Not sure what to do

To be gay or heterosexual is not an “option”, it’s who you are. It’s not a choice.

And you don’t have to have actual sexual experience to know who you are. How do you think people determine their sexual orientation? Sleeping with both genders and comparing who they prefer more? I understand that you might be unsure or might like both sexes but your rationale behind it is somewhat strange to me. I don’t think I should sleep with a woman to make a determination that I am not into women. I don’t need that experience to know I am not interested. Of course many people experiment but it’s not a requirement

I meant, I did not realize that being in a same sex relationship was really an option or that it wasn’t a choice. And I need to experiment. I have no idea who I would enjoy having sex with. I barely know what some of my preferred acts would be as I’ve barely been able to try anything. I have no idea how to experiment. I’m not comfortable having sex with strangers and that would be mostly (if not solely) men anyway.

I’m here reading (((((((( hugs )))))))))

So if I do decide to ask him out just to see if it works, what do I say? How can I make this the least awkward if he isn’t interested?

Do you know what he likes? Like art of music or history? Then you canaif he’s like to a new exhibit? Or you contact him in writing like on Facebook, it would be less stressful?

You have great insight into yourself and what is really going on deep within you here.

This may sound crude, but think about what literally makes your body get aroused. Do you get all tingly around men, women, both? When you masturbate, think about what it is that gets you aroused.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Skulls&Crossbones I'd suggest to just go for it and see how it goes! Ask him out! I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could! I completely agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said! Try to understand what are his hobbies and what would he like to do with you! Perhaps you could start from there! Just try to be yourself! I understand why you'd feel shy! That's perfectly normal! I'm so sorry you've been through such an horrible relationship! Please don't let that dictate how you should live your life! There's nothing wrong with asking out a man and taking decision! The age difference is not that big in my opinion and it's perfectly acceptable! If he has a problem, I'm sure he'll let you know! I'd suggest to just ask him out and see how it goes from there. Try not to think too much about what may go wrong, otherwise you'll feel stuck! Just go for it! Perhaps you could try to do some meditation exercises before asking him out! I believe there are many great videos on YouTube about all of this! As for discovering yourself and experimenting, you're doing that already! By asking out other people and getting to know them, you're already in your path to self-discovery! Please recognize that and be proud of yourself! I hope you'll decide to ask him out! If it's not, that's perfectly ok! Perhaps things will get better next time! Just keep trying and NEVER give up! That's the most important thing that you can do! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Be yourself, keep trying and keep fighting, Skulls&Crossbones! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Skulls&Crossbones! Sending many hugs to you, Skulls&Crossbones!

Well, we're both musicians and pre-service teachers, but I don't really go to a lot of live music jam sessions or concerts around here, so I'm not entirely sure what all is going on. Could I ask him? I like getting coffee, beer tasting, happy hour, going to the local gay bar...don't know if any of those would be okay.

Also, for whatever reason, adding anyone on Facebook (whether I have feelings or not) makes me anxious. So I haven't added him yet.

Both, although I think it's a lot easier/more common for me to be aroused by women. I do seem to be feeling something around him. When I masturbate, I almost exclusively watch gay or lesbian porn. I imagine some of my attraction to men is from a male perspective. My gender identity has always been in between/masculine and I have a hard time really considering myself a "woman". I recognized I have female parts and have a period and all that, but it doesn't quite feel right to identify as such. I wouldn't say I was 100% a "man" either. I can be effeminate and I don't necessarily identify with traditional masculinity. It's a difficult thing to explain...I have gender dysphoria, but it isn't constant and not always debilitating. I don't care so much about the genitals of a partner, but I worry about the gender role I would get forced into with a guy, especially a straight male. And I do want to know what it would be like with a girl.

To be fair, being myself has lost me most important relationships so I feel pretty leery about that. I'm used to people not understanding and not trying to understand. To people telling me who I am and not having room to explore gender expression. I don't feel particularly comfortable talking about gender with someone who isn't LGBT. Not to say they can't understand or be accepting, I just don't expect it.

