[Gymgirl71]

This has really gone on too long..because Of the fact that I’m insecure and maybe I feel I don’t deserve better-but I clearly do. My ex boyfriend and I broke up in April..I got sick of being out on the back burner so I had to end things..who would want to be treated that way? I was always bending over backwards..but it was never enough. He has a very avoidant attachment style and that’s just not me....2 months post breakup I met up with him..but it was the same thing only this time I am not even his girlfriend..drinking in his house, and watching music videos..and either we get takeout or I would cook..he did cook a couple times but he never took me out. Smh..so we have continued hanging out only it’s gotten worse..as far as me treating him like a boyfriend when he hasn’t even earned it from me..he included me in his family holidays, but after Christmas ended he was back to his old self..basically if he isn’t working then I won’t hear from him again..sure, he will reach out if I let him alone but it’s a complete waste of time..I am clearly chasing him for attention and I’m exhausted. Even his friends show me more attention. His one friend took a liking to me, admiring the kind of woman I am and he blew him off as if I am “his” when I’m not..So I realize I am wasting precious time entertaining the bread crumbs of attention I get, and I was second guessing myself but it’s obvious that he has me around as an option..he admitted having a Napoleon complex too which is highly disturbing..I went no contact before but then he text me for some dumb reason and the drama started..so basically I am so emotionally exhausted that I feel powerless in this situation, and I want my power and good vibes back.

[Have Hope]

I remember this story. Gymgirl, may I ask why you don't feel you deserve better? Best to just cut it off once and for all. Are you in therapy?

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I remember this story. Gymgirl, may I ask why you don't feel you deserve better? Best to just cut it off once and for all. Are you in therapy?

I was in therapy..but I was unhappy because it was a 30 min session and it wasn’t doing me much good. Somehow in my head, I don’t think I’ll find anyone “as good” he has basically put that thought in my head Indirectly..always talking about himself and how great he is..he is also controlling..ignoring my texts and calls what he feels like so as to have it on his terms and his way.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I was in therapy..but I was unhappy because it was a 30 min session and it wasn’t doing me much good. Somehow in my head, I don’t think I’ll find anyone “as good” he has basically put that thought in my head Indirectly..always talking about himself and how great he is..he is also controlling..ignoring my texts and calls what he feels like so as to have it on his terms and his way.

I remember this. And I remember that you had concluded he was a narcissist. It's hard to understand why or how you went back to him after all that, because I recall the whole story and when you left the first time. But no judgements... Iv'e gone back when I shouldn't have and have made similar mistakes. I think it would be good for you to break up, go back to therapy and figure out why you are attracted to toxic, unhealthy relationships that do you more harm than good. This guy is clearly no good for you, and never was.

[divine1966]

You are not powerless.

[Have Hope]

No, you are not powerless, and you need to believe and know that you DO deserve better than this.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I remember this story. Gymgirl, may I ask why you don't feel you deserve better? Best to just cut it off once and for all. Are you in therapy?

Originally Posted by Have Hope

No, you are not powerless, and you need to believe and know that you DO deserve better than this.

just feels that way...when he can just ignore me for one day and I am going nuts..

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I remember this. And I remember that you had concluded he was a narcissist. It's hard to understand why or how you went back to him after all that, because I recall the whole story and when you left the first time. But no judgements... Iv'e gone back when I shouldn't have and have made similar mistakes. I think it would be good for you to break up, go back to therapy and figure out why you are attracted to toxic, unhealthy relationships that do you more harm than good. This guy is clearly no good for you, and never was.

I don’t understand myself..he is a real loser and not a good guy

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

just feels that way...when he can just ignore me for one day and I am going nuts..

Don't you want someone who doesn't ignore you though and someone who doesn't make you go nuts?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I don’t understand myself..he is a real loser and not a good guy

Were you lonely? Bored?

[Have Hope]

Here's what you do: 30 day challenge for you. Break up with him, and go absolutely no contact. For a full month, or 30 days, spend an hour a day on "you" time. Do something you enjoy, something fun, or something that helps you.... whatever it is, let it be you time. And write in a journal -- write down why you were attracted to him. Then write all the bad things about him that make you know in your head why he's bad for you. Compare the lists. I bet the bad far outweighs what attracts you. At the end of 30 days, see how you feel.... I bet you will feel better about yourself.

[Gymgirl71]

[

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Don't you want someone who doesn't ignore you though and someone who doesn't make you go nuts?

Yes...I just can’t handle it...

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Were you lonely? Bored?

lonely yes

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Here's what you do: 30 day challenge for you. Break up with him, and go absolutely no contact. For a full month, or 30 days, spend an hour a day on "you" time. Do something you enjoy, something fun, or something that helps you.... whatever it is, let it be you time. And write in a journal -- write down why you were attracted to him. Then write all the bad things about him that make you know in your head why he's bad for you. Compare the lists. I bet the bad far outweighs what attracts you. At the end of 30 days, see how you feel.... I bet you will feel better about yourself.

