Do you forgive people who have wronged you?

I don’t know a better word for wronged. Maybe sinned. Or harmful acts.

If I see one more Facebook post along the lines of forgiving to move on etc ....

Not everything is forgivable imho.

Forgiveness to me is more about letting it go for yourself, allowing yourself to heal and not carry around the hurt and anger anymore. You can forgive another silently without even telling them. But to me, it's more about healing oneself than anything because holding onto anger and pain only hurts YOU not them. That's why people talk about forgiveness so much. Even when a wrong is seemingly unforgivable, you can forgive someone for being such an a-hole because they didn't know any better. People who commit hurtful and wrongful acts wouldn't do so if they knew better.

Is everything forgivable?

No, not everything. But you can still "forgive" them by letting go of the pain and anger.

I forgive for my own peace of mind, so I can move on and not continue to carry the bitterness and anger. Forgiveness is for myself. It is not contingent on their admission of wrongdoing or their apology. After all, the people who commit the most harmful acts are unlikely to do either; if I waited for them to do that, I would never find peace.

Is every act or person forgivable? By my definition, theoretically, yes. Does that mean I have reached a place of forgiveness for every person who has wronged me? No. It’s a process. And I find for certain people, the process is one I have to go through more than once. I am, clearly, not the Divine. LOL!

Does everyone have to forgive? That’s a personal question tied up in one’s philosophical viewpoint and perhaps faith practice so I wouldn’t begin to assume everyone believes as I do. There is not one right answer to these types of questions. They are very personal and wrapped up in each person’s experience and existence.

For me, I have to first allow myself to feel the hurt and be angry (it is hard for me to get angry and when I do, it doesn't last very long) then I have to try to not focus on feeling sorry for them and just focus on myself. Most people who do hurtful things have been hurt themselves and I feel for them but have to remember that once they have hurt me, if they don't truly change (it takes a long time to change) then I need to protect myself. Protection takes many forms but if we keep thinking about how they hurt us then that in and of itself triggers the hurt over and over inside. Perhaps "forgiveness" is simply about moving on. Basically, learning to rarely think about the person who hurt us. Thinking about being hurt is a negative thought that fuels depression. I try to think about the people who have been caring toward me. I now try to stay away from negative people and problems. I love so many people on PC but am not reading as many posts talking about problems because I don't want to expose my thoughts to negativity. This is why I also don't consume as much news anymore.

No not everything is forgivable. We can still move on and accept that we cannot change what happened and can channel our anger towards something productive like helping others in the same boat. But I absolutely don’t think everything is forgivable. Some things could never be forgiven. And shouldn’t. I’d not want to trigger so I’d not mention things that deem zero forgiveness.

I have a hard time with this myself Crazy Hitch. I have a hard time with it because I suffer from complex ptsd where I have literally relived things in a way I never imagined reliving.

One thing I most definitely KNOW is "we may not remember exactly what someone says, but we NEVER forget how it made us feel". And one of the busiest forums on this site happens to be the relationship forum, you know why? It's the same question, "how can I experience a relationship where I don't get hurt by the other person?". And how can I prevent messing up a relationship? How can I fix this or stop it from happening?

Truth is some people experience so many bad things pretty early on in their lives and they genuinely did not have the ability to understand it or even that it was wrong. It never ceases to amaze me that human beings are so intelligent, the most intelligent life form on earth. Yet, human beings are the most fragile for the longest. Human beings are so intelligent yet also so incredibly vunerable to following along with a ideal that can be so harmful and not really based on fact or reality.

Someone said to me one day "if you mention you happen to follow a certain political ideal, that is enough for another person to actually HATE you". The same is true for religion. The longer you live the more you learn how anyone can hate you for just about anything. "It is no measure to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society". Maybe, forgiving is more about forgiving yourself for not seeing the warning signs to prevent another person from hurting you.

