Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

So, anyone who has been following my story knows that to avoid being homeless after moving out of my mother's 55+ bldg. this summer when she went into a nursing home, I had 3 options for a roof over my head:

+be homeless
+craigslist roommate #1: tiny basement no egress window w/dog, toddler, estranged husband of landlord and her roommate who is in AA treatment
+referred roommate from acquaintance who lives in same neighborhood where I grew up (what I wasn't told is that she is mentally ill)

I chose option #3 b/c no one told me my current roommate of 5 months is seriously mentally ill. She presented herself to be a normal, middle aged divorced mom of 1 teenager when we first met. I quickly learned one month into moving in with her that was far from the truth.

This week was the second time she was taken to the local hospital and placed into temporary care in the mental health ward. The plan, I was told by her sister and friends, was to have her transferred FINALLY to the hospital's inpatient treatment program.

Didn't happen.

I got a text today from her sister and her friend that she would be coming back to her house today. Apparently, the stupid psychiatrists were convinced by my roommate's blatant lying that she would agree to be transported to outpatient therapy and take her meds prescribed.

I was told by her sister and her best friend that this cycle has been repeating for 5 years. My roommate has not gone to outpatient therapy, or takes her prescribed medications.

I feel like I'm Bridget Fonda's character in the movie "Single White Female," living with Jennifer Jason Leigh's character. Granted, my roommate has not tried to murder me in the 5 months I've lived with her, but minus that, she is definitely mentally ill having not left her bedroom in 5 months or looked for a job, or opened her mail, done any house work, etc.,.

Now, as people already know if you read my threads, I do not have a full-time job. I do not have savings. I am literally stuck living w/this roommate until I can 1) get a full-time job soon or 2) hold out until I get my spring grad school refund the middle of February. I have been in a financial transition since quitting my job last year to move in w/my mother to take care of her. That is what precipitated my current living situation and financial straits.

Not having a full-time job really does impede one's ability to live a stable life.

I am at the public library hoping my roommate has had time to decompress from her 4 night stay, so that I won't be walking into some chaos. As in, I hope she leaves my guest bedroom space alone.

Am I overreacting? Do you think?

What a nightmare. I am so sorry you are faced with all this. And no, in my opinion, you are not overreacting one bit. It seems a bit of an odd story that this has been going on for 5 years and she hasn't been seriously hospitalized. I wonder what else they aren't telling you.

Who is responsible for paying the rent or mortgage on the place you are renting? That worries me. What kind of lease did you sign? Should you be looking at another place?

Sending you support and positive vibes.

bpcyclist - oh believe, me they are harboring some serious dark secrets and are slipping out tidbits about said dark secrets because I have not been confrontational around my roommate, but rather acting as her live-in PCA to avoid her trying to murder me a la Single White Female Jennifer Jason Leigh style.

tidbit #1: her husband divorced her last year (4 years into this cycle of hers) and remarried.

tidbit #2: she has been fired from every "gig" job she's ever had (in the entertainment industry, that's all I will say) yet her friend of 40 years lamented to me that I don't the "real" her, who is: someone who is the life of the party, who is kind hearted, who fights for women's rights, who is thoughtful and caring and fights for what is right.

tidbit #3: she is wealthy from her gig work and her parents' wealth; her bills are paid electronically BY HER SISTER who has power of attorney over my roommate (go figure that!) yet she complains to me that she needed a roommate when we met this summer, b/c she just lost her job and needs the extra money (normally she pays someone to house sit her cat and her house b/c she takes multiple trips abroad per year, or so I was told by her friend)

tidbit #4: she ignores her ex-husband lawyer's letters and the family court letters mailed to her, to respond to his petition for full custody of their teenager and for child support payments. *I know this because once they were over, and he made their son wait in the car and they argued with each other about it)

I would say outright that my roommate suffers from Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde syndrome because in the 5 months I've lived here, this is who've I've seen:

-someone who blatantly neglects her teenager when the ex-husband tried to bring him over this summer for a week or two at a time; my roommate would come out of her room to greet him, but then go back inside her bedroom and shut the door. Then, yell through the door that I cook her teenager food to eat. The teenager would walk around their house naked talking to himself, laughing a lot, making YouTube videos (with clothes on) but otherwise naked.

-***** hit the fan the first day of school when her ex-husband asked her to drive their son to school. My roommate refused, and asked me to do it yet I was on my way to my different temp job at the time. So, she called her neighbor to take her son to high school. So, then the ex-husband came and took her car away (I don't know whose car it is) and the son left.

