When people seem to treat you like you're stupid

rdgrad15 · Mar 14, 2020, 04:38 PM

I've noticed that sometimes if someone, even me, is just naturally more introverted or even has some sort of disability or looks just a bit different, others seem to think the person is special or stupid. And when I say special, I don't mean that in a good way. It's never good to be called special as in special needs.

Some of the ways I've observed is if you succeed in something, others may seem really shocked or if you get a job, some may wonder and even ask how that was even possible. I've had that happen to me. Another thing that has happened, both face to face and through group chats, is when some coworkers ask a generalized question about something they are unsure about but I know for a fact that I know what the answer is since it's clearly stated as such or something else.

Usually it's because I read an email that was sent that they probably haven't read yet or even if they did, they don't seem to understand what is being said even when I fully understand. I've noticed that happening a lot. An example is if there is an inservice day, sometimes it is mandatory and other times it is optional. Well they always state it whether it is mandatory or not and it is mentioned more than once. No way you can miss it.

Yet a lot of my coworkers seem to not know what is mandatory or not. I will let them know but I will be ignored. Then as soon as they ask their question again, and someone else responds with the exact same answer as me, they thank that person for letting them know. All my coworkers are way older than me so I sometimes wonder if age plays a role in it too. I sometimes wonder if they believe that since I'm younger than them, what I have to say is less believable or something.

Either way, when this happens, whether it's at work or anywhere else, it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of other people's time and what I have to say has no place in other people's eyes. Has anyone experienced this? Do you know why someone or a group of people may treat someone this way? It makes me feel like I'm not part of whatever group it is, whether it is a group of coworkers or just being with other acquaintances.

In most cases, especially with my coworkers, I will just not respond even when I know something that other people are struggling to find the answer to. I feel bad since I feel like I should say something, but if I sense that they see me as a joke or like I don't know what I'm talking about, it makes me not want to respond to any kind of general question there may be. I just let them figure it out on their own.

If this has happened to you, what did you do in order to deal with people who treat you like this? When this stuff happens, it makes me less inclined to respond due to feeling like a joke or like they think I'm just not smart enough to be believed. Unfortunately, in cases where it's people who are way older, it may be hard to say something due to them being older and thinking they have more power even though we are all on the same level professionally.

I get that in some cases, people are way older than someone else so they may be less inclined to listen to someone who is younger in some instances, but I believe that if it involves work related issues or just events that are necessary to know about, they should be more open to anyone letting them know about something. Just because someone is younger, looks different, has a disability or just simply introverted and possibly a bit awkward doesn't make them or what they say less valid. Know any other reasons that would cause this kind of behavior to occur? Just wondered what you guys thought. I think it can be rude.

Whero · Mar 14, 2020, 04:45 PM

I feel the same way. People focus so much on image and results. It's part of life I guess. People want to live like royalty.... Maybe if they saw themselves in another light they would be nicer.

Open Eyes · Mar 14, 2020, 05:02 PM

Hi rdgrad15, there have been times where I have felt this way. Yet, I have also observed individuals that are on the introverted side get bulldozed over simply because they tend to be more quiet like you are. You know what I find about these individuals though? They can be THE MOST interesting people to talk to once you get them to open up. There was a girl like that at a barn that my daughter kept her horse and rode at. She was a very good rider, did a lot of work just so she could ride, so in effect she was a working student. The other girls around often were on the shallow attention seeking kind, even had some more mean girl gossipy loud types too. The most marvelous thing was ignoring their banter and listening to the quiet remarks of this introverted girl. She tended to be VERY SPOT on with so many things, VERY SMART girl.

One time one of the more "entitled mean girls" turned to her and asked her to tack up her horse for her, was impatient and then this girl actually called her "my mexican" as though she was nothing more than some servant girl. I was the adult paying customer and my daughter was busy doing her own horse and she actually likes this quiet girl(they are still friends even now years later) who was and still is REALLY GOOD RIDER. So after hearing this girl's comments I looked right at her and said "I do not EVER want to hear you be rude to that girl like that again. She is NOT your mexican and actually if it was not for her schooling and training that horse you ride, you would NOT be able to ride at all!"

