I'm dealing with my younger sister who is a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type personality, with regard to our elderly mother, and having a very difficult time.

The situation: I live with our mother (temporarily) and she slept walk (again) and this time, fell around 2 a.m. and screamed. I texted my sister "mom fell, please call" but she didn't respond. So, I called her the next day, and her response was something like, "you always do this. you always call or text about mom's problems and it's a real inconvenience to me b/c I was up worrying about her."

Why didn't she just respond to my text by calling me when I texted her? A normal person would respond that way. Wouldn't they? No, I didn't call 911 b/c I checked my mom over and she didn't break any bones. She was shaken up, disoriented and babbling to herself.

So, then, after the phone call, I came back to our mother's apartment and my sister was there. Our attempt to have a civil discussion about working together to get mom into assisted living, spiraled out of control quickly and we are now estranged from each other.

However: she is the power of attorney. She won't grant me access to information I need, in order to move the process forward. I'm at my wit's end b/c I have no power in this situation.

I did call the county, and filled out a diverse population form, that my mom signed and that once approved by the county, gives me authority to submit an application to our county for medical assistance, which our mother needs to qualify for the elderly waiver in my state.

My sister "claims" she already tried to do this last year, but refuses to show me proof that she submitted an application to medical assistance on behalf of our mother. So, that is why I'm applying to be our mother's medical assistance application authorizer.

My sister accuses me of being an emotional terrorist which is ironic b/c she is the one who gaslights me, minimizes, counters, shames, and deflects with me whenever I try to hold her accountable or set boundaries with her. I already blocked her and her husband from my Facebook, but I'm still Facebook friends with her daughter, my niece. She is the type of person who presents herself as the family 'hero,' because she is married with kids, and I am still single, without a full-time job.

If I can get that application filled out and completed on our mother's behalf, she automatically qualifies and then I can find her an assisted living facility to move into once a room becomes available.

The fallout from separating from my sister is her 3 children, whom I have a great relationship with. I'm moving out of my mother's place in 2 months, to where yet, I don't know.

I can't stay here anymore. It's toxic to my mental health. I need to get away from my entire family of origin. I'm 48, so I really need to get away from them. I'm already estranged from our brother and his family. Once I move out, I will have no family of origin contact anymore and that's a lot to take in.

Has anyone been in this situation?

I'm at my mother's place and my sister called to talk to our mother. When I got on the phone, she accused me of 'eavesdropping' because she left me out of the conversation about wanting to find assisted living closer to HER location, so that her children could visit. When I tried to assert my boundaries with her, "you need to include me in on these conversations," she accused me of breeching her privacy. When the reality is, she's triangulating me out of the conversation. Do you see what I have to deal with?

[Iloivar]

How old are the children? If they're teens and/or adults perhaps you can speak to them? I would try to mention little of the fallout between you and your sister other than the fact it occured (to remove all other intentions other than wanting to maintain your relationship with them), which could serve as an explanation to your future absence. You could maybe let them know in spite of the strained relationship with you and their mother, that they're always free to contact you about anything? I don't know. Just something that shows you care and want to maintain a relationship with them. After that, it's up to them to decide whether they want to do the same.

Originally Posted by Iloivar

How old are the children? If they're teens and/or adults perhaps you can speak to them? I would try to mention little of the fallout between you and your sister other than the fact it occured (to remove all other intentions other than wanting to maintain your relationship with them), which could serve as an explanation to your future absence. You could maybe let them know in spite of the strained relationship with you and their mother, that they're always free to contact you about anything? I don't know. Just something that shows you care and want to maintain a relationship with them. After that, it's up to them to decide whether they want to do the same.

17, 15, 13 are the ages of my niece and nephews.

[Rose76]

Instead of texting her at 2 a.m., wait until morning. Text her after 9 a.m. It's pointless to wake her up in the middle of the night. There was nothing for her to do right then and there.

How would assisted living help? Wouldn't she still be alone at night? Or would staff there check on her every few hours at night?

If your sister is P.O A., then she pretty much calls the shots. You could challenge that before a judge, if you are willing to say that your sister has been irresponsible in handling your mom's affairs and has been neglectful. That would make you and your sister enemies for life. I'ld be slow to do that, if it were me.

Sometimes you just have to allow a situation to get worse before anything constructive is going to happen. Adult Protection Services is very slow to force elders into a more supervised living situation. (Been there, done that.) I know you are concerned for your mom's safety. But your options are limited.

