[Jigglypuff]

Hi all, It's been a while since I last posted anything here. Not much has changed really in all that time either. Everything is still the same just as it always has been, except that I get p*ssed off more frequently and have much less time for other people.
This post is really about my complete lack of relationships i.e. zero. I am just past the age of 29 and never had any kind of relationship whatsoever. I have always been very shy and I grew up hiding from everyone all the time. In essence I am invisible. No one ever notices me, even when I want them to. It is just that as I get older my chances of ever meeting a partner or even anyone is completely remote. I just can't see it happening. I can see myself living out the rest of my life as lonely as it always has been. But I can't stand that. I don't want to be alone.
Not so long ago there was someone that was interested in me but I wasn't interested them which is a complete U turn from the normal. At the time I felt I should let her down and not to take things further which was difficult to do and I don't know if I did it right. I know she ended up crying and I did as well only after leaving her. I knew how she felt about me but unfortunately I didn't feel the same about her. I felt really bad about it as well. I sometimes wonder if I should have just gone into a "relationship" with her even though I wouldn't have been happy, I wouldn't be alone. I figure that I would only have made her unhappy too and only end up hurting her which is the last thing I wanted to do.
This also makes me think, what if I can never find anyone that I am happy with because they don't exist? What if I can never be happy with anyone? Is it a problem with me? Maybe a few years ago I would have gone into a "relationship" with her because then I was desparate. I am still desparate now but it is sort of different??? I can't explain it.
What is best? Being alone and unhappy, or, not being alone and unhappy!

One other thing, sex (also non-existent). What is normal in terms of frequency and number of relationships? Is a 29 year old male who has never had sex or relationships normal? Would it be normal for said male to use the services provided by a prostitute? Is it wrong?

[darkeyes]

Don't use the services of a prostitute, too risky! You don't want to chance "disease" or worse Aids, not worth it my friend.
And to be in a relationship and be unhappry, vs not being in a relationship and being unhappy. . . personally I'd rather not want to be with someone and be unhappy, I'd rather be alone. You see if you are with someone and you are not finding happiness it then becomes complicated, leading an "innocent" person to think you possibly care for them but really don't can be cruel and you wouldn't like that done to you right? I think if I weren't married I'd be alone, I have a problem with people (one of my hangups) and this is not nice for me to say even though I am married I often wish I were alone instead, allowing me to feel like myself when I want and not having to "perform" for others. Don't give up hope, take a stroll in a wooded park, circulate yourself where you may meet someone, museums,malls, wildlife centers even do some volunteer work at an animal re-hab center that is where I've met some wonderful people. Just a suggestion, not everyone is the same but some advice from others here may give you some insight. I hope this has helped, now please take care.
"darkeyes"

[jennie]

if being lonely is unacceptable to you, then why are you alone?

i deal with this same issue. it is my choice i do not go out of my apartment. it is my choice i not introduce myself to my next door neighbors. it is my choice i do not participate in sports or poetry readings or sight-seeings or single-groups or any groups or social clubs within the city or religious events or cultural gatherings. if i go some where there are others, i do let my hair cover my face. i don't say hi. i don't smile. i don't talk about the weather. i don't offer my assistance. i don't do anything i know would create friends. i try not to remember how i made friends and lovers in the past....through other friends introductions.

you and i don't have to be lonely. all we have to do is open our eyes to the world. risk experiencing life. really smell the flowers. go to the book store or coffee shop. start making eye contact. smile more. help the elderly. maybe start up a conversation. join some type of social group. don't worry about what others are thinking. just smile and be nice. eventually you'll make friends. some people will hurt you, but some will become life-long friends, too. and that's worth it all.... (((Huggs)))

[Jigglypuff]

Thanks for your replies. I do kind of go out. I don't sit around in my house all day. I can't stand being in the house either. Everything feels stale. I do anything just to get out. I tend to go to malls or cinema or anywhere. I have one friend I have known from the age of five and I see him most weekends, usually at his house. But even then when I go out or with my friend I am still feeling lonely and a bit like I am wandering around. I feel kind of lost. I used to participate in sports but have lost my way. My heart isn't in it anymore. I kind of think what is the point of it all. I know people like me and get on with me but there is something wrong. As if I don't have any personality or completely forgettable. People forget I am in the room with them. I have actually frightened people because they have forgotten I was there and just noticed me. I don't mean it.
All of my friends have met someone and moved away and I don't see them anymore apart from the one who lives in a house with his girlfriend. Though they both like me being there, I don't like going out too often as I feel I am crowding them. They are also never apart which I think is a bit weird but if they are fine with that then I suppose that is okay. It is best to think of them both as a single entity. (or siamese twins). I can be in a crowded room and still be lonely. It doesn't matter where. Most of the time I just do things to try and take my mind of it. It always comes back to me though.