Unfortunately, we don't always have a presence like that who really see's our true gifts and says something. It doesn't mean you are unworthy if you do know things but fear speaking up so you don't get picked on. Unfortunately, sometimes there is actually an environment of self centered individuals that don't appreciate someone who may just know the answers but is quiet and reserved.

It doesn't matter if you have some kind of disability either, it should not keep you from being respected when you know things others don't. Yet, sometimes, the individuals around you don't know how to care and appreciate someone like you. Often the handicapped ones or others not really YOU.

And, as far as the mexican comment that was made that day. That was yet another insult as often these individuals are very smart, work hard and can care for a horse better than any snotty spoiled brat of a girl could ever do herself. My daughter is always friendly with them too and made it a point to learn their language and interact with them with respect and friendship.

rdgrad15 · Mar 14, 2020, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi rdgrad15, there have been times where I have felt this way. Yet, I have also observed individuals that are on the introverted side get bulldozed over simply because they tend to be more quiet like you are. You know what I find about these individuals though? They can be THE MOST interesting people to talk to once you get them to open up. There was a girl like that at a barn that my daughter kept her horse and rode at. She was a very good rider, did a lot of work just so she could ride, so in effect she was a working student. The other girls around often were on the shallow attention seeking kind, even had some more mean girl gossipy loud types too. The most marvelous thing was ignoring their banter and listening to the quiet remarks of this introverted girl. She tended to be VERY SPOT on with so many things, VERY SMART girl.

One time one of the more "entitled mean girls" turned to her and asked her to tack up her horse for her, was impatient and then this girl actually called her "my mexican" as though she was nothing more than some servant girl. I was the adult paying customer and my daughter was busy doing her own horse and she actually likes this quiet girl(they are still friends even now years later) who was and still is REALLY GOOD RIDER. So after hearing this girl's comments I looked right at her and said "I do not EVER want to hear you be rude to that girl like that again. She is NOT your mexican and actually if it was not for her schooling and training that horse you ride, you would NOT be able to ride at all!"

Unfortunately, we don't always have a presence like that who really see's our true gifts and says something. It doesn't mean you are unworthy if you do know things but fear speaking up so you don't get picked on. Unfortunately, sometimes there is actually an environment of self centered individuals that don't appreciate someone who may just know the answers but is quiet and reserved.

It doesn't matter if you have some kind of disability either, it should not keep you from being respected when you know things others don't. Yet, sometimes, the individuals around you don't know how to care and appreciate someone like you. Often the handicapped ones or others not really YOU.

And, as far as the mexican comment that was made that day. That was yet another insult as often these individuals are very smart, work hard and can care for a horse better than any snotty spoiled brat of a girl could ever do herself. My daughter is always friendly with them too and made it a point to learn their language and interact with them with respect and friendship.

Oh wow, thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you had the courage to say something! Wow, that girl calling someone else a Mexican as if speaking to a servant was very rude. Sounds like someone I would want to avoid at all costs. Glad your daughter and the introverted girl are still good friends! I agree that introverted people can be very smart and just not as willing to say anything. And yes, there are environments where groups of people are very cliquy and self centered, even at work. Unfortunately it is the way it is. I used to think that once people are out of high school and even college, they would be more mature and know better but not always.

rdgrad15 · Mar 14, 2020, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whero

I feel the same way. People focus so much on image and results. It's part of life I guess. People want to live like royalty.... Maybe if they saw themselves in another light they would be nicer.

Yeah I totally agree with you.

seesaw · Mar 15, 2020, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I've noticed that sometimes if someone, even me, is just naturally more introverted or even has some sort of disability or looks just a bit different, others seem to think the person is special or stupid. And when I say special, I don't mean that in a good way. It's never good to be called special as in special needs.

