Roommate not put into in-patienty treatment

Just wanted to say that my last post is not a response to your post, we were writing at the same time and I had not seen your latest post yet. Also, please don't take what I say about your room mate as my making excuses for her how she is behaving.

Ok, so she came out and chatted with you a little last nite. She asked you if you were enjoying your dinner, and you decided that she was baiting you to feel like you needed to get her some dinner too. It's very possible she was doing that. It's understandable how you felt a need to set a boundary with that. However, isn't how you have made meals and her eating the food you got part of why you are now paying less in rent? Could her sister have said something to her after all even?

I think what needs to happen is better communication so this baiting feeling you experienced last night doesn't happen. Maybe you can explain things directly to your room mate by writing her a note or texting her? If you are paying less because she has eaten your food or you prepared food for her, then that is what she will expect from you. You can make enough dinner for her to eat, if she doesn't choose to eat it then that's her problem. It could be this woman is used to having things done "for" her and that is something she experienced a lot when she was busy working in this hollywood business world. Some people really can't cook meals and order out a lot. And a lot of individuals that are involved with that business often work on different projects and they work all kinds of hours and a lot of the time food is prepared on location like a kind of cafeteria.

It's hard to have compassion for another person unless you walk in that other person's shoes. When I finally opened up and shared a lot of my history with the therapist that helped me the most, at one point he looked at me with a serious look and said "You have had a lot of trauma in your life, how did you manage to be so resiliant despite all that trauma you experienced"? I have a feeling that because I had to grow up in dysfunction and figure out how to deal with a lot of different temperments and I was the youngest child, I had to learn how to be resiliant. However, I have come to realize through this horrid condition I have been experiencing, that I did NOT feel safe, so I had to learn how to thrive despite not feeling "safe".

I have to say that I would probably handle the situation you faced with your room mate differently. If I was sitting down and eating something I prepared, I may have felt bad that the room mate came out and I had not prepared enough for her too. If I had been watching a movie and she shared that she knew the writer or director, I probably would have taken that as an opportunity to ask her questions. I may have said, "oh, how about I make you something to eat while you tell me all about these people". I am always interested in listening to another persons life voyage tbh. It sounds like this woman worked around a lot of very talented creative people. When it comes to that industry, one works around a lot of different kinds of creative people too and with that a lot of different kinds of personalities and temperments.

I got a job doing something with my ponies I had not imagined doing. I was paid to drive into Manhatten, NY and have one of my ponies be part of an episode that was being created for this newer program that was put out by the same people who do sesame street. The man that hired me does a lot of the animal parts in different productions both on film and on stage. For example, the dog that was used for the movie Annie, was his dog that he trained (he trains animals for movie and theater). The pay he offered was really good and he said it was not going to take that long and that I would be in and out. Well, I learned "never believe that" when it comes to working with creative people. \

This was going to be filmed in a big warehouse. This is how a lot movies and programs are done, in big warehouses. The show was called "OOBIE" and this show was created from deciding to have a program that uses what puppet people learn to do before using actual puppets. They start by using their hands with faces drawn on them and they decided to have hands be puppets in a show. This particular show I was hired for was called "Visiting the Farm" and one of the things these hand puppets were going to do is visit a pony, which turned out to my pony (I was not to be seen only the pony that I handled out of the camera shot. Well, I was only supposed to have a short scene with my pony, but it turned out to last for HOURS. My pony had to understand that these people that played these puppets would be on the ground all around her and the only thing the camera would show was part of their arms and the hands with faces on them. Actually, what I learned when I visited that warehouse is that all the sets are up in the air and the people operating the puppets are below that and all that's filmed is the puppets and the sets. So when you see it on the TV all you see are the sets and the puppets, you don't see how that is actually done. Well, I had no idea until I saw the sets and watched what they did to film the puppets and my pony. And when you get all these creative people together? They all have different ideas of what they want and that's why what was supposed to be a very short quick job for me, ended up actually taking the entire day. Also, these individuals get hungry and send out for food, no one is cooking, and a lot of these people just get used to having their food prepared for them. Everything is around the "creating" it's all consuming. You know that saying "Ugh, don't make a production out of this". Well, I really found out where that comes from. I got paid for getting to experience something a lot of people never get to experience. It was a VERY interesting day. I got to experience a different kind of "Art Community".

So, I would be very interested in listening to this room mate of yours. She has experienced things that many people simply don't get to experience. When a movie is over we see a long list of credits, these credits list all kinds of people that participated in that one production of work. Yes, there are a lot of people that really do all kinds of things that go into the final product we see on screen.

