[Foo Fighter]

I'm back. My mom is one of those folks who likes to nag to get people to do things. She and my dad are pushing me to get a 401 K at work. I tried this but the setup but it is confusing. Also I checked my paycheck and it's tight. My mortgage eats up three quarters of it and they take out so much in deductions anyway that I'm considering it a miracle we have not had mortgage issues. I just don't feel comfortable at this point taking out another hundred when the mortgage is so high. I am planning on changing home insurance after tax season, then doing the retirement. Right now it's too tight for my liking. I know some people will think that is silly but my husband can only work part time, I'm doing full time and it's tight. I have tried talking them this but they think I'm making an excuse. I just want to make sure I can afford the damn house, not go broke having my paycheck decimated to nothing. She will not stop texting me and I'm sick of this. I don't live with my folks anymore and while they are trying to help, it's overbearing, especially with money. My mom is texting to the point where I'm thinking of blocking her on my phone. I don't want to lie either....that is wrong and it backfires but I want them to back off and stop nagging me about my finances. It's hard enough trying to keep enough money in the bank without their hovering. Is there a nice but firm way to tell your folks to stop interesting or nagging you about money? I understand helping and why it's important but the nagging has got to stop.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Foo Fighter

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I just don't feel comfortable at this point taking out another hundred when the mortgage is so high. I am planning on changing home insurance after tax season, then doing the retirement. Right now it's too tight for my liking.

my husband can only work part time, I'm doing full time and it's tight.

I just want to make sure I can afford the damn house, not go broke having my paycheck decimated to nothing.

I understand helping and why it's important but the nagging has got to stop.

Is she offering to help with the bills so that you can set up your 401K?

I'd tell her that you truly appreciate the concern. After tax season and you rework your home owner's insurance, you will sit down with someone in your HR department to make sure it's done to their specifications. Until then, you need for the topic to cease.
Then follow through on those. Having a cash flow matters no matter how well intentioned certain matters are, such as 401k. If you're tapped, you're tapped.

I cannot fathom as a grown woman having a meddling parent. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Foo Fighter]

Thanks. I rephrased it as a question and said I needed a little help and what would she do if she was getting one. She gave advice and it went better. Thanks for your help in talking in a calm manner. I am not very good talking with people and I told her as well that was her last nag for a very long time.

[divine1966]

My parents like to tell me things like that too and I was out of the house at 18. I am 52. They still say things. I just nod and do my own thing. How irritating

[Foo Fighter]

Originally Posted by divine1966

My parents like to tell me things like that too and I was out of the house at 18. I am 52. They still say things. I just nod and do my own thing. How irritating

It is. I told my husband we should have a talk about nagging with them

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Foo Fighter

I'm back. My mom is one of those folks who likes to nag to get people to do things. She and my dad are pushing me to get a 401 K at work. I tried this but the setup but it is confusing. Also I checked my paycheck and it's tight. My mortgage eats up three quarters of it and they take out so much in deductions anyway that I'm considering it a miracle we have not had mortgage issues. I just don't feel comfortable at this point taking out another hundred when the mortgage is so high. I am planning on changing home insurance after tax season, then doing the retirement. Right now it's too tight for my liking. I know some people will think that is silly but my husband can only work part time, I'm doing full time and it's tight. I have tried talking them this but they think I'm making an excuse. I just want to make sure I can afford the damn house, not go broke having my paycheck decimated to nothing. She will not stop texting me and I'm sick of this. I don't live with my folks anymore and while they are trying to help, it's overbearing, especially with money. My mom is texting to the point where I'm thinking of blocking her on my phone. I don't want to lie either....that is wrong and it backfires but I want them to back off and stop nagging me about my finances. It's hard enough trying to keep enough money in the bank without their hovering. Is there a nice but firm way to tell your folks to stop interesting or nagging you about money? I understand helping and why it's important but the nagging has got to stop.

