[rdgrad15]

I've always wondered, when someone constantly brings someone else from the past up in a conversation, whether it is in a positive or negative light, does it mean they actually still may either miss them or still feel affected by them whether it was good or bad? Even if they deny missing someone or that someone who may have had a negative influence on them no longer has an effect on them, I wonder if them constantly bringing up the person means they secretly do miss them or something else is going on.

If it is in a positive light, then they may be longing for the old times to be back. If it is in a negative light, then I wonder if it is because they still feel hurt by that person even if they deny it and even say they actually don't care. Another reason I wonder is because they may have had several people in their past that they dislike, but they are rarely brought up. Except for one person. Makes me wonder if it is due to lingering feelings of resentment or in some cases, wishing that things could be good between them again if they used to be friends.

I have a friend that does this. We used to be friends with someone else that turned out to be toxic and to this day, my friend talks about her as if this person had just slighted her even though they haven't talked in years. They used to be good friends. It is one of those cases where I wonder if she wishes they could still be friends, which is understandable. I feel the same way about some people. I wish some people had been nicer and better friends as well. But the point is, I am willing to admit it. I wish some friendships of the past had not gone sour. But some people, including my friend, will state that they do not miss the person at all even though they constantly bring them up. Makes it seem like they secretly miss someone but don’t want to admit it.

What do you guys think? Have you known anyone who has done that or may have even done it yourself? I know it may be hard to admit to missing someone even if they turned into a toxic friend. It’s normal to wish things had been better if things went sour. Do you know anyone from the past that you still miss in a way and wish things had been better or that they had been a better friend? Just wondered.

[Open Eyes]

Well, part of our design is to remember things that hurt us or even caused us to feel bad about ourselves or face rejection. It sounds like your friend has not found a way to resolve what she experienced with this individual she thought was safe but turned out to be toxic. Human beings are designed to navigate and problem solve and part of that includes remembering things that caused us a lot of stress and discomfort. She may have really liked and trusted this person, perhaps more than you did so for her that person turning toxic left her feeling something she has simply not really resolved yet. Hense the saying, "We may not remember exactly what someone said to us, but we NEVER forget how that person made us feel".

[divine1966]

Even if she was traumatized and even misses them, what’s the point of constantly talking about it. Unless maybe you are a therapist and are paid to listen to it.

Some people unfortunately create a victim identity for themselves and their entire existence is wrapped up in how people did them wrong. If you take that away from them, they feel lost and don’t know what else to focus on. Does she have anything in her life to talk about?

I personally avoid people like that. I’d recommend therapy for her.

[sarahsweets]

Generally if it’s coming out of Our mouths, it started in our minds. I like to reminisce about past positive events whether the person is in my life now or not. I don’t think it means that you miss the person necessarily just that the feelings associated with events and experiences are pleasant and thinking and talking about them is nice.

I do agree that talking about someone who was negative or hurt us and they are cut out of our lives now can mean you haven’t moved on. Before I had boundaries and valued what I contributed to a relationship I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I couldn’t figure out why the same things were always happening and then when I got sober it was like a light turned on. I was able to release toxic people, let go of my resentment and not let it affect me. I used to say mantras in my mind like “ That was then , this is now “ or “ I grew, they wilted “
Just things like that to redirect my mind. All of this was also done with the aid of therapy and meditation/ prayer.

[Open Eyes]

Is this the same friend that dumps you last minute if something better comes up? Just curious.

[Open Eyes]

Out of respect for the fact that this is a mental health site, I feel it can be triggering for those who struggle with pstd from being abused and traumatized seeing someone suggest they may NEED to be some kind of victim and without it they would feel lost. Some people feel lost because they have been victimized and traumatized.

I see a lot of that on this site tbh.

[SorryShaped]

I'd say it's a reminder that we all have an affect on others' futures, whether we know it or not. It's also a way to remember to be the best you can, if that's what you want to be remembered as.
That said, there are certain people, and sometimes even me when I'm in a mood, that have a need to be remembered as acting like a dumpster fire, stinking up the neighborhood and being generally a nuisance.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I'd say it's a reminder that we all have an affect on others' futures, whether we know it or not. It's also a way to remember to be the best you can, if that's what you want to be remembered as.
That said, there are certain people, and sometimes even me when I'm in a mood, that have a need to be remembered as acting like a dumpster fire, stinking up the neighborhood and being generally a nuisance.

That’s a good point!!!

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, part of our design is to remember things that hurt us or even caused us to feel bad about ourselves or face rejection. It sounds like your friend has not found a way to resolve what she experienced with this individual she thought was safe but turned out to be toxic. Human beings are designed to navigate and problem solve and part of that includes remembering things that caused us a lot of stress and discomfort. She may have really liked and trusted this person, perhaps more than you did so for her that person turning toxic left her feeling something she has simply not really resolved yet. Hense the saying, "We may not remember exactly what someone said to us, but we NEVER forget how that person made us feel".

Yes I totally agree. And yeah I don’t think she has resolved her feelings either. The toxic person hurt me too but yeah it didn’t affect me as much. I actually always had a hunch that this person wasn’t genuine so I didn’t get as close as my friend did to her. And yes I totally agree with that saying too.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Even if she was traumatized and even misses them, what’s the point of constantly talking about it. Unless maybe you are a therapist and are paid to listen to it.

