Need help on communicating with my adult son

Hi,

I am new here and am struggling with knowing how to best support my 28-year-old son, who is married to a young woman with severe mental health issues. He has known her since elementary school and has always loved her, but she has a host of problems, with diagnoses of ptsd, depression and anxiety. Her symptoms have really flared up, and she fits the description of borderline personality disorder, from what I've read.

My main concern is for my son at this point, who knows he is being emotionally abused by this woman but is so desperate to help her. She hops from one therapist to the next, but doesn't seem ready to stick to a real treatment plan. I admire them both for trying to work things out, but my son is the scapegoat for some very abusive behavior, some of which I've witnessed. He gets upset but then reverts later to diminishing/denying the extent of the abuse. Meanwhile, this is affecting his relationship with his brother, his friends and me, and I fear he is going to lose himself and become more isolated if this persists.

Long story short, I am trying to be supportive but finding it very hard to say the right things without becoming emotional or speaking badly about her, which just pushes him away.

Any thoughts here on how I can remain in his life and what to specifically say to voice my concerns but not lose my access to him? They live out of state and when we are in the same locale, he spends most of the time with her and her family, probably out of fear of making her mad.

Thank you.

I am sorry you are going through this. I think both of you need to discuss this and your son needs to leave this relationship. Abuse is never okay, and it's not getting any better. I think what you can do is be there if he needs someone to talk to. Hugs and best of luck.

If your son is an adult, you have no control over who he marries or dates. I do understand you worrying about him of course.

Oh, it can be hard to help a spouse that is battling ptsd. He needs to understand he just can't fix her and all he can do is help her to feel safe while she is clearly been somehow triggered into really struggling with it. There is a lot of frustration and anger when struggling with ptsd. She can be in a stage where she is so tired of struggling with it that she gets angry and tired and may take that out on him.

He should find a therapist for himself that he can vent to and that may be able to help him understand it better and help him develop his own ways of gaining his own breaks and space from her that will help in keeping HIM healthy. It's not unusual for a person struggling to need to see more than one therapist until they find a therapist they feel is a good match for them.

What country does he live in?

We both live in the U.S. I do know that he has been working on getting his own space from her and trying to find a therapist that is a good match. I wish I could be more understanding but it's hard to watch her treat him and others so badly.

It's nice that you "care" about your son's well being and that you love him and you don't want to see him get hurt. Well, he learned "caring" from you LRoseB and he clearly loves and cares about his young wife. He doesn't want to abandon her, he wants to find a way to help her.

So many people don't know anything about PTSD. The area of the brain that is affected is the hypocampus and the amygdala and a person becomes very sensitive and the frontal executive area of the brain is constantly trying to figure out how to stop these areas of their brain from being so sensitive when any kind of reminder triggers them to suddenly feel overwhelmed. What it really is, is a brain injury that just like any injury is sensitive and it's similar to, say, sitting and watching TV and then suddenly the volume goes way up despite a person not even touching the volume control or even wanting the volume turned way up. The reaction most people have is "well JUST turn the volume down, how come you turn the volume up so much". People who are basically ignorant about ptsd constantly respond in ways that keep telling the person suffering that they need to JUST control it and JUST stop it and JUST LET IT GO etc. The person suffering doesn't want to experience it, it's intrusive and the person doesn't want to experience an episode where they get overwhelmed suddenly and it can get very painful. It's like having a volume control that can just suddenly get loud even when the person has not even touched it or chose to have it get loud. People who suffer have a hard time sleeping, many even fear sleeping because they experience night terrors and wake up thinking they are reliving whatever horror they experienced. The person is never really the same, however, with time and a great deal of patience, the person can slowly learn how to lower the volume instead of having it just suddenly blair so loudly. Healing takes a lot of time and patience not only for the person suffering from ptsd, but also anyone who has a relationship with this individual. A person does not choose to suffer the symptoms/affects of ptsd so it's so important not to treat that person as if it is their choice to experience a trigger or ptsd episode.

I struggle with ptsd myself and I can say that's it's extremely frustrating and I can get angry and tired of struggling with it. Be careful about what you read about other disorders that have similar symptoms and deciding your husband's wife has that disorder. Only a professional can diagnose his wife and figure out a treatment plan that can help her. When a person suffers from a mental health challenge, it frightens them. I used the example of the volume control malfunction because that is what it's like for someone struggling, they can suddenly be overcome with a sudden blairing symptom that gets triggered and they don't want to experience it and they don't CHOOSE to experience it. A person can get triggered and not even know what the trigger is, god I can tell you I hate when that happens.

I can say that I can suddenly experience a terrible episode and feel angry "who touched the volume or what the hell triggered that volume to get loud". PTSD can really feel very "isolating". Your son will need to be extremely patient and at times he will feel helpless when his wife experiences an episode where she loses control even when she doesn't want to.

You CAN be supportive with your son. You can respect his choice to stay with his wife and support her while she is slowly learning about the ptsd that is challenging her. You can call him from time to time and ask him how his wife is doing and how HE is doing and if he needs someone to talk to that is willing to listen as he vents his frustrations.

