Commitment phobia of my partner

Hi, I need help - advice - support. It is going to be a very long post, so If you are bored enough to read it, here is my story: So 6 months ago I met this AMAZING guy. It was online, took him 3 weeks to talk me into meeting him in the real life. Our fairy tale started. Everything was perfect, he was perfect, we were drunk in love. He is this type of a guy with a great job, a lot of hobbies, doing a lot of sports, having a lot of adventures and I wide cycle of friends. Pretty impressive, huh? He was telling me he has never been that crazy about anyone and showing it, too. I thought I won the lottery.

But then one night we had this discussion about what went wrong in the past relationships. I said that if we were to talk about them, we should only hint on what went wrong to be able to do it better this time. I said I felt some of my important needs were not met and I tried to fix it, talk about it, but my ex-partners thought I would stay in this status quo, so at some point I was getting tired, realizing they will never fulfill me and leaving. His turn shocked me. He said each of his relationships finished the same. Every time it was getting too monotonous, living together, staying together all the time, he felt trapped and had the need to escape. But of course assured me that there was something wrong with each of these girls and with me he is sure it will be different... It has planted doubts in my head but I left it enjoying the butterflies and so on. I wanted to believe him.

Next time he went back home, he told his sister he is scared, the relationship with his mother is sick and he is afraid he cannot overcome his anxiety. The relationship anxiety to be exact - this he did not say, but I know it now. He was even crying while having this discussion with his sister. Then we started talking about ex's again. Maybe he tried to warn me. One of them was living with him. She thought something was off, so she hacked his e-mail while he was asleep. She found out he signed the contracts to leave for another country and he did not tell her. The next one (he jumped from one relationship to another) after a year of waiting for him, was told by him that he realized they are not good for each other and he is not coming back. She hacked his Facebook and found nudes of some bar girl... At this point I was in a state of deep shock. But again he assured me he could not do that to me, he could not do that to a person he loves so much. Well, you want to believe, don't you? When at this point you are madly in love. But then you start thinking: but he loved them, too! and he did that. Anyway, I did everything I could to get past it somehow. It gave me a lot of anxiety but I decided to leave this topic, because I thought If i keep coming back to it, it will destroy us. But the damage was done.

At some point he started getting more distant, picking on my vulnerabilities, calling me needy and clingy. Believe me - I am needy, I had a terrible abusive father which left scars on my soul, but I am undergoing a psychotherapy to deal with it. I work on it, and I am doing well with giving him all the space he needs etc. We see each other maybe twice a week. We do not talk as much during the day, I do not initiate much contact etc. I am always ok when he wants to go to a party, holiday without me etc. You would think that would make him happy? Not making the mistakes all the other girls did? He thought so too but it does not. So I kept feeling something was very off, he was moody, would not say what was wrong, but he was making me believe I was paranoid and with my paranoia I am ruining us. At some point I believed him. I decided to chill, go back to feeling safe, enjoying us etc. So last weeks I start finally feeling better. He tells me he works a lot (he does, up to 14 hours a day), he says he needs to cave a bit. I say: sure. Let me know, when u wanna leave your cave or if you need me.

He comes to my place for the night after a week. I want to talk about some stuff. He is non-responsive, distant. I write him that it was hurtful. He takes all day to respond. I go on msng, he he is typing and typing, and deleting and typing. My heart at this point is racing. He tells me he is scared of moving in, it is all so lovely but he has this fear and is stuck and these bad feelings are coming to the surface... He tells me we have so much in common and our dates are so amazing (they are, we did so many cool things together) but he is overwhelmed by fear.

So here I am - where all his other girlfriends were - confused, crushed, with a lower self-esteem. I told him at this point that I do not see any other way but a psychotherapy for him. He says he loves about me the most that I am so strong, I always know what to say and I am doing everything right in this relationship and that it is his turn to show me what he is ready to do for us. I was just hiding from him all the pain and confusion. I give him (again) the numbers to the therapists which I got for him. He wrote me yesterday he will call them today and that he is thinking about me. I read this book about commitment phobia "Men who can't love". I understand this claustrophobic feeling in him, I see now very well his pattern and all the red flags which I insisted on ignoring. Do you think there is hope for such a guy? If he undergoes therapy? I refuse to talk with him now, I am too hurt. I am scared. I am angry he made me believe I was going crazy when I was right.

There is always hope for people if they are willing to seek out help and follow through, assuming there are things that need to be overcome and changed. Of course if it's at your prompting, the question arises as to whether or not he feels that the therapy is necessary.

