[Heartache11]

A little back story. We met online and didnt really know each other but a few months before she moved in with me. She lived in a different state a few hours away. She's 30 and I'm 28. I'm already financially stable and she was wanting to become a nurse.

We decided that we really liked each other and thought this might be the real thing so she moved in with me. And, decided she should just start her school here instead of trying to have our relationship long distance.

I have next to 0 family where I live and she has all her family where she use to. Through out our whole relationship she has chose to go spend her holidays with her family and leave me here by myself because I had to work or could not get the time off. There were a couple holidays she spent with me but I feel it was only because she had to work. But for the most part I was alone and sad by myself on holidays.

Fast forward 2 years later. Her birthday comes and we both have the time off, I decide to plan a trip with her for a small get away on our couple days off. I find out she's going to go home and spend with her family and asks me to come to and I'm mad and tell her no, I wanted to just have her to myself for a change but she goes anyways and I stay home.

Then my birthday comes and she had planned a trip for me for mine but also says she's inviting her family and I told her of rather alone time so I just rather not go if it cant be us. She then chooses to cancel the plans and go home to see her family and I'm left on my birthday by myself.

**Let me add a little extra details as I'm scattered in thought, emotionally hurt and didnt plan how to write this to begin with**

It's already hard to find time to spend together in the middle of her schooling and both of our work schedules. I've also chose to stay home instead of hangout with my friends amd picked up on a gaming habit with some of my online and real life friends whom I dont see. I felt this would be better since I would be available and at least here at the house instead of leaving her alone. And theres been some times I've chose to game over her or spend a extra hour on the game then to be with her and this is how she justifies going home and leaving me in a house by myself.

Fast forward to the break up. She's is set to finish school at the end of the semester, her family who never comes here to visit is coming to see her finish. Were all suppose to celebrate that night and I told her let's go somewhere together, you're going to want to after these crazy years of school. She said she's going to go home to visit her family and celebrate. I'm just curious and hurt and I told her to just go home, you got your schooling done by living with me and paying what Bill's you could afford when you could for the past 2 years, you can figure out the next 2 months on you're own I'm done being hurt and playing second fiddle to your family.

I feel theres nothing to build on if I have to force her to want to spend time with me. She's staying with her friends while she finishes the last months of school. Been there for a week now. She says she misses me and wants to come home and I want to let her because I miss her and care for her too but I don't want to open myself up to hurt again. So I'm trying to just stay away and hold my ground. Am I making a big deal of nothing? Are our memories for holidays and birthdays not that big of a deal?

[Bill3]

Have you had over the years some non-emotional discussions with her about her trips home? What did you say and what did she say?

Have you met her family? If so, what do you think of them, and of her when she is with them?

[sarahsweets]

I agree with the poster above- did you have discussions about this when you were both calm and not during a time too close to when she would be leaving to go home? Did she include you in her plans to go home or just that one last time?

[Heartache11]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Have you had over the years some non-emotional discussions with her about her trips home? What did you say and what did she say?

Have you met her family? If so, what do you think of them, and of her when she is with them?

First off thank you for reading all of that.

Yes we have had multiple conversations about her trips home and how I feel about them. Some emotional and some non. She just shrugs it off and tells me she gave up her whole life and family to come live with me here and that these special occasions that I've mentioned are the only times they can be together at the same time so that I should pretty much just deal with it.

When she lived there she told me stories about her family barely ever wanting anything to do with her and how she's leave in a heartbeat and that all I had to do was ask. But its complete opposite now or something. I dont understand. I feel that all of a sudden that she's doing something with herself that now they're proud of her or maybe she lied the whole time.

I never forced her to move with me.

I have met her family and yeah I dont have anything against them or how she is when she's with them. I do think that she has told them things that make them not like me and conversations of when they came to visit I had briefly had the conversation that i would want certain things to be locked up and the kids to stay out of certain places of the house out of fear something being broke or stolen (kids are kids, I get it) but they took it as I called them all thieves....

Keep in mind the whole house and everything in it is mine and was mine and she came with what she could carry so I dont feel I was unreasonable for telling her my concerns. I feel she made the mistake of telling them and creating that awkwardness

[Heartache11]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I agree with the poster above- did you have discussions about this when you were both calm and not during a time too close to when she would be leaving to go home? Did she include you in her plans to go home or just that one last time?

I guess I have to wait for my replies to be approved? I replied to poster above. And she always leaves all of a sudden, she plans it with them and then tells me last minute where then it's too close.

[Bill3]

And she always leaves all of a sudden, she plans it with them and then tells me last minute where then it's too close.

For me this was the most disturbing thing that you said. Why do you think that she does that? My guess is that she doesn't want to deal with you pushing back so she holds off on telling you.

When she lived there she told me stories about her family barely ever wanting anything to do with her and how she's leave in a heartbeat and that all I had to do was ask. But its complete opposite now or something. I dont understand. I feel that all of a sudden that she's doing something with herself that now they're proud of her or maybe she lied the whole time.

