Marriage worse than I thought?

I’m all over the place emotionally today.

My H and I had an ugly argument this weekend. We seem to have an ugly fight about every three months.

I don’t think he’s happy with me. I tend to lose my patience and my temper sometimes. I get frustrated and I don’t handle it well.

I’ve been trying really hard to be kind, patient, give him lots of compliments, give him lots of personal space. I’ve been trying to fix my hair and makeup and bought new clothes.

He shows little interest in spending time with me. It’s been this way for years but it’s getting worse. When he does spend a day with me I am ridiculously grateful...

We have no friends or social life. We don’t do much together. He spends most of his time watching the same movies over and over. His road rage rattles my nerves so I tend to avoid going places with him and he doesn’t like my driving.

He doesn’t seem to want me around. He does buy me gifts and listen to my problems and offer good solutions. That’s really all we have left.

The other day during our ugly argument he asked me if I remembered the time I was looking at pictures on his phone and noticed many of mine had disappeared. He told me he had deleted them because he couldn’t stand the sight of me. I cried for a long time after that so then he said that was years ago and he didn’t mean it. I can’t stop thinking about it though.

There is one thing this marriage has taught me more than anything: how to be alone.

I haven’t told my H that I come to this website because he would judge me. He would see it as weak, naïve, and foolish on my part to be talking to people I don’t know about my issues. If I make friends IRL he judges them, doesn’t trust them... he seems to view it as a weakness that I want to have friends.

I don’t think I’m the only one with the problem in this marriage. I do have plenty of issues. I don’t think he wants to be with me anymore but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to go through another divorce so he tolerates me. I don’t know what I would have done without PC. Last year this time when I joined... I had spent about six weeks almost completely alone while H and I barely interacted. I had nobody to talk to. He’s happy with it that way but if I bring the issue up he says it’s my fault.

There are two sides to every story of course... thanks for listening to mine... although my H says I manipulate and twist things to suit my own purposes... This is all weighing heavy on my heart.

It’s wonderful to have found support through PC! We are here! We are here!

His comment about the photos was awful and extremely hurtful. As is other things you mentioned.

I’ve stayed in a less than ideal marriage. I’ve been really expressive about my feelings, really quite a B to him- opposite of how you are tip toe sweet. Still, what is bad is still bad.

Hopefully things can get better. Keep posting, reading the psych articles, maybe get him to counseling.

I’ve been a B at times too. I regret that. I’ve tried to apologize to him for it but he won’t acknowledge that I’ve ever apologized to him.

I go back and forth between trying really hard to giving up.

When you’ve had enough is when you’ve had enough. I basically divorced him last year and then couldn’t go through with it. Also, when you (and I) have MH issues, it’s confusing about how much is us and how much is them.

I know that you mean about not being able to go through with the divorce. I just accepted that we live like roommates most of the time.

It definitely does get confusing. We went to counseling for 1.5 years early in our marriage. And then again for a few months last year. I can always schedule more appointments but it feels like a waste of money for the counselor to recommend all these activities for us to do together and H is definitely not gonna do it. Not without making me miserable in the process and that’s just not worth it.

I am so sorry Sisabel. I have been divorced for a long time but I still distinctly remember the pain and loneliness of an unhappy marriage.

If I asked you to close your eyes and picture your idea of a happy life from now through the rest of your life, what would that look like? What would you be doing? Who would be with you?

You don't have to answer that here but I think that could be a helpful exercise for you. If you would like to share more, I'm here to listen. Life is so very precious and we don't know how long we'll have....so important to choose and create the life that we truly want.

Have you told him about how you truly feel about this marriage? Have you asked him how he feels about this marriage? If not, perhaps you could tell him what you told us here and more, then follow that up with the suggestion of couples therapy. If you think he tolerates you and simply doesn't want to go through another divorce (again, something that maybe you could tell him) then surely he might consider the idea then?

How about divorce? Neither of you seem to be happy in this relationship

If he doesn't want to try to improve the relationship.. perhaps you can force him with an ultimatum?

So yesterday he was in an unusually great mood and he was really nice. It was weird because I was prepared for moodiness and to be pushed away as usual so I had planned to keep to myself. Things can be unpredictable in my house. H can be really nice for days and maybe a few weeks.... And then for whatever reason... the distance and the grouchiness... often meanness... sets in and it usually sets in for many weeks but sometimes just days. It’s really confusing. For all I know, tonight he we will be mean and distant again.

What do you think would happen if you asked him why he acts this way?

maybe your husband is manic depressive or bipolar and never got diagnosed. That could be why you never know what mood he is going to be in and he can be in an up mood for a time and then get low and angry for a time with you.

It just sounds like you have had to live your life around "his" mood swings and you end up hybernating because anything you have tried to do with him he tends to be miserable about doing.

I think that you need to look into getting involved with other people doing something you would enjoy doing. It's not healthy for you to live like a hermit unless you are at your job working that I don't think you enjoy very much either.

When we argued the other day I told him I think he has severe depression or possibly a form of bipolar. He didn’t say anything. Over the past year I’ve been really trying to take a hard look at myself and I’ve talked to him about my own issues that I now recognize. He threw all that back in my face but wouldn’t discuss that he might have issues. Maybe he will think about it.

Your insights are accurate. I have spent a lot of time hibernating. I keep thinking he just needs me to leave him alone for a while and things will get better. But the pattern continues.

I’ve been going out a lot and doing my own thing. Trying to make new friends and I have made a few new friends. It helps me a lot. I look forward to seeing my new friends and doing my own activities. I told him this weekend that I never look forward to time with him because he’s either grumpy or wants me to go away. That didn’t go over well with him. He either blames me that we don’t spend much time together or he claims that we spend a lot of time together.