The question isn't whether or not there is hope for "such a guy" but whether or not you can and will accept him now with all of his flaws and imperfections or if you feel you'll have to wait for him to change to believe that it's worth a shot. Because that's a flawed premise for such a young relationship to be based on. It is never good to add the condition that someone change in order for it to work before you've even committed to anything long term.

Either who and what he is now is acceptable or he is not and you should move on. Otherwise you're wasting a good portion of your life waiting for something that may never come.

Hello kes: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I know you mentioned having done some reading on the subject of commitment phobia. So you may or may not find more to be useful. However here are links to 5 articles on commitment phobia & emotional unavailability from Psych Central's archives. The first article is by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. Also included is a link to PC's romantic attachment quiz which you may be interested in taking:

What is Commitment Phobia & Relationship Anxiety?

8 Tell-Tale Signs Of A Commitment-Phobe

How to Deal With Loving a Commitment-Phobe

How to Spot Emotional Unavailability

How to Deal With an Ambivalent Partner | Love Matters

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/rom...tachment-quiz/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

He doesn't seem to respect you so I don't understand why you want to stay with him, but it's your life and your choice. I don't know what the outcome of therapy would be, but if he is willing to go, that would be a good news, as many people resist going to therapy.

Believe his behaviors and patterns, NOT his words. Trust me, it's a hard lesson I had to learn myself. But he has given you ALL the clues necessary that tell you he cannot commit and won't commit -- he has point blank told you he runs away from every relationship, that he gets bored and restless. These are all HUGE RED FLAGS. Therapy, if he agrees to this, will take a long time for him to work out his problems. Are you willing to wait or even stop seeing him while he figures it out? I doubt it. If I were you, I would take the cues and walk away -- no matter how you feel about him and no matter what words of love he uses or empty promises he makes. Behavior patterns speak VOLUMES far louder than words and are to be believed and not excused or dismissed. I would walk away. This is not a good prospect for a longer-term commitment or relationship.

It’s a bad idea to date unsuitable partners in hopes they change. Dating someone whom yiu need to fix after only 6 months of dating is a waste of time honestly. If he needs fixing before it even starts then what’s the point.

I would take out of equation what happened in previous relationships and focus on what’s happening now. What’s happening now is you are in unhealthy relationship with unsuitable partner. I’d not recommend you waste another minute of your life on this

If you had unprotected sex, I’d also check for STDs right away.

I'm so sorry, kes8529 I agree with all the others. I'm not sure continuing this relationship is a good idea. Yes, he may change, but that will take a lot of time, and it's not even sure whether he will truly change or not. Are you willing to wait that long? That's just my opinion though. The final decision is up to you. Whathever you decide, be careful. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Remember that we're here for you to support you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you all or your advice. I still do not know what to do. I understand his issue. I refuse to talk with him much, I hardly ever force myself to answer. I need time to figure out, If I am able to wait. I wrote him a long message with my analysis of what is happening in his head each time. How by the time the "moving in" step is coming closer, he hits the "panic button" etc. He thought at the beginning I would heal him from his problem magically, that is why he declared so soon a bright future together and so on. That is a red flag, too. But naive women think they found prince charming and it is going to be like in the movies. Anyway, when I told him finally what I really think, he said that even he is not able to understand his feelings and thoughts that well and he has never known anyone who would be able to do that as much as I do. He also said that this is the first time he is so honest about his thoughts and emotions with his partner, because he wants to fight for us and change for me. He also scheduled his first therapy for Wednesday. He apologized for his past behaviors. He realised what he was doing. I do not want a new person. I am all for a balanced space-giving relationship, but I do not want to suffer because of his anxieties. This has to change. He has to realise his pattern, the sabotage his mind creates and start healing. I get that it might take long. I told him I will support him, but I do not know If I am strong enough and I do not know If the damage to my heart, soul and this relationship is not too great already. Not to mention what most of you said - I might be waiting for him to heal, getting more hurt with him never changing.

It's only been a six-month relationship, and from what it sounds like a whirlwind relationship at that. Honestly? If you need someone to change fundamentally who they are and how they are in relationships that by itself is a huge red flag and warning sign that it is not the right relationship. You shouldn't have to want someone to change SO much about themselves so early on. They need to be acceptable to you as they are now.. as who they are now. And he just isn't. So sorry to say this, but I honestly think you're far better off walking away and finding someone who is a much better match for what you truly want and desire from someone.