Well that was then and this is now. Things change. If they all get along now, that is what you have to deal with if you have any thought of staying with her.

Fast forward 2 years later. Her birthday comes and we both have the time off, I decide to plan a trip with her for a small get away on our couple days off. I find out she's going to go home and spend with her family and asks me to come to and I'm mad and tell her no, I wanted to just have her to myself for a change but she goes anyways and I stay home.

Well it was her birthday, I see her point.

Then my birthday comes and she had planned a trip for me for mine but also says she's inviting her family and I told her of rather alone time so I just rather not go if it cant be us. She then chooses to cancel the plans and go home to see her family and I'm left on my birthday by myself.

I imagine that her thinking might have been that you didn't do what she wanted for her birthday, so she isn't going to do what you wanted for yours.

I have next to 0 family where I live and she has all her family where she use to. Through out our whole relationship she has chose to go spend her holidays with her family and leave me here by myself because I had to work or could not get the time off. There were a couple holidays she spent with me but I feel it was only because she had to work. But for the most part I was alone and sad by myself on holidays.

I am an only child, while my wife is one of six children. I've had to come to appreciate and understand and accept that her family gets together a lot and they mean a lot to each other. If you want to be with her, it sounds like that comes with the territory.

I'm pretty astonished actually that she wants to come back to you after you threw her out for wanting to be with her family after graduation. Before that happened, had you and she discussed what will happen in your relationship after she graduated?

She just shrugs it off and tells me she gave up her whole life and family to come live with me here and that these special occasions that I've mentioned are the only times they can be together at the same time so that I should pretty much just deal with it.

She did in fact do that, leave her family to live with you. She did in fact see you pretty much every day.

I never forced her to move with me.

No you didn't, but to me a more charitable and generous response is in order. When she moved with you, she did not intend to put you in charge of when she can see her family.

I wonder how she would respond if you said "Yes, you gave up a lot to move here and I am grateful for that. I want to encourage and help you to stay in touch with your family, since I get to see you every day now and they don't."

[Heartache11]

Originally Posted by Bill3

For me this was the most disturbing thing that you said. Why do you think that she does that? My guess is that she doesn't want to deal with you pushing back so she holds off on telling you.


Well that was then and this is now. Things change. If they all get along now, that is what you have to deal with if you have any thought of staying with her.


Well it was her birthday, I see her point.


I imagine that her thinking might have been that you didn't do what she wanted for her birthday, so she isn't going to do what you wanted for yours.


I am an only child, while my wife is one of six children. I've had to come to appreciate and understand and accept that her family gets together a lot and they mean a lot to each other. If you want to be with her, it sounds like that comes with the territory.

I'm pretty astonished actually that she wants to come back to you after you threw her out for wanting to be with her family after graduation. Before that happened, had you and she discussed what will happen in your relationship after she graduated?


She did in fact do that, leave her family to live with you. She did in fact see you pretty much every day.


No you didn't, but to me a more charitable and generous response is in order. When she moved with you, she did not intend to put you in charge of when she can see her family.

I wonder how she would respond if you said "Yes, you gave up a lot to move here and I am grateful for that. I want to encourage and help you to stay in touch with your family, since I get to see you every day now and they don't."

Thank you for dissecting my post the way you did.

I think you did make me recognize some issues on my part and made me me want to text her and give her an apology and let her be able to read my text over and over and decide what she wants to do.

I realize that maybe I shouldn't have made her leave. I guess I did that because I didnt want to have that awkwardness of seeing each other in the house and not speaking and also wanted some time alone to think. And, it has helped.

I thought of texting her something like I'm sorry for putting you out and next time if we have a big fight perhaps I should be the one to just leave and get a hotel. And even with how the things you do hurt me that there isnt anyone else I want to be with. And you have given up a lot to be here with me. I want ready to speak on it but I am now if you are and if you can forgive me.

At the same time I almost feel like I dont want her to feel like she has all this power to take advantage of me too though and maybe I should let her beg me back but I am the one that made her leave, I'm confused

[divine1966]

You might not be a good fit for each other. You enjoy staying home and playing video games. She prefers to hang out with her family instead of watching you play games.

I hope she doesn’t beg you to let her back in if she has any self respect. Throwing people out is a really low move.

I also think that if your fights are bad enough to one person going in a hotel, then this is doomed. It’s not how people resolve conflicts in a commited relationship.

I think apologizing to her is a good idea but I’d let her go and enjoy her life. At the same time I encourage you to see a therapist to help you sort it out what caused you to behave in this manner with a girlfriend so it doesn’t happen with a next one . Good luck

I feel really bad for your Heartache. It seems like she took advantage of you in multiple ways when she moved in with you; free rent, free food, and someone she could emotionally manipulate.

Perhaps next time you meet someone online, take it REALLY slow and just visit each other until one of you is emotionally and financially ready to move in with the other person.

