I may have made a mistake getting married

The gravity of the situation has now hit ME. In knowing my limit and in knowing if it happens again it's over for me, that makes this very serious. It is most sobering. I cannot help but feel the deepest sadness.

The likelihood of him doing again what he has done several times before is pretty high. Although he promised to not do it again, change is not so easy. You may decide to tolerate some more of his bad behavior while he gradually changes for the better. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to.

Since this is a relatively not so long-term relationship and a new marriage, you may decide to end it now, and that is less painful than ending a longer marriage with children. But you also may choose to stay with a not-so perfect relationship and accept the good that you both do have.

I know how hard this is and again empathize with your conflicted feelings!

His miraculously changing shows you he knows right from wrong and is completely capable of self control.

I’m not one to talk because I’ve been gaslighted by a husband and he repeatedly does a similar dynamic with me and acts like it’s never happened before, acts like he doesn’t recognize we’ve had this exact same fight countless times!

I feel for you, Tisha, I really do.

I now understand what it's like to be in a marriage, feeling committed and wanting it to work out and to work on it. I now get it. It's far different than just being a relationship with no commitment. I take marriage vows very seriously... and I made that step, as did you.

I know you're in couples therapy. I hope it's helping. That would be most maddening to me... the gaslighting. I give you a lot of credit for continuing to work on it and for continuing to be committed.

And yes, my husband DOES know the difference between right and wrong. He held himself together for three months just before the wedding, with NO blowups and zero fighting. My therapist says that was so that he could ensure that he had me. Then the blowups started again.

GRRRRR.

When he stopped during that three month period, was it also sudden like what happened recently? Or was it a gradual decline until he eventually stopped?

Im curious as to why he suddenly stopped recently. Did you say something that you hadn't said before, like you telling him you can't continue like this any longer?

If the first time was also a sudden change, and you saying something with more gravity is what had him stop this time around, then your therapist may be onto something.

No. I made it a condition of marriage. He did not blow up at me again until literally just days before we were due to leave for the honeymoon and wedding. I could not bare with a breakup at that moment in time and went through with it, knowing it was maybe a mistake.


And now I've reminded him of that condition. I know I will have to follow through on boundaries. IF he behaves like he did the other night even one more time, I am going to be forced to leave him. The reason being, it will be clear as day to me that it is impossible to work with him and it is an impossible relationship for me.

I’m very sorry this is happening. I’ve been hoping that the two of you are going to be able to relax after all the stress of a new marriage settles down... and talk through your issues. Maybe it’s much more than that but I’ve been hoping that it’s not. I know that marriage is very hard. Even good stress brought about by positive life changes can actually cause all kinds of problems. I sincerely hope things get better.

I’m very sorry this is happening. I’ve been hoping that the two of you are going to be able to relax after all the stress of a new marriage settles down... and talk through your issues. Maybe it’s much more than that but I’ve been hoping that it’s not. I know that marriage is very hard. Even good stress brought about by positive life changes can actually cause all kinds of problems. I sincerely hope things get better.

Tonight he told me he would be lost without me. I told him he needs to follow through now with what he says. He says he's learning. Learning new ways of being, is what he meant. Now I'll see if he can follow through and stay true to his word.

It's good that he sees he needs to change his behavior. I think someone else mentioned it's a process, so you'll have to work with him, give him a chance to get himself under control. Maybe he needs an outlet, like you have PC, to voice the things that are bothering him before he vents it all at you?

Like calming down before you two talk about something, maybe he does something to let himself have his anger first, so that it's not directed at you, and then he can calmly talk to you about it? It's okay for him to feel anger, he just has to process it properly and not blow it all at you and expect you to deal with it for him,

Good for you knowing your limits and asserting your rights (in a loving manner).

The way I look at things (and I realize that my opinion might not be popular- although I think you share it), that there are things in life that we MUST do and often having to put up with unpleasantries: we must have a job to pay bills, we must provide care for minor children if we have them, we must pay rent if we are renting etc Those are “musts”.

Marriage in my opinion is not a MUST. It’s not something people have to do. One can be single and just enjoy friendships or single and date or single and live together etc etc

Since marriage isn’t something we must have, I don’t believe that we must put up with something or accept something that we don’t enjoy or allow something or even simply have less than what we want. I personally see no reason. I am not saying people must divorce after one fight or expect 100% perfection but I honestly think something close to 100% is desirable, otherwise why be married?

That’s why I am pleased to see that you want to stay if things improve and are good and you won’t put up with it if things are not right. That’s wise and logical approach.

In a meanwhile I am glad he is showing improvement. Good news!!!

"I do love him, but I have mounting concerns, some of which are financial. "

@golden_eve Ok....You may find this a "jump to conclusions' sort of thing, but, if the financial problems are on his end.....I can only tell you after 29 years that it does NOT change. I speak from VAST experience. Just recently, I had to finance ON MY OWN a house project that HE wanted because his credit is garbage. Mine is phenomenal. If he is not good with money, it doesn't get any better.
That is ALL I am going to say about that.

This response is a winner!!! I hope this isn't too off-topic we seem to live in a world where we are expected to couple up ASAP, so this is a breath of fresh air.

I didn’t get married until I was 48! Lol. I did not feel I needed to marry ASAP.

I hear you! Personally when I made my post, I didn’t mean you rushed to get married, I meant that I don’t believe people must stick around just because they got married. I don’t buy “marriage is hard and one must endure”. Doesn’t need to be hard and there is no “must endure” in my books. It’s just how I look at it.