My relationship is struggling and I don’t know what to do

My husband was going through some things and I chalked it up to stress for a long time as he was in a PhD program. I noticed him getting more distant from me and he was also getting extremely angry over little things. I just gave him space and tried to remain quiet and patient and planed to talk once’s he completed the program. He confessed to me a few months ago that he was being treated for depression. He said it wasn’t my fault at first but now he blames everyone close to him including me. He tells me he loves me but needs to take care of himself and says he will always love me but doesn’t know if he wants this marriage any longer. I am not normally a snooper but was looking at his phone so I could get him a new case that fit. When I turned it on, there was an unread text from a woman that said “It was good to see you”. This woman was his former tutor who moved out of the country. I thought “Was she in town and he saw her and didn’t tell me?’ I read their texts and he told her he is not doing well and we have been growing apart for years. It turns out they Skyped. I had no idea. I confronted him and asked him how often he does this. He was extremely angry and said he needs to talk to people about what he is going through and told me he has to put extra protection on his phone for his privacy. I just don’t know what to do. We been married for 25 years. I am fighting and have been but it is getting so difficult. He doesn’t want to see a therapist with me. He did say 86% of couples who go to therapy together divorce.

Is he in his fifties? Often men go through their own mid life crisis when they turn 50 plus. Unfortunately you cannot fix his depression and you can't fix it if he is unhappy with himself either. If he is taking an antidepressant some antidepressants have sexual side effects and a man can lose sexual interest which can create some distance in a relationship. He should also have his testasterone checked as a drop in that can contribute to low energy and feeling depressed and moody.

He may not have anything going with this tutor other than he just needs someone to talk to. He may be feeling very unfulfilled, that is something HE needs help for and he should be seeing a therapist.

Mbluish, I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now. Please do not blame yourself, even if he tries to. You are not the cause of his depression and you can't control it. Is there any way that he would agree to individual therapy for himself?

It sounds like you personally would benefit from your own therapy.

I find it sad that after 25 years there is still no transparency and no direct communication.

Isn’t he also texting and meeting up with his ex? Then he wants to move out? I’d probably tell him to go ahead. Don’t walk on egg shells. If he wants space, give him space but personally if my husband suggested to move out, I’d be done. Him blaming you for his issues is a new low.

Do you have kids, they must be grown. Or you have kids at home? It complicates things then

He's trying to baffle you with b.s. Or he is trying to baffle himself with b.s. Or both. Is there a power differential in your relationship? It sounds like there might be--have his needs and wants always come first? Decide if you think you want to keep your marriage, and then proceed accordingly. If I decided I wanted to keep my marriage, I would start setting up appointments with therapists. Invite him to do the same. Consult a couple-three therapists. Go with the one the two of you decide seems most likely to help. If he refuses, start developing your single life--and that would include not babying him, no longer financially supporting him, or whatever he's-more-entitled-than-you-are stuff you have been doing for him to have developed his "I'm the King" attitude, and (this is optional) tell him you think it's a low thing to do to throw away his spouse when he is almost done with the education the spouse (and extended family, perhaps) undoubtedly helped facilitate. Love is an action word: It involves respect, consideration, caring. Not seeing that from your spouse.

He is in therapy. He doesn’t want to take any anti-depressants and hope he can get through this with just the therapy.

divine, I am currently looking for a therapist. We don’t have children. I want to give him space and do but not sure if him leaving is the answer for us right now. The lack of transparency is an issue. It didn’t used to be this way. He is possessed with texting a plethora of people and feels the need to be in constant communication with others.

Mbluish,
Im so sorry you are going through this. I went through something like this about 17 years ago. I told my husband if he wanted to stay married he would have to go to counseling with me and stop all communication with her. He was willing but counseling was not helpful. We did find something that was helpful but I don't know if I can make a recommendation here per the rules, as I am new. I would suggest looking for intensive programs for marital issues. They can be costly but they help the participants to focus on what they really want and need.

We were able to save our marriage but if he had been unwilling to try...well Im not sure what you can do. Going to therapy yourself is a good idea. Find someone with expertise in dealing with infidelity. If he chooses to leave he may find that his fantasy is not as good as the reality but either way you need support now.

I think its one thing if he said he needs space and questioned your marriage but its another if he is choosing another woman to talk to about it and hide it.

I agree with Sarahsweets. If my husband had a secret relationship going on where he skyped and on the sly met up with a woman, no matter how long we had been together, I would most likely want to leave. I couldn't trust him anymore. But that's just me. There should be no secrets, especially of this nature, within a marriage. That's very hurtful, and how do you know if they haven't slept together? Do you know how many times they've met up? Do you know if he's in fact having an affair? I am sure it's unimaginable the thought of leaving... but your husband is expressing doubts, he's confided in another woman that you've grown apart for years, and he's met up with this other woman and speaks with her frequently on the sly. You cannot force someone to want to stay and work on a marriage. It sounds like he's already out the door. Perhaps you should start thinking that way too.