Not exactly thrilled to be getting married

So in two weeks I’ll be getting married. My fiancée is absolutely thrilled. I on the other hand am glad that she’s happy. However I think marriage is unneeded in a relationship for it to be healthy. Honestly I’m only marrying her because it’s what she wants. I’m not saying that I don’t want to spend my life with her, because I most certainly do. It’s just that I don’t see the point in marriage. I’m not religious so there’s that. I also don’t believe marriage creates a sense of security. Especially since divorces are socially acceptable now. The only benefit I see in a marriage is that someone I love and trust will have a say in my treatment if something happens to me. Other than that I think marriage is pretty pointless. Especially since I’ve already proven my loyalty to my gal.

It's just a form of agreeing to commit and it comes with legal commitments as well. However, you are right in that our current society doesn't see this as truely binding and that it's ok to break free from this commitment and get divorced. It's just something that is important to her and as you mentioned, you really do love her and want her to be happy.

I think the healthcare decisions and property ownership make it worth it even if you do not agree with the principle of marriage itself.

Is your fiancee aware that you're only marrying her because she wants to get married? This seems a bit strange to me to only marry because she wants to, when you don't believe in it or support it's merit. Both people ideally should be happy to be getting married, and support the whole notion of marriage and what it means. I don't know. It just seems very one-sided. That doesn't seem right or fair to you necessarily.

What I took from the OP was that he doesn't need a grand ceremony to solidify their love and vows. But is doing it because it's a meaningful event for their fiance.

I didn't see disinterest, just someone ranting about the pointlessness of marriage, and he didn't say anything about marriage going against his loyalty. There wasn't anything indicating that he doesn't love his wife.

As to @Stuck1nhead Perhaps this is something you should talk to your wife about. So maybe you two can at least come up with something BOTH of you enjoy to celebrate a long lasting life together. Heck, maybe a marriage could be arranged to both of your likings.

Me too. Honestly I feel like the ceremony has become a massive thing for women. And too many women that i know get married for one reason, they want the ceremony. Period.

IF tomorrow wedding ceremonies were made illegal I think marriage would end. It is the ceremony and all that goes with it that women want.

From what you said, you love your fiancée, want to spend your life with her, want to see her happy, and see some benefits to marriage. That makes it sound like a win-win. It doesn’t sound pointless, it sounds like it has benefits (if small). What actual downside, or potential downside, do you see or feel?

I say why bother. Unless you'll forevermore 'hold your peace'?

Marriage is not something I necessarily believe in. I have never seen myself as the marriage type. All I was getting at is that her moving in was a bigger step for me than marriage. If continuing to be with the love of my life means I have to marry her than so be it. I’m not disgusted by marriage and there are benefits.

Um.....I got married on the rebound, and I was not thrilled to marry, but at the time I simply didn't have anything better to do. I have been married for nearly 29 years, to someone I don't really love. He doesn't really care mush about me, either. I am not telling you what to do, but , in hindsight, I would have been better off alone.

If you get past the title and read what the OP says, he clearly loves his fiance and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. It did not sound to me that he was not committed.

Marriage has nothing to do with wedding ceremonies. I can’t care less about ceremonies and had none but I am happily married. Some people have huge graduation parties but it doesn’t mean those who had no graduation party or didn’t walk on stage, don’t have their college degree. It’s silly. One has nothing with another.

And really if you don’t want to be married, don’t be.

Why bash institution of marriage? Frankly the only people who complain about institution of marriage are either in bad marriages or are very unhappily single and wished they were married. I am yet to meet happily married or happily single people bashing institution of marriage. It’s all projection.

OP, call off the wedding please. There is no law that people must be married. I was single and married. Both have value. Do what’s right for you but please unless you are thrilled to do it, don’t marry this woman just because she wants it

He loves her and wants her to be happy , so what that the whole wedding isn’t a big deal to him.

People do things for the ones they love to make them happy.

I see nothing wrong with what he thinks and feels.

A piece of paper is just that a piece of paper.

His love for her is what matters.

OP , enjoy your life with your happy bride

This thread makes me fully aware that I'm not culturally an American! In Europe there are a number of legal/ financial ways of affirming couple-ness without a wedding. It's quite normal to do that, and often people who are anti-establishment about weddings or financially struggling take that course for the whole of their lives. Sometimes couples take that route, have their children grow up, and then have a big "getting married" party in their fifties or sixties to celebrate their union.