-on weekends on Sundays, the ex-husband and son stop by to bring my roommate food (which she will leave her bedroom to eat) and they spend about 15-20 minutes with her then will leave.

- she eats and does god knows what else in her room. If I turn on any house lights, and then go to a different room she'll come out of her bedroom to turn off the lights. If I turn on the outside light and leave, she'll get up from her bedroom and turn off the outside light so that when I come back to her house its pitch black inside.

-I made her sign a legal lease that I created from a template I found online that it would be an open month-to-month lease with a flexible rent based on me paying for her groceries and part of her electricity bill. This past month I spent $300 on Orkin to deal with the mice infestation in her half-million dollar home plus extra money over the 5 months of spending groceries for myself AND her b/c she'd eat my food without telling me anyway. So, I texted her sister today and told her sister that I was now going to pay severely reduced rent (1/4 of what I paid the past 3 months) because of the expenses i've incurred essentially acting as her sister's live in PCA and not being paid by her sister or the county. Her sister texted back that is fine, that i could electronically send her sister the rent payments now since my roommate hadn't deposited my money order rent checks for the past 3 months. I had to redeposit that money and electronically send it to her sister.

-No one that my roommate reached out to today from the mental hospital would come and get her to take her home, so she took a taxi and paid for it herself.

-Her sister nor her 40 year friend could convince the psychiatrists to transfer my roommate to inpatient treatment, which I find highly suspicious if this has been the repeating pattern with my roommate for the past 5 years. So, I definitely don't know the full story.

-When my roommate was gone, and I cleaned out her disgusting room, I found bottles of unopened antidepressants. So, I saw for myself she hasn't been medicated.

I think her sister is responsible for paying my roommate's mortgage.

I am looking for another roommate situation but what I have going against me is, unfortunately, realistic barriers: I have no full-time job (major barrier) and no savings (another major barrier) AND no one I know will take me in temporarily (I posted about that here in another thread so I won't repeat myself). So, I'm on my own as they say.

I have one final paper left to write for my grad school course. I cannot let this crazy person I live with deter me from completing it. It's not a matter of repeating the course either. This is a precarious situation every angle you view it for me. And I need to get the hell out of it unscathed.

Youre kinda "taking her inventory", as dr phil used to say. I agree, she isnt doing things up to standards of a healthy functioning person, but so what? Her family is basically taking care of her, and it seems they appreciate what you do for her.

So she wants the lights off. Its her house, her money. If you have a smartphone, you have a flashlight.

I would LOVE to have a recluse for a roommate. Maybe because i am one also! Maybe she got depressed because of the holiday and thats why she went to the hospital.

Her husband doesnt sound very understanding of her abilities re their son and thats another problem. But it shouldnt be YOUR problem. If something happened to him, you would have no standing to take him to the hospital or anything. I would tell the sister you cant accept that responsibility.

I am like you, or used to be more like you when i was younger - i wanted things done the right way, and really could not tolerate crazy stuff. Luckily i am now retired and able to isolate. But from afar, your situation doesnt look THAT bad? If only you can step outside it to some extent, and they do seem willing to pay you for your extra work there, so i would not "take ADVANTAGE" i.e., excessively, but i would keep careful books. Trustworthy live-in companion would be a good recommendation.

unaluna since this is a community, I'll just say this: you and I will just agree to disagree 100%.

She is not married anymore. So, he's her ex-husband. And I'm not taking inventory. Her behavior towards me -- her roommate -- is totally unreasonable and passive-aggressive. I pay half the rent.

She didn't check herself in to the hospital either. Her friend and two county workers showed up with the intention of bringing her to the inpatient ward after a temporary stay in the other ward. The psychiatrists released my roommate because she convinced them she was not suicidal or homicidal. Apparently, you can only be one or the other, to qualify for inpatient treatment.

And, since my roommate's behavior has been enabled by her family and friends for the past 5-6 years, she will continue to skate by the mental health system's safety guards and likely NOT receive the quality care she clearly needs, b/c there's no one living with her to monitor her behavior, who is paid by the county, like a PCA would; to make sure she takes her prescribed meds, and goes to outpatient therapy.

Her family and friends are not doing this for my roommate. So, she stays in her bedroom and does nothing and lets her family and friends enable her behavior.

