It's happened three different times with three different women, whereby it's "all them" and not him, he says.

They each have flirted with him, or what I call flirting, he does engage with them, yet he claims it's not flirting and that he's not flirting with them.

I don't know what to believe. My gut (or is it fear?) tells me he is enjoying the attention they give and that he's not respecting my desire for him to show stronger boundaries.

In my mind, I sense that these women ARE flirting with him. They're coming up to him to chat and laugh, and never to me.

We had an argument about it this morning, and now we're not talking.

Immaturely I told him, fine, if you cannot respect my desires for you to not engage with these women, then I will hug and say hello to that man who came onto me that one time. See how you feel. That's what I said.

I know it's immature, but honestly, I am tired of this.

I want him to ignore & dismiss the women who show him attention, just as I ignore all men who show me attention. Is that fair?

He claims it's rude to ignore anyone because they are part of our friends group. But I don't think it's respectful towards ME.

We're at an impasse right now on this. He says I cannot control what he does or whom he talks to. So my response is to say, well, I'll do the same as you, and let's see how YOU feel.

Now I'm right back to thinking this marriage cannot work.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, golden_eve He says that he can't control whom he talks to but that's not true. He CAN decide whom to speak to. I agree that he's crossing some of your boundaries. Can you try to talk to him again but this time more calmly? Sometimes in the heat of the argument we can't discuss properly. Try to talk to him and make him understand that it is bothering you and that you need to work on this together. I won't tell you whether you have to continue this marriage or not since that is a REALLY important decision that only YOU can make. Just see if you can talk things through with him. Marriages can be hard sometimes. Wishing you, peace, hope, love and a bright future whathever your decision will be, golden_eve

[divine1966]

Trust your guts. If you feel he is flirting, then he is flirting.

Saying that some people, both men and women, flirt. It doesn’t mean they cheat or are bad people. It’s just how they operate I guess, enjoying attention or is just their communication style.

I wonder if he is the same with men, I don’t mean flirting but constantly talking to everybody? Could be his extroverted nature?

But then again if your guts tell you otherwise, you are likely right. It all depends on what you can live with and how much you are bothered by it. That’s true you can’t really control what he does but you don’t have to allow what’s unacceptable for you either.

See if you two can sit down and discuss it peacefully and lovingly again when it calms down a bit. Focus on how it makes YOU feel and how you feel hurt. Not as much on what he does wrong .

My husband usually responds favorably if I tell him something “upsets” me versus telling him something he does “grates on my nerves, pisses me off” etc .

[Open Eyes]

We're at an impasse right now on this. He says I cannot control what he does or whom he talks to. So my response is to say, well, I'll do the same as you, and let's see how YOU feel.

As soon as the conversation turns into statements about "control", it's going in the wrong direction. Instead the conversation needs to be about "respect". A loving healthy relationship is that of RESPECTING each other, not some battle for who should have control. It needs to be about respecting each other and respecting the relationship you have with each other. That is what committing to a marriage is all about, loving and respecting each other and he needs to control his own behaviors out of respect.

From what you have shared about him, he was exposed to a parent (father) that yelled and had tantrums, and his brother fails to respect and that's what happened in his last failed relationship. What he needs to learn about is respect as it sounds like no one helped him with that.

Often the root problem in so many relationships (including my own) is the lack of understanding respect and how that is what keeps a relationship in balance.

Thanks everyone. I agree about control and respect.

Yes he is extroverted and very social, much more than me. I am a bit of a hermit, I’m more quiet, I prefer smaller groups and I have fewer friends.

He keeps insisting he doesn’t flirt. I don’t know if it’s my gut or my fears talking. I’ve been cheated on several times in the past so it’s hard to know which it is.

I don’t even know anymore. I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know what’s really going on. Is he flirting and enjoying the attention or is it as innocent as he makes it sound?

I think I’m going to have to step back and observe him. Not watch him like a hawk but just observe and see if what I think is actually real.

[divine1966]

I’d focus on how it makes you feel. It doesn’t really matter what he is doing in my opinion. How you feel is more important. Some people would not care if their significant other flirts. Someone on here posted they wouldn’t care if their partner is having sex talks online. Some might be fine with partners sleeping around.