Id not invite him to gay bar, some straights might not enjoy it. Especially the first time. Meeting for coffee is the best. Or for a drink, if you drink. But inviting to music event might be less pressure, it might not sound like a date, just you looking for a company to listen to a concert.

Inviting someone to a music event would be less pressure for them but more for me. I’d have to find one I’m comfortable going to and actually want to go to.

What I really wish was if there was something I could help him with...I offered to help him with a class assignment since it was something I’ve done professionally (although on a small scale) but he didn’t want/need help on that so I’m not sure what to do next. If I invite him for coffee sometime, what would be the given reason? If he doesn’t want my help with anything in the classes we have together, then I don’t know.

The more I think about it, the more I realize asking someone to do something with me is unnatural. I rarely have any idea of what I would want to do and usually go with what other people suggest. I rarely even ask friends to hang out. My ex came up with most of the ideas of what we would do for dates. A lot of times I couldn't think of what to do. I liked going to bars...although he did like talking to other people if there was a group, the bartender, or some random person at the bar so sometimes I was waiting awkwardly for a while. One time he struck up a conversation with a stranger for an hour.

Maybe a bar is not a good choice anyway, but I can't come up with a reason to invite him to coffee.

I still didn't get much of a chance to even talk to him, let alone ask him out. I still keep wondering if it's a good idea, I mean pursuing a guy at all. I do feel down about the whole thing. I shouldn't entertain such stupid ideas such as dating or feelings. I'll be married to my job anyway.

Even if you have all consuming job that you love and it consumes much of your thoughts and times, still you need more in life than that. I understand having hard time approaching this guy, personally I’d probably do it in writing

I don't ever get what I need. At least with something like teaching, I can pour love into it and there's the social interaction. I'm beginning to think I'm extroverted but very shy. My favorite days are when I'm surrounded by tons of people all day, especially people that I'm comfortable enough to be myself (and actually talk) around. That environment meets my needs well enough as long as I'm there but there's a feeling of loss when I leave and go home to an empty quiet apartment. I guess I could just buy a new video game system and spend my spare time playing video games...there's a sort of interaction with that. I have a friend that works the door at one of my favorite bars so I can go there sometimes and sometimes spend time with coworkers too (but maybe not so much because almost everyone else has a spouse and/or family).

I'm not sure how to approach it writing either. I keep thinking that adding him on Facebook when I think of it would just seem random. That would probably be the easiest way to do it in writing, but I have no confidence in doing anything socially. I also keep wondering if he just deserves better too. I'm too damaged at this point.

What does your t think?

I also found out he has two cats and I've experienced a pet's needs and feelings being given more importance than mine. And I don't mean in an emergency situation like a pet is sick or something...I mean all the time. I'm just made to feel guilty because he's spending time with me rather than his poor lonely cat.

And so if THIS person has two cats, that bumps me down the list of priorities again. I'd like to be in the top three or four. I mean, I'll never compete with a job, real family, and maybe not friends either so that places me already third or fourth on the list of importance. But I'd love to find someone without pets so I don't have to be knocked down to fifth or lower in importance. I'd love to be more important than an animal.

She thinks I should pursue him and that the best thing for me would be to attach to someone with healthy attachment as that would be the only situation I could develop healthy attachment. She's trying to convince me my previous relationship was not normal but how would I believe that if that's all I know? Also, a lot of relationships I saw growing up were as bad or worse.

This thread got me thinking about gender roles and wondering if I am playing out a role or are truly this or that as society dictates.

We’ve come so far though in breaking stereotypes, so being who you truly are is the most welcome and undefined now than ever.

I suggest just asking him for a drink or coffee with no excuse about any reason other than enjoying each other’s company. If there’s chemistry it will surface.

Keep working with your t. I have to agree that your previous relationship wasn’t normal or healthy. How about you asking him just in hopes to make a friend? No romance pressure

I'll see him tomorrow. I don't know if I'll get a chance to talk to him much, but maybe. If I'm asking him to coffee or something individually, how would that ever read "as friends" and not as a date?

