[rdgrad15]

This is just a general observation I've made over the years. It seems like some of the ways you can tell someone is not as close to you as they are to others, or they don't like you as much as they do to others, is if they are in a bad mood, they want nothing to do with you while they still talk to others. Yet, if they are in a good mood, they are more willing to talk to you.

Also, just in general, the way they treat you as opposed to how they treat others can determine if they feel as close to you as they do to others. It could mean they don't like you as much or it could also mean they just don't feel as close to you. Has anyone else made this observation? I think this is a sure way to know how someone sees you. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. We all feel closer to some people, while feeling distant or even have a dislike towards others.

The reason I believe this is one of the ways to know for sure is because I've heard some people claim that just because someone refuses to associate with you when they're in a bad mood, yet still talk to others, does not mean they don't feel any less distant from you as they do to others. I believe they do feel more distant just because if they felt close to you as they did to others, they wouldn't ignore you or refuse to associate with you when they are in a bad mood, yet still talk to others that are in the same room.

I think it speaks volumes. Again, nothing wrong with that. We are all like that in a way. This is more of a general observation. This is most likely to happen between coworkers and acquaintances, as well as those who don't like each other as much. It can even happen when someone who is in a bad mood sees two friends they have but they're much closer to one than the other. So they may naturally choose to only speak to the one who they are closer to. It may seem kind of rude, but I think it's very common and a lot of people are like that. Has anyone experienced this or noticed this? Again, just because someone chooses to not talk to you when they are in a bad mood doesn't mean they dislike you, it could mean that, but not always. It could just mean they don't feel close to you so at the current moment, they don't want to be bothered.

[divine1966]

I think it’s normal that people can’t be equally close to everyone. People connect and click with some people and feel distant from some other ones. Maybe I am not understanding your question

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think it’s normal that people can’t be equally close to everyone. People connect and click with some people and feel distant from some other ones. Maybe I am not understanding your question

Oh I totally agree. And sorry for the confusion. Looking back, I can tell I didn’t really give a good question. Basically I was just asking if anyone else has noticed someone acting standoffish towards them but not towards anyone else and if they felt like it was intentional or just due to not being close. Also, this was more of a observation thread since I’ve known people who assume that someone who is acting aloof towards them is automatically acting hostile when it’s not always that way. Sometimes it is, but other times it is just because there is no real friendship.

[mote.of.soul]

Hi,

I've come to place in my own life regarding these kinds of observations, rdgrad15, and I just think, accept that people are kind of distant, can't see the real you - which they can't - and just try to feel comfortable with the distance you see and feel. I don't think people really think too deeply about how they're effecting others with their ways.

You can turn that to your advantage too - in knowing that you can see them better than they can see you.

I hope I've interpreted your post correctly.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hi,

I've come to place in my own life regarding these kinds of observations, rdgrad15, and I just think, accept that people are kind of distant, can't see the real you - which they can't - and just try to feel comfortable with the distance you see and feel. I don't think people really think too deeply about how they're effecting others with their ways.

You can turn that to your advantage too - in knowing that you can see them better than they can see you.

I hope I've interpreted your post correctly.

Oh I agree. Yeah, it is best to accept that people aren't going to be as close and also won't care how they affect you. I know some people that can't understand this concept and get so offended if they see that someone is not as close to them as they are to others. In some cases, yes, it may be due to a personality conflict, but in other cases, it's just how it is. Yeah I do see it as a form of advantage when you can tell if someone doesn't seem to be as close to you as they are to others. It prevents you from getting hurt. You know not to pursue them so therefore, no hurt feelings can arise. Yeah sorry if this post seemed confusing. Usually I provide examples and I'm referring to someone specific but in this case, it is more of a general observation towards anyone, not a specific person.

[TishaBuv]

Your observation is simple and correct. When people act like they like you, they act in a good mood around you (as though they are happy to be with you). This means they like you. When people act like they are not happy to see you, and not a bad mood for other reasons, then they probably don’t like you.

