[poshgirl]

Watching a programme last night about young volunteers in the NHS. An interesting question was raised, as one could not handle washing elderly patients. None objected to him; it was purely his personal feelings.

Should an elderly relative (mother or father) expect their children to take care of personal needs. I have a cousin who is wheelchair bound after two strokes. One of her grown-up sons is quite happy to take her to the toilet. The other admitted he cannot do it. Does she love him any less? Of course not.

There's no right or wrong answer to this. Would be interesting to hear other views on what can be a difficult subject.

Originally Posted by poshgirl

Watching a programme last night about young volunteers in the NHS. An interesting question was raised, as one could not handle washing elderly patients. None objected to him; it was purely his personal feelings.

Should an elderly relative (mother or father) expect their children to take care of personal needs. I have a cousin who is wheelchair bound after two strokes. One of her grown-up sons is quite happy to take her to the toilet. The other admitted he cannot do it. Does she love him any less? Of course not.

There's no right or wrong answer to this. Would be interesting to hear other views on what can be a difficult subject.

what programme was that?

I am also from the UK (but must have missed it)

it is a difficult subject for sure.

I know for me, I simply wouldn't want a friend or relative to take care of me (when I get to that point in life, because I wouldn't want to be a burden

I also couldn't do it myself. I cant cope with bodily fluids, I could do it if it was a simple case of taking someone to the toilet and standing by the door while they go, but nothing more- no way would I wipe up sick, or clean anything else from someone's body. it's just gross, and you need to be prepared for that kind of job (I have a friend going in to that job after she's spent lots of time working with kids, so it's going to be interesting how she copes)

to the question: should they do it, I suppose it depends

no one wants to send their loved one to a nursing home. apart from the fact that they are their loved one, their are stories of bad care in nursing homes... my grandmother who had dimentia was treated really badly in one (they would leave her for hours just sitting in her own filth)
if someone thinks they can handle it, then why not. I think their comes a point in everyone's life when it gets to much for the family

and then it's obviously how much the family in question can cope with

also: another factor is if the home and stuff is suitable

example: the relative needs a stairlift and the family can't aford it, or stairs is out of the question and you live in a place with stairs

[poshgirl]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

what programme was that?

I am also from the UK (but must have missed it)

It was on BBC2 9pm. Called The Big Hospital Experiment.

[Calypso2632]

i honestly think it depends on the person themselves and also the family dynamic. also the person who will be cared for if the are still able to have a say what do they want? most dont want anything to do with going into a home and resent the hell out of family for putting them there, others dont want to put burden on their family. im a cna and have seen both sides.
also being a cna i could not take care of my own mother due to personal trauma/relationship with her even tho i have the experience and skill to keep her at home, care for her when the time comes. i will not sacrifice myself, my mental well being. it may sound horrible, but it is what it is.

[Misterpain]

I'm a dumb American!

I took care of every aged or disabled family member ,JMHO that's what family does for family .

That said I am the end of the line, the only child of only child , I have a rare and deadly disease ,so I know our family history going back to the 1600's ,I had a choice when I was younger play god with my penis and pray my children didn't hate me for passing this on ,or use protection have no children and when my progressive degenerative disease got bad as it is get an aide (I have had one for the last 11 years ,I am near the end of my road as a mortal being ,doctors gave me seven to 11 year survival ,11 years ago)

So again JMHO If you can stomach personal care or do a related field (Nurse/Paramedic in my ablebodied version) its not a finacially rewarding postion and yes can be brutal emotionaly , but for me, i learned so muxh first hand from people who lived it ,i feel blessed to have heard the stories and learned from them .but my care has to be trusted to a stranger,because I am fresh out of family .on the other side of the coin my G/F has her adult daughter help her when aides aren't available, her grown sons "want no part of seeing where they came from or cleaning it" direct qoute.