For example in France their is a civil solidarity pact PACS which you can find described in Wiki and this is very popular. "The PACS was voted by the French Parliament in October 1999, largely to offer some legal status to same-sex couples. In 2012, 94% of PACS were nonetheless between opposite-sex couples.
From a legal standpoint, a PACS is a contract drawn up between the two individuals, which is stamped and registered by the clerk of the court. In some areas, couples signing a PACS have the option of undergoing a formal ceremony at the city hall identical to that of civil marriage. Since 2006, individuals who have registered a PACS are no longer considered single in terms of their marital status; their birth records will be amended to show their status as pacsé."

PACS requires birth certificates of the couple and their parents as documentation but the parents/ family are not necessarily implicated in the ceremony. I also know many older French couples who are have the civil status of a couple but who never married (not sure how they did this). Children from those couples can take either/ both of their natural parents surnames.

Also in Europe even traditional Asian families are looking for ways to avoid expensive weddings because setting up a home together is more of a priority.

Traditions, and family obligations, against a private/ legal change of civil status. From my European point of view, I respect the OP and others for examining all the commitment/ legal options.

To me an interesting statistic is that over the first decade of PACS there were way fewer civil unions dissolved in France during their first 3 years than there are divorces in the first 3 years of marriage. If that continues, it might mean that private commitments are as strong or stronger than the traditional forms.

You can always draft a health and/or final wishes directive. I myself see little value in the ceremony of marriage, i view it as an archaic ritual that has little to no place in modern society. But being committed in a loving union is a different matter altogether.....which I think is what you are hoping for.

Stuck1nhead, If you love this woman and wish to spend the rest of your life with her...Then I say go with the flow if it is something that will bring her joy and a sense of security.. If it matters neither one way or the other to you, then enjoy the day's celebrations and make some happy memories with your new life partner.

You posters may not have seen that the original poster started another thread which further expresses his lack of direction at this point in his life. I really wish people wouldnt start a different thread on exactly the same subject within the same time frame. People who respond to a post take their time genuinely trying to help. Some of the feedback might be a little uncomfortable, but some of the posters have a lot of experience with a particular issue. Don’t sabotage your likelihood of getting really relevant tips by starting a different thread giving information which would have helped posters to better understand the situation. Then there are two threads in which we dont reallly have the whole picture. We need to understand the situation to give relevant advice. On the second thread, people continued to caution this young man to slow down and give this more thought. In a situation like this someone could title a second thread: update thoughts on getting married ,something like that.

Thanks for pointing this out @luvyrself

I don't typically scan older posts for the sake of gaining more historical perspective to the current post. And with 100s/1000s of members and limited time, I take each post at face value, pretty much.

But I did find an older post. And firmly now stand by my initial gut response reply of 'Why Bother?"

Hi luvyrself,

It can be a challenge when reading a thread and trying to offer advice that you feel can help the OP. Truth is though this is a mental health forum so often it may be helpful if you look at the person's profile page and take a look at their statistics to see what other threads they may have posted that can give you more information about them.

That being said, I admit that I myself don't always do that every time and can find myself getting a reaction of "well don't you know this person is XYZ" when I just don't. It can just be more helpful though when knowing a little more about the person and that way posting isn't just all about "self and self experience and feelings and values".

OP made same thread last year saying he isn’t sure he wants to marry her and I personally advised not to marry if he isn’t sure. Fast forward a year and same thread, not sure about marriage to her. For couple of years OP posted number of threads about relationship issues with this particular person. I don’t believe it’s wise to marry then.

Couple of posters said he should marry her because he loves her and wants her to be happy. Those of us who are married know that’s not enough. Most divorces happen because people marry wrong people. Not because of lack of love. If love was enough, there would be no divorce

I would like to point out that this thread isn’t me contemplating whether I want to marry her. What it is actually about is that I’m marrying her for more her sake than mine and when we talk about marriage I’m just not as excited as she is. In my own core beliefs I feel that her moving in was a much bigger step than us getting married.

A lot can happen in a year, shoot a lot can happen in a month. Since then I’ve sought help, worked out my issues, and discovered how much I actually love her. Which is very much. So much that I want to spend my life with her and have kids.

Op -- don't.

I have no doubt that you love her.

What were you hoping to get out of this thread? Did you just want to vent?

I did read your past posts, and one was very recent which made me think you should not get married. But you seem pretty set on the plan. I am just curious what you had hoped to get out of this by posting about it?