Do they help you out financially? If they do not it really is none of their business. I personally would just say, thank you for your concern, I got this, I do not want to talk about it anymore. I would repeat that every single time it comes up even if you feel like a broken record. In fact I might preface it with saying: "mom and dad, I do not like talking about my finances with you so if you continue bringing it up I am going to have to hang up (or ask you to leave or if visiting, get ready to leave). Then repeat the phrase about their concern and stick to your guns. We teach others how to treat us and many (myself included) learn through pain, consequence or routine- I know I do. So if you say you do not want to talk about it and you will end the convo if they do, then you have to do it. They will not learn if you do not do the same thing every time, but I know it is easier said then done. Its so hard to not feel like "the kid" with our parents.

[saidso]

You are absolutely right making your mortgage first priority!!! Whew! That's all I want to say. I was on the edge of not paying my mortgage just for a few months and it was hell. In the end I got a deal with the mortgage company by threatening them with legal action, but it took years off my life fighting them plus left me with a big debt to pay back at the end of the mortgage term. (((((((((((((((Foofighter)))))))))))).
However, perhaps bear in mind that older people may see life from a different perspective to their children for all sorts of reasons = anxiety, their own stressors, their own painful mistakes in life. I "give unwanted advice" sometimes - and there may be lifetime wisdom behind it, or their may be my own feelings of neglect and hurt feelings.

I'm not a co-dependent any more, but I tend to relate to people who annoy by wondering if I ever behave in a similar way myself... and by asking why they are doing it. If the other person is well-intentioned, that might stop the annoyance. I did it yesterday and I worked.

Saidso

[saidso]

p.s. I think you are doing superbly in this, and in my experience tight financial times are manageable so long as they don't go on indefinitely. You and your h seem to be in agreement, which is the most important achievement. Over a year you can cut running costs, bu longer than a year things break and need replacing or repairing. Some people live happily on very little.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Foo Fighter I think the best solution is to just be honest with them. Tell them that you're grateful for their help, but that you can manage the situation by yourself pretty well, and that you prefer to avoid the topic. If they do continue, just repeat this. Try to change the topic of discussion if they do bring it up eventually. Hopefully they'll understand, sooner or later. I'm sorry you're struggling with your finances. It seems like you're doing your best to manage this. You've got this! You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Please don't give up. Hopefully things will get better soon for you and your husband. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help. Sending many hugs to you

[Lefty Seven]

Have HR help you set up the 401(k) and contribute $20 to it each month. Tell your parents the retirement account is in place and you are building on it slowly. Hopefully everyone will shut up.

The majority of Americans will not have sufficient assets or income for a comfortable or even tolerable retirement, and your parents might be worried that you'll suffer the same fate. Social Security has an annual cash flow deficit of approximately $50 billion.

You might point out that in servicing your mortgage debt responsibly, you are preserving ownership of your most valuable asset, your house, which will not be yours until your mortgage is paid off. You could posit that your mortgage payment is logically equivalent to a 401(k) contribution, as both are retirement investments and both are tax-deductible.

[s4ndm4n2006]

If you feel the need for a 401K, then do it, if not who cares what parents, friends, brothers, sisters or any joe shmoe down the street thinks? Giving advice is one thing but nagging someone to do something, is on the level of really being controlling trying to make someone do something you think is best for them. No matter if the advice is sound or not, nagging removes the desire by the recipient to want to listen or follow directions.

Thing is, I'm guessing this is only one of the areas or times when your parents have nagged you about something they think is best for you.

Nod, say whatever you need to get the conversation to end and then just do what you feel is best for yourself. Clearly you're doing a good number of things right with a home of your own etc. So.. be confident in your own decisions and don't let people undermine that by their criticisms.

[Rose76]

When they start nagging you about what's none of their business, stick your fingers in your ears and sing "La la la la la - I'm not listening to you - la la la la la."

Okay. That's sort of a joke. But if all else fails . . .

The real problem here is not that they are concerned about your retirement. It's that you have no boundaries between you and your parents. You're the one who has to quit. Quit responding to their intrusive nagging. The best way to discourage an obscene caller is to simply say nothing and hang up. Make yourself boring.

Alternatively, you can quote - Luke 12: 27 ("Consider the lillies of the field . . . ") Say: "Don't worry; Heaven will provide."

Your parents may just like to keep you in an agitated state of mind. "You better worry about this . . . and you better worry about that." Act blissfully unconcerned.

[sarahsweets]

To go back to your thread title....who says it has to be nicely put?