I may have made a mistake getting married

Lol. Well, I may have done both too soon, but it is what it is. I am not going to belabor over any missteps I may have made. I have to deal with what I've got.... and that is a marriage and a full-on relationship that does have some issues along with its joys. So I am looking forward.... things have been great lately, so I am very hopeful right now. I hope it remains this way!!!!

Now that's patience! Lol Hopefully you didn't take it as me not being happy about your new marriage, I think it's a wonderful thing. It's just my experience has been different, my uni environment and social media accounts have done a great job making me feel inadequate about being single. But every experience is different. Threads like these not only help the original poster but the people involved too!

And you're already doing a great job and being a good wife by your willingness to hold out hope in your relationship!

Hi golden_eve.

Just to add something to the mix for you to think about, shared finances don't need to be an issue if you are both on the same page. I was never good with money in my youth...until I 'was' good with money.... Until I learned the power it gave me living within my means, budgeting and establishing a savings plan. As you move forward together in life, this is a subject that needs nutting out at the onset, as it won't be much fun living pay cheque to pay cheque. Set some small savings goals as a couple and see what joy it can bring, and how it will enrich your lives.. But small warning, Saving can become addictive.

Thanks, D&C... no, I didn't take it the wrong way. And I know what you mean!!!! Social media can really rub it in your face when you're single and every else seems coupled up. Just remember that not everyone is truly happy. And most everyone has problems. The grass is definitely not always greener.

awww, thank you!!

Thanks Quarter Life!

He doesn't know how to even save. I have to be the one in charge of money. So I will be. It is what it is. He's very good at car maintenance and taking good care of my car, which I am not, lol.

That’s a tough one, if you’re not on the same page about money and married! You can’t stop him from opening credit cards and charging them up and you are still responsible for his debt, even if you aren’t even a user on the CC. You are responsible for all the debt he incurs while you are married and vice versa. I’m not 100% sure about these laws, but it really scares me, if your spouse can’t be trusted and isn’t on the same page.

If you are the responsible one in charge of his spending, this creates an unhealthy dynamic in the marriage, too. Now you are like his parent... not good.

You can maintain separate bank accounts if you need to. You can come up with a system for paying bills that works for you both.

It’s not trusting a spouse to not make debt and bad credit that concerns me.

If I were dating today, I’d want to do a credit and background check on my prospects! Kidding, but really not kidding.

Hi Tisha. It's not like that.

Our finances are mainly separate, with some shared expenses. He is responsible for his own debt and bills and so am I.

It's more so that he is the big spender, doesn't know how to save or budget very well, so I budget for us. I am not acting as his mother, but I do have to be firm about not accruing more debt, paying down debt and budgeting.

I have my concerns, and yes, one is financial, but we've agreed to pay down debts and he's agreed to respect my spending limits.

I really don't want to cast negativity onto my marriage at this point. I have my concerns, and one is financial, but it's under control at the moment. Overall, I do feel better than when I first started this thread.

This isn't actually abnormal to have one person who takes the lead in managing the finances. My sister in law manages my brother and her family's budget and my mom manages the budget for her and my dad. The husbands arent irresponsible and they check with the wife before major purchases. The wife in these marriages is simply the one keeping track, balancing the check book, etc. Neither my brother or father are incapable..it's just how the duties lay out.

And he may just need encouragement that he can be financially responsible, which you are giving him. A lot of people just didnt develop that skill growing up but can build it in adulthood easily with some attention to it. I'm sure you both will manage it. It doesn't sound like hes raring to make super big purchases or anything.
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Thanks Seesaw! That’s exactly how it is. I’m definitely not playing mommy for him.

I hope I didn’t upset you. I wasn’t implying anything. When my sister divorced she was shocked to learn what he had done with credit cards without her knowledge. It really stuck with me and I wanted you to be aware of the potential. I had an issue with my husband doing something financially that was very anxiety provoking for me and he really shouldn’t have done that to someone as anxious as me. But that’s been resolved now.

It all sounds promising on your end with your marriage and I am glad to hear it.

No, you didn't upset me. And thanks for your post!

I just feel it's under control now with my husband. I've made myself clear on where I stand. I don't think or anticipate that it will be a problem in the future!

I do not think having one person in charge of the money (in the saving/bill paying sense) is a bad thing. I have always had organizational issues with bill paying and money. I tried but it never quite worked out. Certain types of budgeting I am really good at. If I say I am going to spend 150$ at the grocery store I will spend 149.99$. I am good at getting the best value with % offs and coupons but remembering to pay the car insurance on time? Not so much. So my husband pays the bills and keeps me abreast of the financials when it comes to how much we have for incidentals and doctor's, etc.

thanks Sarah, for your post! Yes, this is very common!!!

" Explosive temper " = abuse. I know you hope and wish, but that doesn't " change " unless he goes deep with someone he doesn't know; a therapist. I know you can't turn back the clock, but that he exploded before getting married, that was a huge red flag. His moods can change from day to day, and how he expresses himself, and it's very common for abusive people to ' apologize ', until the next time, and there's always a next time. If you didn't ask why he won't go to counseling, then how will you tell him he has to go to individual therapy ( which is what he needs to commit to, since his temper and all that is all on him ).

Things have calmed way down. I needed support around my conflicting emotions about the commitment I made. I am aware that it is abuse. I've determined that if it continues, I may have no choice but to leave.

Keep sharing, I’m listening

Aw, thank you SO very much, Fuzzy! Warm fuzzy bear!!!!

Things are good right now! I have nothing to share or to report on....

all of my prior concerns have since dissipated. I believe he is changing for the better, given his last words to me when we last fought: this ends here... (the mean fighting, the nasty words, etc). He even referenced his past and it seems he realized he may have been repeating a negative pattern that he had with his former ex wife.

I am now very hopeful... I will keep this thread open though in case things erupt again. And hopefully it won't!!!

This sounds very hopeful I’m keeping my paws crossed for you

Thank you, my dear!!!

I'm glad things are moving in the right direction and hope they keep improving!

Thanks so much, rechu!!