Am I the worst girlfriend ever?

I feel like I never do anything right. He is the best and sweetest and smartest man I have ever had the pleasure of being with, and I have been with him for almost a year and a half, and I am so in love with him, but there is a big age gap (I am a lot younger than him), and I think there's a maturity gap that goes along with that, and even though I know he doesn't see it, I think I'm not good enough for him. I'm 20 and I don't really know how to do life or serious relationships yet...he's a very hard-working and intelligent 36 year old, and I think it's easy for me to feel inferior or like I am not doing enough.
Here is a list of things:
- he is often the one to regulate my emotions instead of me dealing with them on my own
- he spends money on me which he needs for him and his children
- I don't really get him 'real' gifts or know what to get him
- I wake him up all the time with my insomnia and he really needs his sleep because he gets up really early for work
- I make him feel bad about his sense of humor, which is sometimes making fun of me in a cute way, because I'm too sensitive
- I get more upset about his divorce ******** that he does, and I think that probably makes it harder for him to deal with, definitely not easier
- I can't take constructive criticism because I always think I've done something terrible that can't be forgiven
- I'm pretty sure I threw or gave away the feather he gave me for our six months, which was important to him, and I completely forgot that it was from him (what kind of person does that?)
- I don't really do what he asks, I always forget--I forget everything
- I literally don't even know how to clean or put things away, they'll just end up in new arbitrary places
- he always cooks for me, I'm not very good at it, and I think he should be able to relax when he gets home from work
- I am not very fun to be around
- I am not very smart; I don't really know what to do about anything ever. And I always make these really dumb mistakes that seems small and insignificant but are obvious to other people and I don't know how I miss those things or what to do about it.

I just think maybe I'm making his life worse more than better, even though he really loves me. I don't know what to do about that. Does anyone have any suggestions as far as changing these things about myself? I don't want to be like this. I want to be a better and more capable person.

No, I don't think that you are the worst girlfriend ever. However, I think it may be possible that you are not ready for a relationship yet. You could work on yourself first, and then after that, pursue a relationship. I think this is a matter of timing rather than any defect on your part. We all have our own issues to work on, and we could all use growing in some areas. But I think that it's important to set a milestone for yourself, and decide not to enter into a relationship until you reach that milestone.

'he is often the one to regulate my emotions instead of me dealing with them on my own'

This sounds like controlling behaviour, I'm really concerned that you are being gaslighted by this guy. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you and it is undermining your self esteem and sense of agency. You are not the one in the wrong.

How does he do this?

Are his children neglected? Does he neglect himself?

Gifts are material, love is what counts.

Do wake him up because you cant sleep? Or do you get up and go about your business?

What is too sensitive? I do not think making fun of someone is funny-ever.

The divorce will always be there. What are you upset about?

What does he "constructively" criticize you about? Do you welcome criticism? Is it really his job to critique you? Are you supposed to take his critical review and change?

I mean, its a feather. You didnt stomp on it and throw it in the garbage right? I could see myself losing a feather too.

Shouldnt you be able to relax? In relationships each person usually does what they are good at. If he is better then you at cooking then it makes sense to have him do it. If you do the cleanup I think its fair.

Nothing gets me fired up as much as something like this. NO you are not dumb. If you were dumb then this post would have been to difficult to write. You probably have great common sense. Someone who is dumb wouldnt think about being dumb. If anything you are saying this because somewhere along the way someone said you were dumb. Theyre wrong.

Why do you think you are making his life worse? Wouldnt he break up with you if that was the case?

I agree with sarahsweets. If you were so terrible for him, a smart man would notice that and break up with you.

I bet he has reasons for loving you.

What does he love about you?

From where I sit, if you care about whether or not you are the "worst girlfriend ever," then you most likely aren't. People who are truly awful don't care about their effect on others.

