Hi everyone,

I have an issue I need help with. The issue I face is my fiance has a very large network of friends all nearby and I don't. My friends are all spread out all over the country, and I have just a few close friends in my area, and not a whole enormous crew like he does.

So his friends are all very tight with each other. They've welcomed me into their group, but whenever there's a gathering, I've noticed the women kind of stick with each other and don't bother trying to get to know me at all.

They call themselves a "family"... a large family, and a welcoming family at that, but I don't feel that's really the truth.

There's one woman in particular who is very stand off-ish with me, and I cannot figure out what's up or why. I don't know if she simply immediately disliked me because I tried to make conversation with her once at her house. My attempt to talk to her seemed to have flopped and failed miserably. She seemed disinterested. At the same time, I get kind of a little bit of an insecure vibe from her? I am pretty good at picking up on things like that. She's married and not single, for the record.

Anyways, I feel a bit insecure now around this whole group, and I think mainly because of this one woman, but also because the women stick together and kind of exclude me.

So I don't know how to handle it... ?

The obvious answer is to keep being friendly and just be myself, but I feel like they're being kind of cliquish. I am not like that at all, so I really don't know what to do or how to handle it? Usually, I have just stuck by my fiance's side the whole time, and every time he has left to go have a cigarette, I follow him because I don't want to be left alone with the women, feeling left out.

It's not an easy situation for me. I am outgoing and very friendly and can easily start conversations, but I also get intimidated and more shy around larger groups of people.

We have a gathering coming up at the end of the month, so any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

No replies? I guess no one cares.

[mote.of.soul]

Hi,

Aaw, I wish I had a solution for you g_e, or a sound advice, but I suffer from pretty bad social anxiety so even if everything was going fine in such social settings I wouldn't perceive it that way, unfortunately. So, I'm useless!

Someone will come along soon with a pearl of wisdom, hugs!!

Hi golden_eve, I doubt that no one cares about your posts. There could be millions of reasons why no one has responded. I'm sure people will respond.

Feeling like the odd one out of a large social network that your fiance has, is totally normal. That married woman you mentioned - I would just ignore her stand-offish behavior b/c there's really no reason for you to worry about it.

It sounds like you already know the answer - just to be yourself. Eventually, your fiance's group will integrate you but that takes time. People are odd. They also may be reading cues from you that you don't accept them if you suddenly follow your fiance outside when he goes to smoke a cigarette, as you being stand-offish, even though you aren't; you just feel left out and feel intimidated b/c you're new to your fiance's big social network.

There is no right answer here. At least from what I can tell you're already doing what you are supposed to be doing; be yourself. But maybe instead of following your fiance outside when he goes to smoke a cigarette, just stay inside and circulate and talk to people. Remember, relationships take time to build. So, you have to be patient, and take it slow with all of those people. Some may remain acquaintances and some may become good friends. But you can't force them all to suddenly "like" you and accept you. If you get bad vibes from people like that married woman, then put them in the category of "not going to be their friend b/c they are rude to me."

I'm sure you'll be fine at that next big social gathering. Just relax. Let things happen naturally with your fiance's friends. Some of them will like you, and some won't. There's literally nothing you need to do here. You can't control what other people do. You can only control yourself.

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hi,

Aaw, I wish I had a solution for you g_e, or a sound advice, but I suffer from pretty bad social anxiety so even if everything was going fine in such social settings I wouldn't perceive it that way, unfortunately. So, I'm useless!

Someone will come along soon with a pearl of wisdom, hugs!!

Aw, thanks mote!! No worries, I totally get it!

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Hi golden_eve, I doubt that no one cares about your posts. There could be millions of reasons why no one has responded. I'm sure people will respond.

Feeling like the odd one out of a large social network that your fiance has, is totally normal. That married woman you mentioned - I would just ignore her stand-offish behavior b/c there's really no reason for you to worry about it.