Some of the ways I've observed is if you succeed in something, others may seem really shocked or if you get a job, some may wonder and even ask how that was even possible. I've had that happen to me. Another thing that has happened, both face to face and through group chats, is when some coworkers ask a generalized question about something they are unsure about but I know for a fact that I know what the answer is since it's clearly stated as such or something else.

Usually it's because I read an email that was sent that they probably haven't read yet or even if they did, they don't seem to understand what is being said even when I fully understand. I've noticed that happening a lot. An example is if there is an inservice day, sometimes it is mandatory and other times it is optional. Well they always state it whether it is mandatory or not and it is mentioned more than once. No way you can miss it.

Yet a lot of my coworkers seem to not know what is mandatory or not. I will let them know but I will be ignored. Then as soon as they ask their question again, and someone else responds with the exact same answer as me, they thank that person for letting them know. All my coworkers are way older than me so I sometimes wonder if age plays a role in it too. I sometimes wonder if they believe that since I'm younger than them, what I have to say is less believable or something.

Either way, when this happens, whether it's at work or anywhere else, it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of other people's time and what I have to say has no place in other people's eyes. Has anyone experienced this? Do you know why someone or a group of people may treat someone this way? It makes me feel like I'm not part of whatever group it is, whether it is a group of coworkers or just being with other acquaintances.

In most cases, especially with my coworkers, I will just not respond even when I know something that other people are struggling to find the answer to. I feel bad since I feel like I should say something, but if I sense that they see me as a joke or like I don't know what I'm talking about, it makes me not want to respond to any kind of general question there may be. I just let them figure it out on their own.

If this has happened to you, what did you do in order to deal with people who treat you like this? When this stuff happens, it makes me less inclined to respond due to feeling like a joke or like they think I'm just not smart enough to be believed. Unfortunately, in cases where it's people who are way older, it may be hard to say something due to them being older and thinking they have more power even though we are all on the same level professionally.

I get that in some cases, people are way older than someone else so they may be less inclined to listen to someone who is younger in some instances, but I believe that if it involves work related issues or just events that are necessary to know about, they should be more open to anyone letting them know about something. Just because someone is younger, looks different, has a disability or just simply introverted and possibly a bit awkward doesn't make them or what they say less valid. Know any other reasons that would cause this kind of behavior to occur? Just wondered what you guys thought. I think it can be rude.

Well, I have definitely been there with older coworkers who don't have as much experience as I do, and when I answer a question, they ignore me and then someone else that they do respect gives the same answer, and they sort of look foolish for not listening to me.

If it's the same person or people doing it, I would simply stop answering questions for them, since they don't listen anyhow. If they are on the same level as you, it's not like you're required to provide them any kind of supervision.

I think it also depends on your confidence level when you answer these questions. It could be that they are responding to what might come off as lack of confidence in yourself versus something else. Not invalidating you here, but I know sometimes that people will ignore colleagues who provide answers if it's not done with some authority/confidence.

In the end, you can't really change people who act this way. If you're not their supervisor or manager, I would honestly just ignore them. If they want to listen to you and get the answer, great, if they want to be stupid until someone else gives them the answer, well, that's their choice. At least you are there on time and know what's mandatory and what's not.

Mar 15, 2020, 08:51 PM

Rdgrad, that sounds frustrating and I'm sorry you have to deal with older coworkers acting like you are less than.

If you yourself are disabled, have you ever heard of ableism? There are different types. Institutional, internalized, interpersonal. Its when "able bodied" people act in a way that sends a negative message to disabled people. Its like an unconscious prejudice. Its not okay, and you're not alone. There's a book I'd like to recommend, if you dont mind: Robot Check

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

Well, I have definitely been there with older coworkers who don't have as much experience as I do, and when I answer a question, they ignore me and then someone else that they do respect gives the same answer, and they sort of look foolish for not listening to me.