I relate to the feeling. I am disabled both physically and psychiatrically, and therefore I am unable to hold a paying job. My husband supports me, and he works so hard doing it. I often feel that I don't contribute anything worthwhile, and he'd be better off without me, but oh boy, is he quick to disagree with that if I were to say it. I'm sure your boyfriend finds more benefit to having you around than to being without you.

He loves you. You’ve listed everything about yourself that could bother him but do you know if these things do really bother him? You can try to make improvements on the areas where you think you are being problematic for him but unless he seems bothered why assume he is?

What is 36 year old finds in common with 20 year old? What do you two talk about?

[QUOTE=marie4567;6406015]

Hello Marie. Wow you are very tough on yourself!!! I am curious where those critical thoughts are coming from? Are they coming from your own mind or is your bf saying or suggesting some of those things to you? How were your parents growing up? Did they criticize you a lot? Were they supportive? We typically learn how to treat ourselves starting in childhood...based on how our parents treat us. Did these critical thoughts of yours start during your relationship with your bf or before? I think that's really important to think about.

You mentioned that you are 20 and he's 36. How do you feel about the large age-gap? I'm not moralizing here...I think it's up to consenting adults to decide if they're okay with an age gap or not. One thing I wanted to mention. When I was about your age, I was in a serious relationship with a guy 10 years older than me. It started out wonderfully and we fell in love but over time I realized that we had a power differential...it did not go well and I ended the relationship. I am NOT at all trying to imply that's what will happen in your relationship. I just think it's good to keep in the back of our minds that any major difference such as income (low income / high income) or age gap can lead to a power differential which can create problems.

Your post focused a lot on him and what's right for him. What about you? What do you need or want? You sound very unhappy with yourself...do i have that right? If you are open to it, I think you could really benefit from talking with an experienced therapist to focus on your self-esteem etc.

Please know that you are "good enough" whether in a relationship with this man, or someone else, or nobody at all. You are a precious being in the Universe. Your worth is intrinsic and not based on other people's opinions or feelings about you. Speaking from my own experience, I believe that happiness and love start with the Self. We must learn to be loving and patient with the Self. We can share our love and joy with others but we cannot look to others to create it for us...nor can we create love or joy for someone else. Does that make sense?

You deserve a great big safe

By the way, I am impressed by you. You sound like a very intelligent, thoughtful, and introspective 20 year old. The world is better with you here. Please go easy on yourself, will you? Take a look at Inner Child theory. It may be very helpful for you.

Marie, if you have a minute some time you might like to check out our 'Who would you like to honor?' thread in the Depression section. I think you may find it interesting

Thank you for sharing everything you've shared. I can certainly relate to your concerns. I was addicted to drugs and suffering from a handful of unmedicated mental illnesses, the combination of which was literally destroying my marriage. I quite possibly was the worst husband ever. Let me share with you what changed that.

For one, recognize your concerns as being valid, but try not to keep them to yourself. Once I realized that I could talk to my wife about anything, we were able to make huge steps in repairing what was broken. A lot of my worries, she wasn't even concerned with. In the same breath, however, there was a lot that I didn't notice that was affecting her. The only way I was able to see the blind spots and relieve some of the stress was through open communication. Think about it, this person is your mate. Even though it is hard sometimes you should be able to talk to each other about anything and everything. It will allow you to grow together and solve some issues at the same time.

He loves you. He has stuck with you through the bad. Imagine how good it will be when you get this stuff off of your chest and begin to work it out. Your days may not be perfect, but they certainly will be a lot better for your whole family.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, marie4567 Please don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely person to be around. However, it seems like you're struggling a lot with your self-esteem. I think you need to work on that. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. I believe there are also some good books on the subject. Perhaps you could try to check that out. Is your boyfriend supportive of you? Does he know how you feel about this? If he doesn't, I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. If he truly loves you, he will support you and try to help you with what you're going through. Please don't give up. You are just fine the way you are right now, it's just that you can't see it right now. But if you do get the help you need, I'm sure things will get better, although it will take time. You can do this! You're strong, I'm sure of that. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you