[gothicpear]

I've been dating a man for a year. We started out as just friends going out and doing things together on the weekends, but it's recently become more serious. He has told me he wants to be exclusive and wants to start spending nights together and taking vacations together. It all sounds very promising.

Last weekend, we went out to hear a band at a local bar. While there, he spotted a woman who he said is on his Facebook, but he's never met her in person before. As for me, I don't add people who I don't know on my Facebook, but apparently he does. He left our table and went over to introduce himself. When he came back, I asked him what her name was. He told me. I still found it strange that he had a total stranger on his Facebook, and then left our table to go introduce himself, but let it slide, because we were supposed to be having fun.

Then I went home. I decided to look her up on Facebook. She has some of her posts blocked, as we are not friends, but every single one of her pictures, he has "liked." In fact, she just posted one today, and once again, he was quick to "like" it.

It bothers me. It bothers me that he had a total stranger on his Facebook. It bothers me that he left our table to go introduce himself. It bothers me that he "likes" her pictures, even the most recent one. Having dated more than one unfaithful man, I hesitate with the whole, "Why don't you talk to him about it, ask him," because that usually leads to defensiveness and shut down.

Has anyone else had experience with this kind of behavior? Is it a red flag, or am I being too sensitive? Is there a way to handle this so that I can get the answers I need?

[Bill3]

If you were to ask, any reaction of defensiveness and shut down is, in itself, important information to know about him.

If you don’t ask, how much is the situation going to continue to gnaw you?

[divine1966]

If I was on a date with my husband and he left me at a table while on a date and went to introduce himself to some stranger woman, I’d have a huge issue. He’d never do that. It’s rude. Inappropriate. Uncalled for

It's super rude and totally inappropriate. Has happened to me three times with three men I dated.

Guy #1: l I dated for a year. We were out to dinner on a snowy winter evening when he saw a blonde woman he had dated. Without asking me or giving me any notice, he left our table, walked over to her, hugged her, and spoke to her for about 15 minutes. I would have left the restaurant and dumped him but he'd driven. He did it to me again, at a bar. This time, he abandoned me at our table and didn't return. About 40 minutes later, the bar tender left the bar, walked over to me, and said, "would you like me to call you a cab?" He saw that I was crying, so I nodded "yes" and shortly after his call a cab came and picked me up. Guy #1 never called or texted me to explain his behavior both times, and I didn't have the self esteem to confront him about hold him accountable for his behavior back then. Note: He dumped me while I was recovering from a bad car accident in the hospital. A man who dumps a woman while she's in the hospital...is not a good man.

Guy #2: I met through online dating. On NYE, while at a dinner table with a married couple I know, he kept texting w/his female coworker. He'd get up from our table, walk away, and call her or text her. He did this to me at my cousin's wedding too, at the wedding reception where he'd disappeared for about 30 minutes. When I later confronted him at night about this woman, his response was "well, you need to leave now b/c I don't want to be with you anymore." And that was his way of dumping me.

Guy #3: Last month. The narcissist I posted about in a few other threads here. His 6 year girlfriend dumped him b/c he was always on his phone, and they had a long distant relationship with each other using Apple Facetime. I met him on FB through a mutual group about a few months ago and we met in person a month ago. The entire time we were talking at a coffee shop -- he was on his cellphone. Then, at a music venue, sitting down at the venue, he was again --- on his phone. Needless to say, he was a narcissist in sheep's clothing.

I can't advise you what to do gothicpear, I can only share my similar experiences.

You can't let things like that "slide." Those are deal breaker behaviors in my opinion.

And you can't be afraid to deal with conflict in your relationships. Conflict is par for the course. It helps you and your partner learn about each other and help you each decide if you are compatible or not.

To expect to be with someone and never argue or disagree, never address each other's habits or bad choices, or communicate how you feel when you feel it, is not realistic.

You can't be afraid to set limits. You can't be afraid to tell the truth. Because communication is necessary for a relationship to be healthy, to be strong. My grandparents were married from age 17 to the day they died which was more than 70 years. They stayed together b/c they respected each other, even when they didn't like each other sometimes.

[Molinit]

Was it his idea to go to this bar that night? If so, could be he read a post of hers saying she'd be there.

[Bill3]

I was wondering about that: what are the odds of randomly running into her at a specific bar and specific time?

[divine1966]

Oh I didn’t think about it. It’s likely not a coincidence. Why was she there at the same time? But how lousy of him to take you on a date after a year of dating so he can meet other woman there. Is it possible that he doesn’t think of you as a romantic partner? Otherwise it’s just bizarre. Who does that?

Originally Posted by divine1966

Oh I didn’t think about it. It’s likely not a coincidence. Why was she there at the same time? But how lousy of him to take you on a date after a year of dating so he can meet other woman there. Is it possible that he doesn’t think of you as a romantic partner? Otherwise it’s just bizarre. Who does that?

Have you read my post in this thread, divine?

Believe me, there are some real jerks out there and I speak from experience.