This is the same type of thing he said to you before.

My suggestion is to tell him that you will consider seeing him again in six months if he brings you proof of weekly therapy sessions during all of that time.

Then go no contact for six months.

Are you willing to put your life and happiness on hold and not try and date anyone else while you wait for him to do what? decide to be a decent person and not yank your chain?

You said you recommend he sees a therapist, but are you seeing one yourself? I think you’d greatly benefit from seeing one as there are many issues you might want to explore.

Why are you willing to put yourself through pain turmoil in attempts to completely change someone else after only 6 months of knowing him? Why are you willing to accept disrespect? Do you not think you deserve better than this? Why do you trust words more than actions? Why do you focus on his promising words rather than his unloving, cold and disrespectful actions?

If you don’t address it now, next man and next relationship might be just like this one. I’d not worry about him getting better but would focus on yourself getting better. Better in recognizing that trying to fundamentally change someone isn’t a foundation for a healthy relationship and pursuing unavailable man is not healthy

you deserve much better for yourself than this

Yes, I am seeing a therapist. I do not feel like dating anyone. After each relationship I need a lot of time to rest, be by myself etc. until I am ready for something new. Pulling out for 6 months seems impossible for me. For sure after all of this I have pulled out emotionally, I do not have a problem to keep him at distance and observe what happens next, but it is hard for me to leave completely as this is the first time he truly does something with it. He realises his emotional issues are severe and affect all his life. He keeps running, escaping, u see it through other things he does - dangerous sports etc. My problem is that I see what happens with him as an illness he wants to overcome. For the first time he will see a doctor for his state. It is like If you were in a relationship with an alcoholic and he finally decides he wants to change his life and wants to do it not only for himself but for you, starts a therapy. That is not the right moment to leave?

You just met this guy. It’s not like your husband or long term partner unexpectedly developed an issue, sure spouses or long term partners would stick around and see if it could be worked on.

You dated a guy fairly briefly, portion of which he was doing his own thing like traveling and attending events without you, being distant, being rude calling you needy and clingy, you spend very little time together and don’t even talk much (that one night a week he’d come to spend the night-is it to have sex?), yiu dint talk during the day (he doesn contact you) etc etc

He isn’t a suitable dating companion from the very beginning but you are now determined to change him into someone else. Someone he isn’t.

Were your other relationships happy and healthy? Or they were all with emotionally unavailable men? What does your therapist say?

I think that if you are going to stay it would be wise to commit yourself and him to the understanding that he must go to therapy weekly for an extended period of time.

It would be wise to have a plan for what you will do if he misses therapy, says it is not for him, etc.

I agree but on the other hand since it’s not couples therapy, there is no way to know what he is talking about in therapy and if it’s even remotely related to the issue.

He could be going to therapy and talk about work stress for a year all while OP will be sitting and waiting for him to change. There is also no way to prove that he attends therapy weekly. I think it’s a bit excessive demanding to show a receipt to someone you just started dating.

I agree with both points about a plan in case he decides therapy isn't for him and if he's only going to gripe about work and doesn't address concern about his relationship patterns/styles.

There's plenty out there that couples can actively work on relationship goals/styles etc if not seeking something similar to premarital counseling minus the marital part but I hope I'm making my point. Love is an action not feeling. So action is necessary to back up the words which will ring empty without it.

I think you are way too over-committed to a very short-term relationship and that you want to see him change & transform into the man you want, with some very large issues to overcome. We're talking about a complete overhaul for this man. Like someone said, it's not as though you're married and in a long-term relationship where suddenly his problems are interfering, which then become your problems.

So, I'm just curious: why are you so committed to a man who has huge commitment issues and many other issues to overcome after only 6 months time? This is far too soon to be this involved and invested in changing someone's BIG problems and challenges, imho.

Why not take a long break and then when you're ready again, find a far more suitable match? Someone whom you don't have to change to suit your needs and what you truly want? Think about it. You're trying to "fix" a man rather than just cutting your losses and finding someone more suitable.

Healingme said it well. Love is an action, not a feeling. Words need to be backed up by actions.

And I agree with golden. I’d address why you are so overly commited to someone who doesn’t reciprocate or commit back and after only 6 months?

It sounds like your plan is to be emotionally disengaged but to support him as a friend recovering from an illness.

But to the extent that he undertakes therapy “for you”, he evidently has an expectation of relationship and emotional engagement on your part.

