I may have made a mistake getting married

I don't want to divulge too many details of what's happening in my marriage right now because I don't want to hear negative input that will influence me. I know people will most likely tell me to leave him IF I do relate all the details..

I need to work this out for myself, & suffice it to say, I've been questioning whether it will last.... and we JUST got married only a few weeks ago!

We've been having many problems, some of which I knew and saw, some of which I am only seeing now. The thought of having to end this sooner than later made me beyond depressed and suicidal feeling the other day.

I am posting this simply to have people respond with support around my conflicting emotions and confusion.

I do love him, but I have mounting concerns, some of which are financial.

We also have had some bad fights, just before the wedding, during the honeymoon and after the honeymoon.

He has anger problems and can be explosive. He will not admit to this, but he has a very bad temper.

He will NOT go to a counselor. He says that IF that comes up, then that means the relationship is over.

I know that what that is really about. He doesn't want a counselor telling him that he in is the wrong. He is very defensive and cannot be in the wrong. He DOES apologize when he hurts my feelings and CAN take some amount of ownership when I tell him so.

I don't know how I feel, I really don't. I DO love him and want it to work out, but then I see the mounting concerns and problems and I feel very pessimistic about it.

There's a LOT at stake if I leave him. A LOT. I would lose my whole social network that we both share, and a lot more than that. And I know I need to grapple with those issues...

This is a process. We just got married. I am not willing to pull the plug that quickly.

But I knew before the wedding that I had serious concerns..... and I went through with it anyways. I could not deal with a breakup right then and there. And I knew just before the ceremony while we were fighting that it was maybe a mistake.

What's worse is I am not talking to family about it. Only a couple of girlfriends. I am not letting many people into this situation, again because I don't want to be influenced.

There are good things too and he can be most loving and endearing a lot of the time, but the concerns are big and valid, especially when it comes to finances.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Many times, when I have posted things about my husband, it became obvious that he was following my threads. If you spend a lot of time together with your husband and on this website, the same thing may happen to you. Relationships are fluid and complex plus, even though we are "anonymous" on here, perhaps we are not. My POV is that you and I are so open that IRL who know us, if they were to run across our threads, would know us by our story, therefore, posting intimate details about our lives is not anonymous. Take care of yourself Golden Eve, I understand what it is like to love a person who can also be very challenging. The thing is, I can also be very challenging to deal with.

Definitely get a marriage counselor involved. Even if it's just for your sake, if your husband won't attend therapy sessions with you. A marriage and family therapist will help you.

Oh eve that really sucks. I wont tell you to automatically leave him- I am not you and I do not know what you are feeling. If my husband acted like that to me, I cant say I would immediately leave him either. In some ways I admire you for not bailing right away. I believe marriage vows, whether they are religious or not are important. I do not think you are stupid for wanting it to work or trying to make it work. I can say this though: I believe that in order to make anything work you need to work on eve. She needs to figure out how she wants to act and be in order to have harmony. She needs to work out her feelings in order to assess them with her husband. Now, that very well may mean marriage counseling and only you can decide if his refusal is acceptable.

Thank you all. I do have a therapist who is helping me work through this. I will not go see a marriage counselor by myself. A relationship takes the work of two people. I will not shoulder that burden by myself. If at some point it comes down to me saying we really need a couples therapist and he then says it’s over, then he’s clearly not willing to look at himself or work on himself and it is over in that case. We just got married anyways so we’re not at the point where I feel a couples counselor should be involved.

I just got to work so I need to be brief. I will write more later.. I really appreciate all your replies and support around this. Hugs.

Marriages are certainly NEVER easy, golden_eve, and I'm so sorry that you're going through ALL OF THIS! I won't tell you what you need to do since I DO believe that you're mature enough to decide by yourself! Not to mention all the other wise, wonderful posters have already gave you some WISE, WONDERFUL ADVICE! I WILL tell you that I'm here for you though and so is EVERYONE ELSE! You're very much loved here and I hope that shows! Whathever you decide please don't neglect yourself! You don't need to make a decision right away! Take ALL THE TIME YOU NEED to decide what the next step will be! We'll be here for you so rest assured on that! Even if you just want support we'll ALWAYS be here for you and WE'LL NEVER JUDGE YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I hope things will get better soon for you and your husband one way or another! I WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST OF LUCK! You're BOTH in my thoughts and prayers! I WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST OF LUCK! Please keep us updated on your situation if you can and want to, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! THAT'S' TRUE! I HOPE THINGS WILL GET BETTER SOON FOR YOU BOTH ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE! Sending many AWESOME, kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU BOTH, GOLDEN_EVE, JUST LIKE YOU BOTH ARE!