It sounds like you already know the answer - just to be yourself. Eventually, your fiance's group will integrate you but that takes time. People are odd. They also may be reading cues from you that you don't accept them if you suddenly follow your fiance outside when he goes to smoke a cigarette, as you being stand-offish, even though you aren't; you just feel left out and feel intimidated b/c you're new to your fiance's big social network.

There is no right answer here. At least from what I can tell you're already doing what you are supposed to be doing; be yourself. But maybe instead of following your fiance outside when he goes to smoke a cigarette, just stay inside and circulate and talk to people. Remember, relationships take time to build. So, you have to be patient, and take it slow with all of those people. Some may remain acquaintances and some may become good friends. But you can't force them all to suddenly "like" you and accept you. If you get bad vibes from people like that married woman, then put them in the category of "not going to be their friend b/c they are rude to me."

I'm sure you'll be fine at that next big social gathering. Just relax. Let things happen naturally with your fiance's friends. Some of them will like you, and some won't. There's literally nothing you need to do here. You can't control what other people do. You can only control yourself.

Thank you so much.


I would take your advice about not following my fiance, it's just I feel SO uncomfortable, standing there by myself waiting for someone to come up and talk to me. I don't want to force myself in, you know? And that's what it feels like... forcing myself into a clique-ish situation. Ugh.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Thank you so much.


I would take your advice about not following my fiance, it's just I feel SO uncomfortable, standing there by myself waiting for someone to come up and talk to me. I don't want to force myself in, you know? And that's what it feels like... forcing myself into a clique-ish situation. Ugh.

But you have to force yourself b/c it is a clique. It takes courage but the clique doesn't come to the individual, it's vice versa. You have to break the ice. I wish that's not how it works, but that's how it works.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

But you have to force yourself b/c it is a clique. It takes courage but the clique doesn't come to the individual, it's vice versa. You have to break the ice. I wish that's not how it works, but that's how it works.

Thank you so much for your reply, though it's really not my style or comfort level to force myself in. I feel very..... well, forceful! lol.

Maybe I will just continue to stick by my fiance's side. Maybe there's no easy or simple solution, given my own comfort level. I wish it weren't so hard.

[divine1966]

Hugs. I am not sure what to suggest.

It depends on the crowd? Could you ask your fiancée what he thinks is best? I’d not follow him outside when he goes to smoke. My sister in law does that. My brother smokes. When I’ve met my husband, he thought my sister in law smoked too because she always follows him outside at parties. When I said she doesn’t, he seemed puzzled why she goes outside.

Could you maybe find one person you feel more comfortable with and just chat with that person? It could be challenging.

[sarahsweets]

Eve- I sometimes think that the newish girlfriend of they guy with his tight friends/couples is automatically on the outside because its new, female "competition". And yes, it really is about their insecurities. Many women assume that the new girl is going to flirt with their men and that their men will flirt with them and many times that happens when they think you are "prettier" than they are-even if you yourself do not feel that way. It reminds me of the old ideas that women are always competing for the attention of a man-even though I am not like that and you are not like that and maybe even most are not like that- I still think in cliquey groups women can be like that. I would say be yourself but you already are and as you said its still awkward. I would try hanging by your man in some circumstances but not to the point that he feels he cant be social with others. In situations where I have felt on the outs with women I always offer to help the female host helping setting/serving or cleaning up. Its work to host a gathering and sometimes being kind helps break down the ice.

I like Sarahsweets advice about offering to help. I have always avoided large cliques and had a small group of friends. I don't think I was in the "cool" group and told myself I liked it that way! Also, I sometimes would drink too much to ease my anxiety when put into a situation like you are describing. I like Divine's advice to just try to find one person to get to know. If it were me, I wouldn't even try to find acceptance with the entire group but there has to be someone in that group who you find likable and vice versa. It does sound uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hugs. I am not sure what to suggest.