The reason I have chosen to use the volume control example is because I want others to understand as best as possible what it might be like to struggle with suddenly not being able to control how loud something can get and how it can get so loud even when you don't want it to and you simply can't JUST hit a button to lower the volume. Think about how hard it would be for YOU to want to JUST sit and watch your TV and yet all of a sudden the volume begins to blast really loud and YOU can't control it. Every time you try to watch that TV, you have deal with wondering if you will be able to actually watch a movie or program you like to watch without having to deal with suddenly getting blasted. How would you feel if others saw you dealing with this and decided to INSIST you turned that TV volume up yourself when you simply did not touch the control and often you can't even find the control to even TRY to touch the button to lower the volume? Well, that's what ptsd can be like.

My therapist's wife suffers from depression. They wanted a child so she had to stop taking antidepressants. She went through hell to have that child and he stood by her and supported her and she ended up having ECT treatments to help her get through her pregnancy. They only have one child because of how hard it was for her to wait out a pregnancy without medication. I have so much respect for my therapist because he really does love his wife and together they deal with her challenge and it has certainly not been easy. Turns out both him and his wife are therapists. His wife works with young children and he works a full time job for the state dealing with all kinds of people that have mental health challenges, and he has his own practice at night focusing on patients with ptsd challenges like me.

Well, there are alot of people who respond with statements of "get rid of him, dump him, etc." . There are lots of people who refuse to sit with another person who is suffering in some way. Their attitude is basically "why waste your time". But thankfully, there are people that don't walk away, but instead will sit and listen and try to help a person slowly heal from whatever is challenging them and support them while they gradually learn how to help themselves. Some people live their lives with a mindset of "Just care about yourself and don't waste your time helping or caring, it's easier that way". Well, thankfully not everyone is like that, there have been enough people who see problems and want to understand "why" so we have learned a lot. It's because of this kind of person that we have learned so much about so many different challenges that human beings can have. It's because of these kind of people that take the time to understand the "whys" that we are beginning to understand so many things about humanity itself, how truely complex human beings actually are and how to learn to see things early so we can help a person learn to have quality to their lives.

When I was a child I watched my older brother have to deal with so much abuse every single day. I watched my older brother constantly get abused and punished because he had a learning disability that no one understood and instead of being helped he was constantly punished. What I witnessed my brother endure would now be considered "child abuse and neglect". Every night I prayed to god to send SOME ONE to help my brother. As a result, one of my very, very, sensitive areas has been seeing someone suffer abuse and my not being able to stop it somehow. I did not know all the toxic things I endured in my childhood would some day come back through this condition called PTSD.

On Christmas day my FIL began to talk about HIS childhood. He talked about what his life was like and how he grew up in poverty and had to go to a place where they gave out food and only certain kinds of food. He talked about his father who was an alcoholic and how his father worked and would put money on the table for his mother that was never enough for her to feed and care for her two children. His father did not care and made sure he had enough money so he could stop at the local bar and drink. When he got drunk he got mean and would come home and hit his wife in front of his children. He talked about how when he got old enough, one day he grabbed his father off his mother and beat him up and told him if he hit his mother again he would beat him so badly he would not get up. The one thing he would never do is hit or abuse his wife like his father did. My FIL worked hard to support his wife and two children and he was never rich, yet, the one thing he wanted was to be a good father and husband and man. The other challenge my FIL struggled with is dyslexia and ADHD. Yet, despite being challenged that way, he managed to work hard and take care of his wife and two children and he also served his country. I did not know the history he shared about himself Christmas day. He is ninety years old now and he lost his wife and the love of his life only about a year ago and he is having a hard time living without her in his life. She was his sweetheart for 70 years of his life.

This wife is your son's sweetheart LRoseB and he wants to help her. Try to respect that and offer your support. I don't know what your family history is, yet, whatever it is your son has chosen to be loyal to his love and stay with her and help her. It's a challenge to be a parent, all a loving parent wants is their child to be happy and I am sure that is what you want for your son. He is making a choice to stay and help his wife, just as my therapist has chosen to do for his wife who has struggled and faced challenges. It's not always the wrong choice to stay and choose to love another person despite their challenges. Your son will need your support and my advice is to spend some time reading about PTSD and it's a good idea to look for information about how to be supportive of someone that struggles with it in your family too.

Hello and welcome to PC!

Welcome to Psych Central, LRoseB. And thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. One additional forum, here on PC, you might like to check out would include the Partners of People & Caregivers forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/partn...ivers-support/

You've already received several great replies from other PC members. I doubt there would be much I could add to what you have already received. However here are links to 15 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that address various aspects of the situation you describe. Most of these will probably be of as much or perhaps more help to your son than they are to you. However (hopefully) they will provide you with some ideas on how to proceed as well:

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) | Psych Central

Understanding PTSD and its Effects on Marriage

You, Me and PTSD: Relationships with Partners Who Have Suffered Trauma | Partners in Wellness

How Does PTSD Affect Relationships?

https://psychcentral.com/lib/ptsd-and-relationships/2/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-uni...-complex-ptsd/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/c-ptsd-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-ways...illness/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...sed-loved-one/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips...ental-illness/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-me...s-for-couples/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...sorder-part-1/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...e-a-caregiver/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/

My best wishes to you & your family.