Seriously it doesn’t matter what people do.. In my opinion what matters is how their actions make you feel. He might not be flirting. But what he does bothers you, so that matters.

You're absolutely right. Now I just need to figure out how I feel... ugh.

[avlady]

I used to flirt a lot in my teens and 20's. I learned it is a thin line to flirt as I did learn to respect after I got married. I saw it as something all men and women do, but I was wrong. I hurt my husband before we were married to the point of almost not making it to the alter. I do love my husband for 24 years of marriage now and don't find the need to flirt as I know i'm loved and taken care of.

Thanks....

Now he’s upset because I “questioned his integrity”. We’re not having a good day.

We’ve practically argued all day about this. I don’t know what to do. He insists he’s not flirting.

[divine1966]

I can’t tell how you feel but maybe you feel unsettled? Not fully content? Not 100% secure in your role in his life?

Tell your guy you don’t think he is being dishonest or unfaithful but some of his unintentional behaviors make you feel insecure and unsettled.

That’s not a bad idea. Although we talked it to death today and agreed not to talk about it anymore. Ugh. I just want to go to bed.

[sarahsweets]

Oh Eve! I am sorry for this... Lets pretend he is 100% flirting. How does that make you feel and why?

[rechu]

I can be kind of a flirt, always have been. Once I was probably flirting too much. My husband mentioned it and said he was kind of hurt by it. To be honest, I hadn't realized that he was bothered, and I was glad he told me. I have kept that in mind going forward, because I don't want to be hurtful toward him, and I've toned it down.

I agree with divine. How it makes you feel is important here. I'm sorry he doesn't seem to see it that way.

I don’t think he is one. He swears it’s not what he does.

[Icedgem]

Sounds like a tough situation, sorry you're going through this.

I think him flirting is a matter of opinion. Doesn't mean he will cheat. Flirting isnt as black and white as cheating. I think in every relationship both people have an understanding of what is and what isn't cheating. My friend is married and goes out and hooks up with girls. Her husband is fine with it as that's not cheating to them.

Whatever is happening, his actions are upsetting you so as others have suggested, explain how it makes you feel and try and hold your tongue. It's very easy to start getting into a back and fourth.. you did this so I'll do that and see how you feel then etc. Yes it might make you feel better to vent it out at him but won't solve anything in the long run

I hope you're ok

Thank you, @Icedgem. Yes, it is tough, and I really cannot tell. He IS very friendly to everyone, and I think women DO flirt with HIM. I am going to observe his actions from now on to see if what I felt is real or not. I thought he was flirting, but I could have been wrong. He swears he doesn't flirt. SO.... his actions need to match his words. If he doesn't flirt, then I shouldn't think or feel that he is. So I will watch and see.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I'm wondering if this is more about your own social insecurities as compared to his ease and outgoing personality socially. What is simply chatting and laughing and being friendly with his friends to him comes off to you as flirting, but it may not be flirting at all, at least not at any conscious level. It may just be extroverted friendliness, something you aren't personally comfortable doing. It's also quite possible women might flirt with him whether or not he does so himself.

1. Is he faithful and respectful to you in your marriage? (I don't know the background). Or is there a pattern of disrespect and thus your doubts about his intentions?

2. When you discuss this again, you need to focus on YOUR reaction to seeing behaviors that you perceive as flirting. If you just accuse him of flirting, particularly if that really isn't what he is doing, you are going to hit a brick wall.

3. What specific behaviors do you interpret as flirting? Can you describe what you are interpreting as flirting to him in such a way as to not be accusatory, but rather, focus on your perception? Some of this may be your own social insecurities since you describe yourself as introverted. You married an extroverted, social being. At some point you have to learn to love that extrovert and accept his personality will not be the same as yours, nor can you force him to ignore people which would go against his personality. His comfortableness with people, including women, does not necessarily mean he is being in any way unfaithful to you, and it is important to understand the distinction.

Reciprocally, IF you can have a conversation about your OWN discomfort with certain situations, perhaps he can become somewhat more cognizant of those situations and tone it down a bit. Consider asking him to consider what is going on and monitor those situations a bit on his end. If it is women flirting with him, he may be clueless (some men just are) or it simply doesn't bother him because he has his own way of just getting through the social situation without hanging on to it (the way you do because your personality is different from his).