I am not her PCA. I just wanted to rent a room! I deserve to be treated with respect as her roommate regarding her turning off the lights, eating my food, demanding I feed her son when he temporarily stayed here, bringing in her mail, paying to deal with a mouse infestation in her house, feeding her cat, doing housework and her laundry. I am not her personal care assistant and was thrown into that role through no fault of my own, by the roommate and her sister keeping her mental illness and ongoing hospitalizations a secret from me.

That is not kosher to keep all of this information secret from a roommate. I expected to be moving into a SAFE environment. You and I clearly have different definitions of that word, "safe." Doesn't matter that we're from a different generation either.

If I would have known this is who my roommate was upfront, I would have taken my chances with the craigslist roommate and her situation. There is something to be said for living in a roommate situation where you feel physically and mentally safe. Your lack of empathy is astounding. Thanks.

Points taken. Im sorry my viewpoint wasnt helpful.

Unfortunately blanch, inpatient now often only keeps a patient if the patient is suicidal or can cause harm to others. Psychiatric hospitals are not what they used to be. Our mental health system in the US is bad. If your roomate can afford to hybernate as you are describing, unless she is suicidal no one can do anything about it.

Well no your viewpoint was not helpful. You basically accused me of being ungrateful for having a roommate who stays in her room and shuts off the lights and forces me to do everything for her. But again, this is a community and you are entitled to your opinion. I don't have to agree with it. And I certainly don't.

Open Eyes it's shocking to me how subpar psychiatric hospitals are now in the U.S. that my roommate can skate by the way she has been, burdening EVERYONE around her to enable her behavior and prevent her (because she apparently doesn't think she needs) treatment to improve the quality of her life. She can financially afford to hibernate because her sister and mother handle her finances.

I'm just upset that I walked into this situation completely blind to the fact that my roommate is mentally ill. I had no idea, that I would transition from the role of caretaker of my mother for 1 year, into being the caretaker for a complete stranger (referred to me by an acquaintance on Facebook).

The past 5 months have been a strain on my own mental health as a result, because all I want is to find a full-time job, finish grad school, and afford to live in my own apartment. Not live with a complete stranger whose mental illness goes unchecked for all the reasons i mentioned.

In reality in this country the community mental health replaced asylums because it was cheaper and better ,heres the catch politicians dont give a damn about fully funding the way it was designed,so in reality the largest provider of treatment for desperately ill people is actually jail/ prison correctional systems , i hate to say it you can tell alot about a country by how it treats its most vulnerable marginalized people ,as inequlity and serious social ills continue to squeeze budgets full funding social programs to combat these are not on the horizon .

Your situation sucks in many levels , I’m sorry

I am glad you have a month to month lease and her sister did agree to a much lower rent each month thankfully.

My daughter also just due to the unbelievable rent where she lives also rents a room, most have all worked out well luckily. She got in one situation kind of like yours. My daughter has Bipolar so finding out a roommate has undisclosed mental illness wasn’t a huge problem , but shes never felt unsafe so there is a difference of course. My daughter did buy a small dorm size refrigerator for her room so her food wasn’t being eaten.

As for taking care of her son? No just no.. if she yells for you to feed him or drive him, you simply say no.

Why not ask her sister to have a lock installed on your bedroom door. Would give you more of a sense of safety maybe?

It’s true unless someone is suicidal or a threat to someone there just isn’t a bed IP for them. If she doesn’t want help to get better no one can force her.

It sucks that your in a situation that right now you have no way to physically escape and find a better living situation

It is possible that her sister is using you as a safety net for her sister , if things get outta hand she probably thinks you would call her. Totally wrong for her to do this to you. Does she expect you to call her if her sister really gets bad or something?

I’m sorry your in such a lousy situation

Oh, I can imagine the strain you are under given all you have been through first with your mother then with this very mentally ill stranger. Do your best to stay determined to finally finish grad school so you can get a full time job and finally be able to have a place of your own. Life can definitely throw us some nasty curve balls that's for sure. Do give yourself hugs and commend yourself for being strong and determined.

Thanks for your encouragement, Open Eyes. This has definitely been a year and a half of nasty curve balls. And I love baseball.

I reread my thread here on negative emotions as a reminder to use my current negative emotions constructively, to spur me on to finish my grad school course final paper so I can pass and stay enrolled in my program, while also putting up with being unemployed and jumping through all the county hoops put in place for job seekers, so that I can somehow strategically use those hoops to get access to a full-time job once and for all, and a plan to move out of my roommate's place when spring rolls around if I"m still living with her.

