[hvert]

Two things have happened recently that make me wonder why some people just seem to be excluded while others seem (to me) to carry a popular gene.

Someone very close to me has been going to an event for two years. They haven't made a lot of friends but are on friendly terms with people. They recently introduced an acquaintance to this group and last night that person was invited to a party in front of them - and they weren't invited. Ouch!

This kind of thing happens to me too. Part of it is the group, I'm sure, but it is really hard not to self-blame. It makes you paranoid that you are giving off some vibe you aren't even aware of.

[TunedOut]

Well, it has been a while since I viewed one, but there are Youtube videos that give advice on how to be popular. Most of the suggestions probably don't work (because we would have to feel comfortable with what they are proposing) but I think I recall one that said, it is important to look accessable. Friendly open posture, smile, etc. I do recall that when I was younger, if I felt relaxed and in a good mood--that is when I can connect with people. When we are feeling anxious or depressed, I think it is much harder. I also think it helps to "know" yourself and accept yourself. An example of knowing and accepting would be--I know I can't dance but am willing to dance anyways when I am in an happy, outgoing mood. Sometimes if we are comfortable but not the "best", it can actually make us more approachable if we aren't out there dancing like we think we are the best dancer but we are oh so not. If that makes sense. The connection I had with one of my best hs gfs was all about us laughing at ourselves about things we tried and failed! The thing is, we kept trying and when we figured out it wasn't for us, we tried other things. Our friendship was about doing things together in order to boost each others confidence and even when it didn't work out, it was fun trying new things together/the memories are funny. Also, my gf and I were not part of the popular crowd in hs and I had no self confidence in regards to talking with boys in hs--so funny because many of them that I didn't approach much were as nerdy as we were.

Sometimes being popular is not the way to go (it can be a lot of work, it's hard to study or go to work everyday and party at the same time, or as adults being popular would mean that our calendar would always be full making it harder to sleep in or do other unplanned things):

Everybody Wants You - Billy Squier Lyrics

[MickeyCheeky]

That's a good question, hvert! I believe some people just have better social skills or are able to send good "vibes" to other people whether they realize it or not! This may be due to various factors but I believe experience is a key factor for example. Of course like you and TunedOut have already wisely said better than I ever could it also depends on what kind of people we're talking about. Some people value good-looking people, others funny people, others smart people, others kind people, others social people and so on. I'd suggest to just find your people ang go on with it! It's ok not to be popular with certain people. Not everyone is going to like everyone else. That doesn't mean that there's ANYTHING wrong with you, it just means that those people you're seeing value other factors probably. I hope that person that didn't got invited didn't get hurt too much! Just be near him/her and provide support if you can. Sometimes surrounding ourselves with the people who are the closest to us can be VERY rewarding and much more meaningful than going to parties and such. That's just my opinion anyway. I understand wanting to be popular among people though! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, hvert, and to ALL the people you love and who love you!

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I believe some people just have better social skills or are able to send good "vibes" to other people whether they realize it or not!...... Some people value good-looking people, others funny people, others smart people, others kind people, others social people and so on. I'd suggest to just find your people ang go on with it! It's ok not to be popular with certain people. Not everyone is going to like everyone else. That doesn't mean that there's ANYTHING wrong with you, it just means that those people you're seeing value other factors probably. I hope that person that didn't got invited didn't get hurt too much! Just be near him/her and provide support if you can. Sometimes surrounding ourselves with the people who are the closest to us can be VERY rewarding and much more meaningful than going to parties and such. :

[hvert]

Likability is something I've been thinking about lately. My father made a lot of effort to be popular and the life of the party. He was successful with it. For him, it seemed like a job. It was very intentional and he put a lot of effort into it. From where I was sitting, however, he seemed to dislike almost everyone he came in contact with. He never had a good word to say about anyone in private, no matter how flattering he was in public. Because I grew up watching that, I feel like there's fraud involved in being popular. Rationally, this is probably not true, but it's an emotional or instinctual belief that's hard to shake.

TunedOut, you make a good point about it being easier if we are comfortable but also not the best. That makes a person much more approachable. And Mickey, the 'good vibes' seem key also, but I can't figure out why some people seem to have them and others don't. Like my father and this acquaintance I'm thinking of are both big on flattery. Effusive and over the top in my opinion, but again, that is probably because I'm jaded and cynical. The person who didn't get invited told me that he had complimented someone and the person just glared at him. I can think of another person who seems to give off negative vibes because no one wants to hear him compliment their performance either, even though he's quite accomplished.
These are all performers so that's why there are compliments involved.

So what's the difference? How come some compliments are well received and others aren't? The two 'popular' people accompany their compliments with pats on the back or hugs. The two unpopular people I'm thinking of give more serious compliments. Not that the are saying anything complicated, but their delivery is somewhat grave (which goes to TunedOut's point about the importance of a friendly affect). Actually, I had someone I didn't know well give me a serious compliment once and it weirded me out, so maybe the over the top compliments are just easier to handle. Maybe those compliments are more like 'how are you,' just something you say in the course of a day.