I had to leave my farm while it was still dark outside, I went into the barn and had to actually wake up my ponies and load them up on my trailer and they had no idea what I had planned for them that day. I really only had a very small idea myself tbh. My ponies had walked into this big warehouse and experienced all kinds of different people doing different things. I have to say, I was so proud of my ponies that day. I did put in a lot of training that MOST people have no idea takes place long before they experience what I do. They had to learn how to be ok in all kinds of environments, people have no idea how long it takes for these animals to learn to feel calm and safe. All the lights, and talking and props and people crawling around them on the ground? I had not realized were many of the things I had prepared them for and they sure made me proud. Yet, GOD FORBID all that effort I put into that HAVE ANY VALUE. That was what was written down in my records at the hands of a psychiatrist and psychologist. Illusions of grandeur I had about that value. By individuals who NEVER did any of what I did themselves, but if it was not important to THEM, then it's not important or deserved to have value. Oh, I believe you when you say I nailed something other therapists failed see for 20 years. They failed me too. Yet one did listen and managed to get a lot of it.

Hollywood is one huge "art community" full of all kinds of artistic people with all kinds of personalities that have to get along to produce a work of art, be it a movie, or what I worked on which was an episode revolving around "A day on the Farm". The camera people, the TV monitors where they see what happens on the TV, the set, the chatter, the silence while filming, all FACINATING.

Interesting that you liked the drums. Your mother should have gotten those drums not just for your sister but to have present for all of you to try to see if you liked playing them. I like the drums too, I love the percussion part that is present in music. I was a lead singer in a band for a while, my instrument of choice was the guitar yet I also loved the piano, my parents should have exposed me more to learning to play instruments. I taught myself how to play the guitar. I also showed talent when it came to the piano like my grandmother, figured out how to play it by ear. I could not read and write music but I created it anyway, created songs and I sure WISH I had known that this is what the Beetles did too, they could not write music either, in fact other top artists were the same.

I totally understand your desire to find an art community that you can feel safe in to create. I was not ready to handle all that I had to handle when I was a lead singer. Being chased in parking lots, mauled, and my agent tried to molest me and I was stalked and attacked by a drunk while on stage. I gave that up because while I sure loved singing and entertaining, the rest scared me and I ended up walking away from it. I happened to visit a friend up at college who was dating someone from Berkley School of Music. I went to a party and sat in a big loft and they were all playing and singing and creating and for the first time I felt YES THIS IS IT. I went home so excited and told my father that's what I wanted to do and he said NO, you just want to meet boys. I was so devasted. I wanted to go to a special art school, it was hard to get into. I applied and had my portfolio looked at by the owner and I was accepted, I was so excited only my father said no to that too.

I know what it feels like to have it inside you wanting to get out. Yet, when I was young when dad said "no" it was not going to happen. All that matters is HIS OPINION and I had to accept that even though it broke my heart.

Sometimes people do give up, something happens that breaks them and they may have kept trying many times, then something, something inside snaps. I know, because that is what happened to me. I managed to come back after some major challenges in my life, even almost dying. That was a hard journey to come back from too. Oh I have described this "dream of", but it's not a simply black and white deal. It's often a lot more complex than "just" that.

The other thing that has changed a lot in just the past 10 years alone is the industry your room mate worked in. I do not know what part of it she worked in, but a lot of the players that used to be there are not there like they used to be too. It's a very different world now than it used to be back when she was 25. That industry has changed a lot over the past 25 years. It's very possible many of her mentors are gone now too.

You and I are very different people. Be careful with the assumptions you make about me. I spent the past 5 months accommodating my roommate by feeding her meals without being financially reimbursed, even feeding her son whom she neglected and he's a teenager capable of feeding himself (pending his autism diagnosis, if he even has that, or if he's just messed up because of neglectful parenting). I did not move in to her house as Mary Poppins.

So, I've LOST money. That I need for myself. I clean her house, take care of her cat. Do snow shoveling, leaf raking. Moving forward, until I can move out, her sister agreed to lower my rent which I think is reasonable since my roommate continues to take meals from me (although she's clearly capable of ordering groceries or meals to be delivered to her if she didn't even have a roommate).

It sounds like you're telling me I lack compassion for my roommate. Are you?

I did not move in with my roommate to become her caregiver or her post-Hollywood personal assistant. I am under no obligations to cater to my roommate other than pay her rent for the room she's letting me rent. That does not make me an uncaring person.

Everyone deserves to feel safe with the people they live with.

No, and I am sorry if what I posted came off as assuming that Blanche. Thanks for giving me a chance to notice that without slamming me. I was also a bit confused about the arrangement you made about lowering the rent through the sister of your room mate. I am not sure if you asked for that because of having to cover food for her and do other things during the time you have already spent there or if you asked for the rent lowered if you are going to continue to be expected to do all these extra things you have been doing. I was not sure what your arrangement was in the first place tbh. It doesn't sound like your room mate knows what your presence is supposed to mean either. Perhaps she simply floats in and out of reality and your presence means something different to her depending on where she is in her messed up reality. For all we know she may be experiencing early onset dimentia of somekind too. She may need to see a neurologist and not just a psychiatrist or psychologist.

I defintely sympathize with how you feel confused and uncomfortable and how this challenge isn't anything you were prepared for. Yes, it's weird for sure.

Well, your statement about compassion came across as a slam against me. As if I am not as compassionate as you would be to my roommate. That's how I interpreted your comment. That you were pretty much judging me negatively.

