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Member
Member Since Aug 2007
Posts: 36
16 |
Dec 18, 2007 at 03:31 PM
#1
Am I a bad mommy beucase I can't take care of my daughter? When it all became to much to handle I moved my daughter in with my parents and soon relized I couldn't even take care of myself and moved in with my parents as well. Now I've got people telling me that I should be allowed to have my daughter and that I'm a horrid mother. Am I?
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Pandita-in-training
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
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Dec 18, 2007 at 03:52 PM
#2
I don't know who is telling you that but I wouldn't pay a whole lot of attention to them; they're obvisouly not friends or trying to help you. Only listen to people trying to help you be the best mommy you can be.
__________________ "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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Grand Member
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Some place beyond myself, West Virginia
Posts: 999
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Dec 18, 2007 at 04:43 PM
#3
I'm a mom too, I have two toddlers. I'll admit there's been desperate times where I felt I was unable to care for myself let alone them. I felt like packing my bags and running away for awhile, leaving them with their daddy. It's the most difficult job in the world and people have to realize that in order to care for somebody else, especially somebody as dependant as children, that we have to be capable of caring for ourselves as well. This situation doesn't mean your a "bad" mom, just a mom going through a rough patch trying to figure stuff out. You know your child's safe, you know where she is. This time should make you focus on yourself. This way you can figure out the mental/emotional skills you need to be a mom....don't judge yourself so harshly. Don't allow others to look upon your situation and judge neither...just do what you have too.
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2007
Posts: 1,383
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Dec 19, 2007 at 03:52 PM
#4
You aren't bad. You are a very loving mother who has put her child somewhere where she'll be safe. Just take care of yourself as best you can. Tell people not to judge you and don't judge yourself.
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Feb 2006
Location: South Africa
Posts: 67,808
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Dec 20, 2007 at 05:48 AM
#5
During my most severe depression when my son was just 2 years old, I was quite unable to look after him. I was living with my supportive mother who took care of him physically, bathing him, putting him to bed and things like that. It took a couple of months and I gradually began to look after my son again. I remember feeling that I was a bad mom because all I could do was lie in a dark room and cry instead of caring for my son but I realize today that I had to do whatever I could to get out of my black hole.
So, I understand your feelings and feel very sad for you that people are saying that you're a horrid mother. Taking care of your child and yourself in this way shows that you love your child very much and certainly does not make you a bad mother. __________________  Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of having tried too hard to be strong for too long. |
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5,042
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Dec 20, 2007 at 06:51 AM
#6
helpless
You sound like an outstanding mother! The fact that you were able to realize that you were unable to care for your child AND you did something about it speaks volumes! It says that even in your darkest hour you WERE able to care for her, you placed her somewhere you knew she would be safe, loved and well taken care of. Really, what child could ever ask for more? Anyone that says something different can go.... well you know what they can do! __________________ I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children. |
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Member
Member Since Aug 2007
Posts: 36
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Dec 20, 2007 at 10:27 AM
#7
Thank you everyone. I feel much better knowing that I'm not the only one unable to take care of my child becuase of this stupid illness. I'm slowly starting to take care of her again. I've picked her up from pre-school everyday this week. We've been spending quality time together. I've been taking her out to the mall, movies, lunch, play ground. We've been playing Barbies and painting ordiments.
I know these sound like normal things that parents do with their kids, but I've been so far gone for so long. I haven't been able to. My Mom has done all this. I'm so happy that I'm able to cope enough to do this stuff with her. Sandra __________________ HelpLess |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
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Dec 20, 2007 at 11:01 AM
#8
Helpless
Sounds to me like you are trying to improve yourself and that you are offering your daughter your love and compassion. No matter how great of a parent you are people will always be trying to judge you. Surround yourself with people who are positive and forget the rest. What I've found so incredible about young kids is that they are so willing to accept our love and compassion. This helps them and it helps us. Just keep trying and you will get better and better and will be the parent you want to be. __________________ "Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach) |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 77
16 |
Dec 20, 2007 at 08:28 PM
#9
You sound like a person who trying to save someone from drowning but you can't even swim. Dose that make you a bad person? No. The effort that is put fourth on your behalf is not be unrewarded. Obviously you cannot take care of yourself and most of us have been there so there's no crime in that. Weather it be mentally, financially or just spending time w/ a child or significant other. The main issue is that you've tried. And have recognized that you've failed. Instead of dragging your child into your situation you've decided to better your childs situation by removing her from yours.
__________________ "only the dead have seen the end of war" -plato- |
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Veteran Member
Member Since Aug 2005
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 644
18 |
Dec 20, 2007 at 08:52 PM
#10
Situations and lives change. Sometimes we can not control these things. I think a bad mom is someone that does not make sure their child is taken care of. Which you have. I dont think anyone likes to move home, but it certainly does not make you a bad mommy. Some people need to keep their bad opinions to themself!