Some people unfortunately create a victim identity for themselves and their entire existence is wrapped up in how people did them wrong. If you take that away from them, they feel lost and don’t know what else to focus on. Does she have anything in her life to talk about?

I personally avoid people like that. I’d recommend therapy for her.

Yeah I agree. Everyone talks about some people who may have hurt them in the past from time to time. I will admit I do too at times, usually to give an example or a lesson. But I don’t act like asomeone who hurt me years ago had just done me wrong yesterday. That’s a bit much. She does have other things to talk about but yeah she kind of does seem to have a victim mentality. She probably needs therapy or at least someone better to sort out her feelings.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Generally if it’s coming out of Our mouths, it started in our minds. I like to reminisce about past positive events whether the person is in my life now or not. I don’t think it means that you miss the person necessarily just that the feelings associated with events and experiences are pleasant and thinking and talking about them is nice.

I do agree that talking about someone who was negative or hurt us and they are cut out of our lives now can mean you haven’t moved on. Before I had boundaries and valued what I contributed to a relationship I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I couldn’t figure out why the same things were always happening and then when I got sober it was like a light turned on. I was able to release toxic people, let go of my resentment and not let it affect me. I used to say mantras in my mind like “ That was then , this is now “ or “ I grew, they wilted “
Just things like that to redirect my mind. All of this was also done with the aid of therapy and meditation/ prayer.

I agree and glad things worked out and got better for you. I used to be taken advantage of a lot too but not really anymore.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Is this the same friend that dumps you last minute if something better comes up? Just curious.

No. In fact, the one me and my friend no longer hang out with was the one that did that to me. As well as some other people. But my friend I am referring to now doesn’t do that. Although she sometimes will go through short periods where she stops talking to others only to return as if nothing happened. She has ADHD and sometimes I wonder if she has depression. She hasn’t gone into her ghosting phase in a while though which is good.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Out of respect for the fact that this is a mental health site, I feel it can be triggering for those who struggle with pstd from being abused and traumatized seeing someone suggest they may NEED to be some kind of victim and without it they would feel lost. Some people feel lost because they have been victimized and traumatized.

I see a lot of that on this site tbh.

I can see where you’re coming from. I’m sure it doesn’t always mean to come off that way but yeah some people can be inconsiderate on this site at times. It is much better than other sites though.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I'd say it's a reminder that we all have an affect on others' futures, whether we know it or not. It's also a way to remember to be the best you can, if that's what you want to be remembered as.
That said, there are certain people, and sometimes even me when I'm in a mood, that have a need to be remembered as acting like a dumpster fire, stinking up the neighborhood and being generally a nuisance.

Yeah I totally agree.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by divine1966

That’s a good point!!!

Yep I agree.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yeah I agree. Everyone talks about some people who may have hurt them in the past from time to time. I will admit I do too at times, usually to give an example or a lesson. But I don’t act like asomeone who hurt me years ago had just done me wrong yesterday. That’s a bit much. She does have other things to talk about but yeah she kind of does seem to have a victim mentality. She probably needs therapy or at least someone better to sort out her feelings.

Professional help sounds like something she needs to move on. Everyone complains on occasion but when attitude “everyone does me wrong” becomes one’s entire identity, time to seek help. Maybe you can find some gentle ways to give her a hint re seeking a therapist

I think the reason I bring up past people is because the events were memorable or valuable to me. I don’t think it necessarily means I miss that person, but it can. Sometimes I just miss “the old days.”

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Professional help sounds like something she needs to move on. Everyone complains on occasion but when attitude “everyone does me wrong” becomes one’s entire identity, time to seek help. Maybe you can find some gentle ways to give her a hint re seeking a therapist

Yeah I totally agree.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I think the reason I bring up past people is because the events were memorable or valuable to me. I don’t think it necessarily means I miss that person, but it can. Sometimes I just miss “the old days.”

I agree. Same with me too. And in terms of negative people, it is also to give examples or a lesson to remember and not repeat a past mistake. Not because I enjoy talking about people.

[LadyShadow]

I personally have a hangup about my ex-boyfriend from almost 15 years ago. I don't talk about him to anyone, but I still feel hate and love for him sometimes, and it's weird that I do that. People have a way of affecting you, good or bad, for a lifetime. If it's a case where she is just obsessed with it and can't get over it, then she would need to talk to someone other than putting all the pressure on you.

But, on the flip side, I understand the act of "carrying a torch" long after their gone.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

I personally have a hangup about my ex-boyfriend from almost 15 years ago. I don't talk about him to anyone, but I still feel hate and love for him sometimes, and it's weird that I do that. People have a way of affecting you, good or bad, for a lifetime. If it's a case where she is just obsessed with it and can't get over it, then she would need to talk to someone other than putting all the pressure on you.

But, on the flip side, I understand the act of "carrying a torch" long after their gone.

Yes I agree with you. There are people who I still can’t stand from years ago, even before college and high school. But yeah I don’t obsessively talk about them non-stop though. So yeah I can see both sides.