I made the lower-rent arrangement b/c I'm hemorrhaging my own MONEY on my roommate who refuses to spend her own money on food for herself. Instead, she eats MY food without paying me back. Which part confuses you?

You can't tell me you would allow a roommate to financially take advantage of you, the way I've let my roommate for 5 months now. Would you really not feel resentful? Or feel manipulated?

My roommate knows exactly what she's doing. She's been acting this way for 5-6 years. And she has family and friends who enable this behavior to allow it to continue. No one has filed a petition for inpatient treatment for her. That's all it would take, too. County holds at the local hospital only last 3-4 days and since she's not homicidal or suicidal she avoids being transferred to inpatient from county holds. How many hospital county holds do you think she's been through in 5-6 years? A lot, is my guess. And still, no one who knows her well (ex-husband, sister, mother, friends) will file the one piece of paper that could help her stop this cycle of hiding in her bedroom all day/night.

And boundaries are critical for people in situations like this. Her neighbor won't bring food over to my roommate anymore, b/c the food just rots in my roommate's refrigerator. My roommate has the money to order food online for delivery. She probably does that during the day when I am not around. I have no clue. Remember, she's 55 years old. She has been like this since she was 49 or 50 so she has the routine down.

She isn't experiencing dementia. I just watched my mother get dementia and there's no way my roommate has it.

And, my roommate will eventually run out of money, and then she'll be screwed because she has a house and a car. Then, her sister, who has power of attorney over my roommate will have to really stop skirting reality and do something. Ask yourself: why does my roommate need her own sister to have power of attorney over her? Why did my roommate lose custody of her teenager to her ex-husband? Why did her ex-husband divorce her? She started acting this way before her ex-husband divorced her. My guess is, he got fed up like I am, being manipulated and filed for divorce. I don't know the real reason, so its conjecture (and maybe a little projection) but who would put up with this for years from someone and not WANT to leave that toxic environment. Because it is extremely toxic to my well-being psychologically to be here.

She's willfully refusing to seek help for whatever her problem is (mental illness, menopause, whatever). She knows precisely how to manipulate people. She knows she has me between a rock and a hard place financially-speaking, because if I had the money to move out tomorrow, I would. But, I am trapped there until I can find a better roommate situation or sublease situation that I can afford. That's the rub of this whole horrible situation. I mean, at least she stays in her bedroom and isn't chasing me around her house with a knife or gun, when I'm awake or asleep. So I guess that is the benefit.

Living with a mentally ill person is more than weird, Open Eyes. It's extremely stressful. Sorry, but compassion doesn't protect you from a psychotic person yielding a knife. Not that she would do that, but c'mon. I'm not slamming you b/c you've responded the most in this thread. But I'm a little frustrated that you are comparing how YOU would deal with her as your roommate versus how I have been. Then you insinuate that I have no compassion because I am not in my roommate's shoes.

I have no full-time job offers on the horizon, so I continue to seek temp work, apply for jobs, and look for other housing options that will get me as far away from my roommate as possible.

Sorry you got the impression you did from my post. I can say for certain that it was not my intention to imply you were not compassionate. I am trying to interact yet I have not been sleeping well at all due to how toxic things have been in my life. I am not on any drugs either, just very emotionally and mentally tired.

The thing about dementia is that there are different kinds of dementia so not everyone exhibits the same symptoms. The attorney I had for my lawsuit from my negligent neighbor was in fact slowly declining into dementia. He managed to look and act the part, but in reality he was declining more and more when it came to being able to do tasks. People were nice to him the way you have expressed is happening with your room mate. I was at a disadvantage because I did not know or had any experience when it came to lawsuits. A therapist explained to me how there is a denial stage and that can last for a while and often others around the individual keep dismissing the red flags. You are at a disadvantage in that you did not know this woman when she was functioning and engaging in her life.

I can't say I would have lasted five months dealing with what you have shared. I would have said something right away if this person was eating the food I had gotten for myself. I don't think this woman understands your true financial state either, from what you described she is too wrapped up in herself. It's not your job to know what her issues are either. It's understandable you feel stressed about this environment you are dealing with. She is lucky you are not taking advantage of her or are a person that can harm her. I agree this is a tough situation for you and at this point you have managed pretty well considering and yes, you will need to keep looking for a way to get out of this arrangement and into something healthier for you. I am sorry ((Blanche)).

Thanks Open Eyes. I appreciate you understanding. I should have left in August or September. In hindsight, I should have looked for another roommate situation the minute my roommate started hiding in her bedroom. HUGE mistake in hindsight that I didn't move out then. Oh well. Now I'm stuck here. I could leave but its below zero and I don't really want to go spend $60 a night in a hotel with what money I have left. If I had a full-time job, or savings, I would go do that right now but I don't have either.

Well, you had a lot going on and you did the best you could back in August. I am surprised you can't at least find something in retail stores being that it's the holidays and often stores are looking for extra help. At least that would get you out for a while and put "some" money in your pocket and it's just temporary. Ugh, I say that but I have not worked in retail since I was really young. Temp jobs are probably slow because of the time of year, being that it's the holidays.

This thread has been closed at the OP's request.