As for the idea of a prostitute and risks. I have been thinking for years now about it and the risks were the only thing stopping me. But now I have a different idea of the risks. Everybody takes a risk stepping out of there homes everday. Driving to work, driving anywhere, using public transport, walking down the street, or even deciding to stay in. I could be knocked down by a bus or get killed in a motoring accident or knifed in the street. I could even be attacked in my own home. I don't mean to frighten anyone saying these things but these things are possible. I used to take risks in the sports I did and even ended up in hospital a few times becasue of them. In this case it is my choice and I know the risks. It's not like I don't know. Also, as long as they are professional enough, I doubt they like to take risks themselves. The only thing is: Would I feel bad about it? In some ways yes but in other ways no. I can't really decide. I have been working on these decisions for years. I didn't just wake up one morning with this idea in my head. I have even been discussing this with my therapist. I can't believe I did either. Here is different. This is virtually anonymous. With my therapist it is me sitting in this room face to face with this woman, telling her lots of things, half of which I can't believe I have even dared to say. But she has been brilliant with everying that I have said to her. I think she knows me better than I know myself. Which is kind of scary as well.

Is sex bad? Should I be thinking about sex? What is normal?

Just to let you know, I have been sexually abused as a child and I am very confused. I lnow that I am not normal when I compare myself with others. I do know that I do want sex but there are things lingering in the background putting doubts on my mind. Plus the fact that sex is very hard to get if you don't have a partner. What alternatives are there? There is only one. That's why I am talking about it. I would rather only have sex as part of a relationship and not just sex. This part bothers me because you simply don't have a relationship with a prostitute. It is "just sex" (not that I would know) and I don't know if I can deal with that. I would say this was a bigger issue than the risks. I'm sorry if I can't explain this well.

Thanks for your suggestions though =)

[darkeyes]

Then alI can say is take the "risk" with a prostitute, of possibly getting Aids, al I can say I knew of someone that had gotten Aids and eventually died, it was a horrible, lengthy death. . . nothing I'd like to see anyone else go through, but that is your personal choice, and if you do not care if you live or die, I can't offer you any advice except "good luck" with whatever you choose.

[jennie]

the problem with paying for sex is it degrades our self-worth. (NOTE: sexual abuse victims tend to have low self-worth.)

it's difficult for me to understand someone who is unable to get sex. maybe it's because i'm female??? i know i can go to any bar, get drunk, and find myself in bed with some stranger (for free). however, i see plenty of men (attractive and not) get women (and men) that way, too. of course, it's not free for a man because typically the man pays for all the drinks. I AM NOT IN ANY WAY SUGGESTING THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. i'm just saying i don't understand why someone can't get sex. of course, you did say you wanted a relationship, right?

one option, you could invest time with online relationships. it has worked with me and i have met a few and dated a few in person. create a homepage specifically intended to get you a date. put all your talents, creativity, interests, hopes, struggles, dreams, etc. on the web page. then ADVERTISE it. i tend to believe there is someone out there for everyone. (TIP: it may help to even be honest about your past sexual experiences and fantasies.)

(((Huggs)))

[heidu]

If your ok with sex as just sex then I will be blunt. You can do it yourself and you can buy things to help you along. Of course there is nothing that compares to sex with a real person but if you are having sex with a prostitute then you are not getting sex with any feeling whatsoever. She won't care about you and you will know that you have paid her. It sounds like you have reservations about this already or you would've just done it. I think in your heart you know what is best for you. The best sex is making love with someone you care about.
I have a question for you. I have never had a problem picking up men or finding someone. I also know people who never seem to get asked to dance or get hit on. There is something to be said for body language. For the look on your face. That's what people are looking at first in a situation. It's ok to be shy but you also have to be open. That is tough to do when you are feeling insecure. From what you say about people not noticing you. Are you giving them something to notice? Are you content to sit in the corner and blend into the walls? Do you engage in the conversation? Do you come up with ideas to talk about? Do you talk to total strangers in the grocery store, video rental, mall? To be seen you have to make yourself seen. I don't know you but from reading your posts you said you actually scared people sometimes because they forget you are there. YOU have to remind them. People aren't going to engage you in conversation if you are sitting there and not partticipating. If you don't want to be alone then you need to show a woman why she would want to be with you. What are your good qualities? What are your talents? Express yourself and use your good stuff to be the best you can be.
AS for being alone and unhappy or being with someone and unhappy. Definately alone. If you are with someone and unhappy you have a responsibility to someone elses feelings and life. Why make their life unhappy? If you don't really love a woman it will show thru in how you treat her and everything you do. That isn't fair to her. And if you dont really love her you probably wont want to have sex with her either.
I'll shut up now.
Heidu