Please be careful, kes8529. You don't have to be commited to this guy. Honestly I think you deserve better. Can I ask you what do you like exactly about this person? From what you wrote it sounds like he needs to change completely before a relationship could even be consider. Why him specifically? Is there any reason in particular? I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. Semding many hugs to you

Hello kes8529. I am so sorry that you're going through such a confusing and painful situation Relationships are difficult, aren't they? If only it were enough to love someone so much and then be loved in return. With the background you mentioned with your father, I imagine trusting and attachment are quite complicated for you. Understandably. Is your mother in your life? Is she supportive?

You mentioned that you are talking to a psychotherapist. That sounds like a strong and intelligent way to deal with your concerns. Not easy, either, I've been there. May I ask how it's going for you? Do you talk about your bf with the therapist? Has he/she given you any strategies?

I'll share some ideas. I'd like you to try an exercise if you are comfortable with it. Find a nice quiet place in your home while alone. Grab a notebook and pen and put it next to you. Close your eyes for a few minutes. Try to imagine your life if things don't work out with your bf...if don't see each other anymore. While you're thinking about it, pay attention to how you think and feel in those moments...body and mind. Grab the notebook and write that down. "When I imagine life without him, I feel _____ and _________ and I think __________. When I imagine never seeing him again, my body feels ____________." When answering those questions, focus only on you and your thoughts/feelings, not his. If you do that, I think you are may get a few answers for yourself which will be really helpful moving forward. You can take the answers to your therapist and start unpacking the thoughts and feelings.

I tried to read all of your posts on the thread but I apologize in advance if I missed or misunderstood a piece. I think you said at one point that you are not trying to change the man. Do I have that right? Honestly, and zero judgment from me here, that sounds like exactly what you are trying to do. And I don't think that will lead you to a path of peace and joy in life. We cannot change anyone even if they say they want to change for us. I am also concerned that he doesn't sound (I obviously don't know him) to be completely honest and direct about his wishes and feelings. To me, it sometimes sounds like he tells you what he thinks you want to hear.

Then on your side, it seems like you are trying to psychoanalyze him. I understand that you want to relate to him and the situation is so confusing but you aren't trained in analysis (correct me if I'm wrong) and we cannot read other people's minds. You told him you know the way he thinks and why. I would encourage you to take a step back from that. I don't think you can know exactly what he thinks and why. Can anyone truly know your thoughts?

This is obviously very painful for you and you have my support. At this point, I recommend continuing your own therapy and trying to bring your thoughts and goals back to you. What do you want for your own future? How's work? Any close friends to chat and have a laugh with? Are there family members you enjoy spending time with? Hobbies? Self-care?

I have the impression that maybe you believe your future happiness is dependent on being with him. One thing I've learned the hard way in life is that we cannot look to others to create happiness for us. We need to seek our own joy and peace as an individual....we need to honor and love our own Self. After we have achieved that, then we can share our happiness with another person who has also done the work on their own Self.

You mentioned low self-esteem. Were you aware of that prior to the relationship with your bf? What is your inner self-talk like? Have you ever written it down? How do you think and feel about yourself (not in relation to the bf)? Are you familiar with Inner Child theory? It may be worth a look.

I hope you find peace. And I really hope your therapist is kind and insightful.

I wish you a bright future

No, no, no. You got it a bit wrong. We see each other twice a week, because we work opposite shifts. He stays at mine Wednesdays, leaves work early to see me and i stay at his Sundays, he picks me up, cooks for me or we go swhere. When we have time we stay all weekends together. He comes every time to pick me up from work. He gave me a key to his flat, bought me my toothbrush, my pjs for when I am there. He keeps his clothes at mine. We go on holidays together every month. For my bday I got from him a surprise trip to Spain - as I love Spain. He went with me to see my parents for a holiday. Actually, it was problematic - he forgot his documents, so he re-booked the flights, spent a lot of money and 24 h at the airports to be able to join me. He takes me out with his friends, I am his official gf not a booty call.

He begs me to see me now and says that he cannot wait for Wednesday to see the therapist and start solving it, so that we can continue this relationship without his emotional baggage. I am sure that he is going to talk at this therapy about his issues with commitment to anything. I also told him that at some point I can join him for a couples counselling to do it all right, but for now I will move back and observe what is happening and how he is doing.It is not that I totally committed to a total a@@hole. With a lot of things we are really similar - ideas for the future, our past, same sense of humour, same political views and many more.

I am 100% sure If he bails out of therapy, I am out.

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