Guy #2 also shoved me into a drunk guy at a dive-bar where we were listening to music, which caused the drunk guy to react by shoving me to the ground. When I asked Guy #2 why he did that, his response was, "it wasn't me why do you always blame me?" but it was him b/c I was standing directly in front of him when he shoved me forward.

[gothicpear]

Oh friends...this has been so helpful!

He did mention wanting to go to this place, where we had NEVER been before, to hear a band he had no clue about. When I went back through Facebook and checked the "event," sure enough, she had clicked "going" to this event. So it is very possible he had seen that she was going, then suggested to me that we should go, and then oopsie! Met up with her there for the very first time, after clicking like after like after like on her pictures.

That's a lot of plotting and scheming on his part, but that very well could be what happened...then he saw her and went right over and introduced himself, with me there as his cover chick.

I don't know...does this sound like something a man would do? It's sure sounding suspicious, now that I looked back at the Facebook event. What great detectives you are!

[gothicpear]

So where do I go from here? Do I ask him? Do I just lie low and wait and see what happens next?

Originally Posted by gothicpear

Oh friends...this has been so helpful!

He did mention wanting to go to this place, where we had NEVER been before, to hear a band he had no clue about. When I went back through Facebook and checked the "event," sure enough, she had clicked "going" to this event. So it is very possible he had seen that she was going, then suggested to me that we should go, and then oopsie! Met up with her there for the very first time, after clicking like after like after like on her pictures.

That's a lot of plotting and scheming on his part, but that very well could be what happened...then he saw her and went right over and introduced himself, with me there as his cover chick.

I don't know...does this sound like something a man would do? It's sure sounding suspicious, now that I looked back at the Facebook event. What great detectives you are!

Even the detectives on the crime tv show Law & Order will agree with me here -- sounds like he DID scheme and plot to meetup with this woman, using you as his 'cover chick.' Dump the rat bastard. Stat.

Men are capable of this kind of shenanigans and MUCH WORSE. I'm nearly 50 and have been through a few nasty scenarios. If a guy's a bad character, then whatever woman he's with, is going to be his victim either consciously or subconsciously. That's how women get duped into staying in abusive relationships, fyi.

I'd dump him. But that's just me. I have no time for games. If he wants to date this Facebook friend, let him. She can deal with his stupid reindeer games.

It's just one year of your life. Could be worse -- if you stay with him. If you do, don't second guess your intuition if he pulls stunts like this again and again.

Just arm yourself with some serious boundaries and self-esteem when you confront him; be prepared for his verbal judo: of countering (I could say the same thing about you with your male Facebook friend so-and-so), minimalizing your feelings (you're overreacting, being insecure, being dramatic), deflecting (you're reading too much into this), shaming you (you don't love me, you don't trust me)
and last but not least, gas-lighting you (you're crazy, you're paranoid, you're insecure).

Good luck.

Originally Posted by gothicpear

So where do I go from here? Do I ask him? Do I just lie low and wait and see what happens next?

Like i said, you should confront him. Tell him how his actions made you feel. Now, be prepared for lots of verbal judo (examples of that in my previous post). He will accuse you of not trusting him, if you tell him you found evidence on his Facebook of "liking" all of her posts and the event, and how you put 2+2 together and then his actions at the music venue of leaving you to go introduce himself (he should have brought you with him and introduced you as his girlfriend).

He will do his best to keep the focus on your snooping, and off of what he did, so he doesn't have to answer to you for trying to meet this woman in a way that isn't suspicious. Don't let him take the focus off of himself. Don't let him deflect.

It's clear as day that his plan now was to meetup with this woman in person, and use the music venue and event as a convenient way to do it covertly.

It's not as though he was going to admit "hey, honey, I have this hot female friend on FB I want to meet in person finally, and I see this upcoming event as the perfect way to do that, you won't mind would you?" because of course you'd mind. You're his girlfriend. So, he went about it in a rather sneaky way, but you're smart and you found out.

So, yes you definitely need to address this with him. If, after a year, he pulls the verbal judo on you that I mentioned previously, and shuts down and gets defensive, be a good Bridget Jones and walk away from that Daniel Cleaver and go find yourself a nice Mark Darcy instead.

[divine1966]

I’d be done with him. After a year of dating it’s still not serious and possibly isn’t exclusive plus this game playing with Facebook woman. Bad news. Move on.

[TishaBuv]

I just want to say that there are Facebook events. It sounds like this evening was one of those and he saw the woman he knows from Facebook there and giving him the benefit of the doubt, that may be all this was.

Excellent deduction figuring out his attending the bar was a result of the Facebook friend!

I agree, he could have introduced you to the woman. That would have been polite.

I have people on my Facebook I don’t really know and see all these events I could attend.

I suggest you calmly ask him about the woman and gage his reaction.

[Bill3]

Honestly, it truly angers and disgusts me that this guy secretly used a date with you to meet her.

If it were me, I would dump him at once.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Honestly, it truly angers and disgusts me that this guy secretly used a date with you to meet her.

