[rdgrad15]

I’ve always wondered how to know whether or not a time is appropriate to turn down someone's request to do something for you. I know it may sound weird, but there are times where I actually don't like it when people offer to do some things for me, mainly because I feel like they will secretly regret it later or resent having to do so. Like, they will offer to pay for something or do something else, but then later on, wish they hadn't done so or secretly wish I had declined.

The reason for this was due to past experiences. One example is for a college organization outing a while back. A group of us were going to nearby Burger King to get some food while having a small meeting to discuss the upcoming semester. The sponsor for the Fellowship meeting offered to pay for just drinks for everyone, but we were allowed to get whatever food we wanted as long as we paid for ourselves. I decided to get a burger and a small bottle of coke. The total would have been close to five dollars, but she would have only paid for like a dollar for the coke. Not bad in my opinion.

When she saw I was going to buy that, she flipped. She asked if I was really going to buy those things. I said yes and didn't think she would care since I was obviously going to pay for the burger. For some reason, she got mad, took my wallet away from me out of frustration or something, and said she would pay for the whole thing. The whole thing came to around 5 dollars or so.

I wasn't going to make her pay for the burger, I was just about to pay for it myself. So I don't know what went wrong there. She wound up paying for it and that was it. I felt guilty afterwards and felt like maybe I shouldn't have ordered at all. From that point on, anytime there was an outing and I went along, I would actually secretly eat some food in the cafeteria before even meeting up to head out.

I felt that maybe I wasn't supposed to order food with them after all or maybe I misheard or misunderstood something. A couple times, I didn't even go along because I was afraid of that happening again. I felt bad but at the same time, wondered if she was secretly wishing she didn't have to do it. I felt guilty since I felt she was doing it out of obligation.

Other times I’ve accepted a coworker’s offer to give me a ride. I offered to give gas money but she declined, saying it’s pointless since we live literally less than a minute away from each other on the same road. No back tracking either. I eventually came to find out she didn’t really like doing that and got irritable towards me. I stopped accepting rides from her. I don’t want to inconvenience her or anyone else.

I now wonder how to decide when it is okay to politely decline someone to do something polite. I find myself doing it more often now since I always worry people are secretly hoping I will decline. Is there something wrong maybe I am doing or do people tend to regret their politeness more often that I thought? Just confused and not sure if declining people's offers more often than I used to is the right thing to do or not.

There has been many other cases as well. I may be doing something alone or about to walk somewhere and someone will ask if I need help or a ride and if I said yes, they will give a sigh of annoyance. In some cases I even told the person never mind and that I really didn’t need their help which in some cases was true. Other times I needed help but didn’t want it from them due to how they acted. Do you find yourself declining people’s offers to help due to a possible negative reaction from them? Just wondered what you guys thought?

[Open Eyes]

Honestly, this is something many people do wonder, not just you.

[divine1966]

If the offer is from people who are not particularly close friends or family, then you can decline every time. Heck it’s ok to decline help from anyone at any time

I think you should decline any time there is any hint of them sighing or being annoyed. Why anyone would offer and sigh. That says more about them than you

Be independent..

[Crazy Hitch]

I think the coke and burger was a miscommunication. She probably said let’s get drinks. I’ll pay. And wasn’t intending for anyone to get food. And the lady who offered you lifts probably felt inconvenienced after a while, even if it was irrational. I’d say lift wise, be independent because that could annoy people in the long run. And don’t accept offers from people when you’re going out to pay for anything.

By the way I don’t particularly think anything you did was wrong per say. Maybe more miscommunication.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

When she saw I was going to buy that, she flipped. She asked if I was really going to buy those things. I said yes and didn't think she would care since I was obviously going to pay for the burger. For some reason, she got mad, took my wallet away from me out of frustration or something, and said she would pay for the whole thing. The whole thing came to around 5 dollars or so.

She snatched your wallet so that you couldn't pay for your own food? Well that's just weird. Why would she insist on paying for the whole meal? And then throw a fit about it? Honestly, I would've been pissed at her for taking my wallet, regardless of her intentions.

Do you find yourself declining people’s offers to help due to a possible negative reaction from them? Just wondered what you guys thought?

I decline a lot of offers because I don't like to be indebted to anyone, particularly not with anyone who's deceptive with their dealmaking. Some people offer their help supposedly out of sheer generosity and don't ask for anything in return, but they expect something in return nonetheless. They'll grow irritated if you don't play by these unspoken rules, and then they get all passive aggressive. Basically, you're entering into a verbal contract with someone without knowing the terms because they refuse to tell you, and you have to guess what it is they want in return for the help they offered.

