Tell Me If You Think This is Unfair ...

I've been on vacation in Asia for about a week (won't say where), and decided to reach out to a friend who I have not seen in over 13 years. In the past, I have always talked about visiting, but have never had the chance until now. I have not visited my mother's homeland for about 13 years, however, and this would have been a good opportunity to visit each other and reconnect. The city we are in is HUGE, almost 8 million people with many sights, tons of delicious food and endless shopping and attractions.

I am not familiar with the roads or directions here (although I speak the language), but I have my sister to help out, and we have been going everywhere around town together. I also have her two daughters with us, 11 years and 8 years. The four of us together plus our aunt and her adult son (our cousin) makes 4 adults and 2 kids. I wouldn't wander around town alone, or go anywhere by myself even if it was safe, especially since I have not been here in over a decade. On the days that my aunt and cousin are free, they take us around town. We go as a family, eat together, sight-see, and go shopping.

I asked my friend if we could meet close to my aunt's house at a local shopping mall about 15 minutes away (without traffic) because it would be easier especially because we have kids. Traffic is horrible here and since my group is bigger than my friend's group, it is easier to go a shorter distance with traffic and have my friend meet us there (she would be alone).

Originally, I was going to meet near my friend's place, but with my group being so large, it would be almost 4 hours, TO AND FROM, home to commute, which would be tiring for all of us. I asked my friend if we could change to meet closer to my aunt's place. However, this friend would not change plans because it was "not easy for her and she has to travel more than 2 hours total to go home". I flew over 5000+ miles from the United States, arranged some time to meet up with her, the first time in over 13 years! I initiated our meeting and made the effort, which I could have easily blown off and forgotten about. This is her hometown and I think the least that she could do is meet me closer to where I am. I don't come to Asia often, nor do I live in the same city. I got so annoyed that I refused to make other plans or rearrange for another meeting. Do you think what she did was unfair? Or am I overreacting?

It's unusual for someone to act that way in our culture. Usually, she would be the one who would be okay with meeting me anywhere especially since I don't know the area. :shrug: I don't know... just really annoyed.

I understand your frustration, rukspc. No, I don't think it is unfair of you to ask something like that. Perhaps you can try to explain your friend your situation and WHY are you unable to move to a closer place for your meeting if you haven't already. Hopefully she'll understand if you explain to her. If she doesn't then acknowledge that you've done EVERYTHING you could but that she needs to make a little effort as well. Try to talk things with her and see how it goes from there if you want to. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, rukspc, and to your family!

You don't have to make any further arrangement with her, since you have limited time there and lots to do, as well as other people to consider.

It's okay to be momentarily angry, but just don't let it ruin your entire trip.

I wouldn’t label anyone as unfair, I would just say that unfortunately, due to the extensive travel involved, this specific proposed meeting did not work out.

How much contact have you had with her over the years?

If you have been close with her, maybe it would be worth trying to salvage this rare opportunity to see her. But hours of travel each way are a burden for almost any busy person, and maybe it just can’t be done.

I can see both sides. I would be annoyed that my friend didn't want to travel two hours to meet me after I'd come all the way from the US. At the same time, if I make plans to see someone one on one near my home and they change those plans so that I am now driving two hours and hanging out with their family, I'd be annoyed at that too - though it sounds like there's a different cultural expectation over there. I hope you guys can find some kind of middle ground and visit with each other. Maybe there's somewhere that's one hour away from both of you that you could safely get to on your own?

I really don't know, I do see both sides but I feel I can relate more to her point of view. I suppose timings do make a difference as well. Originally the plan was to go to hers so it went from going to her to now she has to travel hours, which is unexpected time and expenses. And although she doesn't have children that is still a very long way! For anyone to go, and by herself, I would still be concerned about safety. I live in London and if someone said they were coming to visit, but then said actually can I come to meet them in Birmingham, as much as they are in the same country I would still consider that person unrealisticly far away and in an area I'm not familiar with either.
But how long was this meeting planned? Well in advance or just recently or quite short notice? And when did the plan change? Either way you both tried to get together but couldn't this time, hopefully there will be another time with better planning

do you want to see her because you are near her now? how important is it? if it's important then drive and go.

if it's not then don't.

if you are too pissed off and caught in the anger of the issue then forget it and pretty much assume that this will carry over into all future aspects of the relationship and eventually be the root of ending it (I came all the way over to your country and you couldn't even do this for me????)

balls in your court. but it seems like you already made the decision since you decided not to make any other plans.