If it's the same person or people doing it, I would simply stop answering questions for them, since they don't listen anyhow. If they are on the same level as you, it's not like you're required to provide them any kind of supervision.

I think it also depends on your confidence level when you answer these questions. It could be that they are responding to what might come off as lack of confidence in yourself versus something else. Not invalidating you here, but I know sometimes that people will ignore colleagues who provide answers if it's not done with some authority/confidence.

In the end, you can't really change people who act this way. If you're not their supervisor or manager, I would honestly just ignore them. If they want to listen to you and get the answer, great, if they want to be stupid until someone else gives them the answer, well, that's their choice. At least you are there on time and know what's mandatory and what's not.

Yeah I agree. Yeah we are all on the same level so yeah I know I'm not required. I do respond with confidence, although if it's through a group chat, that is harder to show, then again it's harder to show a lot of emotions when talking with someone through text or email, and not just work related. Yeah when I give an answer and they ignore, and then someone else replies with the same answer, they do look foolish in my opinion. You are right though, at least I know what's mandatory and what's not and I'm there on time. And yeah I've gotten to the point where I no longer respond.

Sometimes I do respond if it seems like they are really freaking out but that doesn't seem to work either a lot of cases so at this point, no matter what, I just won't respond. It's honestly their responsibility to read the emails and be able to figure out what's mandatory and what's not. That's not hard to figure out since it's always stated. The fact that they can't figure it out at times tells me that they don't really read the emails, which if that's the case then it's their own responsibility to do so.

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

Rdgrad, that sounds frustrating and I'm sorry you have to deal with older coworkers acting like you are less than.

If you yourself are disabled, have you ever heard of ableism? There are different types. Institutional, internalized, interpersonal. Its when "able bodied" people act in a way that sends a negative message to disabled people. Its like an unconscious prejudice. Its not okay, and you're not alone. There's a book I'd like to recommend, if you dont mind: Robot Check

Oh I never heard of ableism. So basically, from what I'm understanding, it's those who don't have a disability sending a message to those that do that they are less than or not able to do as much as they really can? If so, then that makes sense because I see that happening all the time. Not just with me, but with other people too. I've seen people in wheelchairs get babied by people who believe the person in a wheelchair can't do anything, when in fact, they can in a lot of cases. In fact, I knew someone in college that was in a chair and she loved doing stuff herself.

She hated it when people would do stuff for her in a way that made her feel less than. She was very independent. The only time she accepted help is when she either asked or in some rare cases, was really struggling, in most cases, reaching something that was too high up, and someone else would get it for her. Also going up steep hills required help too, otherwise, she was very independent.

seesaw · Mar 16, 2020, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Oh I never heard of ableism. So basically, from what I'm understanding, it's those who don't have a disability sending a message to those that do that they are less than or not able to do as much as they really can? If so, then that makes sense because I see that happening all the time. Not just with me, but with other people too. I've seen people in wheelchairs get babied by people who believe the person in a wheelchair can't do anything, when in fact, they can in a lot of cases. In fact, I knew someone in college that was in a chair and she loved doing stuff herself.

She hated it when people would do stuff for her in a way that made her feel less than. She was very independent. The only time she accepted help is when she either asked or in some rare cases, was really struggling, in most cases, reaching something that was too high up, and someone else would get it for her. Also going up steep hills required help too, otherwise, she was very independent.

Ableism is discrimination like racism but against the disabled. It's making statements or actions that favor the non disabled over the disabled. Ableism can come from disabled people as well as non disabled, you don't have to be non disabled to show ableism. I am also disabled and deal with ableism all the time. We discuss it at length in my disabled support groups. I'll see if I can find some straight forward examples for you.

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

Ableism is discrimination like racism but against the disabled. It's making statements or actions that favor the non disabled over the disabled. Ableism can come from disabled people as well as non disabled, you don't have to be non disabled to show ableism. I am also disabled and deal with ableism all the time. We discuss it at length in my disabled support groups. I'll see if I can find some straight forward examples for you.