A quid pro quo arrangement, on the other hand, I'm all for.

Disclaimer: I have several issues with trust and control which should be taken into account regarding the above statements.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Honestly, this is something many people do wonder, not just you.

Yeah I know.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If the offer is from people who are not particularly close friends or family, then you can decline every time. Heck it’s ok to decline help from anyone at any time

Yeah I agree.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by LonelyMan

I think you should decline any time there is any hint of them sighing or being annoyed. Why anyone would offer and sigh. That says more about them than you

Be independent..

I agree. Yeah some people pffer out of politeness but secretly hope the offer is declined. I’ve seen it happen to other people too. Not just me.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I think the coke and burger was a miscommunication. She probably said let’s get drinks. I’ll pay. And wasn’t intending for anyone to get food. And the lady who offered you lifts probably felt inconvenienced after a while, even if it was irrational. I’d say lift wise, be independent because that could annoy people in the long run. And don’t accept offers from people when you’re going out to pay for anything.

By the way I don’t particularly think anything you did was wrong per say. Maybe more miscommunication.

I agree. Yeah miscommunication is very likely and it could have been done better. Yeah in terms of rides, I don’t drive yet so that’s why I depend on people. I never depend on the same person all the time though. I switch it up as well as walking at times. And in rare cases, taking uber despite it being super expensive.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by theoretical

She snatched your wallet so that you couldn't pay for your own food? Well that's just weird. Why would she insist on paying for the whole meal? And then throw a fit about it? Honestly, I would've been pissed at her for taking my wallet, regardless of her intentions.


I decline a lot of offers because I don't like to be indebted to anyone, particularly not with anyone who's deceptive with their dealmaking. Some people offer their help supposedly out of sheer generosity and don't ask for anything in return, but they expect something in return nonetheless. They'll grow irritated if you don't play by these unspoken rules, and then they get all passive aggressive. Basically, you're entering into a verbal contract with someone without knowing the terms because they refuse to tell you, and you have to guess what it is they want in return for the help they offered.

A quid pro quo arrangement, on the other hand, I'm all for.

Disclaimer: I have several issues with trust and control which should be taken into account regarding the above statements.

Oh I agree with you. Some people need to be more clear about what they want or expect. Otherwise it may look like they’re playing mind games where they are offering to help you but secretly hoping you decline.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by theoretical

She snatched your wallet so that you couldn't pay for your own food? Well that's just weird. Why would she insist on paying for the whole meal? And then throw a fit about it? Honestly, I would've been pissed at her for taking my wallet, regardless of her intentions.


I decline a lot of offers because I don't like to be indebted to anyone, particularly not with anyone who's deceptive with their dealmaking. Some people offer their help supposedly out of sheer generosity and don't ask for anything in return, but they expect something in return nonetheless. They'll grow irritated if you don't play by these unspoken rules, and then they get all passive aggressive. Basically, you're entering into a verbal contract with someone without knowing the terms because they refuse to tell you, and you have to guess what it is they want in return for the help they offered.

A quid pro quo arrangement, on the other hand, I'm all for.

Disclaimer: I have several issues with trust and control which should be taken into account regarding the above statements.

^I agree with this! But, it’s not necessarily a bad thing; just the way people interact.

It is a very subtle thing of how to know when to accept and how to reciprocate, or when that is not necessary.

Sometimes, someone will do something for you and say you don’t need to pay, but they want to feel appreciated, so a little gift may make them happy.

Sometimes you need to make very clear that you are paying for something you want, like the burger, so they don’t think they are getting the bill.

Sometimes when I go out with friends, we either get separate checks or split the bill, or I’ll pay this time and then you pay next time. I’ve asked the waiter for separate checks when going out with several couples. It feels awkward, but then nobody resents whoever ordered more.

You can definitely refuse a favor from someone when you don’t trust their motives, or when you don’t want to feel obligated in any way.

But, I think, to generally refuse help, as a rule, isn’t a great thing to do either. Trusting and accepting help to a point is healthy, so is being trusted and helping others.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

^I agree with this! But, it’s not necessarily a bad thing; just the way people interact.

It is a very subtle thing of how to know when to accept and how to reciprocate, or when that is not necessary.

Sometimes, someone will do something for you and say you don’t need to pay, but they want to feel appreciated, so a little gift may make them happy.

Sometimes you need to make very clear that you are paying for something you want, like the burger, so they don’t think they are getting the bill.

Sometimes when I go out with friends, we either get separate checks or split the bill, or I’ll pay this time and then you pay next time. I’ve asked the waiter for separate checks when going out with several couples. It feels awkward, but then nobody resents whoever ordered more.

