[canopy]

Hello,

my long-term partner and I have hit a road block while trying to plan our next vacation, and any input on this would be very appreciated. I’ve come to a point where I can’t see the forest for the trees anymore, and our relationship is almost constantly on the verge of completely breaking apart.

We have had massive amounts of disagreements over the past two years, after living together happily for 3 and knowing each other for over a decade. It came to the point that he broke up with me several times during aggressive fights and finally threw me out of our home, and yet he would tell people that I was the one who left him. In the end, I proposed getting separate flats, because I couldn’t take the constant threat of losing my home over and over again, even though it hurt like hell to even think about living separately because I love him. It took him less than a month to find a new place to live, while I moved in with my parents because I had just lost my job and was not mentally healthy enough to support myself.

It occurred to me very slowly that there was something wrong with my partner. I didn’t understand the constant fights he picked during those 2 years, I didn’t understand how he could be so „mean“ towards someone he said he loved more than anything. At first, I honestly thought he was just in a bad mood because he had trouble at his workplace. But taking everything out on me, suicide threats, not leaving the house anymore, watching TV the whole day - that woke me up. I didn’t understand, because for me depression was different, but I figured he was depressed and tried to be supportive. He refused to see a therapist. He said there was nothing wrong with him, that I was the problem, that I was ruining his life and that I should get therapy. He finally did see a therapist and came home and triumphantly told me: „She said you are the problem, I was right!“

Now he doesn’t see a therapist anymore, because he says he has no time because of work.

I feel like there are two versions of him out there. One loves me and wants to be happy with me, the other one resents me and thinks I’m just a lazy bum.

At the moment, we are trying to patch things together again. We both can’t imagine a future without the other, and his mood has been steadily improving for the past 2 months. But now he says he wants to go on holiday, and it’s brought up all the issues again.

I can’t really afford to go on holiday currently. My father helped me to get a tiny flat, and I still don’t have a job so I’m trying to survive on unemployed benefits. If I get a job now - which I don’t feel capable of doing - I wouldn’t be able to go on holiday with my partner anytime soon.

My partner says I’m being selfish because I can't afford a big vacation. I offered a compromise - a cheap, 5 day holiday somewhere close so he can at least get away from his job for a little bit and I will be able to afford it, but he won’t budge on his big vacation on a sunny island. I simply can’t pay for it and told him to just fly out there on his own for two weeks, but he won’t. He now is again saying he has no future with me because I can’t even go on holiday with him and he hates it. He really thinks I’m being the queen of selfishness because I didn’t think about his holiday plans when I got fired from my last workplace and I don’t know how to communicate with him.

And since this is bringing up all the „old“ issues again, he is pushing me away now and saying he doesn’t want to see me or even be with me, that I don’t deserve to be his partner after all I’ve done to him etc. Once, he confessed to me that when he does that, all he wants is to feel that I love him, but his view and his harsh words hurt me a lot so it is hard to get it across during times like this that he is indeed very loved.

Is there any way we can establish better communication? I am guessing he resents me now because I take his chance away to get away from work, but I am trying to find a compromise for him. And I would support him taking a vacation far away without me too. He says he is angry at me because I should work harder to to be able to afford a long expensive trip with him. He says I’m manipulating his chance at having a good life.

I do realise that the most sensible thing would be to just break up for good. But he is refusing to leave me. He says if I want to leave him I should do so, so that he is finally all alone and free to end his life - and I don’t actually want to leave him. It just feels like that is what he wants, because he keeps telling me that I ruin his life and don’t deserve him. It doesn’t sound like he actually wants to be with me. But then again, when the „old“ part of him is back and he seems more stable, he is shocked at the idea that I would think he does not want to be with me. In those times, he is a different person, doting on me, showering me with love and affection, supporting me and decisions I make, and just generally being the person I love so much. And thankfully, those times last longer than his angry/depressed phases.


Any thoughts?



[s4ndm4n2006]

He's being a selfish and spoiled, immature child if you ask me. First off anyone with common sense knows that going on a holiday/vacation while unemployed is quite irresponsible and likely unaffordable. You don't know how long it will be before you find a job why would you waste money on leisure if you're not sure where your bread and butter is coming from and for how long that will be? That's just wisdom. That's the first problem. he's calling you out as being selfish, when really his tantrums are the epitome of selfishness. He wants what he wants regardless of your needs, your wishes, your ideas.. heck anything it seems that you come up with and is not willing to compromise.

I say move on. Now that the proverbial honeymoon is over for you as a couple, his true colors are showing. He wants to pretend that he can ignore your situation of being unemployed and they just won't exist. Sort of a magical thinking type of situation here. He lives in a delusion that if he doesn't acknowledge it, maybe it will go away.

Everything he is doing now that you won't give in, is a manipulation which begs the question, how long has he been directing (put nicely) your life and your behavior? Because I have a hard time believing his controlling and manipulating ways have just cropped up now. Maybe you're just seeing it for what it is now?

Personally in your position, just say no. From a responsibility point of view, no to the vacation, you don't have the freedom with no job, very little money, and considering you're separate now, it's all on you now. Say no. NO islands, no compromise, you have better things to work on right now even if it's not a job tomorrow.

Sounds like you've been entwined with him so long that you didn't realize just how much freedom he took from you along the way.

Walk..away.. And welcome your new independence and freedom with open arms! find yourself, find your way, and the a guy that will treat you with respect and honor and support you will come along in good time.

[divine1966]

He sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to vacation with even if it was 100% paid. He sounds like someone you should run away from and fast.