100% I will..it’s almost a new year, I don’t need the negativity

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

100% I will..it’s almost a new year, I don’t need the negativity

2020 girl! Bring it on. No, you don't need this crap..... make it a new beginning for yourself. It's the perfect time. A new year, a new you.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Here's what you do: 30 day challenge for you. Break up with him, and go absolutely no contact. For a full month, or 30 days, spend an hour a day on "you" time. Do something you enjoy, something fun, or something that helps you.... whatever it is, let it be you time. And write in a journal -- write down why you were attracted to him. Then write all the bad things about him that make you know in your head why he's bad for you. Compare the lists. I bet the bad far outweighs what attracts you. At the end of 30 days, see how you feel.... I bet you will feel better about yourself.

Originally Posted by Have Hope

2020 girl! Bring it on. No, you don't need this crap..... make it a new beginning for yourself. It's the perfect time. A new year, a new you.

it has to be!! I am really feeling deranged

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

it has to be!! I am really feeling deranged

Leave him and you won’t feel deranged anymore!

[sarahsweets]

When youi broke up before did you go no contact?

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

When youi broke up before did you go no contact?

I did..but after a couple days or so he text me asking me something..so typical

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I did..but after a couple days or so he text me asking me something..so typical

Why don’t you block him? He can’t text you then

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I did..but after a couple days or so he text me asking me something..so typical

Yes, block him. Be strong this time. Be resolute. You have to have strong convictions in your mind and heart that tell you that you deserve FAR better, that there IS better out there to be had, that this guy is NOT worthy, and that he is dragging you down in life, rather than enhancing it.

You know it's time to let go when they drag you down, make you more anxious, insecure, and f-ed up inside. These are signs of an unhealthy and toxic relationship -- a good relationship FEELS good, you feel secure, and you don't consume yourself with thoughts of worry and anxiety. A healthy relationship enhances one's life, and adds more to it. It doesn't detract.

[Open Eyes]

Honestly Gymgirl, lots of people make mistakes because they just don't know any better. Often a person grows up in a home where they see/experience abuse and disrespect and dysfunction and that's what they begin to think is "normal". Also, what can happen is a person may grow up with parents that don't nurture them and help them feel loved for who they are, but instead are raised to "please" the parent in order to get recognized or valued. A person can end up in relationships that are unhealthy for them and it's often because it's WHAT THEY KNOW.

Unfortunately, human beings are designed to imprint messages and are very maleable to believing and following along. If you go down south in the US you will encounter many people who speak with a southern accent, and if you visit New York, people have an accent there as well. The same is true for a lot of areas here in the US alone. Yet, if you travel to other countries, you will meet people who learn to live their lives according to the language and culture and even the climate in that country or environment. Actually, if you happen to get a job working in a grocery store, you adapt to that environment where you take on a pattern that goes along with what is required to happen in that grocery store.

The human brain is set up to "navigate" and this is why people develop patterns of living their lives. This guy that you dated that became your boyfriend has his own way and pattern of navigating. No matter how many times you break away from him or go back to him, he will continue to live his life in his own pattern. You are not going to change that either. This is like going to a restaurant that has terrible service, and the food isn't very good, but you expect that to be different and keep going back only to continue to not get waited on right and end up getting served a meal you don't enjoy. Also, another way to look at this is how you keep going back to see a movie that has a bad story to it and you always feel bad after you watch that movie and yet you keep going back to it WHY?

All this guy does is make you feel bad about yourself in some way. All he does is invite you to play "his" game and his game is always the same game where you end up feeling bad about yourself and you never really enjoy HIS game. Also, HIS game happens to be all about HIM drinking and doing drugs and that's all he cares about. The people he calls "his friends" are just people that tend to do the same thing. Truth is all you end up doing is playing the part HE wants you to play in HIS game. Is that the only role you know how to play Gymgirl?

It's not really your ex that haunts you Gymgirl, instead it's the role you played that haunts you. Often a person grows to believe it's the only role they can play, it's what they KNOW. Well, don't feel too bad Gymgirl because it happens to the best of us. Sometimes a person is lonely because that person only learned to play with the wrong kind of people that tend to only play their OWN games that can in fact be SELFISH games.

A person can be lonely when they are alone, and just as lonely when they are surrounded by dysfunctional people. Actually, that is why this past holiday is when so many people feel the worst. All therapists will tell you it's the busiest time of year for them.

What is important about this thread of yours is you are admitting you made a mistake with this ex boyfriend. You are beginning to see how this relationship really is not healthy for you. What you need to learn is how you might set yourself up for experiencing a toxic relationship in ways you did not realize before. Perhaps, part of this is how you have been imprinted or conditioned in ways you may not really be aware of.