Oh okay, thank you for the clarification! Yeah that makes sense and I see it all the time. Not just towards me, but others as well. And yeah, I've seen it between disabled people as well. In a similar way, usually between two people with the same kind of disability, one of them may tell the other to stop using the disability as an excuse if one is able to live better with the disability than the other. Or at least they think they can.

Open Eyes · Mar 16, 2020, 10:39 AM

There are people that are always going to look for another person's weakness and use it against them. These people tend to be only interested in themselves and how much they stand out or can control others. They can be people that don't necessarily have physical handicaps, yet, they often have a psychological handicap where they simply don't want anyone else to stand out more than they do. And you are correct in that there are some individuals that are handicapped in both ways, physically AND pychologically. All they care about is standing out more than others.

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There are people that are always going to look for another person's weakness and use it against them. These people tend to be only interested in themselves and how much they stand out or can control others. They can be people that don't necessarily have physical handicaps, yet, they often have a psychological handicap where they simply don't want anyone else to stand out more than they do. And you are correct in that there are some individuals that are handicapped in both ways, physically AND pychologically. All they care about is standing out more than others.

Yep exactly. I totally agree. People have problems that they keep secret, especially in the work force. And since it's common knowledge that some stuff should never be talked about at work could cause coworkers to behave in a way that makes them feel better about themselves, almost like having a sense of control. They also may have grown up thinking they are better than those who are handicapped or that those with disabilities are less than. Even people who are handicapped can develop an arrogant attitude, which I've seen happen unfortunately. One girl I knew developed an arrogant attitude and she was handicapped.

Open Eyes · Mar 16, 2020, 11:20 AM

It doesn't matter if a person goes into work in a wheelchair or not. What matters is how nice they are and considerate of others.

It's the same as the little story I shared with you in your other thread.

It's not the wheelchair or even the town, it's about how the person interacts with others.

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It doesn't matter if a person goes into work in a wheelchair or not. What matters is how nice they are and considerate of others.

It's the same as the little story I shared with you in your other thread.

It's not the wheelchair or even the town, it's about how the person interacts with others.

Yeah true. That is right.

divine1966 · Mar 16, 2020, 11:58 AM

I’d say if they can’t figure out if a meeting is mandatory or not, they are the stupid ones lol not you. I am not being serious, somewhat tongue in cheek but com’n. They are the ones unable to figure things out.

So next time you are asked dumb question reply with “info is provided in emails and is very clear, is there any reason you are unable to read or comprehend the information?” Or if they hear your answer and still ask someone else reply with “ I see you don’t understand when you hear something the first time, is there something you need help with so you improve your comprehension?” Put it on them.

On a serious note yes people tend to dismiss those who look or sound or act different. Infuriating. I have low tolerance for this.

Open Eyes · Mar 16, 2020, 12:12 PM

I agree with divine somewhat. I think the only thing I would think about is the tone I present when responding. I have a feeling rdgrad15 that you prefer to maintain the tone of how you respond to different individuals that exhibit these poor behavior patterns. You come across as the type of individual that may struggle with these poor behaviors but you choose not to respond to them with anger which is mirroring THEIR poor controlling behaviors. What tends to happen when you "react" is all you do is give them more reason to continue to behave badly.

I think that you are a nice guy, handicap or not. Sometimes it can be difficult to be in an environment with others that can behave poorly. Bottom line, it's their problem and sometimes these individuals simply don't change. You don't have to stop being nice. I can see you don't care to play that game these others thrive on playing. It doesn't mean you are weak, actually, it can take personal strength to disengage from participating in their poor behavior.

divine1966 · Mar 16, 2020, 12:27 PM

Lol I specifically said I am not being serious. I thought I couldn’t be any more clear. Omg I guess I had to explain something twice too, not just OP. Hahaha

Open Eyes · 12:50 PM

My response was not a personal attack on you devine. Sometimes, in interacting in this writing form there is a missing element which is basically the tone in the person that is responding. You may be thinking a light hearted tone while posting, and if you spoke it others would see the light heartedness quickly. One never knows how literal another person is. And sometimes a LOL can be a sarcastic one too.