I guess I just keep doubting if it's a good idea. There seem to be a lot of similarities between him and my ex. By themselves, they seem pretty insignificant. Put together, they start to add up.

They both:
Have dark eyes and dark hair
Are currently in or were in the military (which I have to compete against because I can't have ever gone through anything difficult because it can't compete with boot camp and I'm just being a wuss.)
Have perfect pitch (it bugs me when someone has a distinct advantage over others without any effort on their part)
Have at least one cat (really don't want to compete with an animal for someone's attention)

Why do you feel any need to compete? Are you looking st relationships as a competition rather than a team work?

Why does it bother you that someone might be a good singer? What significance does it have in regardless to what kind of partner one might be?

If you need to fight for guys’ attention regardless if it is because of a cat or something else it’s because they are not fully emotionally available or just aren’t that interested not because they have a cat.

I think you are focusing on superficial traits rather than perhaps looking at a bigger picture?

Perfect pitch has nothing to do with singing. It means you can hear a note or any sound and determine the pitch/frequency without any reference. Being around people like that make me feel stupid and I'm tired of always being around people that make me feel stupid, worthless, and inept. How would someone I always feel stupid around be a good partner? I can't imagine you would understand because you're not a musician, but it's really humiliating to not be able to play by ear very well and be with someone with perfect pitch who can play everything by ear perfectly. It makes me look like a bad musician.

And I always have to fight for attention. That's just how it is. I'm just not loud enough. I don't yell over people enough. I try to be courteous and conscientious and not barrel over people all the time, but then you just get ignored. I would just hope if I were to date again that my SO would give me attention and would want to spend time with me. That if we went out in a group that I would actually feel included. That they wouldn't just go talk to a random stranger at the bar for an hour while we're on a date. It's just like I wouldn't date someone who was super close to their family either...I want to actually be a priority for once, not someone unimportant compared to all the other people and animals in their life. I also wouldn't want to be judged about not being close to my family (maybe there's a good reason?). But with the pet thing, I just want a better chance next time. He has two cats. I couldn't compete against one cat, let alone two.

You feeling stupid or worthless has nothing to do with “them” making you feel so. Somebody always is more capable than others. No I am not a musician but I am an artist and there are ton of artists who are better than me and several of my friends. What does it matter? You feeling stupid around people whom you perceive better musicians has nothing to do with them being bad or good partners. It’s a lot to do with your confidence and self esteeem.

Pets are pets and people are people. It’s a different kind of attention. If someone devoted more time to their cats than you it has nothing to do with cats. If he isn’t fully emotionally available for you and lacks commitment, he’d find something else to a priority over you: job, gym, friends etc Them not having pets is no guarantee he’d won’t be neglectful partner

You don’t need to be loud for a man to prioritize you. You just need right kind of men.

You don’t want someone who has close family?

So do you believe that the reason man wouldn’t make you a priority is him having pets, close family, perfect pitch etc? So if he had none of that, he’d be a good partner? So less someone has going on in their life, better partners they are? It doesn’t work this way and is often the opposite.

Your previous partner was emotionally unavailable and wasn’t really into it. It has nothing to do with anything like cats or military etc.

One can have pets and kids and good family and perfect talents and still be a great partner. And he might have none of that and still not be that interested in you.

I hope you share all this with your therapist and keep working on it

You are talking yourself out of this, finding any excuse you can muster. Why are you sabotaging yourself like this?

All three of my sons are musicians. I gave them guitar lessons, which they loved and ran with the music. The youngest is freaky good and we just realized he actually does have perfect pitch. He’ll sit and watch TV while playing his guitar and just start playing along with whatever music comes on the TV. He can hear a note and just play it. However, he had ADHD and isn’t loving his regular classes so much, only loves music right now. So, it’s a win on perfect pitch and not so much in other areas.

You are most likely much better at some things than this guy is, while he is better at other things than you. Sometimes, partners compliment each other in the things the other lacks and make a better team.

I am tune deaf. For real. Just saying. It kind of sucks. But it has no bearing on my personal life.