For example, for myself, I grew up in an environment where my father was a binge alcoholic and he insisted that others play HIS game and give into how HE wanted things to be in our home. Unfortunately, when someone grows up with a binge alcoholic, they are unknowingly imprinted and conditioned to live their life around the cycles of that disease. What is not realized is a person can grow to believe this is NORMAL. Unfortunately for me, that is what led to my living my entire life around a person that has that same disease or challenge. My father was a binge alcoholic and so was my husband and because of that I have lived my entire life around the patterns of behaviors a person with that challenge presents. I am 63 years old and I did not know the actual red flags that were showing all the signs of the challenges I would face. My husband finally did stop drinking, at one point I got so I could no longer live my life around HIS binges. The problem with this is that while he did finally stop drinking and he went to meetings, he still presented a pattern of behavior even when sober. My husband's life was first about binging and drinking and having others around him in his life that were the same as him, to staying sober and STILL having others around him that are like him. My husband's life has always been about that disease and because of that I have continued to be lonely in my marriage. My advice to you in regards to this ex boyfriend? Run like hell because even if he stopped his partying, he will take the rest of his life needing and struggling and that is something that is always first in their lives, and it's lonely for the person that lives with a person like that. In all honesty, I often feel my husband would be happier with a wife who shares that challenge. I have noticed how for some, they are happy going to meetings and doing this life long staying sober and going meetings together.

I have been married now for 39 years and I can say "I made a mistake", and I did not see the red flags that would lead to many challenges and the kind of lonliness I experience. I try to remind myself not to beat myself up for this because the truth is "I did not know" and while I wanted something different from my father, I failed to see the things that were the "same" that would continue to be unhealthy for me. From what you describe, his own family sounds like they enable him too. That most definitely can happen.

I cannot say enough how important it can be to understand how just because another person invites you to "play" doesn't mean their game is a healthy one. It's so important to pay attention to how you FEEL when you play that other person's game too. Often a person plays a game where YOU are not important, it doesn't mean you are not worthy of feeling important or having value either. Often, a person is conditioned to accept things they shouldn't. It's unfortunate, but this tends to be a part of how we are designed too. What you learned when you once again got involved with this ex, is you are NEVER going to change how he is as a person. The only thing you can do is see how he is unhealthy for you, to see why you once again agreed to play his game, and pay attention to the red flags a person exhibits that mean "you will walk away unhappy". Or the relationship will constantly contribute to your feeling bad or unhappy disrespected or feeling like you have no value. Sometimes a person gravitates to the very kind of person that is unhealthy for them, and they gravitate more to what they know without realizing the comfort in "knowing" and "it's something familiar" doesn't always mean it's safe or healthy. Unfortunately, human beings are creatures of habit.

[divine1966]

You’ve been having same concerns about him for a year. Drinking, lack of commitment, cancelling dates, not communicating to you, not initiating, no intimacy, mean comments , a year later nothing changed. He is in mid 40s. People don’t change. You have been trying to change how he behaves but to no avail. You wasted a year. How much more are you willing to waste? .

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why don’t you block him? He can’t text you then

That’s my plan. I am not playing his childish games. Shuts his phone off for half the day, but I think he blocked me. Trying to be in control because he’s an egomaniac.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why don’t you block him? He can’t text you then

Originally Posted by divine1966

You’ve been having same concerns about him for a year. Drinking, lack of commitment, cancelling dates, not communicating to you, not initiating, no intimacy, mean comments , a year later nothing changed. He is in mid 40s. People don’t change. You have been trying to change how he behaves but to no avail. You wasted a year. How much more are you willing to waste? .

None..it’s done. He was doing good for a while initiating more, and being more affectionate, not cancelling, but it’s short lived. He goes on about how he wants to get in shape and get rid of his beer belly, etc etc all I hear is bla bla bla. He has temporary periods where he does good which lasts 1-2 weeks tops.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

None..it’s done. He was doing good for a while initiating more, and being more affectionate, not cancelling, but it’s short lived. He goes on about how he wants to get in shape and get rid of his beer belly, etc etc all I hear is bla bla bla. He has temporary periods where he does good which lasts 1-2 weeks tops.

He is showing you the pattern he follows where he binges and he is forty years old now, still living this same old pattern. This is exactly what I myself failed to see. Be good for a while, then begin being toxic again. Actually, a therapist explained exactly what I have been dealing with to me. This is something this ex has to work on, not anything YOU can fix or change. This ex needs to stop drinking and partying and learn to stop binging and it can take the rest of his life for him to correct or gradually change his behavior pattern. Some people never really change this pattern because they simply never learned how to work through their challenges. Instead they just learned to escape through their binge drinking/drugging.