It depends on the crowd? Could you ask your fiancée what he thinks is best? I’d not follow him outside when he goes to smoke. My sister in law does that. My brother smokes. When I’ve met my husband, he thought my sister in law smoked too because she always follows him outside at parties. When I said she doesn’t, he seemed puzzled why she goes outside.

Could you maybe find one person you feel more comfortable with and just chat with that person? It could be challenging.

Thanks Divine! I like your idea of finding one woman or person.. there is one woman who’s been friendlier to me.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Eve- I sometimes think that the newish girlfriend of they guy with his tight friends/couples is automatically on the outside because its new, female "competition". And yes, it really is about their insecurities. Many women assume that the new girl is going to flirt with their men and that their men will flirt with them and many times that happens when they think you are "prettier" than they are-even if you yourself do not feel that way. It reminds me of the old ideas that women are always competing for the attention of a man-even though I am not like that and you are not like that and maybe even most are not like that- I still think in cliquey groups women can be like that. I would say be yourself but you already are and as you said its still awkward. I would try hanging by your man in some circumstances but not to the point that he feels he cant be social with others. In situations where I have felt on the outs with women I always offer to help the female host helping setting/serving or cleaning up. Its work to host a gathering and sometimes being kind helps break down the ice.

Thanks, Sarah! You make all valid points about women and how they can be. With the one woman who is not so friendly, I kind of pick up on something along those lines. It’s really weird.

I love your idea of offering to help! That would definitely break the ice a bit more.

I don’t follow my fiancé absolutely everywhere. There have been times when he’s talking to his friends and I’ve been talking to other people in the group. But you’re right.. I don’t want to cling or hold him back at all.

Thank you again!

Originally Posted by Nowinners

I like Sarahsweets advice about offering to help. I have always avoided large cliques and had a small group of friends. I don't think I was in the "cool" group and told myself I liked it that way! Also, I sometimes would drink too much to ease my anxiety when put into a situation like you are describing. I like Divine's advice to just try to find one person to get to know. If it were me, I wouldn't even try to find acceptance with the entire group but there has to be someone in that group who you find likable and vice versa. It does sound uncomfortable.

Thank you, nowinners! I appreciate your reply and thoughts. I am more like you.. and I prefer smaller social settings. I, too, have had too much to drink when I feel uncomfortable. There is one woman I mentioned who is friendlier so I may try to cozy up to her and talk to her more. She’s really nice! I’ve liked her since the moment I met her.

[lizardlady]

Can I offer a slightly different perspective?

I see new members at PC talk about cliques here in situations where I don't see cliquish behavior. You say these people have known one another a long time. They are comfortable with each other as a result. Your the "new kid." How did you get comfortable here at PC? How did you get to know people and feel like you fit in? I see you interacting with people here a lot, giving good replies and support. Is there something you can take from that to apply to getting to know these people better? And at the same time let them get to know you better?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, golden_eve! I completely understand what you mean! I don't like big groups as well! I completely agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! I completely agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could! I believe nobody really expects you to befriend ALL of the people in that group! I believe it just doesn't work that way, at least in my own experience! However, you CAN try to find at least one or two people that you'll like chatting with a bit more than the others! I'm sure you'll be able to find them and I'm really happy that you've already found one! I'd suggest to just stick to her and maybe one or two people and I'm SURE that you'll feel much more comfortable staying with them and chatting with most of them! I promise you that! If there are any people that you don't like in that group or that make you feel uncomfortable, just try to avoid them as much altogether as much as you can or perhaps just try to be polite to them but try not to engage too much with them! Do you believe that woman truly doesn't like you or is it just a feeling you're having? Perhaps you coul try to think about all of this if you want! If you're STILL feeling uncomfortable I'd suggest to talk to your boyfriend about this and see how it goes from there if you haven't already! Hopefully he will be able to listen to you and understand you! Perhaps he will be able to give you some advice to help you feel a little more comfortable when you're around them! After all, they're HIS friends and he probably knows them much better than everyone else! I'm sure he will be able to help you if you just ask him for some advice and you're kind to him! I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you! I'm TERRIBLE at begin social and in social situations in general so I completely understand what you mean, even though I'm sure you're NOT terrible at all and you're definitely much better than I ever will be! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this if you just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Don't worry, I'm SURE you'll be able to get through all of this! I promise you that! If it doesn't work out, at least you'll be able to say that you've tried your best! That's all we can do after all and it's more than enough! Keep fighting! Just remember to be yourself, to be your usual, kind and sweet self and try to follow the advice all the other wonderful people on this thread have already gave you! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this if you just keep trying! Please be kind to yourself! You deserve it! Remember that you're a strong, wonderful person! YOU ROCK! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this by yourself! I hope things will get better soon for you and I hope that you'll be able to get some help from your boyfriend! I'm SURE you'll be able to get through all of this! You're strong, after all, and I believe in you! We all believe in you! Please try to believe in yourself as much as WE ALL DO BELIEVE IN YOU! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I hope you'll be able to see yourself like the strong, wonderful person that you truly are, because YOU ARE AND YOU KNOW IT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! You're AWESOME! You're STRONG! You're a WARRIOR! You're an AWESOME, STRONG WARRIOR! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you're going throguh ALL OF THIS! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! Nobody deserve to suffer AT ALL, certainly not you! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, golden_eve!

