Shared values? Do you actually go on dates? Like in public? Accompany each other to gatherings? If not then what’s this about? Sex? Secret sex? There are ton of single men who’d be happy to have casual sex no strings attached. It’s harder to find someone to commit but jusf for sex it’s easy. Why must he be married?
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#24
Jan 03, 2019, 05:58 PM
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Hi danceengine,
Some thoughts for you: what are you hoping to hear from us about this affair? And what are you hoping to accomplish by getting involved with him again? The community here at large has tried to help you to steer clear of this man and work on improving your life instead. Now I’m not pointing fingers because I’ve had very poor judgement with my own love life, but you are making very unhealthy decisions for yourself. This is a big step backwards in my opinion. It’s going to have to end again unless you want to ruin a marriage. There is no good outcome from this. You are only providing a temporary band aid for yourself from your own pain. This is not the solution to your problems or to your pain. You’ll need to eventually find a way to resolve your problems without the help of an affair with a married man. You could have gotten involved with a single man who wants sex, but instead you chose this man again. Perhaps you felt so rejected that you had to go back. I do not agree with the above advice about playing games with him just so you can end things on your own terms. I think you are heavily misguided and in a lot of pain. You are not thinking about the consequences, except for your own needs right now. Again this is not the correct solution. You’re going to have to solve your problems one day, but an affair with a married man will only cause more problems for you. Is that what you really want?? |
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#25
Jan 03, 2019, 07:33 PM
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Quote:
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| Closed Thread |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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