It sounds like you and she both made mistakes but the real issue here is that you both had different priorities from the start; hers was to go to nursing school and yours was to be in a relationship with her. You were her second fiddle b/c nursing school was her priority; you were just the option she was sleeping with who paid her rent. Your priority was to be in a relationship with her, and when you asked her to be in that relationship, she chose her family and nursing school over you. That is why neither of you are compatible with each other, as far as I can tell.

Really sorry this happened to you. 2 years of your life is a good chunk of time to invest in being in a relationship.

[Heartache11]

Update on my situation.

I apologized and let her come home, we haven't slept together and tried to give each other space, I told her that I was ready to work on things and i only wanted to be with her and I took it too far it making her leave and it wont happen again and that I needed to get my rage in control with that. Because I only told her in the heat of the moment and that's bad and because she didnt really fight me I thought she was good with it too.

Shes been home for 2 nights. Today she told me that she didnt know what she wanted but she didnt want to deal with the break up right now and just focus on her Last couple of weeks of school without anymore stress and that she would like to still stay here but still be broken up and both of us be free to do whatever. She said she doesn't want to feel guilty going out with her friends anymore ect...(I've always tried to get her to go out with her friends I just didnt like her going to bars so I'm assuming that's what she wants to do) while still living here with me.

I told her it sounded like she didnt want to work things out and that she wanted to really be over and while we both know that's probably what is best if were not compatible. I was still willing to keep trying if she was willing amd maybe we could really fix things depending on if we both really wanted to. But she said she doesn't know she just doesn't want to be stressed and wants to just focus on school and herself and told me I should do the same.

I told her I'm not going to force her out because she doesn't have a lot of money to get a place but I told her I cannot live here with her if were not together because I dont want to wonder ever time she leaves if shes going on a date or Visa versa or doing anything else that I wouldn't like. I told her it just isnt fair and if that's what she wanted and not to be together then I think it's best if she got a place and I told her I would help her at least with the first months Bill's but that's it and she said she would look for a place then but she didnt really want to because shes not sure how she might feel in a couple weeks. I told her I get that shes hurt and needs time but I just cant live together like that and I dont want to force her to make the decision just so she doesn't have to deal with stress ect but it's just what has to happen.

I cant fight if theres nothing left to fight for and she just wants out. I have to take care of myself too and find ways to move on also even if that includes going on dates and flings with other women as distractions, I cannot wait around for heart break to smack me in the face.

I didnt tell her about the dates and other women but I told her I cant wait around. Were either going to try and work on it or were not.

What does everyone here think, please help.

[divine1966]

Relationship is over. Give her reasonable time to move out and find a place: depends on your area. Maybe 30 days? Yes it’s ok to help her a bit to get on her feet. Maybe first month, you can also help her move but then be done. Her not having money isn’t really your problem. You aren’t married and don’t share kids.

[Heartache11]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Relationship is over. Give her reasonable time to move out and find a place: depends on your area. Maybe 30 days? Yes it’s ok to help her a bit to get on her feet. Maybe first month, you can also help her move but then be done. Her not having money isn’t really your problem. You aren’t married and don’t share kids.

Thank you. I think you're right 30 days seems fair. She did ask me to give her at least 2 weeks because she found a place that would be available then when she thought I wasnt going to let her come back.

What am I suppose to do in the mean time while shes here and were broken up? I dont want her to bring anyone over and say I'm to hook up with someone or start talking to someone and have to tell them I still have my ex gf living with me? Seems a bit odd...

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Heartache11

Thank you. I think you're right 30 days seems fair. She did ask me to give her at least 2 weeks because she found a place that would be available then when she thought I wasnt going to let her come back.

What am I suppose to do in the mean time while shes here and were broken up? I dont want her to bring anyone over and say I'm to hook up with someone or start talking to someone and have to tell them I still have my ex gf living with me? Seems a bit odd...

Why would you guys start dating and hooking up right after break up. It seems incredibly odd to me. Don’t you need some time to get over each other? What you gonna tell to women you hook up with, you broke up two days ago and already dating? You worry she’ll bring men over? You two can’t wait a month to hook up with other people? It seems so weird to me, plus it’s not a healthy way to process break ups: hook up with new people with no time to process.

[Heartache11]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why would you guys start dating and hooking up right after break up. It seems incredibly odd to me. Don’t you need some time to get over each other? What you gonna tell to women you hook up with, you broke up two days ago and already dating? You worry she’ll bring men over? You two can’t wait a month to hook up with other people? It seems so weird to me, plus it’s not a healthy way to process break ups: hook up with new people with no time to process.

I know it may seem odd but sometimes that's what helps, neither of us are bad looking people at all. So I'm sure someone will come along and of it happens it happens. Part of me Hope's it will because I need the help getting over her

[divine1966]

I’d wait until she is out of your house. I don’t think it’s fair to other people to date them to get over her. Plus it’s not very healthy. Just my take on it