[Rose76]

Do not discuss the issue of your mom's placement into assisted living with your sister's kids. They are still "kids." This is not for them to sort out.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Do not discuss the issue of your mom's placement into assisted living with your sister's kids. They are still "kids." This is not for them to sort out.

Your derision is not helpful advice at all. Going on ignore now.

[divine1966]

Are you and your mom both on a lease of the apartment or does she own it? If you are both on the lease, I’d just stay in the apartment when mom goes to assisted living. That would eliminate necessity of moving? Is it possible?

On the other hand if your sister has POA and is the one making decisions, I’d probably not stay living with mom and be her caregiver. I am not saying you have to abandon your mom, but living arrangements seem to be not working. Whoever takes elderly parent in or otherwise takes care of them, should have POA. Or could both people share POA?

Did you move in to take care of mom? And now you have no power to decide what’s best for her? I am confused. Sounds frustrating.

Our dad is still ok, mom just passed if one day dad won’t be ok anymore we’d take him in but we’d either share POA or whoever takes him in, will have POA. If sister has POA, she’d better take care of mom.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you and your mom both on a lease of the apartment or does she own it? If you are both on the lease, I’d just stay in the apartment when mom goes to assisted living. That would eliminate necessity of moving? Is it possible?

On the other hand if your sister has POA and is the one making decisions, I’d probably not stay living with mom and be her caregiver. I am not saying you have to abandon your mom, but living arrangements seem to be not working. Whoever takes elderly parent in or otherwise takes care of them, should have POA. Or could both people share POA?

Did you move in to take care of mom? And now you have no power to decide what’s best for her? I am confused. Sounds frustrating.

Our dad is still ok, mom just passed if one day dad won’t be ok anymore we’d take him in but we’d either share POA or whoever takes him in, will have POA. If sister has POA, she’d better take care of mom.

My sister had POA before I moved in. I was not given a choice -- she just decided she was going to be the one responsible for our mother's finances and execute her will etc.,. as I was left out of the loop. I thought I was clear about that.

The reason I moved in with my mother is not the issue here. The issue is the estrangement with my sister, and how to overcome that, while at the same time, work with my sister to get our mother approved for assisted living.

I cannot take the POA away from my sister b/c I don't have the finances to sue her in court. Right now, I just want to determine how to get our mother approved for the medical assistance she will need, to qualify for the elderly waiver in my state, that reduces the rent at assisted living facilities to 1/3 the rent cost.

I was hoping people could respond with advice who were in a similar situation with a sibling they didn't get along with, to give me advice.

you asked for advice, didn't get one you liked and put them on ignore...well ok I guess i'll probably end there too.

had the similar situation with my parent. my siblings decided they wanted nothing to do with my mother. she had dementia, was incontinent and was pretty much even more vile then she was before. they fled never to be seen again. I got stuck with mom. care 24/7 plus working full time. basically the only way to get her into a care facility was to walk away & let the county come & care for her because she was neglected.

you are lucky, sister is power of attorney. leave everything to her. let her bear the brunt of it all. don't involve the kids it isn't fair or right to do so. nothing they can or should do about it. if you don't like what the sister is doing, my basic option for you is to leave & let the sister deal with it. mother will eventually end up in care facility because sister won't care for her. period. as I said you are lucky. sister by being POA has decided whether she realizes it or not to handle everything. find another place to live & be good with it. this could go one for years and get even uglier.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Your derision is not helpful advice at all. Going on ignore now.

I will vouch for her, that was not derision. It may have been a professional tone. Rose has a lot of professional and personal experience in these matters that could be very helpful.

Everyone responding here is trying to understand and to help.

My experience with an unsympathetic brother is that the children side with their parents.

[sarahsweets]

Oh blanche the whole thing just sucks and I am sorry its so tough for you. I understand what its like to not have the financial means to take your sister on legally to help your mom. My dad died suddenly when he was 47 and had no will. His girlfriend just started taking his stuff and doing what she wanted with it even though I was next of kin. My dad had horrible debt and no assets and I had just had a baby and had no means to take her on. I wish I had better advice to give you. Is there any way that you can somehow "file" or "report" to the county that your sister does not have her best interests at heart? Does your mom have money somehow that your sister wants control over?

[divine1966]

Does mom want to go to assisted living? My dad is very stubborn and it’s hard to make him do anything he doesn’t want to.

[TishaBuv]

I don’t have any advice. Just want to say I understand how it feels, as I deal with it myself.
Uncooperative sisters, parents who want independence and no one telling them what to do. I’m watching a slow motion train wreck and my hands are tied. Hang in there, Blanche.