I’ve started to believe he’s got some form of bipolar or severe depression.

I do think he loves me but I also think he’s very unhappy with me and has been for a long time. I’m feel really empty inside because I don’t know how to fix this.

You can't "fix" your husband sisabel. He has to do something about himself and his own unhappiness.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with ALL OF THIS, Sisabel! I completely agree with what ALL the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! If you can't divorce from him I'd suggest to at least try to buld a life for YOURSELF! It is not fair of him to keep you at home and making you feel so alone! It wouldn't be right even if he treated you well and he's not doing that either! DEFINITELY try to make as many friends as you possibly can and to get out of your house much as you possibly CAN if you want to! You'll feel MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAT WAY! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! If he complains about it just ignore him! He has no right to tell you what you may or may NOT do! This is your OWN LIFE and you need to live it ANY WAY YOU CAN! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU MATTER! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! We'll ALL ALWAYS be here to support you as well! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Sending many hugs to you, Sisabel!

Thank you

Sorry you are struggling Sisabel. The situation sounds really tough. Perhaps your hub is struggling with a mood disorder. Another possibility you may want to screen for is whether there are signs he could be having an affair. The sudden unexplained great mood at times could be a sign of that. Though of course I don't know him. Just something you may want to think about.

Do you speak with a therapist? One you trust? Perhaps they could help you work through your side of the pain?

I know he’s not having an affair. He’s a good and honest man, I do know that much for sure.

I think it’s a mood disorder. I had never considered that he’s dealing with issues to this degree. I guess I always assume I’m the one with all the problems. I think I’ve been getting upset and trying to fix this and it’s for him to fix.

if you diplomatically raise your obs re mood swings, would he be open to going to the doctor? That's as much as any wife could do. if he says no that's his choice/boundary. Then you want to decide what you are/are not willing to tolerate in your future. Did you say this is his second marriage or I am getting mixed up?

Having bipolar myself, I don't necessarily see that all that much in what you describe. Consider too that "moods"/reactions can be used to control others, making you fall into line with what he wants. (I have personally experienced this.) He does sound rather controlling and isolating. You mention things being unpredictable and that sometimes he treats you well. That may be what they call "intermittent reinforcement". You get crumbs and hope that things will get better/return to the good times that you presumably had earlier on. Was he particularly attentive when you two started out? Have you ever read any articles or books by Shahida Arabi? I would recommend them and see if the behavior resonates with you. It's behavior that I know too well, and what you describe is similar to my experience.

Wishing you the best. Being in a lonely marriage is a terrible feeling.

Very astute points.

He might. I did bring it up to him that I’ve observed mood swings and he acknowledges the issue. Yes, we have both been divorced before and neither wants to go through it again.

Thank you for this insight. I’ll check out those readings you suggested.

It does sound like your husband has issues (don't most of us). I am sure your situation is much different than mine and wouldn't want to come to any conclusions from a few threads though I do think there is a small possibility that when others (your husband and people at work) misbehave, you tend to ask yourself--what did I do to cause them to behave this way? Many times, it has nothing to do with us. That you react is human and understandable. Plus, couples can get in negative reinforcement cycles when we don't address what is bugging us in a forthrite way (not dismissing the other person's feelings even if we disagree).

I know there are narcissists in society that cause people everywhere problems. However, in my case, as someone who has alot of anxiety and occassional paranoia (the paranoia is based on rational facts but then I let my imagination take it too far)--I have read these articles about narcissism and it has worsened my paranoia--I will even diagnose myself as a narcissist yet my children, therapists, etc will say I am the opposite of one. Most of us have a little bit of narcissism in us. I like getting my hair done, putting on makeup, wearing nice clothes, getting compliments and have terrible boundaries (both in terms of letting people violate mine and me sometimes violating theirs) so I am somewhere on the scale. People who rate a 9 or 10 in narcissism (especially if they don't temper their tendencies by adhering to a moral code) are the ones you have to go no contact with. Saying this, I want to say that I have experieced terrifying fear of some of my family members and when my anxiety calms down, I realize some of it wasn't rational. It was based on a grain of truth--my husband has followed my threads on PC many times. I was even able to get him to admit it--so there are things he does that stokes my anxiety. He has told me that many of the controlling things he has done to his family are to protect us. I think he has anxiety too and won't admit it. Sometimes he has been controlling to the point of harming us. I know his motive was that he knows best (as in what would be good and safe for us). Despite how annoying (to say the least) these behaviors are--I love him and need him.

You probably have much better judgement than I do, but for some reason, just wanted to tell you about the struggles I have had about my husband's behaviors. Most of the time, our gut tell us the truth about others unless our anxiety is so out of control that we see boogeymen around every corner.

You’re right, most of us have issues... and in most cases our issues fall somewhere on some scale or spectrum. I think it helps me to view my husband as struggling with issues in just the same way I do... or any of us here on PC do. I think that’s pretty much what you’re saying.... he does a lot of good things but his moods do negatively affect my life. But you being up a good point about whether my reaction is proportional to the actual behavior or outburst. Sometimes I’m able to ignore things and sometimes I’m not. I have long believed some of his behaviors are a bit narcissistic... but, like you, at times I have worried that I am also a narcissist. I think I have, at one time or other, worried that I have every personality disorder out there. Lol. Thank you for taking the time to post your perspective. I really appreciate it. I’ll keep working on myself... yes, when other people misbehave I automatically look to myself to be the scapegoat. I put myself in the role... gotta work on that. Thank you.