If it were me, I would dump him at once.

It may not be so diabolical.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It may not be so diabolical.

He didn't bother to bring gothicpear over with him, to introduce her as his girlfriend to this FB woman-friend. That is the giveaway, I'm afraid, that his intentions bringing gothicpear with him, was just a ruse. Of course he used this FB event to secretly meet his FB-woman friend. It's not a case of lack of manners. He did it because he doesn't respect her. An ex-bf of mine did the exact same thing to me TWICE. There's literally no justifiable excuse gothicpear's boyfriend could (or will) give her, to explain why he acted this way. A normal boyfriend would have just spent the time with gothicpear and if he saw this woman, brought gothicpear with him. But he didn't do that. Because he's a cad.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

He didn't bother to bring gothicpear over with him, to introduce her as his girlfriend to this FB woman-friend. That is the giveaway, I'm afraid, that his intentions bringing gothicpear with him, was just a ruse. Of course he used this FB event to secretly meet his FB-woman friend. It's not a case of lack of manners. He did it because he doesn't respect her. An ex-bf of mine did the exact same thing to me TWICE. There's literally no justifiable excuse gothicpear's boyfriend could (or will) give her, to explain why he acted this way. A normal boyfriend would have just spent the time with gothicpear and if he saw this woman, brought gothicpear with him. But he didn't do that. Because he's a cad.

You may be right. Maybe he’s just a bit short on class.

Would you date a man short on class? I have, many times. Like an idiot. Never again.

My ex, who did this to me twice, saw two opportunities to leave me sitting at our dinner table at a public restaurant to go over and talk to two women he previously dated WITHOUT INTRODUCING ME or inviting me to join him.

He dumped me a month later.

gothicpear's man is a cad. Only she can choose what action to take. But having dated many cads like this guy who are low on class, and had this exact scenario happen to me, I'm afraid gothicpear has a decision to make.

A respectable boyfriend wouldn't have even left gothicpear's side at that music venue, even if he saw his FB-woman friend. He would have focused on being with gothicpear.

[divine1966]

Whatever was the reason for him to behave in this manner this is bad enough in my books to end it.

[TishaBuv]

This is a good example of tolerating initial red flags until they get so bad we finally end it, kicking ourselves later. You all have no idea what I overlook!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

This is a good example of tolerating initial red flags until they get so bad we finally end it, kicking ourselves later. You all have no idea what I overlook!

Oh me too.

I once noticed that persons hands shake on a first date and choose to ignore although gut feelings told me that he might have drinking problem and has to stay sober on a first date. And I was right. He was an alcoholic. I still dated him. Then left him because...he was an alcoholic

And one time the person didn’t walk me to my car in a dark and creepy parking garage on the first date. Same person told me on the first date that every girlfriend left him because he was selfish and self absorbed but he learned his lesson. Needless to say I ended up dating him for a year despite obvious red flag. Then I left him because... he was selfish and self absorbed.

Whatever is wrong in the very beginning (sometimes first date) will still be wrong later on. So why waste a minute of your life

[sarahsweets]

I am not even sure you need to waste your time confronting him about it or explaining yourself. I personally would end it, and tell him why and be done. Why tell him he hurt you because you know he will be giving excuses. You do not owe him a thing....

I just remembered another date-and-ditch story I experienced. When I was in college, my sister's boyfriend (now husband) set me up with one of his single, college friends. So, I met him at a bar. I had been forewarned by my sister's boyfriend (now husband) that his friend is a **** with women he doesn't want to connect with. He'll say to them on the date, "I have to go to the bathroom" and then will get up, walk towards the bathroom of the venue, then will walk out the door! I was confident this guy wouldn't do that to me, after all, my sister's boyfriend likes me, so he gave his friend a good reference. Well, HE DID IT TO ME TOO. We were about 15 minutes into the date, when he said he needed to go to the bathroom. Now, me being me, I called him out, "Are you going to the bathroom Dave, or are you ditching me?" He stopped in his tracks, but then went on his merry way, not responding, and ran out the bar's doors. I went to the bar, asked for the phone, called my sister and her boyfriend at the bar they were at, asked for them by name, and I F******* heard Dave talking to them about me in the background! I was livid! 21 years old, but still livid.

So yeah, men are ******** and will do terrible things to women. What about men who ditch women on dates, who are left to pay the bill? gothicpear, if you stay with your current boyfriend you are ignoring a HUGE red flag about his cad-like behavior. Dump the guy. You were friends with him first so you must have seen his sh*** behavior with women back then? Why overlook that now? You're in the girlfriend role. So if this is what you think you deserve, dear, I feel bad for you.

[Molinit]

Okay, so it's a pretty sure thing he schemed his way into this "meeting." Why? Who knows, I will say there are some people who really get a charge out of situations like this where there unknowing girlfriend is in the presence of this other woman.

I think I wouldn't invest more time in this relationship if this is the case. I probably wouldn't even bother confronting him because he probably wouldn't admit it anyway. I'd just freeze him out.