Boundaries here we go...

I finally saw a counselor last night. The first issue I brought up was my growing resentment over my daughter and her H showing up and treating my home like a bed and breakfast. After more than a decade of my daughter not being very involved in my life all of a sudden she decides she is coming for holidays and whatnot and now I must accommodate... they live out of town so the visits are several days at a time. Ever since she had her baby this has started. It has been expensive and tiresome and my resentment is growing. It’s not just all the cooking and cleaning and expense... they aren’t appreciative and I don’t enjoy the time they’re here. There is always tension and her H is a bit hostile in a passive-aggressive way. The counselor said to be honest and tell her how I feel. How I feel... right now I want to tell her please don’t come at all because I want to relax and not run a bed and breakfast. I don’t even know how that conversation should go... For example, mother’s day. She hasn’t spent Mother’s Day with me in over 10 years. I don’t think she will come but if she did for example... it would be an expensive event of feeding and entertaining her and H and the baby... with all their tension towards me that I’m tired of... versus I have grown to enjoy it as a lazy day in my pjs to just selfishly indulge myself. It took me years to get to this point of emotional acceptance that my daughter has not wanted to be a part of my life and now I am resentful at the expectations being put upon me.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Sisabel I understand what you mean. I agree that your daughter is acting pretty selfish, although perhaps that's not a nice thing to say. But it does seem like she's just using you to accomodate her needs, and I don't think that's fair. I'm afraid I must agree with your counselor. I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes. Just tell her that you you need some space and that this is being very stressful for you. Try to set up some boundaries with her. Be kind, but firm. Remember that you can't control her reaction to what you say. You can only try your best to be kind to her. I don't think it's fair that you're being treated this way by her. It's good that you're seeing a counselor! That means that you do want to get help and to get better. Be proud of yourself for that. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Stay strong, Sisabel. Stay safe and take care of yourself. I hope things will get better soon for you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Thank you. I like what you said about telling her I just need some space and I’m feeling stressed. I tend to get myself emotionally worked up and then I babble like an idiot... instead of just saying that I’m tired or I’m busy or I’m having a hard time with something. It shouldn’t be this hard and yet I’ve made it into a huge obstacle in my mind. I’m doing this to myself. Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate you.

I remember your other thread about this. Its so hard with our children. Do you know the basic story about my daughter? If you dont-short version. She turned 18 last feb, ran away in march, got involved with drugs and alcohol. Showed up. Went inpatient-rehab-halfway house-now recovery house (second one).She stayed here for 2 weeks in between houses and I came to realize I can not live with her- probably ever again. I had to make that clear. And I do not think she wants to live here-not really. It makes me feel like a cold mother to not want her to live here. I thought I would die when she left- I cried for a month straight but came to a place of acceptance. Honestly I think she checked out of our family long before she ran away I just didnt see it. Boundaries are tough but I assure you-once you get over the hurdle of laying them down AND maintaining them things get much better. Your situation is different than mine because you have an adult married daughter. She may very well hold her child over your head and I urge you not to take the bait. It will be hard but its her doing and if she can control you that way, her taking advantage of you will never end. When you talk to her maybe throw in there the hostility her husband has towards you. Its beyond disrespectful.

I do remember your story. A few weeks ago I posted my own on one of your threads in response to what you’re going through with your daughter. Mine did the exact same thing as your daughter. Left home at 17 and never finished high school. Did drugs for a few years before finally getting a job. Has always blamed me for her financial situation because I haven’t bailed her out. I tried several times to help but she wouldn’t match my effort and I refused to just pay her way while she partied. So here we are. And you’re right. While I did set the boundaries financially and refused to support her all these years... I have done a terrible job setting boundaries with how she treats me because inside I am wracked with guilt over it all. If I don’t get my head straight with all this not only will she and her H continue to treat me like a door mat but the baby will grow up to do the same.

Hi there!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping boundaries but I can sense you don't want to damage the relationship so I have some suggestions for you:

1.) DO NOT have this conversation with your daughter while they are in your house. Be sure that it's either over the phone or in an email.

2.) Be kind and polite, no matter how poorly you feel they treated you. You will be stronger in the end for it. If anyone acts like a jerk, let it be them.

3.) Unless you never want to see them again, do not bring up the fact that you've had so many past troubles. Save that for forum and for your therapist. Otherwise, it's going to escalate the problem and make their intrusion a larger issue than it really is. They might actually think you enjoy them being there.

Here are some ways to talk about this:

"Honey, I really enjoy visiting with you, especially my grand baby but it's a bit hard on me to accommodate everyone _________. From now on, can you please ask me in advance whether or not I have plans. Sometimes there are some things I'd like to do, or I'd just like to relax on my own. Please know that I love you, and want us to enjoy the time we spend together so having a plan in advance will be helpful to all of us. Thanks for understanding..." or SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

Do NOT say:

"I'm tired of being treated like I run a bed and breakfast ..."

Best of luck!

Lele

Great suggestions! I definitely agree that a blunt statement about being annoyed or upset is not going to help the situation. That’s what was leaving me stumped as to how to discuss the boundary issue. I don’t feel comfortable at all about dragging up old issues or arguing or complaining to them. Daughter and her H probably do think I’m happy for them to be at my house and they probably have no idea they are wearing me out and frustrating me. So I’m gonna give some thought to statements like you suggested... I can talk about what you said and about feeling a bit tired or excessive work demands and those are truly legitimate reasons for not being able to be so accommodating. It doesn’t feel natural because for so many years I waited and hoped for my daughter to come back... my heart was broken... my first instinct was to roll out the red carpet when she finally did come back... it has been frustrating and stressful.

I like LeLes suggestion about what to say. You're T is seemingly on the right track, however, it's only appointment number one and the depth of the backstory is lacking as far as why you would hesutate being so blunt with your daughter.

This was my feeling as well. I will think it through but I haven’t planned to make any decisions at this point. I’m so hesitant about counselors. I left there wondering if I should go back but I will give it a few more visits.