When someone hurts you and asks forgiveness, it is much easier to forgive. When they hurt you and don’t care, it really burns and can stay with you. Depending on the offense, either way, it can really burn and stay with you.

Miraculously, I have seen some extreme acts done to hurt someone and they forgave for exactly the reason mentioned above; so that they were able to release the anger in them.

Personally, I have been hurt and left alone with the burn because the hurtful person did not care. Eventually I have forgiven. I thought a lot about it and felt pity for them. That really helped me heal.

I believe the body heals itself, even these emotional wounds, through neurological/biological processes like how it heals itself from physical wounds.

I can forgive in most cases, but have difficulty with anything relating to physical harm, or the threat of it.

Recently been in a situation where a family member threatened physical harm. She's not apologised and is unlikely to. I've not made excuses for her, just remembered her upbringing could be part of the reason she finds her behaviour acceptable. Unfortunately, another unacceptable action by that person either to me or another family member, will inevitably cause me to question that theory.

Life is so complicated....

I think what Tish says is bang on. A lot depends on how genuinely contrite the other person is. It depends on their motivation in the first place too, did they intend to hurt you or was it accidentally.

I don't think anyone should ever feel guilted into forgiveness though. It is entirely an individual thing dependent on many variables. It is not sensible to compare or issue blanket statements.

One thing I would like to add is that just because we don't feel forgiveness now doesn't mean we never will. Feelings can change.

I don’t forgive my exhusbands affair(s). And I believe I never will.

My ex husband was labeled a sociopath by two separate Pdocs. I've let go of the past and have forgiven him because it's best for me. I have no contact with him and I never will again but I've moved on. Hanging on to the hate, anger and fear would only hurt me and allow him to win. Instead I tell my daughter about the good times and let her know that in his limited way he loved her. The PTSD is gone now too.

I don't think forgiveness is that cut and dry. I believe there are legitimate reasons that you don't need to forgive someone who wronged you. I don't like the way Western society pushes the whole "forgive and forget" philosophy as though if you don't forgive, then you're not a good person.

I don't need to forgive my brother for being the asshole he is, to obtain peace of mind. Healing from abuse is not cookie cutter and this is the problem I have with the way Western culture forces people to fit into the cookie cutter philosophy of "you need to forgive in order to feel peace of mind." ********. You do not.

My lack of forgiveness towards my brother hasn't impeded my ability to be kind or empathetic to other people, or to myself. I don't need to forgive my brother or anyone who's wronged me, to move on with my life and be happy. For me, not forgiving the other person is not about holding a grudge, as much as its about taking a stand, to say, "What you did was awful. I won't tolerate that from you and I won't put up with that ever again."

some I forgive, others no. depends.

parents and others child abuse etc. no.
people who were idiots..i don't so much forgive them as just forget about them.

some people I will forgive them.

many times I just don't give people the time of day afterward. my life is too short to waste on folks who have wronged me. I have more important matters to deal with.

Forgiving seems like a popular idea lately. I hear about it everywhere. I have books on it myself. The thing is, I don't think forgiveness is the right word. Because forgiveness sort of, to me, means it's okay. Even if it's not. I do think there are some things that are just Unforgivable. Not okay. but some of the other posters are absolutely right that finding a way to let go of pain that someone caused you is healthy. I mean we all want to be happy. but it's not something that should be forced. and if there is such a thing as forgiveness, I believe it's a lifelong process that is not linear. By this I mean, that sometimes will be upset think about it, feel angry, feel like you can't forgive the person. And other times you can. you have a deeper understanding sometimes of what that person may have been going through and they hurt you. And you feel more like you can just let it go for periods of time. And then the next day, or Moment, you may hate them again. I suppose I'm going through the process of forgiveness myself. I do not feel that I can forgive certain things that people have done to me. Especially since they haven't apologized. I think sometimes people don't realize the pain they cause others. The effect they have on others.

I've heard that living well is the best revenge. I quite like this statement.