Awwww thanks Mickey!! Ur so sweet!

Oh and Sarah, yes I value my vows very much! Ty for ur kind reply... and for ur understanding.

Thank you all for your kind replies... still can’t reply properly since I’m at work.

I think I am blaming myself. I saw red flags early on. Yet I still gave him a chance. He pushed things with me. And I let him, even though I tried to slow it way down. We moved in far too fast basically out of necessity. It brought our relationship to a more committed level far too soon. He pushed marriage early. I let him woo me though I still tried to put the breaks on. I told him, wait six months and see if u still feel the same way. He wanted to get married as soon as possible. I allowed him to push me. It’s all my own fault. I wrote about my concerns early on in my journal. But I still allowed this to happen despite everything and despite red flags. I wanted marriage too. I’m so stupid. I feel stupid. I should have known better. What gets me the most? I had prayed to god saying “please send me the man who will marry me. You know what I need so I leave it up to u”. The very next man I met was my soon to be husband who wanted to marry me.

Just something that I was wondering: what reasons does he give for being so opposed to counseling/therapy?

I just saw your recent post. Please, try not to be so hard on yourself. It is very common to fully recognize the red flags for what they are only in hindsight. It sounds like he went heavy with the charm offensive and pressure to marry. You are far from the first person who has been caught up in the excitement of that.

Since he doesn't want counseling, how effective is just talking through things and working on them together with him? That seems to be the main option if you do want to try and work things out.

Very good question! I never asked.

Thanks Rechu. He’s not a good communicator. Which is why it’s so difficult... he doesn’t talk issues through well. He puts up roadblocks and either becomes angry and feels I am attacking him, or he says he won’t talk about it.

((((((( Eve )))))))

I empathize with your conflicted feelings. I have no advice except to suggest not thinking of it as a mistake regardless of what happens.

This...(see your quote above)

What do you consider negative input? Lots of red flags before you got married but you didn't want to hear 'negative input'. People have different opinions but if those opinions differ from your own opinion...it doesn't make them automatically negative. Just my two cents...

Please don’t try to start something. I made it very clear. I am NOT looking for constructive criticism. Thank u to the others who are supportive.

Inevitably there’s always one antagonistic person on every thread.

Sometimes people don’t want to share details because they don’t want to be influenced either way. It’s not necessarily not wanting to hear negative opinions.

Overly positive opinions could be useless too

I once was in a relationship with alcoholic. But when I shared with people I got responses from my then therapist and my family: just because you don’t drink it doesn’t mean others can’t enjoy it, just because we don’t drink much in our cultures it doesn’t mean other cultures can’t enjoy it, if he can keep high profile job then he isn’t a drunk, what do you care if he drinks. Etc etc I stayed longer than I should because I thought I just had unrealistic expectations of other people’s drinking. So I ignore one of my normal deal breakers and went along with it because I listened to others and assumed it’s no big deal.

Sometimes listening to yourself is more important. It’s also important to have clear deal breakers versus some maybe less than stellar things but you can tolerate them. Not every red flag is a deal breaker.

I’d not remain in relationship in hopes someone changes. Life is too short to waste it in hopes someone changes. But I’d look into deal breakers. If some things are unpleasant for you but aren’t deal breakers then you can see if you can
Accept them. That’s very individual. That’s why it doesn’t matter what we think. Our deal breakers are different from yours

Unless you are in danger there is no need to leave right now. Just look into what you can live with (protect your finances in a meanwhile)

Your post has been reported to mods.

If people cannot be supportive on here, which the majority of people have been, I will be forced to close this thread. I HUGELY appreciate everyone's support and replies. Thank you so very much for being kind and nurturing, which is what I was seeking.

Thanks Divine.

Very wise words! That's exactly what I am looking to accomplish: listening to myself and figuring out how I feel with support along the way. I am in a process... it is a process. Now I am re-evaluating, based on the incidents lately.

That makes perfect sense. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know you are committed. I hope he will come around and be equally-committed to making things better.

Thank you, ennie!

I AM committed. I mean, I go back and forth all the time, but I am still committed to seeing it through. Some days I think there's no way this can work, and other days I feel it can. I am so on the fence, that's why I need to give it a lot more time.

Most certainly you should give it more time and see how things go.

Yes, more time is needed. I just needed support while I figure it out. I have trouble sorting out my feelings. I used to shove them down years ago with an eating disorder. I am trying hard to just figure out my boundaries & limits, the deal breakers, as you put it, where I stand on various issues, and how I truly feel.