My roommate's sister texted me that she wants to "revisit" my imposed reduced rent in January, to see if that is still sustainable for her sister's monthly mortgage payment. My interpretation: she is tired of paying some of my roommate/her sister's mortgage payment and wants me to pony up half the mortgage payment like I initially did. Well, if I get another temp job in December, and I can stay enrolled in my grad program after passing this course, then I should be able to pay the rent amount I paid in July and August because I'll have my spring refund to help me move out once and for all.

I'm grateful to have a roof over my head, but it's definitely come at a cost to my own peace of mind. I never EVER want to live with a roommate again after this experience. I'm done with roommates...unless it's a Golden Girls re-enactment when I get enough money to move to FL in my 60s or 70s (if I'm still alive) and need to find roommates to live with. But from 48-65, as the great actress Greta Garbo said, "I want to be left alone."

What a lousy situation. Yes, I agree w you and open eyes that life can sure throw us curveballs sometimes.

You sound motivated to move out of this and it sounds like you have a plan, too. That's great and glad to hear it. Channel those negative emotions!

Thanks Wooven for your kind words. It is a very lousy situation. I brought it upon myself though, not vetting my roommate better. I didn't think to ask her, if she was on antidepressants or anything (not that she would have been transparent with me to begin with, as she is still a complete stranger to me 5 months later living with her I don't know her any better than when I first met her, other than learning more about her mental illness and the web of people involved who perpetuate it with her). The other 2 choices were just as bad. Be homeless, or live in a woman's basement where her estranged husband still had access to, where there was a large dog, a toddler, the homeowner/estranged wife, and her friend/roommate in AA.

All because I quit my job to move in with my mother after she had a stroke and deal with her dementia for a year as it grew worse. What if I hadn't quit my job and just put my foot down with my sister and did everything from my own apartment I still had at the time? A totally different outcome, most likely. Oh well. That's not self-pity either. It's self-awareness that the choices I made last fall weren't in MY best interest long-term. But, how does one successfully forecast the outcome of their decisions long-term? There has to be a fool proof methodology.

I am motivated b/c the alternative is my roommate down the hall from where I sleep right now; a very mentally ill middle aged woman. Not someone I want to become. All I can do is channel my negative emotions. I'm writing a paper on creative problem solving and my professor gave me permission to use my living/unemployment situations as my paper's topic. Quite apropos, don't you think?!

I told my professor that I'm writing this paper as a way to motivate myself to solve my two major problems using all the tools and resources taught in her course. So, there's more than a passing grade riding on this paper. Can I actually make my solutions work, that I propose?

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna Youre kinda "taking her inventory", as dr phil used to say. I agree, she isnt doing things up to standards of a healthy functioning person, but so what? Her family is basically taking care of her, and it seems they appreciate what you do for her. So she wants the lights off. Its her house, her money. If you have a smartphone, you have a flashlight. I would LOVE to have a recluse for a roommate. Maybe because i am one also! Maybe she got depressed because of the holiday and thats why she went to the hospital. Her husband doesnt sound very understanding of her abilities re their son and thats another problem. But it shouldnt be YOUR problem. If something happened to him, you would have no standing to take him to the hospital or anything. I would tell the sister you cant accept that responsibility. I am like you, or used to be more like you when i was younger - i wanted things done the right way, and really could not tolerate crazy stuff. Luckily i am now retired and able to isolate. But from afar, your situation doesnt look THAT bad? If only you can step outside it to some extent, and they do seem willing to pay you for your extra work there, so i would not "take ADVANTAGE" i.e., excessively, but i would keep careful books. Trustworthy live-in companion would be a good recommendation.

I disagree. I think since Blanche is doing so much for this woman that she has a right to expect certain things.

I agree, it's not the situation she wanted, but it's the situation she's in. I once rented a room from a man who said he was a medical writer, not disclosing until later that he'd lost his practicing privileges because of a drug problem. So i understand not feeling safe, and things not being "right".

Is she in danger like Jane Eyre, where the woman is locked away but escapes and sets the house on fire? I dont think so. I see it more as a matter of, life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Hmm. I live a quiet life now, but i have a somewhat checkered past! No wonder im so tired?