For me, I'm sometimes not sure HOW to let something go. I'd like to learn.

I’m not sure that forgiveness is mine to give. I think there is some higher power or some kind of balance in the universe that takes care of forgiveness. I don’t know why I believe this way. Maybe because I feel so powerless right now. I think I can try to let go of the pain, find inner peace, and try to live my best life. I believe the rest is out of my hands.

If you look at the word 'forgive' it is defined as 'to pardon.' Why would I want to pardon anyone who wronged me? That's essentially letting the person go Scott-free without any accountability -- when you "forgive" a person. Like, that horrible bully in my drum circle. If I forgive her for the way she bullied me, I basically let her get away with it. There is no accountability with forgiveness, so that is why I don't accept the whole "forgive and forget" Western philosophy. Does that make any sense at all?

I also don't follow the motto of "living well is the best revenge." Why does living well have to be an act of inflicting harm on someone who hurt me. They hurt me. They don't care how I live. They don't care about me. I should write a critique of all the platitudes used. Platitudes make me cringe. They are my kryptonite.

4 things has happened to me in my life and forgiving them for such vile acts? No no and no ..

One thing this thread highlights is how varied people's responses to being wronged is. I think how we deal with adversity reveals our character and helps us grow.

When I can look back at how I reacted to bullies and being forced to do or be in situations that I didn't want to be in, my coping mechanism was to detach and retreat to my own imagination. I know that this tendency must have been aggravating for people in my life that wanted me to engage more. I recognize that I need to engage more and allow myself to feel and express anger when appropriate.

I do agree that forgiveness is a choice and there are some things that are unforgivable. Mostly, we have the right and free will to choose who we want to forgive and who we want to be with. Sometimes the people who have done us wrong show us what we don't want to be like or with. Lately, I have been trying to figure out what I want rather than just retreating from what I don't want. Again, thinking about those who have hurt us takes our focus off focussing on good things occurring in the present moment or it can distract us from working toward our dreams but we do have to deal the the hurt too. Hugs to all who have been hurt.

Not throwing my spiritual system at anyone here, but I am a Christian and we are taught to forgive everyone. I try. I really do. But I don't think I will ever forgive my older brother for still, after 11 years, failing to acknowledge the birth or existence of my daughter (2nd child). Too long a story. Hurt me, be an a-hole to me all you want. I can deal. But hurt my kids?

You are dead to me. He may be genetically related to me, but he is a POS.

I think I’m battling with what the concept of forgiveness actually means in the first place.

I always thought that if I use the words I forgive you to someone, it’s the same as saying it’s okay, don’t worry about it.

On the other hand would someone want to ask for forgiveness in order to receive it in the first place?

I think forgivness is for the forgiver but that it also gets confused with acceptance. If my mind and spirit are constantly monopolized by what others have done to me I might forgive them but only if I think that forgiving will help me. There is no forgetting. Some things are never forgivable despite what society tells us but I do believe most things can be forgiven. If someone god forbid, hurt my children I dont know if I could forgive them but I could work on acceptance. Forgiveness can be very healing when its warranted but the idea that people all have to forgive to move on is not something I can get behind.

***edited to add***
I forgave my father partly because I needed to and partly because once I was an adult I was able to put his upbringing in perspective as far as it came to parenting me. I wrote him a letter on his 47th birthday forgiving him, we had been seeing each other and having a relationship for about 2 years prior to that. I mailed his letter 3/8/00 and his birthday was 3/9/00. Around 2 in the morning of 3/9 he called his girlfriend telling her about this wonderful letter he got from me and crying. At 7am on 3/9 he dropped dead from a heart attack at age 47. Died on his birthday. I know that if I didnt have that chance to forgive him I would have had years of regret so everything depends on circumstance.

I sometimes say I have forgiven when I haven't really. I'm still holding onto anger from an ex who hurt me (not physically) and my brother for how he treated me when we were kids.