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't have a lot of advice to give to you either, StreetcarBlanche, since I've never experienced this myself! Just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel and that I'm SO sorry that you going through all of this! I hope you and your mom will be able to deal with this one way or another! Unfortunately the people who are the closest to us are also the ones that can hurt us the most! Hang in there! Please let us know how it goes and what you decide to do and please keep us updated as much as you can if you want to! We DO want to know how things are going for you and your mother and how things are turning up for you and your mother! I think it's VERY admirable that you're taking care of her! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Sending many hugs to you, StreetcarBlanche!

Originally Posted by unaluna

I will vouch for her, that was not derision. It may have been a professional tone. Rose has a lot of professional and personal experience in these matters that could be very helpful.

Everyone responding here is trying to understand and to help.

My experience with an unsympathetic brother is that the children side with their parents.

What are you even talking about? You clearly didn't even read my original post.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Oh blanche the whole thing just sucks and I am sorry its so tough for you. I understand what its like to not have the financial means to take your sister on legally to help your mom.

My dad died suddenly when he was 47 and had no will. His girlfriend just started taking his stuff and doing what she wanted with it even though I was next of kin. My dad had horrible debt and no assets and I had just had a baby and had no means to take her on. I wish I had better advice to give you.

Is there any way that you can somehow "file" or "report" to the county that your sister does not have her best interests at heart? Does your mom have money somehow that your sister wants control over?

Thanks sarahsweet. That sucks that your dad died so young without creating a will to ensure you would be able to take his things afterward. Sorry to read that his girlfriend took his belongings away from you.

I will look into what my "free" options are with regard to filing reports. I know there are several other DHS forms I can fill out on behalf of my mother as the authorized drop person (I had to fill out a form to get that title).

It's basically my sister trying to take control away from me -- she's always been that way. That's always been the interpersonal dynamic between us growing up.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Does mom want to go to assisted living? My dad is very stubborn and it’s hard to make him do anything he doesn’t want to.

She finally agreed to. She can't drive b/c if she is given her car keys, she crashes her car. So now she goes into the parking garage and sits in her car and smokes. It's so bad, that if you walk near her car, you will start coughing nonstop.

I told my sister, I will do whatever it takes to get mom into assisted living before I move out July 1st. And if no spots are available by then anywhere, that my sister will be responsible for footing the bill for her groceries, and have to cook her meals and clean her apartment (she won't cook for her or clean her apartment; she has 3 kids of her own and her full time job supports her family, b/c her husband while a nice guy, can't hold down a job to save his life and they have more debt than I do).

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I don’t have any advice. Just want to say I understand how it feels, as I deal with it myself.

Uncooperative sisters, parents who want independence and no one telling them what to do. I’m watching a slow motion train wreck and my hands are tied. Hang in there, Blanche.

Thanks Tisha. It is a slow motion train wreck for sure. My sister seized control of our mother's finances shortly after our father died in the early 1990s. I just learned this from my mother yesterday. So, very scheming on her part as my sister was only 19 at the time our dad died.

My sister has POA control over my mother's bank account, is the executor of her will, pays her rent, etc. Our mother's life insurance policy is only worth $100K and I think that's the carrot for my sister -- she wants to use $90K of that to wipe out some of her family's debt, probably use the rest for recreational use after our mother passes away. I think that's why she did it -- to gain access to our mother's money.

Now she's saving my texts and emails, so she can paint a negative picture of me and have proof. I'm sure that's why she does it. So that's why I call her and record our phone conversations. Lying for my sister is as natural as breathing is.

It will take the county up to 30 days to approve or reject our mother for medical assistance coverage, which is the way she gets access to the elderly waiver, which is how she can get a reduced rent rate for assisted living.

If her application gets rejected, I will appeal it, which means a phone call with a judge and a county social worker and I will not include my sister in that phone call b/c she and I would just argue and that would open another can of worms against me.

Last resort - I tell my sister that our mother either moves in with her family, or we get one of my sister's last surviving siblings to foot some of the rent bill for an assisted living place, b/c neither her sister or brother will let her live with them in their own homes. My mom's sister is retired, and her brother is retired. They live in different states, but don't want to take care of her like I am, so they refuse to let her move to live with them.

I will tell my aunt and uncle, "fine. you can pay your sister's assisted living rent then" if her medical assistance application gets rejected and my appeal gets rejected. By July 1st, I will be moving out and hopefully this situation will be resolved by then.