Try not to beat yourself up for whatever you did that ended up leading to where you are now in your life. Actually, that is where this room mate has been, something happened to her that hurt her badly and she has crawled in that room and simply doesn't want to try and engage anymore. It could be a combination of things that affected her to where she cant seem to function. She may have experienced a big change in her hormone levels, perhaps menopaus hit her severely. I experienced for myself a state where I could not function, could not get out of bed and it was due to a reaction to an implant of Lupron that stopped my period so I could heal from having lazor surgery for endometriosis. What happened is the Lupron not only stopped my period but I ended up having NO estrogen from it. blanch, I could not function and I did not know why, I could not even get out of bed and what you are describing of your room mate is reminding me of how bad I was and it was definitely not a choice of mine to be that way. My family did not know what to do similar to this woman's family and friends. Then I went to see my gynocologist and sat across from him crying and saying "what is wrong with me, I can't seem to function". That's when he did a blood test and found out I literally had zero estrogen and I was put on estrogen and Zoloft. It took time for me to function, it literally felt like a huge fog was gradually lifting.

Actually, when my older brother came up to go to the hearing about my parent's estate with me, he started talking to the two women behind the desk in the waiting room. He talked about his battle with prostrate cancer and that the doctors he had seen were going to let him die until he found a doctor that gave him life saving treatments. The treatments affected his Testasterone levels and like me he began to struggle. My brother said he experienced male menopause and he was at a Disney movie with his grandchild and the next thing he knew he dropped his head and kept sobbing. He said he now has a lot of sympathy for what women experience when they have hormone challenges. And one of these women really appreciated him sharing that because she had a hard time while fighting breast cancer.

People can struggle badly with mental illness and it should not just be considered a choice they are making. There are things taking place in their body that can most definitely affect their brain. Actually, it would be good if you wrote to this woman's sister and mention that this woman actually may be suffering from a huge drop in her estrogen/horomones and that should be checked. If a woman is dealing with horomone issues and it is not addressed, this can cripple someone for years. Who knows, this woman may even be suffering from early onset dementia.

One of the things I have learned due to my own personal mental health challenges is to not just decide a person is choosing to suffer. And mental health providers can actually miss important things when it comes to helping a patient too. You quit your job to take care of your mother who suffered a stroke, she could not help the challenges she experienced resulting from having a stroke. You had no way of knowing if your mother would recover or if she would get to a point where she needed more help than you could provide.

Now you are experiencing in your effort to get a roof over your head, a woman who is clearly very mentally ill and is not functioning. You are only finding out some history etc., here and there and you had no way of knowing the kind of living situation this problem would create for you personally. It's understandable that considering your own struggle and having to deal with no help that you would feel the way you do about this room mate. Well, this woman at one point was happy, was a good person who engaged life and people cared about her and now she is barely functioning, something changed her and she isn't "lucky" and it's very probable that she IS really suffering and it's not her choice and there is something missing that is not being recognized and that DOES happen.

Try not to blame yourself, you could not have forseen any of this. It's totally understandable that you often feel anger too. Here you are just trying to keep a roof over your head and there is this woman who lives in a nice home and gets to hide out in her bedroom, something you certainly could not do. That's hard and it's understandable you would feel angry. Thing is blanch, if you got to experience what this woman actually is experiencing, I am certain you would not want to trade places with her for all the money in the world. Say to yourself, "I am here just temporarily, I am going to finish my paper, I am going to move forward with MY own life and keep going on my own path towards regaining my own ability to provide for myself". You did it before and you can do it again and perhaps even better than before and that's your goal now.

Sorry, but your snarky tone and complete lack of empathy with your responses in my thread says otherwise.

Just because my roommate's not like Jack Nicholson axing through the bathroom door in a maniacal way at Shelly Duvall, doesn't mean she's created "safe" environment for me to live in as her roommate.

Here's the difference Open Eyes -- I am my mother's daughter so I felt OBLIGATED to help her when my siblings wouldn't. I am NOT related to my roommate. We are utter strangers. I don't owe her free PCA care services as someone who has paid half of her mortgage since this summer. So, while I understand your suggestion to reach out to my roommate's sister to ask her about testing my roommate for menopause, I'm not going to do that. That is not my job. Since my roommate's been this way for 5-6 years, there's been plenty of time for her sister or her mother or ex-husband or close friends or her general physician to test her for menopause. Or another health condition causing this.

Remember, I cleaned out her disgusting room this week and found full bottles of antidepressants that had already been prescribed to my roommate that were recent, that she had not even opened by all appearances. Is it my JOB now, as her roommate, to check on her? No, it isn't.

