[Alwaysme0]

Hello,

I've been married for 8 years, in those 8 years dealt with him sneaking around to chat with other women, contacting his ex and lying. I was 100% honest when I said my vows and have stayed, I'm still in love with him. My head and heart are in different places, mentally I've know he hasn't loved me in a really long time (if ever) but my heart is still fully in my marriage and my husband.
I know by staying I'm hurting daily cause our marriage is more like a roommate situation. He only shows affection when he is trying to get laid then instantly falls asleep. It's clear that my heart will continue to be broken little by little as in the past if i stay but how do you change the way you feel about someone?! Venting a little helped but would greatly appreciate any advice!

Thanks

I am very sorry for what you're going through. However, why would you stay when he is sneaking around behind your back, lying to you and not showing the same level of commitment or respect towards both you AND the marriage? Why hurt yourself in this way? I know you love him, but for what? Someone who is a cheater, a liar and a snake? You deserve better than that. Cut your losses and leave. He doesn't deserve your love or commitment.

[AspiringAuthor]

I would look into the possibility that you have self-defeating personality traits and put yourself in situations in which you cannot win.

[sarahsweets]

Do you have children?

[divine1966]

Are there reasons you are staying? Most of the time people stay in bad marriages because they are financially dependent on their spouse. Is that the reason?

[AbladeintheMeadow]

Hey Alwaysme0

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. The situation you find yourself in is identical to my own except my marriage is of a longer duration.

I couldn't tell you the reasons I stay. I don't know what they are. The truth is if I had a friend in the same position I'd be telling them to get the hell out of there asap...& yet I stay.

I know from the outside looking in it makes no sense. It doesn't make any more sense from the inside looking out either.

Fears, insecurities, paralysed by indecision, the better days are OK, low self esteem, lack of confidence, in my case depression plays a big part, I have bpd traits, anxiety issues...maybe somewhere inside a part that believes I deserve to be 'punished' in this way, I often don't trust my own thoughts so I'm unable to tell what's right, what's wrong...it's easier to stay.

Gentle hugs. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I hope you find a way through that works for you. I hope you have or can access some support irl too. That might help x

[healingme4me]

I see this was your second post. After 5 posts new members come off moderation. Then replying and responding becomes more real time and engaging.

So sorry that you are going through this.

Were you affected by divorce as a child where you are taking these vows to the point of detriment to your own emotional wellness?

[Alwaysme0]

I am a child of divorced parents but life was a lot healthier for everyone after he took off with the my moms best friend and her kids. My father was a horrible person mostly do to his alcoholism, atleast he grew a little with his second marriage cause he didn't physically abuse her like he was to my mother.
Anyways...
I know how dumb I/it sounds cause believe me I have a younger sister and if she was in my situation I'd be livid. I guess the easiest way to explain it is, he's done a lot of hurtful things but he's also an amazing person in general. He literally is my best friend(next to my mamma). I'm not close to any of my family other than my sister & mother who done everything for me and my sister. Anywho, she was diagnosed with advance stage lung cancer with brain mets in 2015 at only 48. I myself have 3 children but not with my current husband. (My life may be a little complicated) I was married once before to my high school sweetheart at 17. We divorced 6 years and 3 kids later but co-parent amazingly, even do birthdays/some holidays together. His wife and I love doing shopping trips and are planning a "momcation" someday lol.
Wow, really sorry that was so long!

[AspiringAuthor]

What do your younger sister, your mom and your first husband's current wife think of your current husband?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Alwaysme0

I am a child of divorced parents but life was a lot healthier for everyone after he took off with the my moms best friend and her kids. My father was a horrible person mostly do to his alcoholism, atleast he grew a little with his second marriage cause he didn't physically abuse her like he was to my mother.
Anyways...
I know how dumb I/it sounds cause believe me I have a younger sister and if she was in my situation I'd be livid. I guess the easiest way to explain it is, he's done a lot of hurtful things but he's also an amazing person in general. He literally is my best friend(next to my mamma). I'm not close to any of my family other than my sister & mother who done everything for me and my sister. Anywho, she was diagnosed with advance stage lung cancer with brain mets in 2015 at only 48. I myself have 3 children but not with my current husband. (My life may be a little complicated) I was married once before to my high school sweetheart at 17. We divorced 6 years and 3 kids later but co-parent amazingly, even do birthdays/some holidays together. His wife and I love doing shopping trips and are planning a "momcation" someday lol.
Wow, really sorry that was so long!

Do your kids live with you? At least part time? It’s not good for kids to see you in bad marriage (kids always know). I’d consider leaving maybe at least for the kids sake. Well I don’t know about best friend... who needs enemies when you have such friends... you sound like a very nice person, what do you need this life for...