You don’t need his permission to end it. Since you two don’t live together and have no kids, break up should be fast and easy. Then you can build a beautiful life without this loser. You can do it. Good luck

PS Him demanding you go on vacation while unemployed is absolutely insane.

[Open Eyes]

It's a red flag when someone blames you all the time for their issues. I also don't believe he went to see a therapist and was told his problems were all your fault either. He is clearly not interested in changing his poor behavior patterns. He is expecting you to live your life around "him" too, not healthy for you, not something you should have to live with, life is too short.

this is classic jekyl and hyde abusive behavior and character traits.. please leave him. you are being held hostage by his suicide threat. you deserve far better, please understand that this is classic abuse.

[canopy]

He is indeed acting like a child, but I don’t believe he is thinking rationally or even capable of rational thought. He gets completely lost in his head to a point where he says he is worthless, not deserving of good things, shouldn’t be allowed to live etc. I used to compare his angry outbursts to temper tantrums because that was what they seemed like to me, but it’s more than that. He doesn’t even „see“ me when he is in a mood. It’s like he is talking to a reflection of himself that he hates, not me. When I realised this, I was able to distance myself from the situation and actually able to realise that I can’t cope if I keep living with him.

Can you really say someone is being selfish when they are so depressed that they can’t function on their own, and don’t see a reason to live?

We’ve been together for over a decade basically. It’s not that the honeymoon phase is over just now. We used to be very happy with each other, in a healthy way. This just started a little less than 2 years ago. I know his true colors, and in these moods, he is not himself at all. His controlling/manipulative behaviour started when he got more depressed, but he seems to have no introspection or insight on this. For example, he doesn’t remember what he says to me when he is upset. I won’t go into detail here because it makes me cry to think about it, but afterwards when he is calmer and I ask him to please apologise for the hurtful things he usually refuses - after some probing, he confessed that he doesn’t actually remember what he says to me.

He didn’t lie about the therapist appointments. I’ve personally driven him there and talked to the therapist several times. I think she wasn’t a very good therapist. She did indeed tell him to break up with me and move on, because my „junky lifestyle“ was ruining him. She was the one who told him that I am just lazy, using him, and will never work for anything and will be content to live off his money as long as he enables me. I was furious with her - she didn’t know me, and what he told her about me wasn’t the truth. We split all expenses, for example, and at no point was I using him. 

It was very odd to realise that she does not see beyond the mask he was showing her. She told him he was not depressed. But not once did she ask him about the suicidal thoughts, his hatred of himself, his dysfunctional family, and he didn’t volunteer any information. He’d come home every week to tell me that he didn’t know what to do, she didn’t seem to care about the suicidal thoughts. He asked me to talk to her, because he couldn’t make himself be honest with her. But when I did, she told me I had BPD, that I was really manipulative and would do anything to ruin his life apparently, including meddling in his therapy. So I backed off, let her know that she was way overstepping her competence, and tried to find him another therapist. But by then, he didn’t see the point anymore. He went to several others (who all agreed that he was indeed clinically depressed and needed treatment ASAP), but then gave up.

I’m not staying because he is holding me captive with the suicide threats, but because I deeply care for him and want him to be okay again. If he gets better, we’ll see if we still want to be around each other. But I can’t just leave him like this. He has absolutely no support system, besides me.

Of course his vacation wish is insane. I just can’t seem to get that across. I won’t let myself be bullied into it. Just gotta figure out how to deal with it.

[sarahsweets]

Re-read what you wrote and take yourself out and replace it with a friend. What would you tell a friend to do? Would you encourage your friend to finder better ways to communicate or would you tell that friend to move on? If I helped my unemployed daughter get an apartment and she went on any sort of vacation with her unstable boyfriend I would never help her out again.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Can you really say someone is being selfish when they are so depressed that they can’t function on their own, and don’t see a reason to live?

Not necessarily but depression is in no way a cause for selfish attitude which he surely has. This based not on what you said here in the quote but his abusive, dismissive and even blaming behavior pointed at you.

The fact that his attitude is that it is his way or the highway kind of thing is selfish. The fact that he thinks your unemployment is not something ot be considered by him for whether or not an expensive vacation or one at all should be taken. The fact that he doesn't own up for pretty much any of his own behaviors is selfish.

Depression is separate from being someone that chooses to belittle others and command all situations. I highly doubt that this attitude is in any way tied to depression. or any MI for that matter.

[saidso]

You are so kidding! Expensive vacation when neither of you is securely in work? He is irresponsible and immature, and I'm happy that you aren't being sucked in by this. When you look back on this from a few years time and your own life is stable, you will congratulate yourself that you read the signals and separated.

If he's this childish about a holiday, just imagine what he would be like in the for better or worse circumstances of a long-term partnership - if either of you became ill for example.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, canopy I'm afraid I must agree with all the others. If he's truly depressed, I'm so sorry, but that's still not an excuse to behave the way he's behaving. He's being selfish and he doesn't seem to respect your opinion. You say that you want to help him, but please remember that you can only do so much to help. He's the one that has to get better and has to get through the hard work. The final decision is up to him, And you've already said that he refuses to get help and that he seems to blame it on you. I'd suggest to have a serious talk to him about this. Make him understand how much this is important for you. Make him undrstand that he needs to get help if he wants the relationship to get better. Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand you. If he still refuses to get help, I'm so sorry, but I think you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with him. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. You have to do what you feel like it's the best thing to do for yourself. Whathever you decide, we're here for you to support you. Stay strong, canopy. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this