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Can I offer a slightly different perspective?

I see new members at PC talk about cliques here in situations where I don't see cliquish behavior. You say these people have known one another a long time. They are comfortable with each other as a result. Your the "new kid." How did you get comfortable here at PC? How did you get to know people and feel like you fit in? I see you interacting with people here a lot, giving good replies and support. Is there something you can take from that to apply to getting to know these people better? And at the same time let them get to know you better?

Hi lizardlady! Thank you so much for your perspective! That's a really interesting point you make. I never found PC to be clique-ish myself, but after some time on here, I did get to know people and made some friends on here, just like anywhere I guess, right? But it did take a while... it was not immediate.

I think I need to remember that friendships take time to nurture and develop... getting to know people takes time... I need to remember this.

I'm also the kind of person who always want everyone to feel comfortable and welcome whenever I'm in a social situation. I go out of my way to make sure ppl feel included and not excluded. That's just how I am when I am in a group setting.

So I guess in part I am expecting this group to act like I do, or in particular, this one woman who seems to not like me or who is standoff-ish. I have to remember that not everyone is like that, or like me! LOL. How can I expect that, right?

Ty again! I really appreciate your kind comments about me, and your thoughts about my current situation.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, golden_eve! I completely understand what you mean! I don't like big groups as well! I completely agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! I completely agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could! I believe nobody really expects you to befriend ALL of the people in that group! I believe it just doesn't work that way, at least in my own experience! However, you CAN try to find at least one or two people that you'll like chatting with a bit more than the others! I'm sure you'll be able to find them and I'm really happy that you've already found one! I'd suggest to just stick to her and maybe one or two people and I'm SURE that you'll feel much more comfortable staying with them and chatting with most of them! I promise you that! If there are any people that you don't like in that group or that make you feel uncomfortable, just try to avoid them as much altogether as much as you can or perhaps just try to be polite to them but try not to engage too much with them! Do you believe that woman truly doesn't like you or is it just a feeling you're having? Perhaps you coul try to think about all of this if you want! If you're STILL feeling uncomfortable I'd suggest to talk to your boyfriend about this and see how it goes from there if you haven't already! Hopefully he will be able to listen to you and understand you! Perhaps he will be able to give you some advice to help you feel a little more comfortable when you're around them! After all, they're HIS friends and he probably knows them much better than everyone else! I'm sure he will be able to help you if you just ask him for some advice and you're kind to him! I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you! I'm TERRIBLE at begin social and in social situations in general so I completely understand what you mean, even though I'm sure you're NOT terrible at all and you're definitely much better than I ever will be! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this if you just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Don't worry, I'm SURE you'll be able to get through all of this! I promise you that! If it doesn't work out, at least you'll be able to say that you've tried your best! That's all we can do after all and it's more than enough! Keep fighting! Just remember to be yourself, to be your usual, kind and sweet self and try to follow the advice all the other wonderful people on this thread have already gave you! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this if you just keep trying! Please be kind to yourself! You deserve it! Remember that you're a strong, wonderful person! YOU ROCK! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this by yourself! I hope things will get better soon for you and I hope that you'll be able to get some help from your boyfriend! I'm SURE you'll be able to get through all of this! You're strong, after all, and I believe in you! We all believe in you! Please try to believe in yourself as much as WE ALL DO BELIEVE IN YOU! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I hope you'll be able to see yourself like the strong, wonderful person that you truly are, because YOU ARE AND YOU KNOW IT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! You're AWESOME! You're STRONG! You're a WARRIOR! You're an AWESOME, STRONG WARRIOR! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you're going throguh ALL OF THIS! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! Nobody deserve to suffer AT ALL, certainly not you! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, golden_eve!

