[bblazerm]

Recently, my relationship fell apart due to many mistakes I made and there is one I cannot figure out in particular. I was wondering if anyone has dealt with the same problem as me and if you do please take the time to respond. When my girlfriend didn't want to give me sex or sexual activity, I treated it as a huge deal and got what I guess is anxiety over it. I tried to control her and get her to do it, and want to know the root of the problem if anyone has dealt with it and has any info.

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

[Ohseedee]

I see this is your first post, welcome to PC!

This certainly sounds like an issue that you may want to explore further, preferably with a therapist.

Each individual has the right to say no to sexual activity. Treating it as a huge deal, trying to control the person and getting them to do it -despite- the fact that they said no, is abusive. I commend you for recognizing that this is a mistake and seeking help for it, because it is unacceptable behaviour.

[nicoleflynn]

In order to feel like having sex, a person needs to feel loved; trying to force or control somebody, has the opposite effect.

[s4ndm4n2006]

not getting sex from someone that is willing is essentially a rejection to people so therefore I think in most cases is there is a negative feeling about it. Using manipulation and control to get what you want sexually from an unwilling partner will never successfully fill the need for sex from someone because they are not a willing participant and therefore it doesn't make us feel better emotionally. In other words they are filling that physical sexual need but not the one that makes you feel wanted or desired so we're going to feel just as rejected and not valued.

Dont' force sex on anyone, it's not worth it to you, that is, even without taking into account that it's unfair and wrong to the person being forced.

[Kwackerjack]

"A Woman needs to feel loved to have sex and a Man needs to have sex to feel loved"

Heard this somewhere many years ago and I suppose their is some truth to it.

Is it simply sexual pleasure or are you doing it to feel loved, wanted or share the feeling of deep intimacy?

With my partner sometimes it's just good old pleasure and fun but it's sometimes much deeper than just a quick one. If that's what's your missing then maybe it's something else in the relationship that needs fixing.

If it's just sex are you being satisfied enough? Do you have a high sex drive or maybe your partner or ex partner is just not doing bit for you or maybe you have a problem that needs special attention.

[WishfulThinker66]

I have to ask... Do you feel you are entitled to having sex? The fact you admit to controling this is a huge red flag.

[mf1438]

Originally Posted by bblazerm

Recently, my relationship fell apart due to many mistakes I made and there is one I cannot figure out in particular. I was wondering if anyone has dealt with the same problem as me and if you do please take the time to respond. When my girlfriend didn't want to give me sex or sexual activity, I treated it as a huge deal and got what I guess is anxiety over it. I tried to control her and get her to do it, and want to know the root of the problem if anyone has dealt with it and has any info.

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

I'm stuck in a sexless marriage. Feeling stuck and locked in with no other alternatives is what causes the anxiety for me. It's time to find other coping mechanisms.

[MrBrains]

Originally Posted by bblazerm

Recently, my relationship fell apart due to many mistakes I made and there is one I cannot figure out in particular. I was wondering if anyone has dealt with the same problem as me and if you do please take the time to respond. When my girlfriend didn't want to give me sex or sexual activity, I treated it as a huge deal and got what I guess is anxiety over it. I tried to control her and get her to do it, and want to know the root of the problem if anyone has dealt with it and has any info.

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Couples that love one another, have sex with each other.
I hate to say it but she didn't love you in the same way you loved her.
All the games and tricks in the world won't change that.
Find a girl better suited to your needs.
Discuss things before hand.

[MrBrains]

Originally Posted by mf1438

I'm stuck in a sexless marriage. Feeling stuck and locked in with no other alternatives is what causes the anxiety for me. It's time to find other coping mechanisms.

There's an alternative.....LEAVE.
A sexless marriage is ABUSE!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, bblazerm I understand what you mean. Sex is a very important aspect in every relationship and it's normal that you wouldn't feel good about your girlfriend not wanting to have sex with you. Trying to forcing her to do it is definitely NOT ok though. That's not the solution and you won't get what you really need and want and it's also abusive and unfair to her. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. Perhaps you may explore what are the root causes of this anxiety and behavior you have. You have every right to live a loving, respectful relationship with another woman, as long as you love her and respect her yourself. I'd suggest to work on yourself before engaging with another woman. Learn from your mistakes. Try to understand what you really need and want from your life. Try to improve yourself. That's the most important thing that you can do to improve this. I hope things will get better soon for you. I hope you'll be able to get better and to find a woman that loves you and that you love back. Please don't give up! Try to hang on! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, bblazerm. You don't deserve to suffer at all. Nobody deserves to suffer at all in this world

[bblazerm]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I have to ask... Do you feel you are entitled to having sex? The fact you admit to controling this is a huge red flag.