You can definitely refuse a favor from someone when you don’t trust their motives, or when you don’t want to feel obligated in any way.

But, I think, to generally refuse help, as a rule, isn’t a great thing to do either. Trusting and accepting help to a point is healthy, so is being trusted and helping others.

Yeah I do the same thing. I’m very careful when it comes to paying checks with friends and yeah I have started to make myself clear more now. Back then with the burger, I did say I was paying and even had my card out and was just about to hand it to the cashier but I let the lady stop it from happening.

I should have made it clear that I was paying, not her but I didn’t want to make a scene. It can be tricky. And yeah in terms of people saying you don’t need to pay them back, sometimes I do think they secretly hope you do which is understandable.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

But, I think, to generally refuse help, as a rule, isnÂ’t a great thing to do either. Trusting and accepting help to a point is healthy, so is being trusted and helping others.

But, but, I hate them and they're unworthy of my trust.

It is a very subtle thing of how to know when to accept and how to reciprocate, or when that is not necessary.

It is a very subtle thing, and I don't think many people are good at it, at least judging from how awkward and flustered most people seem when caught in these situations. Case in point, rdgrad's wallet thief lady. She handled that situation terribly and turned a small kindness into something painfully awkward for everyone involved.

I would've fought her for taking my wallet. Seriously.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by theoretical

But, but, I hate them and they're unworthy of my trust.
your instincts are probably right!

It is a very subtle thing, and I don't think many people are good at it, at least judging from how awkward and flustered most people seem when caught in these situations. Case in point, rdgrad's wallet thief lady. She handled that situation terribly and turned a small kindness into something painfully awkward for everyone involved.

I would've fought her for taking my wallet. Seriously.

I agree, grabbing someone’s wallet is crossing a boundary and might get you punched!

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by theoretical

But, but, I hate them and they're unworthy of my trust.


It is a very subtle thing, and I don't think many people are good at it, at least judging from how awkward and flustered most people seem when caught in these situations. Case in point, rdgrad's wallet thief lady. She handled that situation terribly and turned a small kindness into something painfully awkward for everyone involved.

I would've fought her for taking my wallet. Seriously.

Yeah I agree she didn’t handle that very well. Unfortunately there are people that don’t know how to handle stuff like that.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I agree, grabbing someone’s wallet is crossing a boundary and might get you punched!

Yeah I agree. Even though she knew me, it was still out of line and the fact that she did it in a public place could have actually put herself in a compromising situation since some people could have mistaken her actions for something more serious, like theft, rather than just simply preventing me from paying for myself.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @rdgrad15-

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I wasn't going to make her pay for the burger, I was just about to pay for it myself. So I don't know what went wrong there. She wound up paying for it and that was it. I felt guilty afterwards and felt like maybe I shouldn't have ordered at all. From that point on, anytime there was an outing and I went along, I would actually secretly eat some food in the cafeteria before even meeting up to head out.
I felt that maybe I wasn't supposed to order food with them after all or maybe I misheard or misunderstood something. A couple times, I didn't even go along because I was afraid of that happening again. I felt bad but at the same time, wondered if she was secretly wishing she didn't have to do it. I felt guilty since I felt she was doing it out of obligation.

I think you are thinking about this example an awful lot without getting clarification. As scary as it is, why dont you call, text or email or take this person aside and be honest. Tell her you planned on paying for your food and understood she was paying for drinks and when she chose to pay for you in confused you and you are worried things got off on the wrong foot. I was wondering if she agreed to buy the drinks was she just going to give everyone some cash separately to pay for their own drinks? Or was it one order with all the drinks and she was paying all at once. If this is the case then your burger would have been included in that one purchase of drinks so she may have thought you expected her to pay for your food or annoyed that you didnt wait until this purchase was complete and then placed your food order. Am I making sense?

Other times I’ve accepted a coworker’s offer to give me a ride. I offered to give gas money but she declined, saying it’s pointless since we live literally less than a minute away from each other on the same road. No back tracking either. I eventually came to find out she didn’t really like doing that and got irritable towards me. I stopped accepting rides from her. I don’t want to inconvenience her or anyone else.

How did you find out that she didnt like doing this?

I now wonder how to decide when it is okay to politely decline someone to do something polite. I find myself doing it more often now since I always worry people are secretly hoping I will decline. Is there something wrong maybe I am doing or do people tend to regret their politeness more often that I thought? Just confused and not sure if declining people's offers more often than I used to is the right thing to do or not.