Last night I was up working on my final grad class paper until 4 a.m., mostly spurred on by the anxiety of wondering if she was going to do anything weird. Remember, I don't know this woman. I"ve never lived with someone who has had multiple mental health hospitalizations so this is a new experience for me. She came back yesterday acting as if she'd been in FL for the week and was acting chipper asking me about what I'd been up to and how my Thanksgiving was. THAT IS NOT NORMAL! So I walked on egg shells with her all day/night last night and probably will going forward until I can move out. It may be "just another day" for my roommate and her circle of enablers, but not for me.

I am only here to rent a room and feel safe while doing so.

Is my roommate choosing to suffer? Yes, she is. She's wallowing and full of self-pity and not doing ANYTHING to help herself even if she has menopause or some other serious health problem that causes her to stay in bed 24/7 and act passive-aggressive w/me as her roommate. Her neighbor told me this has been the routine for 5-6 years now. Do you really think some health diagnosis was missed during this time, that is causing my roommate to act this way? I have my serious doubts.

I get that you and your bother bother suffered debilitating side effects from each of your health issues and how that knocked you both out. But that's different from my roommate I believe.

When I had Lymes Disease in my teens, I was wiped out and had an IV catheter in my arm so I couldn't participate in sports, or drive a car, or play my piano. But did I lay in my bed all day wallowing, "Oooh, I have Lymes poor meee waahh." No, I sure didn't. When my dad had cancer, he STILL went to work every day. I'm sure he wanted to stay in bed all day and wallow in self-pity but his work gave him a purpose.

While I think you are somewhat right about reasons people seemingly give up on life (that are related to undiagnosed health problems), I think the flip side of the coin is that some people are just actually selfish assholes and don't care how their behavior affects others. And, I feel like after 5 months, I can definitively say, I think my roommate is a mentally ill, selfish asshole who has had 5-6 years to figure out why she chooses to stay in bed 24/7 and do nothing but eat Nestles chocolate chips, text all day long, and Netflix Binge in her king size bed that's covered in food garbage and smells teen spirit -- if the teen peed in her bed and never took a shower for 5 months.

She won't take her prescribed antidepressants. She won't go to outpatient therapy. She's willfully refusing to take the reigns of her life back. Whatever precipitated this spiral of her life 5-6 years ago, has had time to fester and time to address and treat.

She remains out of reach from inpatient treatment because she isn't homicidal or suicidal and doesn't seem to give a **** that she is burdening me, her family and her friends. IF this were new behavior and I moved in, I'd have more empathy for her. I would. But 5-6 years of this cycle of rinse and repeat? C'mon. It has to be something as simple as, she's entitled, enabled, and simply doesn't care.

As a result, she's lost custody of her son (it's not safe for him to live with her, I witnessed this as a complete stranger myself), she lost her county healthcare and county unemployment by refusing to open her mail from the county which we all know is deadline driven; you snooze you lose your welfare benefits. Not that she needs them, b/c her sister's footing her mortgage bill plus the rent money I've paid.

She is intentionally choosing not to take action with her life to improve it, to deal with whatever has caused this 5-6 years. I don't know her so I can't say what type of person she was before I moved in to her house this summer and I"m not even going to go there, because that's irrelevant. I have minimal empathy for her, because life is ****ing short. You want to lay in bed all day and not face the music? That's your choice.

My dad continued to work until 10 days before his leukemia developed from his cancer that was in remission and it disabled him so fast to the point where we barely had time to say goodbye to him before he passed away. I was hit by a truck and hospitalized and spent months in physical rehabilitation. When I went home, I didn't work for a few more months but then I found a job that lasted for a few years.

So, my roommate and I are very different. I don't just give up and hide in bed all day and I struggle to empathize with people who choose to do that instead of face life's shitshow head on. Maybe that's why I have a small circle of friends.

I wish you would point out where you are getting snark in my tone, or a lack of empathy. I admit, empathy does not come natural to me, because i was not raised with it. I was raised with constant sarcasm (and criticism), which i try to keep out of my posts, even "funny" ones. I recognize how serious this situation is for you, and i truly feel for you.

I agree, she has not created a safe environment. Her sister tries to make it safer, or safe enough.

I see similarities between this and your recent temp jobs. Like, they keep throwing you the ball, but for some reason you dont run with it. I wish those had turned out better for you. I used to temp, and even when you work your heart out, they tell you youre too slow. Wtf. Plus you are truly alone.