Hi Mickey!!! My dear friend, you are SO kind and SO sweet for saying such nice things!!!!

You always manage to turn my frowns and worries into a big smile.

And thank you for giving me a greater sense of strength and courage.

It's really more so this one woman, but also the fact that the women tend to stick together amongst themselves.

And I am not THAT outgoing. I mean, I am, but I'm not, if that makes any sense at all. I just cannot walk up to a group of people that I don't know and start mingling. I am quiet in groups. I am more shy. I am better 1:1 or in smaller groups.

Yes, I will seek out the ones I feel most comfortable with, but I just wish I knew what was up with this one woman I've talked about.

My fiance had a horrible marriage before me, they all met her and disliked her immensely. I wonder if there's some amount of skepticism going on with me possibly? Maybe!!!!!

I mean, he and I only met a little over a year ago... she could be totally skeptical for all I know.

Anyways, thank you so much for your support and most uplifting words!!!!

Originally Posted by golden_eve

So his friends are all very tight with each other. They've welcomed me into their group, but whenever there's a gathering, I've noticed the women kind of stick with each other and don't bother trying to get to know me at all.

They call themselves a "family"... a large family, and a welcoming family at that, but I don't feel that's really the truth.

There's one woman in particular who is very stand off-ish with me, and I cannot figure out what's up or why. I don't know if she simply immediately disliked me because I tried to make conversation with her once at her house. My attempt to talk to her seemed to have flopped and failed miserably. She seemed disinterested. The obvious answer is to keep being friendly and just be myself, but I feel like they're being kind of cliquish. I am not like that at all, so I really don't know what to do or how to handle it? Usually, I have just stuck by my fiance's side the whole time, and every time he has left to go have a cigarette, I follow him because I don't want to be left alone with the women, feeling left out.

That's tough. I recently had a similar experience with a group of women. But I found just a couple out of the group that I could conversate with. So you can start out with one or two people to talk to. Someone there must have something in common with you. But if you feel awkward, don't show it because that may make them feel uncomfortable. Just keep smiling every time you make an eye contact and remain approachable.

Originally Posted by ennie

That's tough. I recently had a similar experience with a group of women. But I found just a couple out of the group that I could conversate with. So you can start out with one or two people to talk to. Someone there must have something in common with you. But if you feel awkward, don't show it because that may make them feel uncomfortable. Just keep smiling every time you make an eye contact and remain approachable.

Thank you, ennie!

It is tough! I don't know what I have in common with these women... we cannot really relate professionally too well. The one who doesn't like me or who isn't friendly to me has kids and I don't. The one thing we may have in common is our musical tastes, but even so, they're far more into this one band than I am. There has to be some sort of common ground though, as you said!!! I like your idea of just continuing to smile, no matter what. Great advice!!! Ty!