__________________ People are like stained glass windows They sparkle and shine in the sun but when darkness hits their true beauty is revealed only when there is light within . Elizabeth Krubel-Ros |
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New Member
Member Since Dec 2007
Posts: 1
16 |
Dec 20, 2007 at 11:14 PM
#11
If you can't take care of your child(ren), and you realize it, then there is nothing wrong with that. Looking out for the best in your child's life prove's you are a caring mother. The issue I would be most concerned with is that you moved in with your parents....and with moving in with your parents you still cant take care of your child. Keep this in mind--You cannot ever take care of another, if you cannot take care of yourself. Find the root of the problem, get rid of it, accept your child(ren), and realize what you have been missing. In no way am I passing judgement...I understand things can get very difficult, but at the same time, we chose alot of our difficulties. Hope this helps.
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Elder
Member Since Sep 2006
Posts: 5,677
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Dec 21, 2007 at 12:25 AM
#12
((((((((helpless mommy)))))))))
I only wish I would have had family to turn to in my time of need and assistance with my children. While I agree that we must take care of ourselves before taking care of others, I find it quite comforting to assist others. Which in turn helps me..kinda weird, I know. It certainly isn't as easy as getting "rid of it" (the problem), IMHO. I would never pass judgement onto another for I, too, have been there. Please take care of you, and PM me anytime! Dee __________________ Parce que maman l'a dit 
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Dec 21, 2007 at 12:35 AM
#13
You are NOT a bad mother. A good mother like yourself knows when you need help and asks for it. A good mother like yourself knows that getting help for ourselves is helping our children. A good mother like yourself puts your child in a safe loving environment substitute until you are well enough to care for you child again.
Some helpful organizations that helped me. (I don't know if they have them where you live.) Parent Aid Help Me Grow WIC Local prego center children services (Belive it or not, but they are not always there to take kids away. They helped me hook up with the above organizations, and parenting classes wich were very very helpful.) |
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Member
Member Since Aug 2007
Posts: 36
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Dec 21, 2007 at 10:42 AM
#14
Thank you all. I am doing everything I can to ensure that my little girl is taken care of. I'm starting to come far enough along in my recovery that I can spend time with her and not get so frusterated. Last night she and I palyed Monopoly Jr. WHen it was bedtime I made her help me clean it up. SHe wanted my mom to read her a story so I let them have alone time. She came out to do one last potty/drink stall and as she walked past me I said I love you baby girl. SHe said I hate you mommy. So instead of my normal reaction of reacting to that. And letting it upset me, I simply said, well that's ok, but Mommy still loves you very much. But then a few minutes later she let me tuck her into bed, I was so happy.
Ok, I guess enough of my rambling. Thanks for all your support. It really means a lot to me. __________________ HelpLess |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 1,807
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Dec 21, 2007 at 11:58 PM
#15
(((((((((((((((((((((((Helpless Mommy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Moderator
Community Support Team 
Member Since Feb 2005
Location: Southwest of Northeast
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Dec 22, 2007 at 09:21 AM
#16
What a perfect answer to your daughter when she said she hated you!! I too remember when my kids would say they hated me. I always countered with "That's ok hon, I will always love you no matter what".
Children don't know how to voice their pain and hurt. It comes out simply in their own ways such as saying "I hate you". You did a fabulous job supporting her and letting her know it was ok to feel yucky and voice it too without her having to worry about a negative reaction from you. You are doing a wonderful job!  sabby |
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2005
Location: cedar
Posts: 2,352
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Dec 25, 2007 at 06:25 PM
#17
((((helpless mommy))))
You are an excellent mom. I agree with what everyone has already said. 
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Member
Member Since Dec 2007
Location: west end of east nowhere
Posts: 31
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Dec 25, 2007 at 08:10 PM
#18
In my opinion you are a wonderful Mommy. My mother had serious mental health issues, and neither got help for them nor gave me to someone who was capable of nurturing or even tolerating a child. And in the sixties, people just looked the other way. I was 28 years old, talking to my former 6th grade teacher before I was even aware that what took place in my home was child abuse! I knew I was miserable and afraid and unloved, but that was all I had ever known, so I accepted it as normal. Now here I am at 50 trying to put myself back together again.
You are doing two good things for your child, working on your own problems and seeing that she is taken care of while you can't do it yourself. If you had a physical disability no one would think twice about you being temporarily unable to care for her, but just because they can't see your current problems the way they could a cast on your leg or the results of chemo, doesn't mean they aren't just as real. Thank you for doing for your daughter what my mother wouldn't do for me. __________________ ~Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you~ Kurt Cobain |
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