I think you have more freedom to take more responsibility and make more positive choices than you realize. To take action. I am rooting for you to find solutions.

Like they say, it is easier to get forgiveness than to get permission.

Eta - re your response to OE - I can hear my own mother saying to me, "why do you care what SHE does? Just do your own work!" So i have voiced similar gripes. I think its a boundary issue. I know i had very bad boundaries most of my life.

Given what you have shared blanch, I can understand how this situation really bothers you. It's hard sometimes to get a real picture of what someone is actually trying to share without seeing it one's self. I have tried to share what I have experienced in dealing with my older sister and I honestly don't think others understand just how toxic she can really be. She can get so incredibly toxic that it's been embarrassing that she is my sister. People tend to actually hide when she is around to avoid her and that includes nurses and professionals in the health care field. Even a lawyer she hired had to appologize to my lawyer for something that was sent to my lawyer that my sister wrote. My lawyer, after meeting her looked at me and said OMG what a mean witch your sister is, WOW. Truth is, her behavior has been so toxic it has traumatized me.

It sucks on SO many levels. Yes indeed it does.

I can ask her sister via text if I can install a lock on my guest bedroom door that I rent. The worst she can say is no. Right now, I have been using a chair (I told my family physician about my roommate b/c I had been thinking about seeing a therapist but can't with my temp hours so I have to see random unlicensed grad school social worker students at the evening walk in clinic for emotional support).

I do think you are right -- that my roommate's sister is using me as a safety net. That, I'm here to prevent my roommate from harming herself at the very worst, and that I would call my roommate's sister with updates if something happened.

I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I read that caretaking elderly parents can have lasting health impacts on the adult child caregiver for YEARS (depression for one, and other physical health problems). What impact will living with this 55 year old depressed woman have on me on top of that?

That's probably what concerns me the most. I am thinking of using what little money I have to take some community education art or music classes, so that I have a creative outlet. Sort of like, DIY art and music therapy to help me cope and get through this god-awful period.

I am temping again. I am supposed to find out if this other company will decide to hire me or not soon. And by "soon" I mean, the end of December. My god, if they hired me (as awful as a temp job as it is), that means stable income for at least 1-2 years that would let me move into my own place. And, then I could relax and focus on taking more grad school courses instead of wasting my grad school money to live on, which means I can't use that grad school money to pay for the courses. But I digress...

Tonight, I set some boundaries with my roommate after a sleepless night (due to my own anxiety). I told her that if she wants me to buy her food, she has to give me the money ahead of time. (I don't trust her to give me money after, since she never deposited my rent checks for the past 3 months). She was short with me, "Ok, thank you." Whatever. I am not her caregiver. I'm not being paid by the county to take care of her.

Her sister had told me she would be visiting this week. So far, I haven't seen or heard from her sister. And her ex-husband stopped by tonight to take my roommate's care away from her again. Not sure why he does it. I didn't ask. I don't want to get involved beyond what I've already been involved with.

I won't bring up my roommate's hospitalizations with her. No need to trigger her and create more stress for myself.

I'm sorry that your daughter has bipolar. But she is at least taking responsibility for her treatment and diagnosis. My roommate who is 55 years old and knows better, who's been this way since she was 49, is willfully refusing to take responsibility for herself.

I need to take care of my mental and physical health, I think, while I live here. I think i will look into those community education classes. If I don't do something art-music related as self-therapy, then I'll need to force myself to get involved in Meetups again to get away from this roommate and her miserable energy because it's affecting my energy levels now too.

I think your doing all you can pro actively to make this lousy situation into something you can tolerate until you find an escape.

I would push hard for that lock. If the sister refuses you can always use the ole rubber door stop , jam in under the door at night. No way could she get the door open.

Find peace of mind where ever you can. Getting involved with art music etc will not only get you out of the house more but something that can have soothing effect on you.

I'm going to just go buy a rubber door stop tomorrow. That will work the best.

Thanks for your post Christina! I appreciate it!

Actually Blanche, from what you have described of this woman? She fits into just want you have quoted "I don't want realism, I want magic". She is in the same place Blanche was in Streetcar named Desire. The difference is that back then in the time of that movie women like that could be taken away to an asylm, today that kind of place doesn't really exist. Her sister like in the movie is stuck and is trying to keep her at a distance so she doesn't intrude on her life just as was the case in that movie.