You have every right to decline any help whenever you want but you shouldnt do this because you fear THEY want you to decline. People should not offer help if they do not mean it. If you are offered help and you accept its not your concern whether they meant it or not. You have to take it at face value and stop looking for the subtext or hidden meaning. At the same time to avoid any bad feelings you are also allowed to say no all the time.

There has been many other cases as well. I may be doing something alone or about to walk somewhere and someone will ask if I need help or a ride and if I said yes, they will give a sigh of annoyance.

How can you tell annoyance from a sigh? I think you are reading way too much into this. You have no idea why they are sighing.
They would not have stopped what they are doing and asked you if you needed help if they didnt want to. And sighing is just sighing.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @rdgrad15-

I think you are thinking about this example an awful lot without getting clarification. As scary as it is, why dont you call, text or email or take this person aside and be honest. Tell her you planned on paying for your food and understood she was paying for drinks and when she chose to pay for you in confused you and you are worried things got off on the wrong foot. I was wondering if she agreed to buy the drinks was she just going to give everyone some cash separately to pay for their own drinks? Or was it one order with all the drinks and she was paying all at once. If this is the case then your burger would have been included in that one purchase of drinks so she may have thought you expected her to pay for your food or annoyed that you didnt wait until this purchase was complete and then placed your food order. Am I making sense?

How did you find out that she didnt like doing this?

You have every right to decline any help whenever you want but you shouldnt do this because you fear THEY want you to decline. People should not offer help if they do not mean it. If you are offered help and you accept its not your concern whether they meant it or not. You have to take it at face value and stop looking for the subtext or hidden meaning. At the same time to avoid any bad feelings you are also allowed to say no all the time.

How can you tell annoyance from a sigh? I think you are reading way too much into this. You have no idea why they are sighing.
They would not have stopped what they are doing and asked you if you needed help if they didnt want to. And sighing is just sighing.

Hey @sarahsweets, sorry it took me a while to get back to you. To answer your question, her paying for drinks was on a individual basis, not as one huge check. Just simply gave cash for us to get drinks. But I can see your point of view, it's likely something changed in her plans and I didn't realize it or something and she went off. I still think she could have handled it better though since I specifically said I would get my own food and even had my card out ready to pay. So something must have been up that caused her to snap that I am aware of. The reason I realized she didn't like doing it is because she was clearly relieved when it was decided at any other time that we would not go out to eat somewhere. Unfortunately the job she had actually didn't pay her.

She got paid through donations and it wasn't much so I could see why she would be glad to not feel obligated to do so. I'd feel the same way if I was in her position. In terms of sensing annoyance in a sigh, it is not just a regular sigh. It's an obvious annoyed gesture. The person's facial expression turns into one of disapproval and annoyance and if they sigh like I mentioned, it's very loud and abrupt and a couple times I've even had people tilt their head back as well while looking very annoyed. I do agree that there are people that actually want to help when they offer but unfortunately, this is not always the case. This hasn't happened to just me either, I've seen it happen to others.

I've been with someone else and someone would come up to the person I'm with and the person I'm with will offer a favor, as soon as the favor was accepted and the person who accepted it left, the person I was with will suddenly be very annoyed and ask why they need to do a favor for someone. So that's why i believe that just because someone offers a favor doesn't mean they actually want their offer accepted. But I get what you mean and I wish it was true that people wouldn't offer if they didn't want to but unfortunately it's not always the case.

For some reason, especially those who are close to each other, feel obligated to offer favors to others while secretly wishing their offer is declined. And if it's accepted then they get secretly annoyed, perhaps even wishing they didn't make an offer in the first place. I've even seen it happen among people I don't know. There has been numerous times I've been somewhere and I just happened to be nearby a couple people or even a small group, like family or friends, and I would see this exact same scenario play out. That's why I believe this is way more common than people realize unfortunately. That's why I'm also very careful and anytime I do accept a favor, I always make sure they know they don't have to do it.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yeah I do the same thing. I’m very careful when it comes to paying checks with friends and yeah I have started to make myself clear more now. Back then with the burger, I did say I was paying and even had my card out and was just about to hand it to the cashier but I let the lady stop it from happening.

I should have made it clear that I was paying, not her but I didn’t want to make a scene. It can be tricky. And yeah in terms of people saying you don’t need to pay them back, sometimes I do think they secretly hope you do which is understandable.

She should have know you intended to pay any miscommunication was not your fault. Anyone who offers then sighs are not worth bothering with

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by LonelyMan

She should have know you intended to pay any miscommunication was not your fault. Anyone who offers then sighs are not worth bothering with

Yeah I agree.