Quote:

“info is provided in emails and is very clear, is there any reason you are unable to read or comprehend the information?”

The tone here has a sarcastic tone to it. That can come across as "what are you stupid?" (which can come with a sarcastic laugh) which tends to invite the behaviors that the OP want's to avoid. And even may be experiencing from others.

see what I mean?

Bottom line is the OP is a nice guy, and it's ok to be a nice guy and not get drawn into the often bad behaviors of others.

divine1966 · Mar 16, 2020, 12:54 PM

“ ...am not being serious”
...
Insert text
“On a serious note..,”
Insert text

First part of the post is not being serious as indicated verbatim. “Not being serious”

At the end it’s followed up by “on a serious note”. So that very last part is serious

No, suggestions to tell these people that they lack comprehension was not serious. I am not an idiot. If they lack comprehension, it doesn’t mean one needs to point it out. It was clearly stated that it’s not serious. The only serious part is the end of the post.

Sometimes all one needs to do is read twice to make sure. Kindly reread my post. Then kindly back off. Criticizing other people’s posts especially if you misunderstand them, serves no purpose and isn’t supportive for OP.

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d say if they can’t figure out if a meeting is mandatory or not, they are the stupid ones lol not you. I am not being serious, somewhat tongue in cheek but com’n. They are the ones unable to figure things out.

So next time you are asked dumb question reply with “info is provided in emails and is very clear, is there any reason you are unable to read or comprehend the information?” Or if they hear your answer and still ask someone else reply with “ I see you don’t understand when you hear something the first time, is there something you need help with so you improve your comprehension?” Put it on them.

On a serious note yes people tend to dismiss those who look or sound or act different. Infuriating. I have low tolerance for this.

I absolutely agree 100 percent. I would love to do that. I have thought about saying part of what you mentioned, which is telling them that the information is found in the emails that were sent. I could do that that way if they for some reason didn't read the email, that gives them the chance. In other cases when they did read an email or some other verbal instruction and they still don't understand even after I said something, then I agree that it is on them to figure it out. And yeah, I have a facial paralysis, I'm introverted, younger than them, and hearing impaired. All of these probably play a factor into how they treat me. I hate it too and I have a low tolerance for it as well.

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Lol I specifically said I am not being serious. I thought I couldn’t be any more clear. Omg I guess I had to explain something twice too, not just OP. Hahaha

I completely understood what you were saying and know you weren't totally serious.

rdgrad15 · Mar 16, 2020, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I agree with divine somewhat. I think the only thing I would think about is the tone I present when responding. I have a feeling rdgrad15 that you prefer to maintain the tone of how you respond to different individuals that exhibit these poor behavior patterns. You come across as the type of individual that may struggle with these poor behaviors but you choose not to respond to them with anger which is mirroring THEIR poor controlling behaviors. What tends to happen when you "react" is all you do is give them more reason to continue to behave badly.

I think that you are a nice guy, handicap or not. Sometimes it can be difficult to be in an environment with others that can behave poorly. Bottom line, it's their problem and sometimes these individuals simply don't change. You don't have to stop being nice. I can see you don't care to play that game these others thrive on playing. It doesn't mean you are weak, actually, it can take personal strength to disengage from participating in their poor behavior.

Yeah I tend to just roll with their behavior. As much as it bothers me, I don't like confrontation unless it's absolutely necessary and given the fact that they are all older than me, if I said something, they could twist it around and make me look like a bad person and potentially get me in trouble if they sense any sort of perceived disrespect in any way. Don't want to take that chance in the work environment. As much as I may complain about my coworkers, I still like the job itself. I don't want to lose it yet. Once I find a new job, then I'll quit but even then, there will be coworkers and people outside of work like this all the time.