They may like other people better, but it’s not so healthy for you to compare yourself to others. Focus on just the relationship between you and the other person. If they act unhappy to see you, you can ask them why and if they have some issue with you. Maybe you can work out differences and build on the relationship.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Your observation is simple and correct. When people act like they like you, they act in a good mood around you (as though they are happy to be with you). This means they like you. When people act like they are not happy to see you, and not a bad mood for other reasons, then they probably don’t like you.

They may like other people better, but it’s not so healthy for you to compare yourself to others. Focus on just the relationship between you and the other person. If they act unhappy to see you, you can ask them why and if they have some issue with you. Maybe you can work out differences and build on the relationship.

Yep. Just a simple observation. And yeah I have a habit of comparing myself to others due to feeling worthless.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Oh I agree. Yeah, it is best to accept that people aren't going to be as close and also won't care how they affect you. I know some people that can't understand this concept and get so offended if they see that someone is not as close to them as they are to others. In some cases, yes, it may be due to a personality conflict, but in other cases, it's just how it is. Yeah I do see it as a form of advantage when you can tell if someone doesn't seem to be as close to you as they are to others. It prevents you from getting hurt. You know not to pursue them so therefore, no hurt feelings can arise. Yeah sorry if this post seemed confusing. Usually I provide examples and I'm referring to someone specific but in this case, it is more of a general observation towards anyone, not a specific person.

Isn't that the way with all relationships? People who are closer will be able to adjust to the mood of another person and same dealing with someone who you are not as close with but in a different kind of way. I guess the best way I could think if it right now is not to be offended by a person who is distant but try to find ways to fulfill the relationship to be mutually beneficial without making yourself too vulnerable or creating conflict. sometimes that could mean giving a person space or telling them what you need.

[BabyLoves]

In my family there are certain cliques that bond. Outside the ones who are close since childhood I notice they stay really close to someone they think can do something for them. It seems like an ugly thing to say and I may be wrong for it but I m not sure how else to look at it other than there was a lot of favoritism growing up and we can't really say or do anything about certain siblings no matter how bad their behavior. So I think there's more going on than just not as close... Why aren't you as close what is preventing you from having the same kind of bond or Love.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by ann bog

Isn't that the way with all relationships? People who are closer will be able to adjust to the mood of another person and same dealing with someone who you are not as close with but in a different kind of way. I guess the best way I could think if it right now is not to be offended by a person who is distant but try to find ways to fulfill the relationship to be mutually beneficial without making yourself too vulnerable or creating conflict. sometimes that could mean giving a person space or telling them what you need.

Yes I agree.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by BabyLoves

In my family there are certain cliques that bond. Outside the ones who are close since childhood I notice they stay really close to someone they think can do something for them. It seems like an ugly thing to say and I may be wrong for it but I m not sure how else to look at it other than there was a lot of favoritism growing up and we can't really say or do anything about certain siblings no matter how bad their behavior. So I think there's more going on than just not as close... Why aren't you as close what is preventing you from having the same kind of bond or Love.

Yeah true. As much as people say there is no favoritism, there definitely is especially in family, friendships, and even in schools between teachers and students.

I think what you're trying to explain is the definition of the fair weather friend. Those types of people stop being a friend to you when you are experiencing difficulty; yet they are only interested in being there for you when it's convenient and easy for them. If it's not convenient for them, they will ghost you; they won't respond to your texts, your emails, or your phone calls.

They will pretend you don't exist until they need something from you. That's how the fair weather friendship works. It's one-sided. You are the victim of a person who is manipulative and knows how to manipulate their victim emotionally.

It's a skill all manipulative fair weather friends have. What a fair weather friend resembles to the public; someone who is a social influencer; someone who has 4,000 Facebook friends yet maybe personally knows only 20 people intimately; someone who oozes charm, always has something pithy or witty to contribute to a conversation online or in person. Someone who appears to have it all, who can hook you up with important people, whom they schmoozed at some point for something that they needed.