[Alwaysme0]

I've never been someone who cares what anyone else thinks. Plus I keep a lot of stuff to myself, they all have problems of their own. My mother who is terminally Ill knows more than anyone else but she also knows nothing she can say or do will make me walk away until I've decided I've had enough.
I'm a caregiver to my mother so I get a lot of extra time with her which I'm beyond thankful for but at the same time I'm also watching her slowly slip away and it's extremely hard.
My husband has actually been a decent man during all this and is the only person who really understands how hard it is for me to know the day my mom passes is getting closer and I'm terrified and heartbroken. He actually has been a rock when I've really needed him and the thought of losing him and my mom scared me... does that make sense?

[Alwaysme0]

My kids live with me but I promise they don't see a bad marriage, I put my children first in every part of my life. They don't even hear arguing, I know that's probably weird to some of you but they don't need to be in the middle of adult situations.

I'm so sorry about your mother! How painful and difficult that must be. So I'm curious --- what are you hoping to hear from ppl on here about your husband? You seem devoted and determined to stay in a marriage that sounds dysfunctional. Marriage counseling and demanding fidelity may be good places to begin.

[Alwaysme0]

I'm not hoping to hear anything from anyone. I came here for myself, to better deal with my own issues of insomnia, depression, and just being able to vent or discuss my thoughts/feelings. Something that's always been hard for me is opening up about the way I feel.

Originally Posted by Alwaysme0

I'm not hoping to hear anything from anyone. I came here for myself, to better deal with my own issues of insomnia, depression, and just being able to vent or discuss my thoughts/feelings. Something that's always been hard for me is opening up about the way I feel.

I understand! Now I have a better sense of what you need/want, thank you for clarifying. This is a great place for all of those things... vent all you need to. Opening up can be hard, so congrats on taking steps to help yourself. Hope you find and receive the support and encouragement you need here, even if it's just to vent.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Alwaysme0 It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. Not only your marriage and kids, but even your own mother. That's a lot to go through. I'm so sorry. Please remember that you need to take care of yourself as well. You can't fully help others if you're not feeling too well yourself. As for your marriage, I agree with what all the others have already wisely said. I'd suggest to seriously talk to your husband about this and see how it goes from there. Maybe that could help. You could try couple counselling if he's willing to. If he refuses to listen to you or acknowledge that there's a problem, I think you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with this man. It's not fair that you're being treated like this. You deserve much better in my opinion. I hope things will get better soon. Try to think about your marriage while you help your mother. I hope she will get better soon. That must be very tough both for you and for her. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. Take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. We care about you. Keep writing here if it helps. I'm here for you as well if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Alwaysme0]

Thank you so much! Your kindness and words mean more than you will ever know! Venting helps so much more than I ever realized, it's a lot better than keeping everything in like before. I can honestly say I feel better knowing that I have a place to turn when the weight of everything gets to much!

Thank all of you for caring enough to comment! I completely agree with all of your words of wisdom and very much appreciate it! I'm working on myself right now and will then find the strength and courage I need to give up on a man/marriage that gave up on me/us long ago! As ashamed as I am to admit it, I let a man play with my heart and feelings for far to long. I know that i deserve atleast what I'm giving. My self esteem and confidence in my self just disappeared over time and I'm very ready to get to a better place within myself, then better place in life!
Anyways I honestly do appreciate all of you and your time!

[divine1966]

Hang in there. We are here for you.

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central! Have you told him how you feel--that you feel more like a roommate? And what you need from him to feel loved? If he tries to change/do what you want, then that says he cares and wants you. Otherwise, I suggest you think about seeing a counselor, since you are distressed with how things are going and as you say, maybe work on self esteem. (I'm sorry if I say something that suggests I'm clueless. I'm just not up to reading everybody's comments on your thread and your responses.)

I've been married almost 30 years, and yes, in some ways, my husband and I are more like roommates. But we're both in our sixties. He does things for me, tells me he loves me, listens to me, and we do most everything together. And I know he would never be unfaithful. I'm hoping for at least 20 more years together.

I see lots of folks have asked you questions for you to consider if deciding if you want to leave him. Know that we care and wish the best for you, Alwaysme0.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through with your mother and with your husband. That’s a painful burden you’re carrying right now. I understand that relationships are very complicated and often there just aren’t simple answers. I hope that it helps to talk things out here. We are here to listen. ❤️

[Anxiouslove]

I hate when people ask why you stay! I know exactly why people stay! The same reasons I stay. Bc he gives just enough hope to make you hang on a littl longer...bc you miss what you used to have together and think you can get it back...bc he makes promises and things get better for a while...bc he says he loves you wants and the relationship...bc you've got so much invested already...fear of the unknown...fear of failure...and the paralyzing indecision about it all.

[Alwaysme0]

Originally Posted by Anxiouslove

I hate when people ask why you stay! I know exactly why people stay! The same reasons I stay. Bc he gives just enough hope to make you hang on a littl longer...bc you miss what you used to have together and think you can get it back...bc he makes promises and things get better for a while...bc he says he loves you wants and the relationship...bc you've got so much invested already...fear of the unknown...fear of failure...and the paralyzing indecision about it all.

Thank you Anxiouslove! You explaned that perfectly! ~Hugs~