Is my husband sexual abusing me?

Hi! I just signed up here because I am very confused about what is going on in my marriage.
My husband and I are married for 11 years.

Sex has always been an issue, because his sex drive is way bigger than mine.

He basically wants to have sex all the time and he has a way of making me feel guilty if we don´t have sex at least 3 times a week.
Lately I realized that he also touches me when I am asleep. He waits until I am - what he thinks - deeply asleep and then he starts touching my vagina while also touching himself. He tries to make sure I am not waking up. If I move, he back away and waits for a couple minutes before he proceeds. It usually ends with him fingering me until he orgasms. I don´t know when this started and I haven´t said anything yet. Because I first wanted to know if this is a reoccurring thing. Turns out it is. It happens every other night.

I am just so disappointed and confused. He is totally fine the next morning. As if he thinks he has the right to touch me without my agreeing to it.

Is this considered sexual abuse? Of course, we need to have a talk but I just want to be prepared for that talk. And I don´t even know what to say. I am just so extremely angry that he thinks it is ok to do this to me.

He is an amazing father and not a bad man. I know he loves me, but this can´t be right...

FIrst off, welcome to the forum. And to answer your question, yes, this is sexual touching without consent, which is sexual abuse. It is most disturbing to hear this. I would honestly not even consider talking to him about this. It is wrong on so many levels. You are not awake, and he is touching you until orgasm? He is forcing himself on you, because you resist his sexual aggression. This is sexually aggressive behavior. I would divorce him and not think TWICE about it. Your instinct is 100% correct. It isn't right.

Yes, Mammaof2. I'm very sorry this is happening to you. It's non-consensual sex, sexual assault, end of story.

I know realizing this is going to complicate your family's life now, but you've asked the question, and it's up to you now where to take it from there.

I commend you on your courage and spirit for reaching out, Mammaof2.

This saddens me to read. I can imagine the anger you feel especially because this is your husband, not a opportunistic boyfriend. I agree this is abusive sexual behaviour. It is forceful and does not respect your boundaries or how helpless it makes you feel every other night when you anticipate him helping himself to your body. I am so sorry sis ♥️

This is not the expression of love you signed up for when you made your vows. This type of love leaves so much scarring because it affects your own self-worth and your confidence and integrity as a woman. It also makes you start hating any kind of sexual intimacy because you associate it with oppression or silencing your own needs.

I can’t say what you must do going forward, this is your life and your decision. I believe he is a great father but an oppressive lover. This behaviour May well lead to a sex addiction and then cheating/affairs with other women. So if you decide to work it out, just know that if he doesn’t get psychological help, it will spiral into infidelity and deepen the separation between you.

I am so very sorry again. But I believe every struggle we are given, we are also given the strength to overcome it. So be courageous with this, don’t ignore anymore red flags. You will come out more peaceful and more in love with yourself. Blessings ♥️

Totally unacceptable conduct. You are not property. You are a person.

That’s awful. Scary. So sorry to hear it

I suspect he is a bully even without sexual issue. Are you afraid of him? Otherwise I am surprised you didn’t react when you caught him doing it. You wake up and are afraid to say something? You need to be “prepared” to talk to him? All signs that you are being bullied and abused in this marriage.

Get your affairs in order, see a lawyer and file for divorce ASAP and until it’s official don’t share a bed.

You should tell him how you feel about what he has done. This won't change until you speak up to stop it. I wish you the best

Unfortunately over the years I have read about this many times.

I think you honestly need to have a discussion about this. He has no right to touch you in this manner unless you consent and want to be intimate.

Having different sex drives is common enough.. but compromises can be made.

If other wise your marriage is healthy and he shows respect and truly loves you then this situation can be handled easily.

He can certainly pleasure himself and not touch you.

Respectfully and politely I disagree with talking to him about it. It’s sexual predator type of behavior and sexually aggressive behavior not too far off from date rape. She’s asleep. It is so wrong and entirely unacceptable. It's a very serious boundary violation. It's sexual violation. She should divorce him. It’s creepy.

That is HORRIBLE, @Mammaof2! Yes, I think this definitely counts as sexual abuse as it is not consensual. You can try to talk to him about it but I'm not sure where that will lead you. Beware of him getting violent - if he's doing this there's no telling of what else he may do to you. I'd also consider a divorce although I realize it is not easy. I'd also suggest to see a Therapist after you take your decision. I am so sorry this is happening to you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Mammaof2, your Family, your Friends, your Children and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Have not heard from the OP in a bit. It took a lot of courage to ask about this challenge.

(((Mammaof2))), are you ok?

I'm a guy and that seems weird and creepy.

Yes it is sexual abuse. Are you sure this is not happening to your children? Have you sought out counseling from a rape crisis? What about speaking to a lawyer about your legal rights? I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

I agree. It is creepy.