As for my sister and I -- as the kids say these days, "I have zero F's to give" about her being a manipulative liar, and I want to get as far away as possible from her, although I will miss seeing her teenagers (as I know she will cut me off from their birthdays, and other holidays, now that we are estranged from each other). She is a terrible person, and I have to find a way to emotionally grieve and recover from losing my family system, which was toxic and dysfunctional to begin with. I know some celebrities have estranged themselves from their families and have built a support system of friends as family, so I will try to do that, while I go to therapy sessions to talk through this horrible experience. I made it out the other end when I estranged myself from my horrible brother, and even kept strong boundaries with my mother and sister who slammed me for it.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I don't have a lot of advice to give to you either, StreetcarBlanche, since I've never experienced this myself! Just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel and that I'm SO sorry that you going through all of this! I hope you and your mom will be able to deal with this one way or another! Unfortunately the people who are the closest to us are also the ones that can hurt us the most! Hang in there! Please let us know how it goes and what you decide to do and please keep us updated as much as you can if you want to! We DO want to know how things are going for you and your mother and how things are turning up for you and your mother! I think it's VERY admirable that you're taking care of her! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Sending many hugs to you, StreetcarBlanche!

Thanks MickeyCheeky. I appreciate your support.

[TishaBuv]

“It will take the county up to 30 days to approve or reject our mother for medical assistance coverage, which is the way she gets access to the elderly waiver, which is how she can get a reduced rent rate for assisted living.”

Is your mother of sound mind? Does she agree with you doing this? I am not even attempting to do anything on behalf of my mom because she would just fight me on it. Nope, just sitting back and watching the crash. The only solution my family wants is for ME to be the patsy by financially supporting and physically taking my mother in to live with me...but I have drawn boundaries, and this is the underlying cause of the huge falling out I had with all of them a few months ago. While we are not estranged, the relationships are no longer the same. I keep my distance. I see it for what it is now.

If the whole family truly wants what’s best for your mother, I’m sure it will all work out.

[TishaBuv]

The moment I posted above, my mom called and started on me about how her money has run out. She’s trying to play me. She is not impoverished. She just does not want to downsize her living situation and be inconvenienced.

Please forgive me distracting from you, Blanche. I just had to say this for my own sanity.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

The moment I posted above, my mom called and started on me about how her money has run out. She’s trying to play me. She is not impoverished. She just does not want to downsize her living situation and be inconvenienced.

Please forgive me distracting from you, Blanche. I just had to say this for my own sanity.

Oh boy.

Since our mom passed, dad routinely tells us that he is destitute and might have to eat cat food and if it gets to it if he can rely on our help. We routinely remind him that we will help him. We just say it to protect our sanity. Dad has 200k in the back, SS check, foreign pension check and the house, although I don’t think house is paid, and he is extremely frugal. He is NOT destitute

He also refuses to downsize. He has no need for the huge house with huge yard. Zero need. He also has no dementia. He is just being how he is. Pain in the rear end.

Your mom sounds a lot like my dad.

Oh my about streetcars mom smoking in the car. Great...NOT

[TishaBuv]

Right, eating cat food. When I was younger, there were elderly living In dilapidated hotels (that are now glamorous) and I was told they were living on cat food.

My friend’s mom had to go into assisted living and got her license revoked because she hit a police car.

Chain smoking in the car is ok compared to what else she could be doing.

I feel for you, Blanche.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

“It will take the county up to 30 days to approve or reject our mother for medical assistance coverage, which is the way she gets access to the elderly waiver, which is how she can get a reduced rent rate for assisted living.”

Is your mother of sound mind? Does she agree with you doing this? I am not even attempting to do anything on behalf of my mom because she would just fight me on it. Nope, just sitting back and watching the crash. The only solution my family wants is for ME to be the patsy by financially supporting and physically taking my mother in to live with me...but I have drawn boundaries, and this is the underlying cause of the huge falling out I had with all of them a few months ago. While we are not estranged, the relationships are no longer the same. I keep my distance. I see it for what it is now.

If the whole family truly wants what’s best for your mother, I’m sure it will all work out.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

The moment I posted above, my mom called and started on me about how her money has run out. She’s trying to play me. She is not impoverished. She just does not want to downsize her living situation and be inconvenienced.

Please forgive me distracting from you, Blanche. I just had to say this for my own sanity.

I posted this thread to seek support, not responses like these above that are judgmental and short-sighted. You clearly did not read my posts in this thread. The questions you ask are irrelevant to the situation, unless it is to judge me. You are going on ignore now.

[FooZe]

This thread is being closed for administrative review.