So it's a very personal decision on getting involved . As a side note we are not always the nicest people ,our battles are not always the prettiest things to be associated with ,as our bodies fail sometimes the worst part is mentally accepting your "New normal".

Alright that's both a caregivers perspective and a person in care (I mentor personal care attendants as a "hobby" towards fully preparing them for the physical and psychological stress,my tagline is "I am the same guy no matter which side of the bed rail you meet me on" . We don't change when our bodies do ,if your a nice person you don't become an ogre from getting sick .

[~Christina]

I have always worked in medical.

I have taken care of thousands of people in nursing homes young and old over the years.

I have no problems dealing with fully taking care of a persons needs, anyone regardless of age doesn’t want to be dependent on someone to keep them clean, bath and feed them etc

I most certainly would take care of any loved one if they needed it. Not all nursing homes are a safe caring place for our people in need.

But it’s not for everyone for sure.

[ShadowGX]

I currently work in the field myself. Some parts of it bother me, for instance I cannot handle working in nursing homes or hospitals due to how stressful and sad they are. There's multiple reasons a family member may not participate in taking care of their elderly or disabled family members, some selfish, and some totally reasonable. I agree with an above post that it's all about the family dynamic. What matters is that the person gets taken care of in the best way possible, whether that means hiring someone like myself to do it or relying on family. I would hate for either of those options to mean the person doesn't get the care they deserve, so if a person cannot handle the situation for whatever reason then an alternative should be found.

When my parents get to that age I want to be involved as much as I reasonably can. I don't know where I will be in life at that point, so it's hard to say how hands-on I could be or if I need to trust them to the care of a home care aide or assisted living. Based on my experience in the field and being the oldest child, it will likely be my responsibility even if I didn't want it. I'm sure at least one of my brothers will help, but the other probably won't because he's selfish and distant emotionally, probably will be by location too by then. Who knows, maybe he will change, and I sure hope he does. The way he acts now I would not want him involved in the care of our parents, he would do just the bare minimum, if that, and probably complain the entire time about doing it. I even worry he could neglect them entirely, which is not only bad for our parents' health, but also me and the good brother as well since we would be responsible for them being taken care of.

tl;dr? I'd rather proper care given than "force" family to do it if they won't do a good job.

[bpcyclist]

I always believe family has a responsibility to family. That said, my family (with one exception, my dad) does not share this view. Their approach when someone gets spectacularly ill is to abandon and shun and excommunicate them. That's what happened to me. Me, I would always be there for them. 100%. Count me in.

[Calypso2632]

i just want to add on here that good care and a good home/facility or hospital would be a must. do homework, a site visit, reviews ect. even in my case i wouldn't want my mom or anyone to get bad care or neglected, but bad places, and staff exist. its horrible but true. my mother and i moved in with my great grand father because he didn't want to die in a home and his daughter (my moms mom) was just gonna toss him in one and move on with her life. my mother wouldn't hear of it. this is what prompted me into the carer field and role.

ETA: or an in home aid, hospice at the end, or as needed, what you need for help and breaks. we did that and qualified for a care giver towards the end of life but before hospice care level to give my mom and me away time from the house to do things.

[TunedOut]

I could do this for my family but my upper body strength is now so limited that I could probably only clean, monitor, etc but would have to have help whenever lifting was involved. I wouldn't want my husband to go in a nursing home. However, it is also important to figure out how to get help and not feel like you have to be there 24 hours a day. You have to know your limits but also be there for them. I am sure my husband would do this for me and he has done it for his family.

It is understandable that not everyone would be comfortable doing this for strangers. Washing a bed bound person is an intimate and loving act. I was in critical care then bed bound for a while and some of the nurses doing this were such loving people. There was a petite nurse who took care of me when I was in critical care who would get stressed out when I was in pain and she couldn't fix it but she was so attentive (she seemed like the type who didn't miss things) and did all she could. Some of my nurses were saints. Those young people are learning how to serve others and learning what is their cup of tea. Good topic.