Remember though, when you get married, you don't give up your "self" to become one; that's all hokey, unrealistic, marriage folklore. To expect a spouse to change their own personality to fit your own personality (his yours or yours his), isn't going to happen. Part of being married is finding some give and take (on both sides) and learning to communicate your own feelings without resorting to blaming and shaming and demanding.

It's work.

My husband is extremely good looking, always kind, and pretty socially at ease. Women have always flirted with him. Personally, I just tease him about it because I have no concern that he would ever actually act on any of their flirtations. He's pretty open with me about those women and just kind of rolls his eyes about it. My husband claims men flirt with me a great deal. I think I'm one of those clueless people who doesn't actually see it happening; it's like I don't have a flirting radar. LOL! So I just roll my eyes at my husband when he mentions it. He finds it rather amusing actually. The point is, neither of us get bent out of shape about flirting, real or perceived, because the bottom line is we are very secure about "us".

[divine1966]

Good points Artley.

But I have to say that one can be socially very outgoing and extra friendly yet not flirty. I am very social and extroverted but I do not flirt at all and no one would accuse me of it. Many social people aren’t flirty.

That’s why I thought it would be wise to observe if he is exact same way with men and women. If not, then there is an issue.

I think if flirting is not an issue then another issue could be that husband not putting stop to some things. He has no problem expressing his opinions to his wife but somehow can’t say “no” to other people.

Some examples golden had in the past were questionable like a woman ran hands through his hair right in front of golden and I don’t think he did anything about it. Or Golden’s ex shared with him how he secretly watched porn when he was with golden. Again husband just stands there. Why is he allowing disrespectful things like that?

Insecurity could be an issue of course. I don’t think Golden’s insecurity is an issue with these particular behaviors though. I am not insecure when it comes to my husband at all but I’d be livid in these situations. Just inappropriate behaviors that her husband shouldn’t be ok with.

Now if this husband was extremely mild mannered and not confrontational maybe I could see how he just stands there when women flirt or guys say crap. But he is plenty confrontational and is quite demanding with his wife!

I am not saying he is flirting but I don’t think Golden’s insecurity is the reason for her feeling anxious about all this.

Something about his lack of respect for her is bothersome. Not saying he can’t improve of course.

That’s why I think it’s important to keep telling him how it makes her feel. I previously suggested to focus not on what he does but how SHE feels. Her feelings are valid here.

He’s had a pattern of disrespectful behavior in the past. I don’t fully trust him right now. He has to prove himself to me all over again (long story). It’s not a matter of me being insecure or socially introverted. I’m actually quite sociable myself. He does not exhibit strong boundaries when women come up to him.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

He’s had a pattern of disrespectful behavior in the past. I don’t fully trust him right now. He has to prove himself to me all over again (long story). It’s not a matter of me being insecure or socially introverted. I’m actually quite sociable myself. He does not exhibit strong boundaries when women come up to him.

You have a great great insight. Good for you not being just naively trusting and just allowing anything without giving it serious consideration. I don’t buy it that you are insecure and he is just social. There is more to it. BUT he could improve as he improved other aspects of relationship.

Thanks Divine. Yeah it’s not a matter of me being insecure. He has poor boundaries. With me he does too.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Thanks Divine. Yeah it’s not a matter of me being insecure. He has poor boundaries. With me he does too.

Work in progress. He has to learn. We all learn in life.

[saidso]

That's interesting about boundaries. I've had a man coming into the house to do work who has poor boundaries. His behaviour gives me the exact same feeling as reading Golden Eve's posts on this thread gave me.
This guy is going through a relationship breakup and tries to flirt, throws out invitations as if we are friends, doesn't keep arrangements.

Bugs the hell out of my own boundary-enforcing issues.

Another similarity is that on one level he is confident, but that confidence seems to be built on shaky foundations! Work required in being "responsible" without feeling a loss of freedom!

Well, me and my husband are very much together and are bonded together. There's a big difference between that and someone with loose boundaries who is going through a breakup.

My husband and I have had several subsequent conversations about this topic. I am more confident that he will be aware of a woman trying to flirt with him and how I may feel about it. He has promised me that IF that happens, he will shut it down quickly and will keep his distance.