Real people are not like this. Real people are genuine, have a few close friendships that are reciprocative, who are grounded emotionally, and who have healthy enough boundaries that they can easily thwart off any attack from a fair weather friend who is, essentially, an emotional vampire in disguise.

They are extremely insecure people who lack emotional depth. And any attempt to connect them to their emotional depth gets thwarted by their addiction or substance abuse so that they can avoid feeling real pain and healing to become whole again. That's the make-up of a fair weather friend. Avoid them at all costs.

I'm 49 and still experience this. The trick with fair weather friends is recognizing them. That is truly difficult. Because, in order to "hook" you, they start by mimicking signals of reciprocative friendship.

That is to say, they pretend to be a friend so that you will give them what they need. They have no intention of giving you anything and when the time comes for you to ask for something, they immediately turn the situation around on you, to avoid feelings of guilt for manipulating you emotionally in the first place.

Is that what you're referring to, rdgrad? Fair weather friendships? I have friends I can go to when they or I are in a bad mood and there's no boundary problems.

It's only when I sought emotional support from fair weather friends, did I learn that they were fair weather friends to begin with, based on the way they immediately reject and shun me and tell me "I can't give you what you need right now, best of luck to you." That's what fair weather friends will say.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

I think what you're trying to explain is the definition of the fair weather friend. Those types of people stop being a friend to you when you are experiencing difficulty; yet they are only interested in being there for you when it's convenient and easy for them. If it's not convenient for them, they will ghost you; they won't respond to your texts, your emails, or your phone calls.

They will pretend you don't exist until they need something from you. That's how the fair weather friendship works. It's one-sided. You are the victim of a person who is manipulative and knows how to manipulate their victim emotionally.

It's a skill all manipulative fair weather friends have. What a fair weather friend resembles to the public; someone who is a social influencer; someone who has 4,000 Facebook friends yet maybe personally knows only 20 people intimately; someone who oozes charm, always has something pithy or witty to contribute to a conversation online or in person. Someone who appears to have it all, who can hook you up with important people, whom they schmoozed at some point for something that they needed.

Real people are not like this. Real people are genuine, have a few close friendships that are reciprocative, who are grounded emotionally, and who have healthy enough boundaries that they can easily thwart off any attack from a fair weather friend who is, essentially, an emotional vampire in disguise.

They are extremely insecure people who lack emotional depth. And any attempt to connect them to their emotional depth gets thwarted by their addiction or substance abuse so that they can avoid feeling real pain and healing to become whole again. That's the make-up of a fair weather friend. Avoid them at all costs.

I'm 49 and still experience this. The trick with fair weather friends is recognizing them. That is truly difficult. Because, in order to "hook" you, they start by mimicking signals of reciprocative friendship.

That is to say, they pretend to be a friend so that you will give them what they need. They have no intention of giving you anything and when the time comes for you to ask for something, they immediately turn the situation around on you, to avoid feelings of guilt for manipulating you emotionally in the first place.

Is that what you're referring to, rdgrad? Fair weather friendships? I have friends I can go to when they or I are in a bad mood and there's no boundary problems.

It's only when I sought emotional support from fair weather friends, did I learn that they were fair weather friends to begin with, based on the way they immediately reject and shun me and tell me "I can't give you what you need right now, best of luck to you." That's what fair weather friends will say.

Yeah you are right. Fair weather friends are not genuine, although they could also just be acquaintances that someone mistakenly thinks are friends too. Unfortunately that can happen. Someone thinks they are in a friendship with someone else but the other person doesn't see it that way, causing the person who desires a friendship to assume they are dealing with a fair weather or fake friend. But yeah, fair weather friends have their agenda.

Although, what I was getting at is how someone, whether it is a friend, acquaintance, or coworker, may be in a bad mood and treat you poorly but still treat others fine. When they are in a good mood, they treat you and others fine. So in other words, it makes it seem like they see you as a target to lock onto when they are in a bad mood and want to treat someone poorly because they think they can. Fair weather friends can do this.