I do not feel, entitled to having sex, or at least I don't think I do. The first way I responded was "I would do it for you, I'd literally do anything you wanted", if this is something you view as entitlement, I would like to know.

Thank you!

Originally Posted by bblazerm

I do not feel, entitled to having sex, or at least I don't think I do. The first way I responded was "I would do it for you, I'd literally do anything you wanted", if this is something you view as entitlement, I would like to know.

Thank you!

I view it as manipulation.

[Ohseedee]

Originally Posted by bblazerm

I do not feel, entitled to having sex, or at least I don't think I do. The first way I responded was "I would do it for you, I'd literally do anything you wanted", if this is something you view as entitlement, I would like to know.

Thank you!

I view this as entitlement in the sense that you feel like everyone should act the same way you do, even though that is unreasonable to expect. Just because you are willing to provide sex for someone even if you're not feeling it, does not mean everyone should be obligated to do the same.

I would encourage you to learn about boundaries and how to respect them. Respecting boundaries goes a long way in building healthy relationships.

[WishfulThinker66]

I sure do consider this entitlement. It is your attempt to control the situation to your own advantage. Definitely not an indication of respecting your partner.

I have to wonder about your views on women in general. I have to be honest here but the term incel has readily come to mind.

No woman has any obligation to you to perform sex. It is not about giving and taking either. It is about respect first and foremost and your description of your encounters cries loudly that this isn't even entering the equation. I really think you need to sit back and do a self-evaluation.

I have to be honest here about my feelings as a survivor. You scare me.

It seems your post is more about seeking validation for your concerning point of view than about the welcome consideration and discourse of a problem I worry that you actually don't realise exists.

I fully expect a slam here but I really think this needs to be raised and added to the discussion. Again, you quite frighten me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by MrBrains

There's an alternative.....LEAVE.
A sexless marriage is ABUSE!

While I agree leaving is an option, summing up that sexless marriage is abuse is quite a stretch. Even in a marriage sex is not an obligation even if in most cases it's expected that the couple has sex. never ever, is sex a necessity in life.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by bblazerm

When my girlfriend didn't want to give me sex or sexual activity, I treated it as a huge deal and got what I guess is anxiety over it. I tried to control her and get her to do it, and want to know the root of the problem if anyone has dealt with it and has any info.

In addition to the other replies, I’d like to point out that there seems to be a fundamentally dysfunctional attitude toward sex being expressed here. Healthy sex shouldn’t be conceptualized as something someone “gives” you— something you “get,” or “take.”

[Yorkie]

Is it because you feel rejected? I used to have a gf who would scream at me if I didn't feel like having sex. I always figured she thought I had lost attraction to her or something, but I never actually felt that way. I was usually just tired.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

In addition to the other replies, I’d like to point out that there seems to be a fundamentally dysfunctional attitude toward sex being expressed here. Healthy sex shouldn’t be conceptualized as something someone “gives” you— something you “get,” or “take.”

Absolutely hitting the nail on the head here!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by bblazerm

I do not feel, entitled to having sex, or at least I don't think I do. The first way I responded was "I would do it for you, I'd literally do anything you wanted", if this is something you view as entitlement, I would like to know.

Thank you!

Thing is your explanation actually does the opposite of saying you don't feel entitled. The fact that you use the idea that "I would do it for you..." this actually is saying to the partner exactly this: "since I would do this for you, you are obligated to behave the same" it is expecting that one would conform to your behavior simply by the fact that it's your view, your values and your perception of how things should be. that is an attempted manipulation of another person based on your entitled feeling that because you do something others should do the same. The definition of entitlement.

Whereas in a balanced and healthy relationship you are able to accept that others are different, even up to your actual partner. No one is ever obligated to think act and feel exactly as you do. Turn the tables, how about you being obligated to not desire sex as much because your partner doesn't?

[Have Hope]

A sexless marriage is not abuse. There are plenty of reasons why sex may not occur.

A healthy and respectful discussion around why it is not happening in addition to a respectful but honest acknowledgement of your need to have sex is a good starting point perhaps with your wife.

Many different scenarios could be happening in your marriage: she doesn’t feel loved, she is too tired, she is depressed or too stressed, etc etc. it needs to be talked about, but respectfully.

Secondly, sex cannot be controlled or verbally manipulated or forced. It’s an act between two willing and consensual people, when they both feel like it. I agree that boundaries and respect may be an issue for you on this front.