Originally Posted by hvert

Two things have happened recently that make me wonder why some people just seem to be excluded while others seem (to me) to carry a popular gene.

Extraversion and social skills, basically. You can learn better social skills. Some people have a natural talent for it, true, but they're usually people who deeply enjoy being around people all the time. And not just being around people, but also entertaining them. Consequently, their social skills improve greatly over time simply because they get a lot of practice.

As a trade-off, people who are that extraverted constantly need to be around people. I had a friend who would come to work sometimes 3 hours early and sit in the break room because he didn't like being at his apartment alone.

[hvert]

OMG, you just reminded me that when I was a teenager, I would go hang out at the store I used to work at to socialize with my former coworkers. Now I want hours of alone time the way a thirsty person wants water.

[Rose76]

If you flip through a history book, you can find absolutely horrid individuals who managed to attract quite a following. That tells me that being popular may have little to do with a person's intrinsic value as a decent human being.

Originally Posted by hvert

They recently introduced an acquaintance to this group and last night that person was invited to a party in front of them - and they weren't invited. Ouch!

Being popular and being liked are not always the same thing. Some people are just popular because of looks, status, etc. Who knows, that acquaintance may have been invited because of something he or she can offer (discounts, connections, etc.)

An introvert may have many people like her. People may even want to invite her to parties but because of her quiet disposition, they may assume that "she's not into party environment."

Originally Posted by Rose76

If you flip through a history book, you can find absolutely horrid individuals who managed to attract quite a following. That tells me that being popular may have little to do with a person's intrinsic value as a decent human being.

I agree. I've seen many popular people who know how to play the "politics" in work and various social environments. They are not necessarily sincere all the time.

I also know a few popular people who are sincere. But they are popular among their long time friends rather than try too hard to leave a strong first impression on strangers.

It is a really good question. I struggle with it every day.

To me it seems like popular people go along to get along. They never offer resistance. They do what other people want... pretty much always. They never take offense at anything and never noticed that they are treated different. Sort of like a dog.

To the extent that you do look out for yourself or do what you want or offer any resistance... you are not liked.

At one point I read something that I am not sure about, essentially it says that the bacteria in our gut is unique and if your bacteria poses a threat to someone else's bacteria... the bacteria tells your brain to get away. Maybe what they mean by a "gut feeling"

[divine1966]

In my opinion sometimes it boils down to social skills. People who complain a lot or are always negative or “know it all” or brag or bring up weird topics or interrupt others etc are usually not connecting with others that well. People do want to keep their distance.

[WishfulThinker66]

Extroversion, social skills, and circumstance all lead to popularity. I don't believe you can have popularity without all three combined.

Some of these you do have control over: that of social skills and circumstance.

Circumstances includes having things in common with those you wish to be friendly with. Without common experiences, likes, and dislikes, you just aren't going to connect. So, like social skills, one needs to learn what interests and motivates others in order to converse successfully. You can learn and gain similar experiences. You can learn common interests and form opinions with which your can hold conversations about. Even an opposite opinion to others is something to converse about. I hate to say it, but appearances play a big part in circumstance. Frankly speaking you need to look the part. That means being presentable in somewhat current acceptable fashion. Having a 'out there' or 'different' appearance in my own experience can push people away from you. You then need to not only fit in when it comes to speaking but fit in with appearance too. Does any of this ring a bell or true to you?

Social Skills and Communication: these can be learnt. As I always say, observe, Observe, OBSERVE. What makes other people successful where you are not? What manners of communication do they possess; in particular, non-verbal like body language. Now observe what isn't working for you.

As for extroversion, you either are or aren't. However, you can mask introversion with effort. I myself am actually quite introverted but I wear a mask of extroversion. You might say it is a defensive action for me. For, if I present myself as confident people won't treat me with ill will or even bully me. So I make an effort. It helps to use people's names as soon as you can. I start off conversations then with forcing myself to introduce myself and get that name from the other. It breaks the ice and I think puts everyone else at ease. Then comes the conversation which hopefully, as I have worked at it, I can carry myself through. Being a talker is far more attractive to someone than being with someone who isn't.

I say you need to take the bull by the horns and be an active participant in that which is going on.

[hvert]

Oooh, I am going to google that bacteria thing! I've been thinking about this more and don't think I'll come to any conclusions. There's a lot at play. Social skills, the group dynamic, introversion vs. extroversion - it all plays a part. Wishful, what you posted about masking introversion is what I do - I think. I know I am an introvert but I also love talking to other people. I dread social encounters but have fun anyway. I do tend to be quiet around people I don't know and find that makes me popular because people who like to talk glom onto me

When I made the post, I was unhappy about a specific incident where someone got invited to something and someone else was excluded. The person who was invited was introduced to the group by the person who was excluded which just makes it so much worse. I just don't get it - the excluded person has been saying all the right things, being friendly, actively participating etc - but they are still excluded and not accepted into this particular group. I just can't see what the individual is doing wrong. It's most likely a combination of age and gender, I suppose.